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FIELD REPORTFR: Tragedy - When femininity should take the lead (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor

Whether your guy is your Captain, partner, boyfriend, Sir, husband, pack leader or just your Man, we expect them to be just that: The Man.

Tragedy

Let me start with the sad stuff. I’m not seeking concern but tragedy means that sad stuff must be explained.

This week we lost a member of our Pack. One of our cats was hit by a car. If you’ve ever lost a pet you know the heartbreak this can cause. Usually when something bad happens. I know I can count on my husband to be the strong one. This time it was quickly clear that I was going to have to take care of him. We jointly adopted Kittie as a kitten and to me, he was very much our cat. But to my husband this was his cat and he was definitely Kittie’s Human. They had a great bond and his death was heartbreaking in so many ways.

My big strong husband held himself together long enough to retrieve and lovingly bury Kittie (I cannot even begin to express my appreciation that he was able to handle this awful task). After that we both fell into a misery bubble.

Masculine v Feminine

Masculine energy is direct, it accomplishes things, it finds answers. When tragedies like this happen, there are no answers. Instead there is just an overwhelming sadness and heartbreak that knows no direction. It can’t be changed and it can’t be fixed. Tragedy is time for feminine energy to take the reins. I watched my big strong man fall apart. He looked for answers that didn’t exist. His masculinity could give him the strength him bury his beloved pet, it couldn’t help him get through the pain.

Feminine energy on the other hand is receptive. I’m not perfect and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t cried A LOT. But I have in me the ability to take his pain and be compassionate. I can cry with him and still allow it to be about his pain (this was very difficult the first day but gets a little easier with time.) My heart broke doubly watching him realize his beloved pet had died. But I understand that in dealing with emotions like these, I’m the strong one. I can handle the horrific sadness without asking why (there is no reason) and without wondering what we could have done differently (effectively nothing). My emotions are my power here. I can understand and process without expectation or reason and still be receptive to my husbands emotions so that I can help him process.

Femininity Leading

The only things that can be done in these sorts of situations is to provide our men comfortable space to grieve. As difficult as it’s been, I’ve tried to keep the house (mostly) clean. I made sure the fridge was restocked (though I did delay this one day too many - as I said, I’m not perfect). I let us wallow and eat junk food for a few days and then decided when it was time to start our normal routine again (food-wise). I’ve made sure to give my husband space while still sticking around so that I’m available when he needs a shoulder. I handled some of the social aspects by contacting the friends who I knew would understand and offer him an outlet if he needed it (without him having to explain). I didn’t overstep by informing everyone until we both felt stronger. I bought him conditioner for his beard so he’d have something new and nice to perk him up, instead of dragging himself half-heartedly through the normal daily routine.

I also recognized that I was in too much pain to build him back up. There was a lot that I could do, but in some ways we were feeding each other’s sorrow. So I outsourced my femininity. A lot of people will disagree with this part and it might not be for everyone but bear with me. He didn’t want to see his best friend this weekend because he was too raw. I get that. If I had to guess he felt laid low. Instead I invited over a friend of mine with whom he has a mildly flirty relationship. (This doesn’t bother me -but it certainly isn’t for everyone). Because she loved our cat she was compassionate enough to understand. Because it wasn’t her pet she was in a position to appeal to his masculinity. She asked his opinion about purchasing a new car and he got to be an authority again. She allowed him to talk about Kittie without it causing her to break into tears (something I was having trouble with still) and so we were able to remember him fondly instead of only in sorrow & pain.

And it worked as a feedback loop too. The more she helped him feel like himself, the more I felt like myself. His best friend called him that night and he answered and laughed with him. We fooled around for the first time in 10 days (since Kittie went missing). I’ll make him his favorite meal tonight because I know it won’t taste like ash in his mouth now.

I still cried this morning. We’re a long way from healed but we’ve started. This is my girl power.


[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars 28 points29 points  (1 child)

I think the most important lesson I got from your post was how you handled this situation not through words but through deeds.

