FIELD REPORTThe importance of taming the hamster and shutting the hell up apparently extends even to friendships and family relationships. (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by redvelvetica

Good day, everybody :) So a while ago I posted a thread about feeling overlooked and ignored by people who are close to me, namely my family and my friends. While many of you have given valuable advice on that thread, I feel that it is still important for me to submit this write-up.

Near the end of last month, I turned 25. Little did I know that they planned to celebrate my birthday in more ways than one! My mother threw a surprise birthday party on the day itself — she bought three ice-cream cakes, a bouquet of yellow fresh flowers because she knows that is currently my favourite colour, and shiny balloons — along with my aunt and my cousins. Even my uncle-in-law took some time from his schedule to wish me twice and to save some brownies for me from a tournament he had organised!

Initially, I wasn’t into the whole thing and even dreaded it, because I was feeling very depressed and planned to spend that day sleeping in, and I almost expressed my sentiments verbally. However, I decided that it would be a lot kinder and more considerate for me to just shut the hell up (instead of complaining about being forced to put up a façade of being all-smiles when I clearly would rather just die) the moment I observed how happy and pleased my mother seemed to be with her whole arrangement, and how my cousins seemed to be enjoying themselves: The boys were engrossed with the punching ball, while the girls indulged in making art using watercolour and practicing the piano — all of which they do not do in their own home due to a lack of resources. It would have been silly and even cruel for me to rain on other people’s parade just because a storm almost cancelled my own. In a way, taking the focus off my emotions and onto that of others helps a lot with putting the hamster to sleep instead of going on overdrive on its wheel all the time.

A few days after that, a friend of mine invited me and another girl friend on what I thought would have been a regular meetup. Again, little did I know that she and her boyfriend were taking us to his home to feed us cake! Also, I’m not very sure if this is RPW-like and/or NSFW to mention, but my friend’s boyfriend rolled a few joints and let me experiment for the first time! I am not in any way advocating any form of recreational drug usage, but being high on marijuana felt like having gravity and anti-gravity working simultaneously! It was surreal, like that meme of a puppy being tied to floating balloons. However, I don’t know if I will ever do it again, to be honest... The strain tasted quite earthy from what I can remember. Nonetheless, it was an interesting experience, and I cannot thank my friend and her boyfriend enough for helping me cross that off my bucket list — on my birth month nonetheless.

Anyway, the real point is that I felt so grateful to have friends who took the time and effort to plan something special for my belated birthday, and late at night while at that. (Luckily the next day was a public holiday!) I realised that it’s not that they stopped caring about me or have neglected me; it’s just that they have all been incredibly busy and exhausted that they might not be very keen on communicating via digital means on the daily. When we all conversed face-to-face and played Charades while laughing a lot, I felt the warm positive energy that I craved for a long time (beyond the weed, really!) and knew that nothing has really changed other than the way I had been perceiving our friendship.

The friend with the boyfriend even bought me an artsy book filled with motivational quotations written in various fonts and calligraphy to get me through tough times, and a handmade embroidered keychain in the form of red lips (because it reminded her of me and my red lipstick!).

I have been very unfair to my loved ones and I am quite glad I didn’t lash out or erupt or say anything damaging so far. It turns out that I had been having rather unwholesome thoughts about them that were not even truly founded in reality, and if only I had been a little more impatient, I could have ruined everything the way I did (or almost did) in the past when I was a lot more impulsive and a lot more tempestuous.

Lesson learnt: Meditate on your hamster (or make it meditate!), meditate on your surroundings, and shut the hell up unless you want to ruin any relationship or friendship worth having in your life, I guess?

[–]RainbowKitty77 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Love this. Glad you enjoyed your birthday celebrations! I've also smoked before. Not in two years and it was never really my thing but I tried it a few times.

[–]redvelvetica[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you :) ✨

[–]WhySoOverHeated 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Thanks for sharing this. I find it SO hard to STFU, but your story reminds me why I have too. Not just in my relationship with my partner, but with others as well. The past couple of years I have been less and less outlashing and it has seemed to improve several relationships (mom, dad, sister). But I am really not near the goal yet. If I feel mistreated by others I start an emotional loop and loose all assertiveness and will eventually start yelling. That doesn't exactly make me a person people respect more. I am also very arrogant at times (I often believe that I am right and others are wrong!), which makes it even harder for me to shut up or just 'let go' of the conversation. Often people never intended to hurt you, but did their best to please you, but I often forget their intention and instead evaluate the outcome and judge them by this instead. This is probably why my previous partners never felt like they were 'enough'.

[–]redvelvetica[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re welcome :) You sound a lot like me — the good thing is that both of us are actively working on our shortcomings!

Sometimes I think our tempestuousness comes from frustration in dealing with the way human relationships go about — with how trivial certain nuances and expectations are, and how much easier it would be for all of us to just be frank and direct with what we feel without having to filter ourselves out of fear of certain repercussions. Kinda like, “Why can’t you people just be authentic and straightforward 24/7?!”

Over the years, though, I realised that it is important to not force overt (or even covert!) communication all of the time. This is not to say that we should suppress what we think and feel about pertinent issues — just that there are more tactful and artful ways to go about them. And for other kinds of issues, it might even be better to let them go and get on with life to avoid making a mountain out of a molehill.

The biggest mistake I made in my previous relationship was to go to extremes: At some points, I became a doormat, out of fear of upsetting my partner and our relationship, and naturally he didn’t respect me for that; at some points I became too much of a shrew, and he still didn’t respect me for that. No wonder standing up for myself didn’t work — I wasn’t doing it in a way that could “tap” into his psyche. Being aggressive is not the same as being assertive, and the former helped ruin my relationship when I really wanted to fix it with the latter. Honestly, I don’t regret that it ended, because I feel freer and happier (yes, really) now, but sometimes I still regret behaving the way I did in the past. I guess I can only chalk it up to immaturity and inexperience now.