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DISCUSSIONDeclining Sex -When, why, or Never? (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by radioactivities9

Sex! It should be the most enjoyable obligation a couple experiences together, yet should not feel as an obligation. Let's have fun discussing the possibility of making sex never feel like a chore! I want to believe there is some hope in this dark world.

Some questions to stir discussion:

What are non-manipulative reasons to decline sexual invitations from your partner? Aside from health concerns. Do you ever reject sex? How does this work out for you, does it cause problems in your relationship or just smooth out naturally?

Is it important with you and your partner to balance initiating sex acts? Or do you/he have no problem always initiating? (I think that would be rare)

Theoretically, I think it's possible to never reject a sexual invitation and to know that your man would likely never reject yours. But how many years in a relationship can you have sex every time you see each other for? Has anybody had sex (ie. orgasm inducing activities) everyday (or more) with a live in partner for more than a year?


[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

[–]radioactivities9[S] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

I like that 'I will prob try again in 30', it's got masculine charm.

How long were you with your ex for that you had sex every day/multiple times? Did you live together?

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 38 points39 points  (5 children)

In my (not so) humble opinion, no man or woman should ever reject a bid for sex, affection or any other form of intimacy, ever, for any reason. It's precisely this type of rejection that builds hurt and resentment that can cause permanent damage to the foundation of the relationship. I'd wager to say that this is a major cause of many divorces.

But but but - you may be saying - but how can you always be up for sex, affection, closeness and intimacy? What if I'm not feeling well? What if I'm just utterly exhausted? What if I just need space?

Ah, yes. You're right but you're incorrect. Sure, you may not be able to always have sex when your husband needs it, just like he won't always be able to listen when you need to talk. We're human beings with limited energy. So what am I saying? I'm saying to never ever reject sex, affection, intimacy, closeness. If your husband (or wife) makes a bid, don't ever reject it. If you can't engage fully at the moment, delay don't reject.

Kicking backwards when he comes in to spoon you, sighing heavily when she comes to talk to you or anything of that nature is rejecting your spouses bid for sex, intimacy, closeness, connection or whatever else. Never reject. EVER!!!

Instead, say something along these lines. Sweetie, I really want to listen to what you have to say but my head is still racing from work, can I have some quiet space? I'd love to listen to you once my head clears. Then listen 100%

Or, you're one sexy guy and it feels so good to be desired by you! (Wink wink). I'd really love to jump your bones right this second but my stomach is really twisting like a pretzel. Hopefully it'll be settled tomorrow and we'll get right back to business. Then get back to business asap!

When you do this, your partner will never feel turned down. They'll never have that terrible feeling that comes as a result of being rejected by the one person who's supposed to love you like no one else. Your marriage will be so much better as a result.

(Needless to say, if you're always delaying, it will be taken as a rejection. Use sparingly and only when absolutely necessary).

[–]RedDetergent 17 points18 points  (4 children)

This!! I agree 100%. With my ex, everytime I tried to talk to him (about anything), he sighed and said: "what is it...?", and then turned his back to me looking at his phone. This was one of the worst feelings...I actually stopped talking to him all togheter. Only talked about him (because he liked that), and always had to stop myself and keep things inside my head. And that's very very hard for me, because I get really enthusiastic about stuff.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor -1 points0 points  (3 children)

He probably felt obligated to listen on demand whenever you wanted to talk, but that's unsustainable. Had there been an explicit understanding between you two, that he can delay being spoken to until he's ready, things would have been a lot different.

[–]RedDetergent 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I often asked him if it was ok for me to talk if he were doing anything, if he said he was busy I didn't bother him. Most often he answered that I did not have to ask and that I of course could talk. And then he would turn his back to me.

I know I could have done things differently, but he was not a very nice man in general. He started abusing drugs (I didn't know about this), changed his personality and became very abusive and aggressive.

