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An Open Letter to Young Women (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by [deleted]

ok. we've been gettign a lot of q s about things like this so i want to say something upfront.

  1. IF YOU TELL A MAN YOU'VE HAD LESBIAN EXPERIENCES HE WILL EXPECT THREESOMES. There is no way to make a man understand that your lesbian experiences or previous MFF threesome experiences don't mean you will ALSO have them with him and that he is entitled to them. to play yourself up as this super hot sexy slut whos had hot porno sex with everyone on earth and then wants to tone it down with your "husband" is cruel, weird and bizarre. stop being idiots

  2. IF YOU START YOUR MARRIAGE SEXUALLY OPEN AND INVOLVING OTHER PEOPLE, DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING YOUR HUSBAND WANTS YOU sold yourself as sexually free to get him, reap the whirlwind of male sexuality. you dont get to play hot porno girlfriend and then be fidelity-demanding, prissy little wives. this is reality, these are men. you are all reaping what you sow

the massive sexualization of young women is leading men to demand from wives and girlfriends of less than a year things men didn't even consider until being married for 20 years in the past. or they just had mistresses and lied. YOUR overwhelming feral sexuality is unleashing theirs. you cant contain it again just because you said "i love you" to each other. your stupid attempts to think you can then place "rules" and "boundaries" on the male youve ensnared with your wiles will backfire. hes not a woman, hes not thinking like you. you set the tone with YOUR sexual continence or profligacy. you may not like it, but this is how it is.


[–]TempestTcup 19 points20 points  (53 children)

YOUR overwhelming feral sexuality is unleashing theirs.

Just remember, if you are a plate, and become a plate bride, you will be a plate wife. If you had a bunch of 3somes in college and before marriage, don't marry a man you wouldn't have a 3some with. If you were a slut before marriage, you need to be a slut for your husband.

Don't go all hog wild when you are young and then dry up when you marry.

[–]Chipped_Nails 11 points12 points  (42 children)

Wait, so I make a decision to have threesomes once in college (or maybe 5 times who knows) and now I'm locked into threesomes for life? Even if I meet my husband years later & I never had a threesome with him? Do I not have any say in the matter any more, say, years down the road? Once a slut, always a slut? Is there no way to reform??

[–]TempestTcup 2 points3 points  (8 children)

LOL, like we could mandate that sort of thing! As with everything you read everywhere, take the general gist of the conversation and apply as it as needed. Don't be a hog-wild slut before marriage and then go all starfish on your husband; or in other words, don't have sex with super hot players in college and then marry a man that you are not sexually attracted to when you are older and get the baby rabies.

Or, do as I did and snag the hot young stud in college, and then you won't have to worry about either being a slut before or having a dead bedroom after you marry.

[–]Chipped_Nails 5 points6 points  (7 children)

don't have sex with super hot players in college and then marry a man that you are not sexually attracted to when you are older

I think it would have been a better received post if it had been presented this way and focused on "don't present yourself as a sex kitten and then play starfish in the bedroom when you put a ring on it," aspect of this discussion. That specifically is false advertisement & lying about your sexual appetite.

But just like a food appetite and palate, tastes change over the years (for both parties) and the best way to address this and avoid a dead bedroom is to have open communication with your partner. One way it shouldn't be handled is "you did this act previously, therefore must always be open to this act. Because he might expect it."

[–]aaron_the_just 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Open communication does not prevent a dead bedroom - frequent communication doesn't have much at all to do with maintaining mutual attraction.

[–]PornTrollio 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for realizing this, if you listened to the dolts in /r/sex all you need to do is talk, talk, talk and you have a magical sexually fulfilled relationship, lel.

[–]Chipped_Nails 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I guess I only have my own experience to pull from, but constantly talking about what went well in the sack, what we want to do again, do differently, what we'd rather not do; all those things made sex that much better for every relationship I've been in.

On the attraction side, how the hell is she supposed to know what her parter finds attractive if he never says, "I like that dress, I like your hair that way, you should wear X more often." ?

Communication is key! Being silent only leads to questioning actions, motives, choices and never getting any validation that any of the choices you made were the right (or wrong) choices.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You aren't seeing anything from a perspective at all. That's what we mean be female solipsism

[–]aaron_the_just 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If one person isn't attracted to the other, communication isn't going to change that.

I strongly believe that attraction/desire can't be negotiated.

[–]TempestTcup 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You are taking everything a little too literally. Relax.

[–]SirNemesis 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But just like a food appetite and palate, tastes change over the years (for both parties) and the best way to address this and avoid a dead bedroom is to have open communication with your partner.

