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ADVICEDealing with rude girl friends (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by ElfFey

I was just going to ask this as a general question, but I guess it would be helpful to share why it came up in my life.

Over the weekend, I asked my girl friends if anyone wanted to go to the pool. Two of the girls gave me "hard" no's: sarcastic, and "why would I want to do that" responses. The other two girls never responded to my private messages, although I saw that they "read" them right away.

I thought this was rude, but it's one of those things where I can't really speak up about it without looking like I'm freaking out or being controlling. It got me thinking that women are masters of that-- deflecting, avoiding, and communicating what you do/don't want without being straightforward. We also tend to be the ones accepting or rejecting plans from guys, so I got a taste of that and didn't like it.

Often when I'm dealing with other women, I feel that there is this underhanded language im not really privy too. A friend who I'm having a great time with, will start making fun of me to a group of guys at a bar or in front of our other friends. I tend to just ignore it. In my experience, calling someone out on it gets a response like, "I'm just jokinggg!!!"

So, rpw, how do you deal with girlfriends acting "bitchy"?

P.S. I went to the pool by myself -- I was a little worried I was going to be the only girl in her 20's there alone, but I wasn't, and I had fun swimming around :)


[–]AboveZoom 41 points42 points  (4 children)

I think you are in denial that they are even your real friends.

A real friend might not want to go to the pool, but would still go because they care about you and you asked. They would look at it as spending quality time with their friend and not just the act of going to a pool.

Being fun to hang around doesn't mean they'll naturally care about you in a way that you need.

It sounds like you need to reach deep inside and ask yourself your boundaries and standards for friendship. Then you need to respect yourself and follow-through with those parameters in mind. If they're rude/bitchy to you, tell yourself the following: 1) this is their behavior, not mine, 2) this behavior speaks volumes about them, not me, and 3) this behavior is grounds for me to significantly decrease communication to acquaintance level.

If I were you, I would either drop them as reliable friends (don't burn bridges, stay acquaintance friends), or spend some time thinking of witty things to say at the bar.

Sorry if this comes off harsh. Not my intention, but I want you to see how you're giving them the value you should be putting in yourself.

[–]teaandtalk4 Stars 9 points10 points  (3 children)

A real friend might not want to go to the pool, but would still go because they care about you and you asked.

Or, they might not (I don't like pools at all) but wouldn't make rude comments like that. If it were me, I'd say no to the pool but politely, and suggest another hang out arrangement.

[–]AboveZoom 3 points4 points  (2 children)

I can get on board with this. Having a good relationship with someone means you are both open to compromise.

[–]teaandtalk4 Stars 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Yep. Expecting people to automatically do what you want, just because you want to do it, is unreasonable. But expecting common courtesy is not.

[–]AboveZoom 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Absolutely!

[–]ThatStepfordGalEndorsed Contributor 24 points25 points  (1 child)

Ditch Regina and The Plastics.

[–]oasie 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yep. The worst that can happen is that you end up with quality rather than quantity - a few REAL friends.

If red pill men don't want to hang out with the average american woman then should you force yourself to?

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

They don't sound like friends to me!

Why should you deal with anyone acting bitchy, men or women? IMO it's honestly better to do things on your own for a while and make new friends, than to hang out with toxic people.

[–]Cardiscappa 12 points13 points  (0 children)

P.S. I went to the pool by myself -- I was a little worried I was going to be the only girl in her 20's there alone, but I wasn't, and I had fun swimming around :)

That's how you deal with rude girl friends. Glad you had fun!

When someone says something rude to me, I treat them like a child that just told me the sky is blue and water is wet: "okay" I say. If a girl tells me that the dress I'm wearing is ugly, I simply say "okay" and continue on. If a girl tells me the dress is just fantastic, but she's making fun of me, I say "thanks! I really like it too!". Shuts them up real quick. Don't second guess yourself in front of them because women like that are like wolves looking for the weak caribou of the herd to take down.

I'd ditch those "friends" and enjoy being on your own. Don't play their games. Don't let others rule over what you do.

[–]Ihatemost 11 points12 points  (2 children)

I have a group of girl friends from high school and in the 6-7 years that I've known them, they have never acted bitchy towards me or towards each other. I'm telling you this so you know that women like this do exist, and you shouldn't waste your time on people who aren't nice to you. Keep going to places you want to go, talk to people, and you'll end up finding a better social circle than the current one :)

[–]ElfFey[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

You're right that I need a better social circle, but your answer made me feel a little sad/nostalgic. I had a very close group of girlfriends in high school, too. Since we graduated from college I feel like everything's fallen apart.