But this has nothing to do with the original post. :)

[–]radioactivities9[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

But this has nothing to do with the original post. :)

This is a woman's sub, we can go wherever the thread takes us.

[–]RedDetergent 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh haha! That's nice to know :D At another forum I am posting in you get banned if you post somethime off topic

[–]Katiescarlett5 8 points9 points  (15 children)

When I was a young and very naive bride I assured my husband I would never tell him no about sex, but that I was trusting him to be considerate of me and my needs. Now, over eleven years later, we've both held our ends of that deal quite well. It's been an easy deal for me because I have a high sex drive, and also because I am married to a thoughtful and considerate man who isn't going to push me when he knows I am sick or extra tired. (Although orgasms seem to help headaches, ladies, but that's another subject for another time!)

Because we use NFP for BC, there are several days a month that we have to refrain from PIV sex, but that is something we both understand and mutually agree on, and he knows that he can ask for something else to tide him over if need be.

[–]radioactivities9[S] 9 points10 points  (3 children)

That sounds like a fulfilling sex life. I also want to use the natural method for birth control, I think it's underrated. Not being on hormonal birth control is possibly part of why you maintained a high sex drive. Do you agree with that?

[–]Katiescarlett5 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Absolutely! I was on the pill for about 5 months when I was a teenager, and never plan to go back. Personally I think there are a lot of benefits of staying away from hormonal BC.

[–]deathbypurple 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes. All of the birth controls have serious side effects, but they get downplayed. Starting from whacked up hormones, through clots and liver problems, or IUD's getting stuck inside and what not. There is a company which tampered with the clot testing for their BC pills so that they don't show an increased incidence of clots for that particular bc... and now they just pay a lot of money just so that it's still sold after the women taking it developed blood clots and complained :D Similar pill has been banned in France and other countries due to women dying of clots.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I also use NFP and I can assure you 100% that ovulation each month amps up your sex drive. I have never been on HBC but I can't imagine ever having much of a libido while on it- my libido is very low when I'm not ovulating (including pregnancy and breastfeeding)

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (3 children)

I was on HBC for ten years almost and when I stopped taking it to get pregnant I felt better, just in general. I told my husband I didn't want to go back on it after the baby was born and I haven't, we've started using NFP. It's nice to have my body operating on its own rhythms.

Although orgasms seem to help headaches, ladies, but that's another subject for another time!

I read somewhere that it's been scientifically proven to restore headaches and other pains. I forget why, I could look it up but I'm lazy.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was on HBC for ten years almost and when I stopped taking it to get pregnant I felt better, just in general. I told my husband I didn't want to go back on it after the baby was born and I haven't, we've started using NFP. It's nice to have my body operating on its own rhythms.

This is why I got my tubes tied at 40.

[–]Katiescarlett5 1 point2 points  (1 child)

It's nice to have my body operating on its own rhythms.

Learning about and being so in tune with my body has been one of my favorite "side effects" of NFP! I feel like I can read myself so well, if that makes sense. Quitting the pill was definitely one of my best decisions ever.

I read somewhere that it's been scientifically proven to restore headaches and other pains. I forget why, I could look it up but I'm lazy.

I believe you are correct...certainly in my experience. If nothing else it serves as a great distraction, amiright?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes that makes sense, I know exactly what you mean.

In regards to declining sex, I've found that even if I say yes when I don't want to, I get into it a few minutes later and the greatest the frequency, the greater my desire for it.

[–]teammeli 0 points1 point  (6 children)

can someone point me somewhere to learn more about NFP? i have been on the pill for about 10 years and i really want to get off HBC but afraid of getting pregnant. we don't want kids for another 3 or so years.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

There is a temperature way of reading your fertility, look into the lady comp. It's a high tech way to track your ovulation. There's also fertile focus, a microscope that you put your saliva on to help you track. You need to figure out which way you what to keep track. I learned from my midwife, I would suggest talking to one (mine does internet consults for tons of stuff, menopause, family planning, herbal remedies - PM me if you want her info) or maybe a DO (like an MD but more homeopathic). Typically MD's won't advocate for NFP, at least in my experience.