Le sigh. Alpha fucks beta bucks.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (29 children)

if you tell him you did those things he will want them with you. and if you refuse them to him you are telling him he isnt worth all the dirty hot slut sex all those OTHER men were. why isnt this understandable? its not a question of "reform" you arent "locked in" to anything. how could you have gotten that from what i wrote.

[–]Chipped_Nails 8 points9 points  (28 children)

If you were a slut before marriage, you need to be a slut for your husband.

If you tell a man you've had lesbian experiences he will expect threesomes.

How does that not sound like locking someone into past choices made in circumstances that are different than the marriage? This is a whole new relationship compared to past ones. Just because I don't want threesomes when I'm married (who honestly wants to share their husband?) doesn't imply my sex drive will "dry up" now that I'm not doing the same things I did with past boyfriends. Can we (husband and wife) not have a mature discussion about expectations and comfort levels in the bedroom? Is my sexual appetite not allowed to change once I'm married? I'd be very uncomfortable with another woman's mouth around my husbands cock.

If you refuse them to him you are telling him he isn't worth all the dirty hot slut sex all those OTHER men were.

You can't compare past relationships like that. Just because I did something with one partner that does not entitle the next partner to that sex act. It's also not a question of his worth (clearly if I'm marrying him he's worth more than all the past relationships I didn't find worthy to marry). It's a whole new relationship with new boundaries and different expectations that should be discussed between us, not demanded of me.

[–]ITakeAllthePills 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Just because I did something with one partner that does not entitle the next partner to that sex act.

This is definitely true, of course. But if you enjoyed a more open relationship model with other people, why would you not enjoy it with your husband? It's different if your previous open relationships were not well done, or if they were not ultimately what you wanted. But assuming the open part went well, why would you close it with the supposed love of your life?

Also, it is off putting, I think, to know your partner did something with others that they are now not willing to do with you. It isn't flattering, like some may think it is: "Oh, she loves me so much she isn't willing to share me!" It is a bit of a downer, especially if they share the desire to be in an open relationship.

I would consider this: if you feel you cannot open your relationship with a potential prospect, but you still want that freedom and expression, and he also would want it knowing you were once capable of it, I would reconsider marrying him. If, however, both of you are content with the relationship staying closed and no one feels any pining for what was/could have been, by all means, keep it closed. But it can definitely cause some bitterness if he feels you are holding back.

[–]Chipped_Nails 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Just because I did something with one partner that does not entitle the next partner to that sex act.

This is definitely true, of course.

Omg. A breath of fresh air. No one else in this sub believes this.

It's the entitlement attitude I take issue with. The expectation of the sex act, the demanding of the sex, that I take issue with. I never said it was a deal breaker to perform past sex acts. I said I would be uncomfortable with sharing my husband in the scenario of a threesome.

But if you enjoyed a more open relationship model with other people, why would you not enjoy it with your husband?

If we both discussed various other sex acts and we both came to the consensus of a threesome or anal or blowjobTuesdays or whatever, then I would be ok with it. But apparently sex is not a mutual, consensual act around these parts; because from what in reading, I should be pleasing him. Period. It's hard to find mention of the man pleasing the woman in the sack other than bestowing himself in her presence (you should /want/ to want him (however he presents himself) attitude.)

The point I've been trying to drive home is every. relationship. is. different. Just because we hiked in my last relationship does not mean we HAVE TO hike in this one. Just because I ate sushi with the last guy does not mean my husband is ENTITLED to sushi date night. Within the confines of a new relationship, we have to talk about, discuss, and consensually agree upon boundaries, next steps, and the direction of the relationship.

Sure, if I enjoyed anal, I'll probably want anal in this relationship. But what if he doesn't want anal? What if he isn't great at anal? (Again with the "sex isn't mcdonalds" theory where a #4 is a #4 no matter what town you're in.) That's when communication comes into play. "Honey, try this instead." If it doesn't work and it's not doing anything for me, we just move on to something else & it's no more anal with the hubs. I'm still sexually attracted to him, I won't divorce him and leave him because he can't equal a past anal experience I had with a previous partner. That's ludicrous.

[–]ITakeAllthePills 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't really consider this a matter of what anyone is entitled to, although it may have come across that way. However, I frame it in the light that he

  1. Has a rational reason to be uncomfortable or disappointed if you don't explore something with him that you explored with someone else previously. It's not necessarily fair, but it's how human emotions work, and it should be taken into account.

