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[FIELD REPORT]Be a blessing to your SO by not bothering him at work with stuff that's neither time sensitive nor urgent. (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by HappySnowGirl

All captains are different and will have different expectations for handing children and discipline. This isn't meant as gospel, just a story of something that happened in my home.

My daughter brought a note home from school this week explaining that she was not being very nice to a classmate. This is the first time something like this has happened (for my middle child, at least) and my first instinct was to call my husband at work and cry, "Oh no, MiddleSnowGirl got in trouble at school. What ever will we do!?"

But then I had a second thought. What exactly was my husband going to do about it in this moment, that I couldn't do myself? He was in the middle of his work stresses and why should I pile on something that he couldn't immediately and directly act on? Certainly this issue could sit and wait until he got home. I would handle it in the moment and we'd talk about it when he got home.

So then he walked through the door in the evening. The kids run to him, and he puts away his keys and wallet and goes directly into his after work unwind. And I think, he's still shaking off all that work stuff. The school stuff can wait. We'll talk at dinner.

To be honest, I actually forgot about the whole issue until we were both in bed with the light out, and I certainly wasn't going to wake him up. And I realized that my daughter's misbehavior probably wasn't as big of a deal as it felt many hours before. She's a good kid who behaves well, and even good kids have a bad moment.

Now, the story isn't over. The same child got another note the next day. This is VERY unusual behavior and two days of disciplinary notes means it's time for the captain to get involved, at least in this household. Still, I decided that this wasn't a middle-of-the-day work call situation. She wasn't shanking kids on the playground or anything. It can still sit and wait until dinner.

I'm writing this because sometimes I know that I forget that, while my husband is my greatest resource, it's not necessary (or kind) to dump everything at his doorstep. Some stuff can't wait, but a lot of stuff can. And if you give it a little time, a lot of stuff doesn't have to be shared at all.


[–]Simpsondimsum 7 points8 points  (3 children)

This is a great post.

I follow the advice I read here once about only telling my fiancé things that went well in my day (briefly) after he's had dinner and the maybe if I have a problem I tell him about it and the solution I designed for it.

Otherwise I try to fill his evenings with laughter and jokes and relaxed fun. He has a stressful enough day with work and grad school. And I spend all day at home doing what I can to make it a warm and soft place to land.

[–]PrimaPanda 0 points1 point  (2 children)

When you do have issues, how do you recommend they get phrased so it sounds less like whining or ranting? This is something I'm not good at and that i really need to improve... I get stressed too easily and can rant too quickly

[–]HappySnowGirl[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Consider whether you're wanting actual advice and assistance or just an emotional dump. Sometimes your SO is the right person to go to with your emotions, but not for every itty bitty little thing.

[–]PrimaPanda 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like that "emotional dump" name, it gives a good title to a negative behavior. I think it'll be easier to reflect before I speak if I think of it like that. Bonus that I'm going back to work tomorrow so I very well could have to be conscious of the whining and ranting urge after. Thanks for the response :)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Thank you for taking the time to share this.

Do you know what's been going on with your daughter? Have you talked to her about this directly?

I agree - if you can handle a situation on your own, you should absolutely do so. When there's a bit of down-time, you can run over the relevant facts with your H so he's up to date with everything.

I'll be adding this field report to the other ones located on the side bar. :0)

Edit: Congratulations, you now have two entries linked there!

[–]HappySnowGirl[S] 7 points8 points  (3 children)

She's only four, but the gist I get is that she's calling another kid "poopy pants." So, not acceptable behavior, but also nothing to panic about. With my oldest, I would have gotten all worked up for sure. One of my personal goals for 2014 is to chill the feck out, and it's had an amazingly positive impact on my whole family.

[–]guernblanston 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Well.... was your daughter accurate? :-)

[–]HappySnowGirl[S] 8 points9 points  (1 child)

LOL - yes, she was, actually. Like, literally, he does poop in his pants sometimes.

[–]Simpsondimsum 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is a great post.

I follow the advice I read here once about only telling my fiancé things that went well in my day (briefly) after he's had dinner and the maybe if I have a problem I tell him about it and the solution I designed for it.

Otherwise I try to fill his evenings with laughter and jokes and relaxed fun. He has a stressful enough day with work and grad school. And I spend all day at home doing what I can to make it a warm and soft place to land.

[–]ayvyns 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When things like this happen I've started to think "Don't let it grow". Not even in your own head. Because minor issues will grow only if you "feed them", and if something is just an insignificant annoyance it's best to just forget completely.

[–]hawthornevine 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You bring up such a good point! I really think this is so important to keep in mind for all relationships in general. Nobody likes being around someone who is negative; the world is harsh enough that we all have our own problems, it's a good idea not to burden others with them when they might already be stressed.

I've found this to be very applicable with my good friends. While they all would be more than happy to help me out during troubled times, constantly being a downer would wear them down. Sometimes I need to remind myself that cheerful silence and a smile is much more powerful than weary sighs and tears.

[–]super-nsfw 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love it!

[–]somethingelse19 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it is common sense to just know how to determine what really needs immediate "lets call him at work" attention. You made great points! It's something that you can deal with. He comes home tired and last thing to bother him with is something minor (at least how you described it).

[–]Position5hero 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is really great. Just to add- please don't bring this stuff up the second I come home. When I get home it's - thank god, work is over, I can relax. The LAST thing I want to hear about is problems, because that's what I've been dealing with all day. Just give me some time to settle first- even 10 minutes will be appreciated as opposed to the second I walk in the door.

Also this board is amazing keep it up