[–]teammeli 0 points1 point  (3 children)

great, thanks! it sounds like a lot of work and personal responsibility to not get pregnant, that's my only qualm. taking the pill takes the guesswork out of everything. effortlessly not getting pregnant.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

NFP is recommended only for couples in a committed relationship and for women who have the forethought to commit to tracking their cycles everyday. It's not for single girls and it's not for girls who forget to take the pill every morning. You will get pregnant if you don't commit of do it correctly.

[–]teammeli 0 points1 point  (1 child)

thanks for your input. i downloaded a few fertility apps just to get more in sync with my body and see if it's something i'd like to try.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I use pink pad! I used it when I was trying to get pregnant and I use it now.

[–]ragnarockette4 Stars 13 points14 points  (1 child)

I never reject sex, but if I'm really not in the mood for whatever reason I will put on big sweatpants and a face mask. He has yet to find this alluring enough to proposition me.

[–]AlphaWeaboo -1 points0 points  (0 children)

ugh, i do not condone you sharing this trick.

[–]radioactivities9[S] 10 points11 points  (6 children)

Check out this amusing excerpt from Psych. Today 'The 4 Hidden Reasons Some Men Don't Want Sex':

  1. His inner world outvotes the caveman. A reticent, kind, male patient who struggled with low libido finally opened up about three aspects of his libido: One part was an awkward teenager who felt anxious about initiating. A second part was a 20-something, feminist male who thought sex was degrading for women. The third aspect—a caveman—was horny and hungry for sex. He said that the first two characters always outvoted the blatant needs of the third and so he remained silent with his wife about his desire. She listened in awe as her usually quiet husband revealed his complexity, later asking if just once she might have sex with his caveman.

I'd never be able to reject his caveman approach.

That bizarre complex has lots of red pill truth in it. A man ashamed that his sexual polarity is degrading to women comes from Madonna/Whore-styled-Feminism.

The anxiousness about initiating is one reason it's important to not be rejecting of sex or any bids for physical intimacy. Male or female we all have that 'scared teenager' in us somewhere. But for men I think it must be more tied to self-esteem, so extra important to not act rejecting.

Sometimes we can be rejecting even when saying yes to sex acts (ie. starfish or lack of enthusiasm). I wonder how women with low libidos deal with such things?

[–]teaandtalk4 Stars 15 points16 points  (4 children)

A man ashamed that his sexual polarity is degrading to women comes from Madonna/Whore-styled-Feminism.

To be clear the Madonna/Whore dichotomy has been around for a very, very long time, before feminism existed - men who couldn't believe that their virtuous society wives would actually ENJOY sex and would see prostitutes for that purpose.

[–]AlphaWeaboo 1 point2 points  (3 children)

I wish it was that simple, the madonna/whore dichotomy is way more complicated than what you girls can even fathom, because even while knowing girls like it rough or degradating a guy can still suffer from this complex.

I sufered from said complex with a former ltr and a fwb, being the ltr the madona and the fwb the whore.

The former fwb was a bff with said ltr, long story short i had amazing sex with the fwb since i wouldn't hesitate to hatefuck her, with the gf i would at most spank her and pull her hair.Eventually she confronted me, and was really open about her wanting to do certain acts. That really hurt, because even knowing thats what she wanted, even though she was a really cool girl who i genuinely loved, even though she was really shy so i knew for her to be open about what she wanted was really hard, i simply couldn't do it.