  2. If you enjoyed it previously, I assume you might enjoy it again, and a problem could arise if you're holding back because of something like jealousy or insecurity. Which you might not be, of course, but if that is the case, it could cause instability.

Communication is of course, key, as taboo that is to say in RP subs. But during that communication I think it is important to empathize with the fact he might feel "jipped", or that he missed out on something, and to take that emotion into account while you're negotiating current terms.

[–]KyfhoMyoba 5 points6 points  (15 children)

Male here. We most certainly can and do compare past relationships like that. And it is NOT at all clear (to the husband, at least) that by marrying him 'he's worth more than all the past relationships'. Your 'revealed preferences' (vs stated preferences) belie that. Your marriage is a statement, that's all - a promise (that women break, what is it 70% of the time?). Your BEHAVIOR reveals what you truly want. I invite everyone here to read the post entitled 'Saving the Best' http://therationalmale.com/2013/12/03/saving-the-best/ Rollo here describes perfectly the dynamic that this post is about.

Chipped Nails: Sex feels good. People almost NEVER quit liking its pleasure. People that discover that there is a kink that they are fond of, NEVER stop liking it, absent a change in their sexual partner. I would suggest to you, that your argument that 'people change' and 'don't lock someone into past choices' are rationalizations for the fact that you/she couldn't get the hot/crazy sex guy to commit/exhibit any provisioning behaviors to her/you, and that she/you is, in fact, SETTLING when 'committing' to your/her husband, a husband that's allegedly 'worth more than all the past relationships [you] didn't find worthy to marry'. He's worthy of what? Certainly not (according to you) the kind of sex you GAVE AWAY to men you allegedly value LESS. He offers you a lifetime commitment, risking half his possessions (frivorce when she's unhaaaaapy!) and he can't have the kind of sex you clearly enjoyed with someone else allegedly less valuable than your husband? For men, sex is extremely important. We don't NEED a woman for friendship, intellectual stimulation, etc, we have other men for that. There are 2 kinds of sex: transactional and validational. We men crave the validational, but if push comes to shove, some of us will pay a hooker just for the skin contact. When a wife gives her husband less (in his mind) than what she gave a previous sex partner, it's incredibly DE-VALIDATIONAL. The fact is, despite your claims to the contrary, she/you STILL WANTS THE THREESOMES, etc., just not with the husband - he's not hawt like the old lover was, but he's 'worth more than all the past relationships you couldn't get to marry you.' Sour grapes. Do not confuse virtue with necessity. I guarantee you that you/she will still respond the same way if hubby is out of town for a couple of weeks and a guy/girl with equal or greater SMV to the old lover comes along and is down for some NSA, highly discreet fun. That someone claims to no longer be into hot/crazy/wild/uninhibited sex is clearly a lie, a rationalization to comfort your/her inability to tie down the old hawt lover. The sexual appetite is 'allowed' to change, we here at TRP know, however, that it HASN'T, merely that your partner has, and THAT'S where the changes in desire originate. If you're uncomfortable with another woman's mouth on your husband, how do you think he would feel when he finds out that you were perfectly willing to satisfy (with specific hot/crazy/uninhibited/wild activities) someone you had LESS feeling for (allegedly) than your husband? In the validational sex world, this is a demonstration that you loved your old lover more than your husband.

Also http://therationalmale.com/2011/08/25/the-desire-dynamic/

[–]TempestTcup 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Chipped is currently in a FWB situation and sex is casual as [she's] not looking for a relationship. I imagine she will be looking for one around the time she turns 30 or hits the wall, and then she will be tired of bad boys and just want a nice guy to settle for down with.

[–]Chipped_Nails 1 point2 points  (13 children)

I was told to not take it so seriously, that I was overreacting, I was taking everything too literally, but then here you come with all these blogs and evidence telling me that this is exactly what I feared it is. Men believe that once a sex act is performed for a lesser man, it is expected by my husband, since he's worth more and I have given away sex so 'cheaply' before, I should have no qualms performing it for my husband whom I love. (With no mention of a discussion or rationale or compromise or concern other than "he can expect ___ sex act from you & you need to understand that.")

I need to get this straight so that when I finally do hit the wall and I need realistic expectations of the kind if man I'll be able to marry. (I completely understand that I won't be marrying what is considered "a catch" around here because of my past; I'm ok with that, more than anything, because there doesn't seem to be much mutual trust here between couples. And I also do not want children.)

