FIELD REPORTField Report: Work Stress and great changes in a very LTR (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by Mamalamb1

Captain and I have been together for 13 years and have a gaggle of children. Year 10 was brutal and we considered separation. Year 11 I found RP and RPW and Surrendered Wife. I was quite a traditionalist to begin, but sometimes horrible patterns crop up so easily!

Recently he took a leap and landed his dream job he has worked toward the past 10 years. I like to think this materialized sooner and more simply because he was inoculated with so much trust and respect at home.

The job is executive level in a challenged organization and sector. He’s gone a ton now and not able to fully disconnect from the office even on vacation. His stress has been high and his libido waning some. It was helpful to remember why he puts himself through this and remember how well he provides for our large family

This week a big work decision had to be made, each choice fraught with it’s own consequences. At home he was a mess, completely losing frame in so many situations and very unlike himself. I started to get so angry and feel the need to provide direction or SAY SOMETHING. Thankfully, enough small victories made me more empowered to break the cycle further.

I made sure I was generally happy: I let the laundry pile up and while my littlest ones were at school and hiked a small mountain for exercise and inspiration. I made sure to shower and do my makeup everyday FOR me. I kept dinner simple and slated any extra house projects. When he came home I gave him the space to vent about the big work issue if he chose. I listened and asked intelligent questions, I affirmed his decision making and even reminded him of different scenarios where he had out performed or lead the organization well.

Yesterday, I suggested a movie for date night as that would relax and not require relational work from him. He likely expended most of that at work this week. He really enjoyed the movie.

Here’s the big deal. I still felt fairly disconnected. Weekends we normally rejuvenate as a couple and I was sad. In the past, I would get a little huffy or insecure or even make a snide commment.

Instead, this morning during a hug goodbye I just told him I missed him. I think I was probably referring to his more normal self and our more typical dates. Of course, he acted confused since we just went on a date. I said “I just do. And I know you just have SO much on your mind right now.” He apologized right away and said I was right about him being distracted. I assured him I did not need an apology. I took most of the kids away for the morning so he could enjoy baseball and hopefully mull over his big work decision.

I came home to flowers and a handwritten note thanking me for my support and assuring me I’m still attractive (in much more colorful language than I will share here). My mostly cynical heart heart bursted.

[–]mmerijn 17 points18 points  (1 child)

With the right person being virtuous is worth it.

[–]MissNietzsche 4 points5 points  (0 children)

With the right person

[–]bambiliftsweights 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Congrats, I think that’s so awesome!! Flowers are always the best!! Your Captain is incredible and you are a wonderful First Mate!!!

[–]luckorpreparation 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Fabulous story and thank you! Glad to hear it is blossoming again. Can you share for perspective a few things in year 10 that improved? Similar situation sans kids : )

[–]Mamalamb1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Year 10 was wholly traumatic for both of us: tremendous life stress and four kids in diapers. It seems year 10 is tough for most couples, at least in my circles!

Year 11 things started to improve with a recommitment to each other. I had no clue what I was doing but I wasn’t going to quit! I read some Athol Kay. That gave me a new perspective. I always worked on my girl game, but that was reinvigorating as I entered my 30s. Then I read Laura Doyle. STFU took time. Saying “I want _____.” helped him understand me way better. And “Whatever you think.” worked well after a time- he was probably shocked. We also cut back on many things and guarded bedroom/play time fiercely. I said thank you SOOO much even what I viewed as inconsequential. After awhile this practice seriously changed my perspective. I no longer felt entitled, and viewed most small things as an overture of love. Which for my Captain, made him even more willing to give more.

I protected myself a bit more so I could continue to be fun and light as much as possible despite circumstances. I got offered two exciting community board positions that I ended up turning down. I can’t stop the myriad of tasks that my children and home need at this stage, so I knew that time would cost something from our relationship or my sanity.

I exercise regularly and DH knows that really helps my mood, perspective, and my attention. He tries to make it possible when schedules get crazy. He goes before work two days a week and we try to lift weights together over the weekend.

I don’t attend church Sunday mornings lately because it’s my one chance all week to catch up on sleep. I’m up at 0530 every other day, DH is a night owl.

I try to slate some common complaints/problems to see if they persist before I come complains to DH. Half the time they resolve or I figure it out on my own.

I hope that helps!? It was really hundreds of tiny baby steps (and some missteps too). It becomes habit over time. I know I cannot control him, but I believe most good willed relationships respond to even one-sided attempts at improvement.

[–]littleshroom 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Loved this. Thank you for sharing!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wonderful post, thank you for sharing. It's always inspiring to read stories like this.

[–]alpha-zach 4 points5 points  (0 children)

For fucks sake, if more women were like you, we might actually have a peaceful world.