I actually found myself going through 3 stages, the first one was because of feminism saying shit like girls not liking porn like sex, wich is fucking bullshit, the second one was realising that yeah while some may like that type, certain girls are way too much of a good girl to like it, i simply couldn't fathom doing those things to a oneitis and being able to look at here the same way after such experience. The third stage, is while being aware that awalt in the sense that all want it rough or degradating, some more, some less, but all to a lesser extent, not being able to do it with your girl. The reason being is that when your girl is nice to you, she triggers the inner beta of a guy, and he wants to make sweet love to her, this is GENUINE, its not conditioning or anything like that. When a girl is bitchy, or pushes my buttons she triggers my alpha side, which makes it easy for me to objectify and dehumanize her, this is something the fwb, she knew the more she annoyed me, the harder i would fuck her.

Its quite ironic thats why on a certain level i can sympathize with those girls who gave the great sex to the asshole and gave shitty one to their betabucks.

[–]LifeHasLag 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I believe a reason why women are inclined toward bitchiness to their men is to incite that primal response. Makes me think of farm animals; I've seen females get upset with a stud and proceed to hump or dominate him a bit, which in turn provoked him to get on her.

About porn-like sex though, it may just be me who finds too much of it is over the top and uninteresting. It's hard to find a simple clip of a man plainly thrusting away from behind and enjoying himself. A man who takes control and causes a little pain is hot.

[–]AlphaWeaboo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"I believe a reason why women are inclined toward bitchiness to their men is to incite that primal response."

This, 100 times this, they wanna awake the beast.

[–]lazysnakes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow this is so interesting. Thank you for sharing your experience. This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately.

It seems to me that a lot of the block originates in the idea that 'degradation' is bad... whereas... if both partners enjoy it, then the notion of 'bad' disappears... surely?

For a man to be able to give a woman what she wants in that sense while still being able to respect her afterwards...is what I think most/all women are looking for deep down. And to do that, I guess a man needs to really own his shit and be comfortable with the fact that he has these desires within him (and that she has that in her). To be the perfect alpha, providing dominance, control and protection.

And ... it struck me just how the madonna/whore thing is a projection of the male desire to, as you say, make sweet love to the nice girl .... whereas a lot of nice girls want to be banged hard, but feel like they're not supposed to want that and they are supposed to want that tender love-making instead. Which is confusing. At least, that was my experience :p

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's pretty interesting. I feel like I'm always having sex with my caveman, haha.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (2 children)

So far I've never rejected him for sex. He's usually more tired than me because of his work, so I'm always the one that is overjoyed when he wants a blowjob. Yes, sometimes he's too tired for a blowjob. We only have sex 1-2x a week and I give him blowjobs 3-5x a week. I prefer it this way (less sex, more blowjobs).

The only time I have declined sex in the past was with ex-boyfriend's during my period (I loathe period sex and I cannot understand why my ex boyfriends pushed to have sex during that time) or when I was significantly unattacted to them. That's when I also know there's a problem...when I don't want sex not because I'm tired, but because I'm not attracted anymore. It caused serious problems in the past relationships and that's when I realized I needed to genuinely respect a man who is going to be a future husband. The attraction stopped when the respect wasn't there anymore.

[–]YoungYogiMama 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I didn't know there were any women that prefer blowjobs to sex! Really? Why?? (I don't mean this in mean way at all, just genuinely curious! Teach me to love them!)

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We both like that it's an act of dominance/submission. The way he does it also arouses me a lot - he's actually controlling the blowjob. He also doesn't have a whole lot of ejaculation (it's the liquidy kind not the gooey kind) and he tastes pretty good (for sperm haha). I feel safe when I'm blowing him because I don't feel like I have to perform (since he's controlling everything).

It's a very special act to the both of us.

[–]Willow-girl 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Has anybody had sex (ie. orgasm inducing activities) everyday (or more) with a live in partner for more than a year and survived?

FTFY

[–]radioactivities9[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

LOL Talk about picking the hill we wanna die on! It's a very sexy hill.

[–]Willow-girl 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think the man and I went 30 days or so in the beginning. Toward the end, I was looking pretty haggard, so much so that one of my clients expressed concern over the state of my health. I couldn't help it; I started laughing. She knew I was in a new relationship, connected the dots and then she started laughing, too.