Do not confuse virtue with necessity. I guarantee you that you/she will still respond the same way if hubby is out of town for a couple of weeks and a guy/girl with equal or greater SMV to the old lover comes along and is down for some NSA, highly discreet fun

I'm sorry you think so poorly of me. I have never cheated, never wanted to, and I never intend to. I am faithful to a fault. (I don't consider threesome cheating when it is a mutually agreed upon third partner. Cheating implies being unfaithful and/or doing something your partner would not be ok with.)

But I really do have a serious issue to address: While trying to please a past lover I did some things I'm not proud of nor enjoyed nor would ever do again if I could help it (I'm not talking about threesomes). We're no longer together, so I don't understand how something I did in the past is now a menu item for my husband. Another user suggested lying and I'm not OK with that (as it seems most users here aren't). These are separate relationships with different goals and different people and different appetites. If he cared for my psychological well being (as my past lover did not), I'd hope my husband wouldn't force me to go through that again. It was terrible, degrading, humiliating, and abusive. 

[–]TempestTcup 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Another user suggested lying and I'm not OK with that

He was being sarcastic and he even stated that "My suggestion that she lie was in part to point out the intellectual dishonesty inherent to being a "reformed slut" who isn't willing to do for their husband what they were willing to do for any man or woman that came before."

We are NOT okay with lying to your spouse about anything.

[–]Chipped_Nails 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I acknowledged in my comment that the userbase here is also not ok with lying to their spouse. That's one of the points that drew me here in the first place. I've been lurking a long time, but this post struck me as something that wasn't healthy and needed to be questioned and teased apart. Growth comes from questioning (sometimes simple questions, sometimes hard questions), not from blindly following.

[–]rporion 2 points3 points  (2 children)

These are separate relationships with different goals and different people and different appetites. If he cared for my psychological well being (as my past lover did not), I'd hope my husband wouldn't force me to go through that again. It was terrible, degrading, humiliating, and abusive.

Bur here is the thing:

You valued said douchebags approval high enough to do it anyway.

How is your potential husband to know where he stands if he does not demand it also?

[–]Chipped_Nails 0 points1 point  (1 child)

There are psychological differences in healthy relationships and abusive relationships. Healthy relationships are built on trust and communication and mutual respect (I mean this to be respecting and understanding ones position in the relationship). Abusive relationships are built on fear and manipulation and degradation.

How is your potential husband to know where he stands if he does not demand it also?

Uhh, ask? Maybe have a discussion with your partner before the third wheel just shows up in the bedroom. Because it's a marital bed. It's not just his bed anymore, both partners committed to this relationship.

What if in the past she got off on stimulating her lovers prostate with anal beads? I'm positive no one wants that's thrown on (or in as the case may be) them without discussing it beforehand.

I have answered elsewhere in this thread as to the difference in demanding/expecting sex acts and a couple discussing what works for them and how to integrate those desires in the bedroom.

[–]rporion 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well, abusive is a label you pin on it retroactively.

You did what you did (whatever that was) and now you have "changed".

If you have read the side bar in the redpill reddit, you know that this is the usual pattern.

If you had this ephiphany at around 30, +- 2 years, well, you know.....

[–]KyfhoMyoba 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Sorry. I was assuming, and I think reasonably so, that the sex acts in question were not only consensual, but enjoyed. If you did NOT enjoy them, that changes EVERYTHING. Do you not see and understand the difference and why I posted the way that I did? Do you understand how enjoyed vs not enjoyed changes the ENTIRE DYNAMIC, vis a vis transactional vs validational sex?

BTW, "no mention of a discussion or rationale" - I think my entire post was a discussion and rationale, albeit from the mans POV, and it seems that you still don't get it, since you throw in the "I didn't enjoy it" here at the last minute. The enjoyment of lack thereof makes all the difference in the world. What did "he can't have the kind of sex you clearly enjoyed with someone else allegedly less valuable than your husband?" mean to you? The 'enjoyed' part? NONE of the stuff in your last paragraph means ANYTHING other than the 'nor enjoyed' part. That's what turns this from validational to transactional. The part about the people, rules, relationship being all different is COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. The only thing that matters, from the perspective of your future husband is, DID YOU LIKE IT? Because if you did (with the other guy) then, and you don't now, the only difference is the man. You're saying that you did not, so this advice doesn't apply to you, but I'm petty and shallow, so I would like you to acknowledge that my line of reasoning makes sense for the woman that DID enjoy these hypothetical acts.

