Captain and I have been together for 13 years and have a gaggle of children. Year 10 was brutal and we considered separation. Year 11 I found RP and RPW and Surrendered Wife. I was quite a traditionalist to begin, but sometimes horrible patterns crop up so easily!
Recently he took a leap and landed his dream job he has worked toward the past 10 years. I like to think this materialized sooner and more simply because he was inoculated with so
much trust and respect at home.
The job is executive level in a challenged organization and sector. He’s gone a ton now and not able to fully disconnect from the office even on vacation. His stress has been high and his libido waning some. It was helpful to remember why he puts himself through this and remember how well he provides for our large family
This week a big work decision had to be made, each choice fraught with it’s own consequences. At home he was a mess, completely losing frame in so many situations and very unlike himself. I started to get so angry and feel the need to provide direction or SAY SOMETHING. Thankfully, enough small victories made me more empowered to break the cycle further.
I made sure I was generally happy: I let the laundry pile up and while my littlest ones were at school and hiked a small mountain for exercise and inspiration. I made sure to shower and do my makeup everyday FOR me. I kept dinner simple and slated any extra house projects. When he came home I gave him the space to vent about the big work issue if he chose. I listened and asked intelligent questions, I affirmed his decision making and even reminded him of different scenarios where he had out performed or lead the organization well.
Yesterday, I suggested a movie for date night as that would relax and not require relational work from him. He likely expended most of that at work this week. He really enjoyed the movie.
Here’s the big deal. I still felt fairly disconnected. Weekends we normally rejuvenate as a couple and I was sad. In the past, I would get a little huffy or insecure or even make a snide commment.
Instead, this morning during a hug goodbye I just told him I missed him. I think I was probably referring to his more normal self and our more typical dates. Of course, he acted confused since we just went on a date. I said “I just do. And I know you just have SO much on your mind right now.” He apologized right away and said I was right about him being distracted. I assured him I did not need an apology. I took most of the kids away for the morning so he could enjoy baseball and hopefully mull over his big work decision.
I came home to flowers and a handwritten note thanking me for my support and assuring me I’m still attractive (in much more colorful language than I will share here). My mostly cynical heart heart bursted.