RELATIONSHIPSWhere are all the good men? (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor

This question and questions similar to it are asked by many people all the time. I remember hearing this question since as far back as I can remember. Hopefully, some clues to where all the good men are hiding will emerge by the time we reach the end of this post.

Please note - this post is intended for self reflection purposes for those seeking a new relationship as well as for those already in one.

The premise needed to ask the question

Every question in the world is based on a premise that needs no explanation. It's the foundation upon which a building is built. A question, it's answer, the subsequent questions and answers and discussion that ensue are all layers of brick on the building. The unspoken premise is akin to the unseen foundation.

What's the premise behind the question in the header for this post? There are several.

  • I deserve a relationship.
  • I deserve it with a good man.
  • All the men I've met so far don't qualify.
  • I tried, I looked, but can't find a good man.
  • Finding a good man is possible.
  • Finding a good man is very important to me.

Therefore I ask - where are all the good men? This is a genuine question coming from person who's truly puzzled by her failure to find a good man, even if it comes in a whiny manner (which many people hate listening to).

Challenging the premise

The premise needs to be challenged in order to solve this mystery because leaving it as is seems to result in the same result, challenging the premise is the next best bet. Sure, some people never had to challenge the premise in order to find a good man because they just happened to marry their high-school sweetheart. Lucky them. That doesn't help you though so it's a moot point. (I'd bet that they'd be forced to challenge elements of the premise post marriage. Most people do. The more of this you can figure out pre-marriage, the better, IMO).

Let's take them on one by one. (Of course, not every element here needs to be challenged by every person and there are certainly other elements which aren't mentioned here. This is merely a small sampling.)

  • I deserve a relationship.

Based on what?

The word deserve connotes having earned something. Based on what merit do you deserve a relationship? Sure, you want, desire and crave a relationship, but do you deserve it? Why do you deserve it?

This is a question that people in a relationship need to ask themselves from time to time. Am I deserving of my partners continuous commitment or are they still with me because they made a vow?

  • I deserve it with a good man.

Again, based on what?

"Good man" usually means "a man who brings goodness to my life". What goodness do you have to offer to his life to be deserving of this level of goodness added to your life?

  • All the men I met so far don't qualify.

This either means you haven't met enough men or, please read the next premise challenge.

  • I tried, I looked, but can't find a good man.

Okay, this is a big one. When a person says something like this, they ought to find a room covered in mirrors from all sides. They ought to stare into those mirrors and think long and hard. When you try to turn away because you can't look at yourself any longer, you're met by another mirror. When you look up or down, you see another mirror. Okay, that's a little exaggerated, but you get the point.

When a person finds fault with everyone, it's usually because that very fault is within themselves!

Good men and women are literally everywhere. You cross paths with them many times every day, at the grocery store, the bank, the street and anywhere else you go. You simply need to have realistic expectations.

It's often tossed around about a 5 on the looks scale who only wants a 9. Why would the 9 want them back? Of course this is an oversimplification because looks aren't everything in building the relationship edifice called home, but the concept is true nonetheless. It isn't realistic to expect your partner to excel at [fill in desired trait here] if you are poor or mediocre at it.

Sometimes, the surplus in one is a perfect match for the deficit of another. A talkative person may be perfectly balanced with a quiet person. A high strung person may be grounded by a calm one etc. However, in all these cases 1) There's nothing inherently negative about either side of the ying-yang. 2) The deficit itself can be a surplus of a different kind and therefore grounding as a counterbalance 3) There may be other areas where the ying-yang is reversed.

It works well as a balance when both sides of the balance are good for the relationship. It causes issues when one side of the coin is excellence and the other side is mediocrity.

  • Finding a good man is possible.

Absolutely it is! I won't challenge this premise at all. Finding a good life partner is achievable if your expectations are reasonable and you're looking in the right places.

  • Finding a good man is very important to me.

Absolutely it is, that's why you're looking. Now you just need to make "having reasonable expectations" just as important and you'll be on the road to finding the man of your dreams. What do you know? He may even be your next door neighbor, or better yet, you may already be married to him!


[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (9 children)

I also wanted to add to your wonderful post that sometimes, a "beta" actually has a lot/some of alpha traits and more often than not, it is enough to have a great and happy relationship.

A great way to respect a man you consider lower than you in value is to get a good long look at yourself. Sometimes people have the reflex to put themselves on a higher pedestal when they belong in 3rd or even 4th place.

When choosing a partner, it's good to have humility. There's no need to put yourself lower than where you stand but don't inflate your ego to unrealistic heights. The perfect man can really be way closer than you think.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 6 points7 points  (5 children)

I think it's a mistake to think of alpha and beta as good and bad. Being alpha has good and bad elements to it and so does being beta.