Oh, and here's one more thing (that you won't like) to consider: even if you didn't enjoy, and in fact actively hated performing those acts in the past (with someone else), you clearly valued the former lover and a relationship with him enough to do some "terrible, degrading, humiliating, and abusive" things for him. Can't get around that one!

Your past decisions have consequences, and you have NO control over them. They are in the hands of someone else, and that someone is allowed to think and act however they want, just like you were.

[–]Chipped_Nails 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Do you understand how enjoyed vs not enjoyed changes the ENTIRE DYNAMIC, vis a vis transactional vs validational sex?

And that's my point entirely. There are different dynamics to sex in relationships. This is never acknowledged in this post or even considered. The OP stated that the sex act happened, therefore the man can demand it. Period.

The only thing that matters, from the perspective of your future husband is, DID YOU LIKE IT? Because if you did (with the other guy) then, and you don't now, the only difference is the man.

Again, my point entirely. The man changed and the relationship changed. A new man, a new relationship. Sex isn't like mcdonalds where no matter which one you go to, a #4 is always going to be a #4. Sex is dynamic and changes with each person and each relationship. That's why it's not fair to demand that because a sex act was performed in the past it should be expected now.

but I'm petty and shallow so I would like you to acknowledge that my line of reasoning makes sense for the woman that DID enjoy these hypothetical acts

No. See above. Sex isn't mcdonalds. I will acknowledge that if she performed these sex acts with her husband (ie in the same relationship) before marriage (threesomes being a perfect example), she has no right to cut off threesomes once a ring is involved. That is unfair to him and to the relationship. Although both parties should be open to discuss new things that can help the relationship flourish

you clearly valued the former lover and a relationship with him enough to do some "terrible, degrading, humiliating, and abusive" things for him. Can't get around that one!

No. He abused me. He degraded me and made me feel worthless. I did not value myself for a long time because of him. I thought there was no other way out of the relationship except to obey him. That is not valuing him, that's fearing him. That's not respecting him, that's feeling so worthless myself that I had no choice in the matter. That is not what a good or lasting relationship is built on.

[–]KyfhoMyoba 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Last paragraph = good answer. The rest, still wrong. The only way I can see her enjoying an act w/ previous lover vs husband is if, PERHAPS, hubby is too large for that particular orifice. Otherwise my reasoning stands. If you don't get that, I feel very sorry for you and your future husband. I still get the sense from your post that you're not seeing things and not even able to see things from the POV of the husband, something I have found to be almost universal in non-TRP women. In fact, I think that I would go so far as to say that being able to see things from the mans POV is the very essence of a RP woman. What do you think, ladies, is that a good working model?

[–]boydeer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In fact, I think that I would go so far as to say that being able to see things from the mans POV is the very essence of a RP woman. What do you think, ladies, is that a good working model?

it certainly seems to be missing from the general populace.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Do not lie, but what he doesn't know can't hurt him. If you experimented with a kink that you found not to your liking, just don't bring it up. It's in the past so keep it there. And it's probably something you're embarrassed about so I'm sure you don't go blabbing about it while searching for a husband. If it's a very specific fetish there's a high chance your future husband isn't into it for himself anyway. Avoid whatever dirty deed you don't feel comfortable but find all the other exciting ways to be kinky just for him, according to what he specifically likes (and that you find enjoyable to tolerable enough to throw some moans and groans in for his pleasure.)

If you were a slut in the past, be HIS slut now. If you have a lot of experience in the bedroom give him the benefits of being with an experienced women, which usually does means a more diverse sexual menu. Some men prefer experience to virginity. You can't change your past so at least try to give him any benefits of it that you can.

[–]rporion 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Do not lie, but what he doesn't know can't hurt him.

No?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don't ask don't tell...if he really wants to know about your entire sexual history then be honest with him. But if he doesn't ask then he doesn't want to know as he knows the info wouldn't do him any good. If he doesn't ask respect his preference for ignorance. Most guys can't help but form mental images in their mind so the know better than to feed their imagination by asking.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Only thing that could hurt him would be a STD... That history needs to be totally upfront and clear!

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (8 children)

ok, dont listen to me then. im sure you know best

nothing you said had anything to do with how MEN feel or think. only what YOU want to be true. lol you think A MAN will think "im worth MORE to her than all those guys she had hot dirty porno sex with!!! thats why she wont do it with me!! lucky lucky me!!!" lol

i know how much modern women hate to believe there are consequences for their behavior, but thems the brakes

[–]Chipped_Nails 9 points10 points  (7 children)

You really must not put any stock in men besides "he wants to fuck sluts all day and have hot dirty porno sex!!! That's all men ever want--sex!!!1! it's the only thing that matters in this marriage!!!!"