One of the girls is one that ignored me in the above scenario -- I've pretty much already followed the advice on here to demote to "acquaintances" because she does things like that all the time and I'm too annoyed by it. Another one lives in another city, I know it's hard to keep up in that situation, but I'll send her funny things I saw online -- and she never responds. (We chat on the phone sometimes and that's fine.) Another girl and I live close and we still hang out, but last time I invited her to something she was over half an hour late! Again, rude.

I know I can't make anyone respect, prioritize, or want to spend time with me, but I'm very frustrated by this behavior, I feel sad about it.

[–]Ihatemost 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's very hard to find good friends. Even these girls I mentioned. I have no issues of them being rude or flaking or being late, but we aren't very close, we see each other only a few times a year, we're very different so I can't be too open to them about many aspects of my life, there are some awkward silences when we hang out, etc.

I've never had that feeling of having best friends (or even one), the kind of person you tell everything and laugh like crazy when you go out with them and see all the time. These people are rare. Just a couple of months ago I met a guy and we got along amazingly well. Lots in common yet lots to learn from each other, always having a great time when we hang out, etc. Yet for some reason he didn't want to see me that often and I felt like I was the only one who cared about the friendship, so I let it go.

It's tough out there, but don't despair ;) The more you try, the closer you are to your objective

[–]daisyskirt194 7 points8 points  (0 children)

They're not your friends.

Just stop making it a priority to hang out with them. You don't need to ceremonially cut them off, but by not staying in regular contact with them they will be naturally demoted to "acquaintances" without any hard feelings or bridges burned.

Good friends WANT to hang out with you. If you can't find them right now, learn to be content alone for a while :)

[–][deleted]  (4 children)

[deleted]

[–]ElfFey[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

You're right. Everyone else is closer with each other than me. As you bring up, i know who the most influential girl is, too.

I guess I just don't see why that has to translate into rudeness.

[–]oasie 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Probably.

But if a friend who had no real standing in my group suggested something though, and it didn't sound fun, I would just say I was busy that day? Like not be rude about it.

[–]HobbesTheBrave 8 points9 points  (1 child)

So, rpw, how do you deal with girlfriends acting "bitchy"?

You stop inviting them.

The women I respect the most, of the women I respect, it's those who know how the be the best hosts. Not merely because they're the one's who have learnt how to cook, or because they are wise enough to get that well-fed men stick around. But because they know that they can stop inviting the women they don't like. The hostess chooses who gets to eat. Indirectly and covertly, she chooses who starves and who lives. She chooses who get to be a part of the conversation.

If they learn how to behave, you can allow them in the fold again.

Compare that option with 'hoping to get invited'.

[–]ElfFey[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I like this answer a lot, because it touches on the fact that women (even traditional women who are "stuck" in the kitchen) have a lot of power, something that i saw growing up.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I don't think these women like you or really consider you a friend.

Maybe you need to start vetting your friends, the same way as you would a potential romantic partner.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Who doesn't like going to a pool? Swimming is amazing!

And to your question, I don't deal with rude friends. If they're not respectful of me, I slowly cut contact. Friendship is a two way street to me and if your friends aren't giving you anything in return, then it's not worth the emotional effort you put in.

[–]gYpsytuesday 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Being close to your age I have often felt the same way I agree learn to be on your own a bit, it helps a lot (I picked up video games) as far as how to respond just dont. simple. bitchy girls tend to be the loneliest and feed off other girls insecurities that they place. Those girls aren't your friends it took me a long time to differentiate between real friends and girls I call up when I wanna go do stuff. I agree slowly stop talking to them works I've done with a couple girlfriends and I quickly found other girl who wanted to hang out with me. You be okay. you 20 got a lot of friends to meet

[–]Wissenschaft85 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It is so odd that I see this far too often among women. In short, these girls ARE NOT your friends. Real Friends are supportive and polite. Meet more people and make some new friends who know how to be polite. Don't be afraid to cut of "friends" who are rude or otherwise abusive to you. Yes, you can and will make more and better friends.

[–]nattie3789 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yup. Get better friends. A normal response would have been "I can't today, when are you free next?" or "Sorry, I don't like pools, would you like to go out for lunch instead?"

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do what you want and get better 'friends'.

[–]HB3234 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Is there a reason your friend hates pools? Was she involved in a well publicized and humiliating incident with a pool noodle? Is she deathly allergic to chlorine and has told you no less than sixteen times?

If those things indeed are true, you're a terrible and inconsiderate friend who deserved the scoffing you received. Construct a sincere apology at once.

If not, I would echo the suggestions of the other women on this thread - ditch these faux friends. As alternate places to meet other women, I can enthusiastically endorse meet up groups. There are many women-oriented ones for activities as far ranging as museum visiting, mountaineering, cooking clubs, etc. Get involved with a running group. Take a regular yoga class or join a climbing gym and get to know the gals there.