[–]teaandtalk4 Stars 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What are non-manipulative reasons to decline sexual invitations from your partner? Aside from health concerns.

If you're too tired and need sleep (I've declined for this reason more than once) - and he understands, because I get VERY grumpy if I don't get enough sleep. Aside from that, I don't often decline at all.

Do you ever reject sex? How does this work out for you, does it cause problems in your relationship or just smooth out naturally?

Very occasionally, mostly due to an above reason. For me, sex makes me feel better/more loved when I'm feeling horrible, so there's no reason to avoid it, and I'm careful not to: rejecting sex feels like rejecting my partner.

Is it important with you and your partner to balance initiating sex acts? Or do you/he have no problem always initiating? (I think that would be rare)

A bit of balance is important. At times, we've both fallen into the trap of initiating more often and then feeling less-than-desired.

But how many years in a relationship can you have sex every time you see each other for?

No clue on that one. We've always been more like 3-4 times a week people (except when we're on holidays, then our average goes way up!).

EDIT: And no, I don't feel like sex is a chore. If you think it is, you're doing it wrong.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I very rarely reject him, only if he had too much to drink and I'm completely sober, then I really don't feel like it. But that's happened like two times or something.

To be honest, I would like it if he'd initiate a bit more ofter. He's always up for it, but doesn't in any way want to force me (he's a gentleman like that) so I think it's about 3:1 times that I initiate. But you know, that's just a minor thing, I don't really mind.

[–]Cardiscappa 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Questions:

  • How do you deal with periods and sex? (Specifically using tampons or cups.)
  • What if anal is something he likes? How do you stay clean and 'clear' so to speak?

[–]radioactivities9[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Wonderful questions.

There's no reason to feel self-conscious about period sex. It's unlikley a man would care, but women have to lead with that and bring it up. Best time to bring it up is right during that time of the month.

No need to use a tampon with sex (in fact, you shouldn't, it's uncomfortable and not good for you) Maybe during oral. You don't have to ask, just say 'I'm taking my tampon/cup out' and see. Nothing wrong with having a straight-up convo, but you only need to if he doesn't give you any feedback (ie. feedback being he says he doesn't mind period sex acts/proceeds with sex)

As for anal, it matters what your comfortability is. There will be mess unless you have an enema and food fast (I know nothing of that). Men know what bumholes are for so, again, don't feel self-conscious. Since he has expressed desire for anal, it's likely he's waiting to see if you're bothered by it and willing to do it regardless (I guarantee he will be happy to do this with you, mess and all!). Just go to the shower afterwards. It's not going to be a disgusting mess, but if you've had recent bowel movements or unhealthy ones it will not be pleasureable.

Did that answer your questions? Let me know. I don't know what you're experience is with and mean no offense by running through the basics.

edit: Anal sex is definitely best reserved for a man you love and deserves that level of intimacy with you. So hope you've got a good man and aren't needlessly aiming to please -- I assumed the former scenario :)

[–]Cardiscappa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I use a cup and sometimes I need a small crew to get it out + lots of time, which isn't really conducive to spontaneous sexy time. My oral skills need work, so I guess bjs will be on special a few days of each month.

Anal sex is definitely best reserved for a man you love and deserves that level of intimacy with you.

Yes, I'm an anal virgin. He's into trying it (I think he's a butt virgin too) and the dirtiness of it squicks me out. He put a finger up there once and after he said he needed to wash his hands (which, of course,) but I was utterly mortified. I have a healthy diet and I'm in shape, so things run smoothly when I'm by myself, but stress, especially "I need to be clean stress" throws a massive wrench in my digestion system. I'm very prim and proper when it comes to cleanliness and robotic with emotions, so I'm really fearful of him seeing me dirty and emotional. (Fantasies with him and anal always have me crying in the end.)