Apparently I'm wrong in the understanding that men are supposed to be the rational, logical ones, not the ones driven by emotion and jealousy (which is the response you're describing above in previous comments. He is whining that he's entitled to all the sex acts I've previously performed. That is childish jealousy and not becoming of any man.)

What I said was that this marriage is a new relationship. With a new relationship comes new expectations and new guidelines. Why is it so hard to comprehend that my sexual appetite (& his!) might change and I want to discuss that with my husband before he assumes (and claims right to, apparently) that he can do anything a past boyfriend did just because it was done before. Again: just because I did something with one partner that does not entitle the next partner to that sex act.

There's a lot more to a marriage than past sex acts. He (hopefully) didn't marry me for my past sex acts. And people's tastes change. Maybe your husband wants more blowjobs the older he gets? Maybe you'd rather be done doggie-style as the years go on. It's all cool when you can talk about it openly and neither side is demanding anything of each other. Demanding without prior discussion only leads to resentment. A warm bedroom where sexual appetite, needs, and preferences can be discussed is going to lead to more fulfilling and gratifying sex, keeping both sides happy and open to exploring new sexual limits.

I never said I wouldn't take responsibility for past actions, nor did I say I didn't want the consequences of my behavior (and don't try to say that once I performed a sexual act I must now perform it for every subsequent partner. That's not consequences, that's guilt-tripping and manipulating someone based off their sexual history). Consequences are getting std screens, possibly pregnancy tests, and talking (if the people around me have nothing better to talk about). Repeating the same sex acts are not consequences.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (6 children)

who are you arguing with? you dont have to agree with me. think whatever you want

try asking some MEN what the think.

go ask at TRP

[–]Chipped_Nails 7 points8 points  (5 children)

I'm arguing with your assertion that once I had a threesome with a past partner, my husband is now entitled to threesomes. Was that hard to follow?

MEN (according to TRP) shouldn't want to be married in the first place. There are very very few RP men that are married over there to give advice in this sort of situation.

[–]rporion 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Entitled?

Nooooooooo....

Feeling like her save fallback option?

Yeeeeesssss....

Sorry, you no can do with man you supposedly love what you could do with men who "meant nothing to you..."

Well, do you have a sister?

Dont worry, she will mean nothing to me, I just want the "I mean nothing to her sex" I most likely wont get from you.

Forget that shit, you did it with some random douchebag (bad enough) you do it with me or you get out of Dodge.

[–]Chipped_Nails 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Well, do you have a sister? Dont worry, she will mean nothing to me, I just want the "I mean nothing to her sex" I most likely wont get from you.

Thanks for the rational, mature, intelligent response.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I didn't say that. I said he would FEEL entitled to one

You are overreacting because you feel guilty

[–]Chipped_Nails 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Alright. Apparently I misread the entire OP.

My bad.

Carry on.

[–]darklogic420 4 points5 points  (2 children)

It's called lying. You lie to him. You tell him you had no such thing in the past. If you tell him that your past was wild and sexual, but you are reformed now, then you are telling him that you're settling for him now that you've hit the wall.

If you really want that all to stay in your past, then lie. Lie like your marriage depends on it, because if all you're giving him is the leftovers of other men then your marriage does in fact depend on you lying to him.

[–]MrsStrom 13 points14 points  (1 child)

I can't condone lying. Especially not to your husband. We can't, as RPW, endorse dishonesty or a frigid marital bed. If you did it for some random asshole, you better be willing to do it for your husband. It is cruel to give yourself freely to a stranger but not to the man to promised to love for the rest of your life.

[–]darklogic420 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My suggestion that she lie was in part to point out the intellectual dishonesty inherent to being a "reformed slut" who isn't willing to do for their husband what they were willing to do for any man or woman that came before. That massive a shift means she is inherently lying eithe rto herself, her husband, or both.

[–]AerobusTRP MOD 4 points5 points  (5 children)

If you were a slut before marriage, you need to be a slut for your husband.

Feminists get very, very angry at this notion.

[–]fishytaquitos 0 points1 point  (4 children)

What definition of slut are you using here? Because as far as u know slut means promiscuous. You can't be promiscuous with one person.

[–]myhairsreddit 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Please, correct me if I am wrong. But, I believe she means a slut in the terms of being bent over a couch in broad day light and taking it up the ass while being called derogatory terms shouldn't be shocking or demeaning after marriage if it wasn't beforehand.

