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THEORYSome pointers on the topic of being a soft landing (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor

I started typing this as a reply, but it turned into a post. So here it is, on the topic of being a soft landing.

  • Make him your #1 priority. There are many subtle and not so subtle messages we send out every day that let people know where they stand on our list of priorities.

  • Give him his space when he needs it. A simple way of respecting his space is to ask before invading it. If he's reading on on his computer or in middle of any other alone activity, ask whether you can interrupt at the moment. Make sure he knows that you're perfectly fine with him telling you "not now".

  • When you converse, nothing else exists in the world! Put down your phone and look at him straight in his eyes. Listen to him, not just to what he's saying.

  • Believe in him even when he doesn't believe in himself. Women have this power over men. Your belief in him has the power to cause him to rise to the occasion, your lack of belief in him through being critical (etc) can cause him to falter. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy. When I was 23, I took on something major and life changing. My wife constantly criticized me, to my mother in law I could do no wrong. My wife made me feel like a failure, my MIL made me feel like God's gift to humanity. She believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. Ultimately, that prevented me from failure. It worked.

  • Be supportive. He will have difficult days or time periods. Being is soft landing means you're okay listening to his struggles. Be critical and he'll never open up when something is bothering him. Be supportive and he'll feel safe opening up. Have him rest his head on your breasts before, during and after he shares his struggles with you. It's extremely soothing and will greatly assist in what you're trying to accomplish.

  • Make him feel desired. His touch should bring you delight. Frequent enthusiastic sex is very important. Small touch outside the bedroom will also express desire or lack of desire. If you ever need to turn him down for sex and you can't go the route of a BJ etc, express desire while turning him down. Tell him how much you really want him but you just can't because XYZ. Desire when sex is off the table is extremely potent. Never underestimate it.

  • When a man walks through the door after a long and stressful day at work, the best thing that can happen to him at that moment is when his wife drops everything and runs to the door to spend a minute or two in a full body hug and long closed eyed kiss. This specific time is extremely powerful and sets the tone for the rest of the evening. It will make him feel very desired and that he's you're number one priority. And it only takes a minute or two!

  • Having supper ready when he comes home or at a set time every day, is a great way to care for your man. My grandparents ate supper at 6:00 every night. You could set your clocks on it. She'd set the table and sit and eat with him. Nothing else existed during that time. My parents have many children. Sometimes when dad was at work until late, mom would feed us during our regular time but when dad came home, she'd sit and eat with him at least for part of supper (most of the time).

  • Spend time together. Don't leave it to spontaneity. Set a time of day depending on whether you're a morning or night person. My parents have tea or just sit and talk before bed every night. We were never allowed to be present during this 20-30 minutes a day. They still do this to this very day.


[–]mabeol 11 points12 points  (5 children)

This is, without question, one of the most important and impactful lessons I've learned from from RPW. My SO's battery is drained all day by the many challenges he tackles at work. I want to recharge him, not bleed away his remaining dregs of energy. For the record, his battery recharges double time when it's plugged into cuddles and a plate of cookies or a homecooked meal :)

It's amazing how much positive power your words have. I always tell my SO I believe in him when he's facing a tough issue, be it a small task or an overall trend at the office. Sometimes the triteness of it makes me feel silly, but I remind myself that that doesn't matter. He doesn't care. I say it anyway, because then he knows that I trust his ability to handle whatever life throws his way. I swear I can feel the tenor of his words change when I remind him that I have complete faith in him.

Of course, to your point, this can go both ways. You can build him up or tear him down with just your words. Choose wisely.

When a man walks through the door after a long and stressful day at work, the best thing that can happen to him at that moment is when his wife drops everything and runs to the door to spend a minute or two in a full body hug and long closed eyed kiss.

I always greet him with a quick hug and kiss... looks like it's time for me to step it up a notch!

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 5 points6 points  (3 children)

It's amazing how much positive power your words have. I always tell my SO I believe in him when he's facing a tough issue, be it a small task or an overall trend at the office. Sometimes the triteness of it makes me feel silly, but I remind myself that that doesn't matter. He doesn't care. I say it anyway, because then he knows that I trust his ability to handle whatever life throws his way. I swear I can feel the tenor of his words change when I remind him that I have complete faith in him.

Words to have great power. Intent behind the words have even greater power. Actualization has even greater power than those two.

In other words - saying "I believe in you" or "you can do it" or "I trust your judgment" is a first step. Second step is to mean it more than you meant it yesterday. Tomorrow, believe what you're telling him more than you do today. The more you mean what you're saying, the more impact it will have. Third step is to take action that expresses your trust in him.

Thinking back to a time that was very difficult and I had to make many big decisions, what gave me the confidence to overcome my self doubt was that my MIL always backed me up. I mean always as in 100% of the time. There were times that I sensed that she didn't agree, there were times she tried to convince me out of this or that, but once I decided, she backed me up 100%. She encouraged me to decide and to take the reins. There were times I doubted myself, when she believed in me more than I believed in myself... Today, I'm used to making big decisions and taking the reins. Part of that is because of her constant belief in me.

I always greet him with a quick hug and kiss... looks like it's time for me to step it up a notch!

You definitely should. Take an extra moment, gaze in his eyes, show him desire. This need not lead to sex. This is about desire. But if he needs to adjust his pants after, you'd have a clear sign that you're doing it right.

