"What is a BIG thing your SO does that may be hurting your relationship?" AskWomen gather to complain about their men (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by [deleted]


I was browsing the AskWomen sub today and found this post.

I know it won't be a surprise for ladies here, but...this was a HUGE eye-opener for me because I hadn't witnessed it yet in real-time with trp goggles on. I wasn't aware of how much women put down their boyfriends/husbands until I saw this thread. It's hit me like a rock.

I felt sad. Angry. Resentful. Bitter. Not because I hate these women, but because I used to be these women. Every single one of them was me. Reading this post is like looking at how I used to act and think in my previous relationships. It's a mirror of my past, and it disgusts me. I can now see why my relationships failed. I can now see that I didn't choose good men. I can now see that I was a self-centred, hypergamous, emotional feminist who believed I was entitled to absolutely everything a man could offer while I didn't take proper care of myself.

Now I feel more determined to change than ever before. I never, EVER want to fall back into such a blind mindset.

I will be rid of that selfish girl I used to be.

I will become a better girlfriend every day. I will smile and bring warmth to those around me. I will care for those around me. I will continue to exercise every day. I will nourish my body with what's healthy for me. I will learn to control my emotions and reactions. I will show my boyfriend the utmost respect and allow him to be my captain. I will think before I speak. I will LOVE and show KINDNESS to him and everyone around me. I will let my captain LEAD.

I will become the best that I can be and NEVER look back at the girl I used to be. She is gone. She will have no part in my life anymore.

Thank you to everyone here for inspiring me to become a better woman. Let's work hard to improve ourselves and bring our men, families, and friends happiness.

///////For discussion: I feel so incredibly fortunate to have ever come across the red pill theory, let alone this sub. I only wish that this could reach the masses of lost women out there, the women who don't see what's actually happening...is there any hope? Do any of you try to reach out to your female friends with trp theories? Do you give your honest relationship advice to them? If so, does it usually lead to a deaf ear?

[–][deleted]  (4 children)


[–]TheStatic 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Not a red piller here,

what should she have done?

[–][deleted]  (2 children)


    [–]TheStatic 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    I am a guy btw,

    I didn't catch the part about having two partners until now. I am interested in the redpill philosophy now, I'll have to take a deeper look into it.

    [–]squishles 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    The pregnant one completely not understanding those guys not being attracted to someone pregnant with what might not be their kid is a bit wtf. Ya know fundamental biological imperative ect.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    There's a thorough lack of understanding and sympathy from all those users. Did you see how many of them complained about dead bedrooms? Guess what, a lot of things go into maintaining attraction, and it doesn't sound like any of them are happy and respectful towards their SO's. I laughed at these women, they are so completely deluded. The depth of misunderstanding and ignorance is appalling.

    [–]squishles 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I wrote it off as pitiable. They almost half get it, if you look at the vote spread the lack of sex is what's at the top, followed by he's depressed. The general helping boyfriend/husband stuff out complaining was much less popular. They have the priorities right at least.

    The preexisting condition ones are refreshingly rare, only spotted the pot one, sucks he didn't get stoner girl. =/

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    It's interesting to see how many of them actually have an idea of what might be going on, such as "I think it might be because I gained weight" then it goes to "but that can't possibly be it, he loves me for who I am". Sad because the solutions are actually quite so.ple in hindsight and not only improve your relationship but your overall quality of life.

    [–]hannahcyanide 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I've given relationship advice before but it lands on deaf ears. Some people who don't know me or my SO very well dismiss it on occasion, 'you and [SO name] are different! MY relationship concerns are XYZ, you couldn't possibly get it'.

    Then again, thinking back - I do know a fair amount of girls who would rather beat their boyfriends than admit that they contributed to the amount of unhappiness in their relationship/lives.

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)


    [–][deleted]  (1 child)


      [–][deleted]  (17 children)


      [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (9 children)

      So if you're being the best first mate you can be, but your partner is doing something that harms the relationship, and you've suggested different ways to go about this, or suggested he try things differently, but he refuses; what is the more red-pill solution?

      Without knowing exactly what behavior(s) you consider "damaging" the answer will vary. The whole point is to marry/build a relationship with a good man. That means someone you respect, trust, look up to, get along with. If you are against smoking, you're going to have a bad time if you try to date a smoker. If saving money is really important to you - then dating someone that enjoys gambling will probably make you anxious depending on their habits.

      Why is it anti-red-pill to rant anonymously about it?

      Because it's disrespectful and rude. How hurt would you be if you saw your SO ranting about you online? Even if it's anonymous, it's still hurtful. If you don't respect and value your SO, then you shouldn't be with them. If you are constantly having to swallow pent up feelings of unhappiness and resentment - then something is seriously wrong with your relationship. My SO doesn't have any 'annoying' habits, there's nothing I would change about him. I don't feel resentful towards him, he doesn't have any 'ticks' that make me want to scream. I have never felt a need (or desire) to complain about him - either anonymously online or to friends.