[–]fishytaquitos 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Then I don't understand why she thinks feminists would be angry at that. Sex positive feminism endorses that attitude.

[–]myhairsreddit -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Some feminist hear a little dirty talk or roughness is going on in the bedroom and just want to yell abuse, even if the woman wants it. They say the woman is blinded by the abuse, it's silly really. Not all feminist think this way, of course. But there are plenty that do.

[–]fishytaquitos 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's some sound logic there... /s

[–]a_killa_kitty 1 point2 points  (1 child)

If a man lived that wild of a life before should the wife expect to be able to do the same with him? If a man had a 3some mmf does the wife have the right to request the same? Just curious on how to counter the reverse.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

lol what man would refuse it?

men and women arent the same, the madonna-whore aspect of human relations only flows in one direction. theres no tit-for-tat. a man with a sexually wild past doesnt try to pretend to be all prissy and wholesome to impress a wife. this is just fantasy equalism

[–]LadyLumen 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Reminds me of a friend I know who started out her relationship with this guy as an "open relationship." For some strange reason, she was surprised that a year into the relationship he didn't honor her wish to switch to monogamy. If you start out with an open relationship, don't expect to trick someone into monogamy somehow.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (9 children)

Do women actually do that? Do crazy Shit but then decide not to with the guy they marry? And if so what kind of insane logic is it? What's the reasoning?

[–]TempestTcup 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Alpha fux beta bux. They have their fun with all the studs in college, but are unable to hold onto them for more than sex, so when they are finally ready to settle down with a nice guy, they have great sex with their husband until they become pregnant (the entire reason for settling down) and then the sex mysteriously dries up until she is ready to get pregnant again.

After the second pregnancy she still stays with him but he is so boring and his sex is so NICE and he caters to her and she isn't attracted like she was with the studs who did her in the butt. Sometimes she moves the kids into the marital bed so that she has an excuse to not have sex. Finally, once the youngest is weaned and potty trained, she either starts up an affair or Eat Pray Loves the husband with a nice frivorce and collects cash and prizes.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

well fuck!

[–]boydeer 9 points10 points  (0 children)

i think they view it as past tense partying and being wild, and now they have something "mature" and "real"

i haven't experienced this firsthand, but i had a fwb who wanted to date me, and she would pinch other guys' nipples and whatnot (how silly and nonsexual!) in front of me. she didn't want to act on it, at the very least because she had a lot of trauma and i was the only person she ever had a wholly positive sexual experience. but it of course still set a certain tone.

it was surprising how difficult it was to get the point across that if you want to convince someone to date you, you should probably not act like a weird slut in right in front of them.

[–]m_sobol 3 points4 points  (5 children)

I see it as a nuclear shit test, coming from a disturbed person with delusional expectations of love and relationships.

The only way to win is not to play their games.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children)

For the life of me I can't see sense in it. I mean isn't being married and having a guy you trust just about the best time to explore stuff with him? It makes me wonder of their whole intention with the early crazy days as if they where purely doing it for attention and not really enjoying themselves if they just want to stop once they're married because if they really enjoyed it it would only increase with there husbands surely?

[–]m_sobol 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Some people behave in ways that seem stupid, senseless, or untrue to themselves.

Why can't some of these women be especially trusting and welcome to their husbands? Why does wedding cake turn some women frigid? Why deny their husband and themselves a fruitful and loving sex life? Who knows.

To me, this is another symptom of how dearly wrong things have become.

[–]swift-heart 0 points1 point  (2 children)

i think there's some 'slut guilt', they may have wanted to have fun in their youth and are trying to overcompensate by acting frigid with a more serious partner.

but also they may have not enjoyed their threesomes and whatnot? i don't think there's anything wrong with a woman realizing what her sexual boundaries are. some fantasies are better left as fantasies tbh.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Again, I cant understand it. The thought of denying my husband something I done with an ex feels like such a betrayal, almost like cheating.

[–]KyfhoMyoba 4 points5 points  (0 children)

And that's EXACTLY how he'd look at it - cheating.

[–]LaraH101 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Good point.

[–]TVTestPattern 1 point2 points  (10 children)

To be fair he's going to want threesomes if you don't tell him about your lesbian experiences as well.

Because men.

This should surprise nobody.

Ever hear guys talk about their "spank bank"? Did you think they were kidding or whatever? It's like that old comedy routine, (forget who). That woman we saw at the store is going to be showing up in male fantasyland at some point, and it goes something like this:

"Hello and welcome to my fantasy young lady. Glad you could be here and I know you will enjoy yourself. So are you bisexual by chance? Not really? Well... you are now."

danabanana9 is spot on as usual. "you set the tone with YOUR sexual continence or profligacy." If that includes me banging other women I am more than happy to accommodate your wishes in this matter.