I think I (and probably most women) would've tried to get my husband to talk about his feelings and vent (which is how women tend to deal with grief) and got frustrated when he inevitably shut down on me or got even more upset by talking about it.

Instead, you performed quiet acts of service and simply made yourself physically and emotionally available, regardless of whether your husband was able to actively engage with you at the moment.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

would've tried to get my husband to talk about his feelings and vent

Yes! Our closest friends offered to come down to be with us over the weekend and I thought that would have been best for him. I had to bite my tongue not to push that on him too soon.

I'm also lucky that I was able to text with my friend for a big chunk of the weekend. Having my own support network made it much easier to turn around and support him in the way he needed.

[–]mrpthrowa 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Reading this I thought what you did was awesome, then coming to this paragraph...

I also recognized that I was in too much pain to build him back up. There was a lot that I could do, but in some ways we were feeding each other’s sorrow. So I outsourced my femininity. A lot of people will disagree with this part and it might not be for everyone but bear with me. He didn’t want to see his best friend this weekend because he was too raw. I get that. If I had to guess he felt laid low. Instead I invited over a friend of mine with whom he has a mildly flirty relationship. (This doesn’t bother me -but it certainly isn’t for everyone). Because she loved our cat she was compassionate enough to understand. Because it wasn’t her pet she was in a position to appeal to his masculinity. She asked his opinion about purchasing a new car and he got to be an authority again. She allowed him to talk about Kittie without it causing her to break into tears (something I was having trouble with still) and so we were able to remember him fondly instead of only in sorrow & pain.

Girls, this lady has stepped into the realm of unicorn here. Understanding masculinity to this level and applying that understanding? yes that's what separates dolls and wannabees from unicorns.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Awesome. Good move on bringing in an outsider, and good to see that you're secure enough in your relationship to do so and not feel it as a threat.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks. That part (inviting my friend) was so much more effective than I thought it would be. I'm not generally insecure but it would have been worth the insecurity just to see him be more upbeat than he's been. It's not something I'd specifically suggest to others - because certainly if I couldn't handle it, it could have made things worse, so it's a really a YMMV sort of thing - but it's definitely an idea in my arsenal now.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Very good post!

While I don't have pets and can't relate to this level of grief and attachment to an animal, I can relate to experiencing emotions at this level of intensity.

Your assessment of masculine and feminine ways of handling things is a very good one. Your course of action was even better! Most women would have expected their man to fix something when there's nothing to fix. You're right that this is where the feminine needs to lead.

Another wonderful thing is that you didn't make him talk about his feelings. This would have just caused him to clam up.

[–]Ezaar 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Very interesting and creative method.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. For me, it all comes down to what is effective.

[–][deleted]  (7 children)

[deleted]

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (6 children)

Thank you for the condolences.

There probably are ways to help build him back up other than another woman. Husband has been teaching me to shoot a rifle lately and if he had been more up to getting out of the house, I may have suggested that. It would have allowed him to feel authoritative and given him a purpose. The problem was that neither of us were feeling very focused or motivated to go and do much of anything. Sometimes when he's down I will ask him questions on topics he is knowledgeable about so that he can go off on a long answer / lecture and feel smart and guiding. A lot of it is just the quiet service that u/RubyWooToo mentioned. But my abilities were limited by my own pain in this case.

I have been wondering if people think that more occurred between Husband and Friend than actually did. It really was as basic as I described it, I was there too and what lit him up more than anything was helping her research cars. She just happens to innately understand how to speak directly to his masculinity. I've watched the down votes on this post and feel genuinely confused. I can't figure out what seems so distasteful to people at how I handled the situation. Especially because that part was a small moment in time when there were other things that I'd been doing as well.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[removed]

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

::shrug:: you've obviously never lost a pet you care for then. My grandfather struggled in the same way when their dog died.

[–]LaceandsilksModerator | Lace[M] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Removed for being wholly irrelevant and rude. There is zero reason to turn this into some kind of sexist issue when /u/girlwithabike and her husband are dealing with a serious loss and he did these things willingly.

If you cannot be polite then you need to be quiet.