The question is whether the good of this person outweighs the bad. The question also is whether I even need these good qualities in a mate and whether those bad qualities are bad for me. Not everything that's good for my friend is good for me and not everything that bothers them will bother me.

You're right. Humility is extremely important but it's just as important not to be too hard on yourself. You have to know your own value and not inflate or deflate it.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (4 children)

I think a lot of women get the alpha-good beta-bad thing from TRP where alpha is glorified. However, our sexual strategies are different, so of course our taken on alpha/beta will be too!

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 4 points5 points  (3 children)


When all you want and care about is sex, your whole strategy will revolve solely around sex. In that case, alpha is good for sex and beta is bad. But when you want a LTR, it's more complex than that. You need a mixture of the two for a long term sustainable relationship.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (2 children)

I have mentally half written a post about this, but my precious infant son won't take his ****ing nap so I haven't written it down yet. :-D

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I can relate... I'm sorry :(

[–]testmypatience 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The alpha beta concepts for both men and women really aren't talked about very realistically very often. I've seen it done for men only in one place. Everywhere else does it poorly that I've seen.

One big issue is that alpha is often seen as very simplified things such as bad boy or boss. The better definition is one that more is about leading vs commanding. I wrote a post about this before because confidence often has the same issue with misunderstandings.

Women can be be alpha women and should be, but that doesn't mean they should be the female version of bad boy or boss. Beta women are super annoying just like beta men are. If someone wants to build out a document on this, I would be open to talking about it. Otherwise I'll just post randomly when I'm bored like I do now.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (2 children)

sometimes, a "beta" actually has a lot/some of alpha traits and more often than not, it is enough to have a great and happy relationship.

Also known as a "greater beta"! If my darling baby ever takes a nap today, I plan on writing a post about the different kinds of men, including the greater betas!

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Can't wait to read it :)

[–]Xtinamina 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can't wait to read it as well!

[–]JackGetsItEndorsed Contributor 11 points12 points  (0 children)

A women constantly throwing herself at Tinder Romeo's, and Fuckboys or even obsessing over her married boss is no better then a boy masturbating to porn all day.

[–]CleburnCO 5 points6 points  (1 child)

There is a lot of hard truth in that post. Sometimes, I think men learn early that not everyone gets to be an astronaut and adjust accordingly. There are a lot of young people these days that don't comprehend that they need to adjust their expectations or make serious changes to themselves. Men figure this out, often after rejection or infidelity. It's the gateway to TRP. The thing is....after TRP, they often have long memories and zero interest in American women beyond sex. Some very interesting stats have come out from various dating sites, showing physically fit and attractive American men, are largely searching for Asian, Latina, and European women when they want a LTR. The men focused on American women are often overweight and effeminate. There is a sad reality in that.

[–]verdantsound 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Would you be able to link those statistics? I would like to read up on it.

[–]pewpsprinkler 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The good men are in the same place where the vast majority of good women are: in relationships already.

I deserve

People deserve nothing, and are entitled to nothing. The dating world is a fierce and brutal cutthroat competition, and the losers are people who (1) fail to put in the effort to raise their own value high enough to attract their desired quality of mate, and/or (2) fail to put in the effort to roll those dice enough times by getting out and meeting potential partners.

I've had female friends who were nice people with good personalities and they had something to offer... but they were not in shape (maybe they were at one time, but got lazy) and they let their value slip, but their expectations of what kind of man they wanted didn't slip. Failure and frustration predictably followed. If there is one thing I've learned from having female friends is that they sometimes react emotionally/irrationally to failure more than a man would. I could tell a man "get your fat ass to the gym" and he would be cool about it. If I say it to a woman, she would vent all her self-loathing, hatred, and frustration at me, then break down crying. She might end up saying some ridiculous bullshit like "I'll go to the gym, but only for ME, not to get a man!" Yeah, okay, whatever. The nice thing about RPW is that they have adopted a much more clear-headed, rational approach to life.

[–]ElKod 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I always laugh inside when normal/average people say "I like this gorgeous person based just on looks, I'm sorry I'm shallow and won't settle" because I wanna answer "It's ok, they're probably more than you so you don't have a shot"

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I always laugh inside

If it's someone I care about, I won't keep my thoughts inside.

[–]mabeol 1 point2 points  (1 child)

However, in all these cases 1) There's nothing inherently negative about either side of the ying-yang. 2) The deficit itself can be a surplus of a different kind and therefore grounding as a counterbalance 3) There may be other areas where the ying-yang is reversed.

This is brilliant. Great post.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Very good post!

[–][deleted]  (3 children)


[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

While you make some good points in your comment, it leaves me wondering whether you read the actual post or you're just responding to the header.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Indeed, a lot guys when I was younger only wanted to marry the Playboy centerfold model. This reminds me of my father who told me that I needed to marry a woman with more than looks. Yes, she is attractive, but can she cook and will she be a good mother for my grand-kids he would ask me.