[–]deco_doll 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Intent behind the words have even greater power. Actualization has even greater power than those two.

Very true. When my pre-RP ex was heading off to work and thought he was going to have a bad day because of call-offs, inventory, etc., I would sit down with him for a quick second and give him a kiss/hug and say "Today is going to be a good day. Time will fly by, and when you get home, XX (insert his favorite meal here) will be ready." I would also make sure to do something cute, like send him a sexy selfie, suggestive text, etc.

Even though we didn't work out, he still says that I always made him feel better when he was upset, and that not many girls went out of their way like that for him.

[–]mabeol 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I'm curious. What does that look like? The actions behind complete, 100% support? Can you share a few things your MIL said or did that really knocked it outta the park for you? I think

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Seems like your last sentence got cut off.

I can't pinpoint any specific thing without giving out too much personal information. The point is that she backed me up 100% on everything.

In her eyes, I always did a good job even if I didn't think so.

She submitted to my decisions and backed me up even if she disagreed.

She never criticized my mistakes. There was never an "I told you so".

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I swear I can feel the tenor of his words change when I remind him that I have complete faith in him.

I'm sure he feels a complete emotional change when you do this too!

[–][deleted]  (17 children)

[deleted]

[–]deco_doll 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that is a huge turn off for both sexes. I feel it's so disrespectful and immature. Can't blame anyone for nexting someone who is always reaching for their phone, or laying on the table; as if the world will end if they miss a text or don't post their dinner on instagram!

[–]HobbesTheBrave 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I use this test on both sexes. If your phone is visible, I'm wasting my time on you.

[–]Spazzy19 2 points3 points  (1 child)

It definitely applies for me and men, too.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely!

[–]SSapplejack 2 points3 points  (12 children)

I have the opposite problem. My husband would be on his during dinner if id let him. for me dinner is "us" time and very special, but he would rather watch TV or browse his phone while he eats. should I let this behavior be because it's what he wants or should I approach him again? I've already told him it's important to me.

[–][deleted]  (9 children)

[deleted]

    [–]SSapplejack 3 points4 points  (8 children)

    Thanks so much for your reply ! you've basically summed up how I feel about the situation. I love taking the time to put dinner on the table and I am feeling a little disrespected when we dont get to enjoy it "together". maybe I'll try giving him a bit more alone time after work to unwind and see if that helps him to be more in the moment during dinner.

    [–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 6 points7 points  (5 children)

    When my wife is distracted while I'm trying to talk to her, whether it's the phone or something else, I will simply stop talking mid sentence. If she doesn't catch herself right away, I'll simply go do something else.

    I will only engage with someone who is engaged.

    [–]SSapplejack 1 point2 points  (4 children)

    I've tried this approach but he just kind of assumes i was done talking and also goes to do something else.

    [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (2 children)

    Try touching him before talking to him, or if he isn't comfortable with that, getting closer to him and then talking.

    [–]SSapplejack 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Oh that's good advice ! I'll make a conscience effort to do this.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Thanks, good luck.

    [–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    You need to find a way to get your point across in a manner that he will hear you.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]SSapplejack 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      We're really good at communication and usually following through but he falls into his habits pretty easily, I'll definitely speak to him about it and help him stick to a plan.

      [–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      should I let this behavior be because it's what he wants or should I approach him again?

      Approach him again. It's unacceptable to drive while on your phone, why is it acceptable to spent time with your spouse while on the phone?

      [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I have asked my husband to put his phone down. If it's done respectfully, it isn't rude.

      [–]deco_doll 8 points9 points  (1 child)

      Excellent advice, than you!! I'd also like to add: after you greet him with a hug/kiss, let him decide if he wants to talk to you about his day, or if he needs time to unwind in the bedroom/study alone for a bit. Some men unwind by venting about their job, others like to forget it once they get home and just relax in solitude before dinner

      [–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      You're welcome.

      I'd also like to add: after you greet him with a hug/kiss, let him decide if he wants to talk to you about his day, or if he needs time to unwind in the bedroom/study alone for a bit. Some men unwind by venting about their job, others like to forget it once they get home and just relax in solitude before dinner

      Good point.

      [–]Gardrothard 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      My wife made me feel like a failure, my MIL made me feel like God's gift to humanity. She believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. Ultimately, that prevented me from failure. It worked.

      This cannot be stressed enough. 15 years ago my dad lost his job, we ended up broke with no apartment living with my grandmother off her pension (around 30 euros/20 dollars per month). We were broke because my dad took all of the savings to found his firm. There were days when we didn't have money to buy bread. My mom would beg the neighbours for some apples from their backyards. My dad worked for 12-16 hours every day and very often not get paid. On top of that, we were living in a small town and people really enjoyed to see him fall so nobody wanted to give his firm a job. Even the closest family, his mother in law would turn her head away when she saw him on the street.

      Now his net worth is around 50m euros. Once, when we were alone I asked him how is it that he was able to pull that off. He said that having kids and a wife who believed in him when he didn't trust himself was what kept him going. Not once did she nag or say something along the lines "That was stupid" , "Your firm is a failure, it's not earning us money for 3 years now" and so on. The only time she actually put her nose into his business was to name the firm. She named it "I believe".

      Believe in your man and you'll be amazed how much he can accomplish.

      [–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Thank you for sharing this. It's beautiful.