47
48

FIELD REPORT"Whatever you think" (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by hottytoddy887

One of the first steps to take in The Surrendered Wife is to use the phrase "whatever you think" to show your husband (in my case, LTR boyfriend) that you respect his thoughts. No variations, just straight up "Whatever you think."

So we go out to dinner last night, and he's looking at appetizers. He says, "Do you want (my favorite app) or (his favorite app)?" I say, "I'm fine either way. They both sound good." And then I remember what she said, so I said "whatever you think". I didn't think I could say it nicely or sincerely, but since it was such a low pressure situation, it came out very genuinely.

Y'all, he looked at me, looked down, looked at me again and said, "We'll get (my favorite app) since you like it so much." I melted. I think I'll keep him <3


[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (7 children)

This stuff works! I was so surprised when these tips and rules started working for me. It's almost too simple!

[–]hottytoddy887[S] 8 points9 points  (6 children)

I was afraid it would feel manipulative, especially when she says to say it with as much kindness as you can muster. I try hard to gracious and kind, but I have control issues. And I am bad at faking things. So I was nervous. But I loved that it was such a chill moment and I genuinely meant it. Honestly, if I had said anything else, I would have told him to get what he wanted, but that still has that element of control.

[–]mrgrtjones 7 points8 points  (2 children)

I ordered The Surrendered Wife a few days ago--per the suggestions of RPW--and it just arrived in the mail today. Your field report makes me super excited to start reading.

I am totally in the "control issues" boat and am a terrible faker. It feels awful and it's completely transparent.

Thanks for the update!

[–]hottytoddy887[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I cringe when I read some of the examples she gives of women who flip out on their husbands, because I see so much of me.

I was out the other day and a man came into a waiting area. He said hi to the people working and then just stood there. I guess his wife or girlfriend or whatever was in the room, because she told him to stop being so weird and to go sit down. Ouch! (I know I'm not mean like that, at least.)

[–]mrgrtjones 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Once I gain some distance from a situation I find it amusing that often the people and actions I judge most harshly are those that I easily see in myself.

I'm awfully terrible sometimes but luckily (?) I usually don't exhibit my snark in public. And certainly never give a command in public like that. Ouch indeed!

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]hottytoddy887[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Thanks for a guy's perspective!

    I do respect him, but I know he feels like I don't. So anything that shows it in any way is great.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I know exactly what you mean. It's really the perfect saying!

    [–]bonerdude420 12 points13 points  (2 children)

    Just don't say it if you don't really mean it.

    There's nothing worse than a girl telling you 'you choose' then being disappointed because you made the 'wrong' choice

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Yeah I'm torn here as well. On the one hand, suppose that he knows what her favourite thing is. Then he's capable of deciding and ordering it himself, and questions like "what do you want" are superfluous. On the other hand, if I ask someone "which one do you prefer" and they answer "neither/I don't care", then obviously I'm going to order the one I prefer (which maximises the total utility)!

    [–]hottytoddy887[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    That's what I was afraid of happening, especially since I have no poker face. But I really would have been okay with either option, so there would have been no disappointment at all.

    [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (4 children)

    I listened to the audio version. This was one part Ive had a very hard time on, because I often say "it's up to you" and it drives my husband crazy. He wants me to have an opinion and express it and is bothered when I do not. Is there a difference between "whatever you think" and "it's up to you?"

    [–]hottytoddy887[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    She talked about how if you say 'whatever you think' it's showing that you not only respect his decision, but also his thoughts. It goes deeper than just letting him choose.

    I'm not sure I see much wrong with asking "what do you think" in a sort of transition period if you are trying to get away from "it's up to you."

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    That's something I didn't think about. I'll give it a try then 😊

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      He definitely does what he wants. There's no question there, he's very strong willed so luckily I don't have to worry about that.

      I'm on the other sub...Good information there. Perhaps I will pose this question in the form of a new topic.

      [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Yay! Little things add up :)

      [–]mabeol 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      I love this phrase! I like to follow it up with "I trust you," based on the context, but especially if it's a bigger decision. I said this to my SO in front of his best friend a week or two ago, and I swear I saw his chest puff up!

      Proud of you :) enjoy Doyle's book. I loved it.

      [–]hottytoddy887[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Ooh, I like that!

      [–][deleted]  (3 children)

      [removed]

      [–]Galadriel26 6 points7 points  (2 children)

      If you see it like that then everything we do is manipulation. Be nice to friends? Manipulation. Raise children in a way you think is good? Manipulation. Give to charity? Manipulation. Or, we can just call it being respectful and listen to his opinions, and letting him eat the things he wants to, which is what it is and what she did. The opposite would be bad.

      [–]HobbesTheBrave 5 points6 points  (1 child)

      Manipulation is covert and against the other person's interests/wants. Manipulation is never admitted, not even when threatened.

      Persuasion is overt and makes the other person's interest/want. It's leading, not pushing. It's latin for 'sweeten', 'sweetening'. To make a hard choice taste less bitter, more sweet. Nobody's arguing that persuasion happened. The salesmen sold me an old car, but I like this car.

      Manipulation leaves the target bleeding, in tears, feeling cheated, hurt, disrespected. Salesmen who manipulate, they get taken to court.

      [–]Galadriel26 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      That was nicely described. Thanks. Which also shows that what she did here was not manipulation, (if she didn't have any hidden evil plan with it). I would rather say that finding good phrases is about social skills and the ability to put your thoughts into words. Some people are out and about all the time and pick up social skills easily, and would know from reflex the right things to say to get their thoughts through to the other person.

      Other people who are more introverted, like me, actually need to practice or study the right phrases some times to avoid sounding passive aggressive or too avoidant, when that is not my wish.

      The reason I started reading RPW was their section about language, which was a good read for me, especially since I'm not an english native speaker. I don't see it as manipulation, rather a way to get thoughts through and communicate in a respectful way. :)