      And what is the appropriate solution?

      Again, that depends on what the 'issue' is, and what you've tried to do to fix/improve things.

      [–][deleted]  (8 children)


        [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children)

        But people change. What if you marry someone that isn't a smoker, and then when you're 35 he picks up smoking?

        Well, if you make certain things clear to your SO from the start, then they won't be surprised when you're ready to leave. My SO and I both have deal-breakers (cheating, smoking, kids).

        Do you have a specific example in mind, or are you just trying to nit-pick?

        [–]FleetingWishEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        But people change. What if you marry someone that isn't a smoker, and then when you're 35 he picks up smoking?

        Missed the troll, but this always gets under my skin. I know my SO, the likelihood of him picking up smoking is about as likely as him deciding to put his hair in pigtails, and start skipping rope. It's just not going to happen, people don't change that much. Now, could it happen? I suppose anything could happen with enough brain injuries. But, then what happens is I lose respect for him, because you can't respect a man in pigtails, and once respect is lost, the relationship is pretty much over.

        I don't know how all these feminists end up in relationships where they have no idea what their boyfriend might do from one day to the next.

        [–][deleted]  (5 children)


          [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

          I'm not implying that I have a problem (If I did have a specific issue in my relationship, I would not post it under my common internet name) - I'm just trying to get an idea of how to deal with things that may come up in the future.

          Don't worry about things that may pop up, focus on building a solid foundation. How do you handle other normal issues? Do you doubt your SO? Has he ever irritated you? If there are questions in your mind, you have to be honest about that. I have no reservations or doubts about Occam.

          Marriage is a gamble for men, and I'm glad you understand the risks.

          I still find it very alarming that you don't seem to understand how complaining (even anonymously) is a bad and damaging habit.

          [–][deleted]  (3 children)


            [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

            Well you have given no alternative way to get negative feelings out.

            1. I see no reason why there would be any negative feelings at all.

            2. If something is bothering you, then you talk to your SO/Husband. Respectfully, calmly, logically. Ranting doesn't resolve issues. You should always be honest with your SO/Husband. You have to make sure that you can articulate things logically, and give valid reasons for why the end result is "I feel bothered."

            But if there are negative feelings THERE, why just let them fester?

            There should never be any 'festering' - refer to 1 and 2 above.

            [–]eatplaycrushEndorsed Contributor 3 points4 points  (1 child)

            Phantom, as always I agree with you.

            you have given no alternative way to get negative feelings out.

            This is really childish mentality. You as your own person need to find healthy, consrructive, and productive ways to omit negative feelings and no one needs to tell you ways to do it. There's millions of ways: working out, arts and crafts, playing with your animals, taking a bath, going for a walk, writing down your feelings, etc. You should have transparent communication with your SO so that if there is a feeling that is festering you can easily discuss the emotion, the cause, and you better have a solution or be ready for him to give a solution that works for the family unit. Speaking negatively about your spouse, which is your family, looks poorly on your character and shows how loyal you really are not.

            [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

            Thanks eatplaycrush. I warned her, but I probably shouldn't be too surprised. When you have to explain the same thing three times and they still don't get it...

            [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (6 children)

            Ideally you'd choose the right man and a captain that you respect to begin with. I believe if things truly aren't working, you'd go find a better man for yourself. If you have kids, however, that complicates things.

            Also note that its anti-red-pill when the women are delusional about the problem (in this threas the majority of the women don't see how they are at fault/refuse to believe they might be contributing to the issue)

            [–][deleted]  (5 children)


              [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

              Even if you choose the right man, no one is perfect and it's an insult to expect a man to be so constantly.

              I don't expect Occam to be perfect at all times, but he does demand a lot of himself. He has high standards that he strives to live up to. He is driven and motivated, that's not likely to change.

              A relationship might last, what, 60 years? What if you choose the right man now but in 10, 20, 30 years he starts doing something bad for the relationship?

              Again, what is this supposed man doing that's damaging the relationship? Eating a candy bar once a week is far different from suddenly pushing for kids when you both previously agreed to be child-free.

              At some point it becomes outlandish to expect to find another guy, not to mention that putting the man in a "shape up or I'll find someone better" situation seems very un-redpill to me.

              Abandoning someone at the drop of the hat isn't the goal. We also warn users that ultimatums are pointless, and should only be used if you are truly willing to walk away. Why do you think we nag our SO's/husbands? Why do you have this idea that we walk around telling our Captain's what to do, as though they can't decide for themselves? We don't micromanage them, and they don't micromanage us. You don't seem to understand how RP dynamics in a relationship work.

              And what if he IS in the process of transforming into that "right man" (maybe he decided your suggestions were good)

              My SO respects my input, and always listens to me. After I state my case/reasoning - he decides if he's going to listen, follow a different course of action, or simply close the subject.

              why is it wrong to rant anonymously in the mean time?