[–]YoungYogiMama 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My boyfriend and i have been together for 7.5 years (living together 5.5) and have sex probably 5-6 days week on average, not including the 4 days a month we can't bang. The only reason i ever turn him down is if i'm feeling really sick or just painfully exhausted. We have a 17 month old daughter and both work early mornings and work out a lot, so he understands it even if he's disappointed. Sometimes he's even the one thats too tired! He will occasionally get bitchy about it for a minute but then falls asleep and is totally over it by the morning lol. We have sex in the daytime whenever we can, but usually have to wait till nighttime once our daughter is finally asleep.

I think one thing i wouldn't appreciate is if every single day of my period he pressured me to give him a 20 minute blow job. I usually give him 1-2 and i'm sure he'd be thrilled with more but he never pushes it and then always returns the favor a few days later. He also sometimes gives me a good massage after a bj haha. (Just one of the many reasons he's a keeper.)

In the first few years of our relationship we were on each other like rabits and often banged twice a day - but we had no daughter and college schedules so that made it easier. I honestly had to turn him down sometimes cause it was just too painful to keep having sex. If thats the case, i don't care what promises you made your man - tell him hell no!!

[–]Igotsfeelingstho 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have a high sex drive, but my husband has an extremely high sex drive. For me sex 1-2 times a day is a good rate but for him it's like 3-5 ( I work from home so it's very easy for us to have an active sex life). I never reject my husband but he understands that it's hard for my body to handle sex at his ideal rate so he is mindful of that, and after an especially hard pounding he will give me time to recover lol.

And if I'm just too tired and don't have the energy, he is ok with going at it as I rest. It's actually relaxing and helps me sleep, and then when I wake up I'm happy to return the favor ;)

[–]radioactivities9[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Huffington Post blogger Brittany Gibbons shared her story of having sex every single day for an entire year on her blog, where she expressed a boost in confidence, excitement for life and overall happiness. At first, Gibbons’ commitment to sex each day changed her normal routine, and she felt like it could be adding another unnecessary stress in her life. But once she and her partner started hitting the sheets, everything started to change

Read more: http://elitedaily.com/news/world/sex-every-day-healthier-happier-more-creative/988697/

Ladies of RPW, make the at least once a day goal! Hard if you don't live together tho. So could be a future aspiration.

[–]azngirl7689 0 points1 point  (3 children)

I get occasional bad vaginismus. When the pussy isn't having it, sex isn't happening. He doesn't like banging a woman who is wincing from pain, as he shouldn't. So I tell him when the vaj isn't having it and he doesn't bother.

[–]teaandtalk4 Stars 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I hope you do something else though?

[–]azngirl7689 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Yeah, we fool around a bit. Nothing below the waist on me though. It sucks but it's getting better. The days are less frequent where it's just not happening.

[–]teaandtalk4 Stars 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm glad it's getting better for you, I hope things are more pleasant soon!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As a man I get tired having to do all the work. It is very rare for a women to initiate. Eventually I assume she wasnt interested...bed death...breakup.

Free advice, don't just say you want sex, start it. Hope this helps.

[–]TheBunk_TB 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Say no to unfocused sex. Stop thinking about worries and random shit. Think about sex and associated things.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think rejecting your man for sex is only acceptable if you are unable to due to illness, or are in an incredibly bad mood after a crisis situation. I think it's important to make your partner feel loved and desired at almost all costs, especially because you are the only one who can satisfy their desires. I would say that being 'too tired' is not an excuse to withhold sex, I experience extreme fatigue most days but still muster up the effort to give my man a long backrub at the end of the day. I think this mindset should be applied to sex too. I believe that it is easy to get into a pattern of denying sex when you start making excuses to withhold it. Saying that you are 'too tired' to have sex at the end of a day can easily turn into a daily occurrence because of laziness. Dwindling sex is a relationship-destroyer, especially when men are being the ones rejected. No one is in the mood all the time, but making your partner feel good when he wants it is very important.