Duh...

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (9 children)

To be fair he's going to want threesomes if you don't tell him about your lesbian experiences as well.

Because men.

well yeh lol of course

i will tell you though, as an old woman of vast experience, in the "old days" young men fantasized about threesomes, they didnt DEMAND or expect them from the girls they said "i love you" to. i have no doubt men who were good with women always found ways to make a threesome happen, but even in american psycho, he does it with hookers and fuckbuddies, he leaves his "wife material" girlfriend out of it

[–]TVTestPattern -1 points0 points  (8 children)

As an older guy I can also confirm this. However, I would be lying if I said I dislike this development as a guy.

I for one, accept and celebrate our new threesome-oriented overlords.

Probably not the best strategy if you're female... but if you're looking to me to protest this development, get a book... you're gonna be here for a long while.

I suppose this is what happens when 80% of women are chasing 20% of men. You ladies are so competitive with each other... a little brutal really.

And highly relevant to my interests.

Would I accept s flat ban on threesomes and such in a relationship?

For the right woman I would...

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (7 children)

Yep, female sexual liberation leads in a straight line to male dominated polygamy for alpha males. I have no doubt we've learned these lessons a million times before

[–]TVTestPattern 3 points4 points  (6 children)

Agreed.

Full disclosure: While I would/have happily participated in these kinds of arrangements... I wouldn't marry those women.

But hey, nobody consulted me when setting this system up. I got dropped into this pressure cooker same as everyone else.

Somebody has to do it... these chicks ain't gonna screw themselves...

Oh right... nevermind.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[deleted]

    [–]TVTestPattern 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    Yes they do...

    It's a dichotomy for me of course. On one hand I really like women... personally, socially, sexually... and I don't need much encouragement to do things with them... or rather, to them actually.

    On the other hand I genuinely do like women and hate to see so many sell themselves short like this.

    Don't get me started on the fate most men are left to... as a direct result of this so called "liberation" though. Poor fuckers...

    Then again, I can't really change my programming anymore than young women (or anyone else) can, so I take what I want and have access to like everybody does, and try not to be too big a jerk about it.

    TLDR: Quit being sluts ladies. (But it would be great if ya'll could do that after I die please)

    [–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

    ok, we get it

    you can tone down the tvtestpattern show now.

    [–]TVTestPattern 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    lol... yes mam.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    thats quite a little personality youve got there

    [–]TVTestPattern 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I like you too...

    [–][deleted]  (4 children)

    [removed]

    [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (2 children)

    did you have any actual argument to make besides strings of personal insutls? because i dont see you making any

    no one said "men are shit" you read that into it because of YOUR biases. men are men. women are women. shit has nothing to do with it

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [removed]

      [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      who the fuck asked you. go away

      [–]TempestTcup 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

      All I heard there was "waaaaaaa waaaaaaaa waaaaaa"

      Winners take the bull by the horns and direct the world to suit them; they don't sit around and whine about the woman's subreddit.

      [–]ITakeAllthePills 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      This seems really obvious to me. If you start out as a couple who can handle open relationships, who enjoys reaping the benefits together and widening your sexual horizons, why on earth would you close it after marriage (unless you have kids and need to do so for practical time reasons, open relationships take up a lot of time). Don't open your relationship just to lure in guys with your sexual adventurousness, do it because you genuinely enjoy it. Be sluts together.

      [–]a_killa_kitty -2 points-1 points  (3 children)

      Ewww. Dont discuss your past with someone who is husband material. This post makes me cringe for women in these situations.

      [–]wonderfulmeg 5 points6 points  (2 children)

      I get what you mean, but I think that if you're not okay with discussing your past with someone who is "husband material", then you're probably not going to end up with a healthy relationship.

      [–]a_killa_kitty -1 points0 points  (1 child)

      A women shouldnt kiss and tell. Mystery needs to be kept when it comes to this subject. Op's post obviously is extreme and I dont believe to be typical. Atleast I hope not. Nothing good can come out of sharing past loves. My capt doesnt want to hear about me being with any other men and I dont want to hear about his wild spring break week in Mexico. Its the past and useless info.

      [–]KyfhoMyoba 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Nothing ever dies on the internet. Better hope there isn't any evidence of your sexual past there, if that past is markedly 'better' than what you're doing now.