              It's disrespectful, and it creates a bad habit. Words become mentality and practice. If you engage in petty bickering, then you're more likely to bicker offline, or to a friend. Soon your attitude sours, or things that started out as minor get blown way out of proportion. We believe in dealing with problems/concerns/issues head on - not sneaking about and complaining like entitled brats.

              [–][deleted]  (3 children)


                [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

                The users in the link are not RPW, they don't work within a RP framework.

                But I hope you don't make as many assumptions while talking to your husband, as you are doing with me right now.

                1. You asked questions, and I asked some in return. Your phrasing implies that complaining anonymously isn't bad, you seem to be looking for trouble and issues.

                2. I am not married, Occam is not my husband (you make assumptions as well it seems)

                3. Drop the snark immediately.

                [–][deleted]  (1 child)


                  [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                  But I hope you don't make as many assumptions while talking to your husband, as you are doing with me right now.

                  Uh-huh, you weren't talking about my relationship at all.

                  [–]buttholette 0 points1 point  (2 children)

                  |"Do any of you try to reach out to your female friends with trp theories? Do you give your honest relationship advice to them? If so, does it usually lead to a deaf ear?"

                  Yes, I try to talk about red pill concepts with other women, without labeling it as such. Things like telling them what has worked for me (and my husband), what I have learned about men/women natural attraction concepts, and here and there I offer suggestions if they ask for them.

                  Yes, this stuff usually falls on deaf ears. It's like I'm speaking Japanese to them. They sort of stare at me and nod a little. I can only hope that those little seeds I tried to plant may one day get their chance to grow.

                  [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

                  I've gotten mostly negative reactions, so I haven't bothered lately. But now I'm thinking its better for people to see the results rather than listen to me blabber my mouth off about it. One of my friends says "I've changed in a good way", as in I seem nicer and friendlier overall.

                  [–]buttholette 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  Agree. When I say how much my marriage has changed they might ask "how?" That's when they may actually listen to the concepts. But unfortunately usually not even then. Just like losing weight or other difficult things... they make excuses and blame others. ("Oh, well my husband would NEVER step up and be a good leader..." or "I can't trust him to be in charge of the finances..." etc)

                  So sad :(

                  I agree though, just trying to be the best example is the real way to get others to want to learn it.

                  [–]DianaDewAsmr 0 points1 point  (4 children)

                  on a side note does sex really drop living together like the ladies say? Or is it possible to keep a happy standard throughout the years?

                  [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                  It won't drop off if you and your SO make it a priority. Remember that those women have very different expectations and standards. You can see it in how they don't think twice about complaining. Several of those women complained about cleaning and other tasks we talk about regularly. If you build a relationship with a good man and create a stable dynamic, you should be just fine. And if something does crop up, this community will be waiting to listen and help.

                  [–]HappySnowGirl 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                  Married 10 years and the sex is hotter than ever. :)

                  [–]squishles 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  There's general hormone drops ect, but doesn't have to; kinda sucks they've let it get to or put it into that state. Be attractive, don't be unattractive. There's the obvious physical end, but it has as much to do with personality. If you're only a tad horny, don't want to put up with initiating with someone who's had a history of rejecting and/or being bitchy.

                  Going off your asmr videos, you probably don't have to worry about that end as much. You've actually found a way to make rambling about inane how was your day bullshit attractive; that's a skill.

                  One of my do I try to ltr this girl things is would I want to fuck a granny version of her too, so their's that, I don't think I'm unique in taking that into consideration. Although the granny estimation generally leans toward some graceful aging.

                  [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  With healthy couples I hear it actually gets better the longer they're with one another. They get to know each other's bodies really well etc.but these couples know the importance of it and have long, happy relationships with the dynamics this sub frequently discusses. Its nice to see.

                  [–]shelikedamango 0 points1 point  (2 children)

                  I don't really understand what you suggest women do in cases where they have issue with a SO?

                  I'm genuinely curious because the vibe I've been getting is 'if there is a problem, you keep your emotions to yourself because no man wants that - you smile and keep bury your feelings because you should be grateful for him, and if you don't love everything he does you're a selfish wife who doesn't really love her husband'

                  It sounds like men/husbands/SOs can do no wrong here, and if you're in a relationship with someone (and you're the woman) you accept any crap they throw your way because that's your 'role'?

                  I really hope I'm wrong here, and If I'm coming across as rude I apologise, but I don't understand. Could someone explain?

                  [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

                  not saying that at all. no one is perfect.

                  but why not talk to your SO directly rather than talk behind his back online to strangers? that's just rude. think about how you would feel if he did that

                  [–]shelikedamango 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                  But i've also seen this sub telling women to 'let it go' 'stop complaining/bitching' about things their husband does because they should be grateful, so? What do they do if they can't vent to other people or talk to him about it without being bitchy?