Bad case of Oneitis (self.asktrp)

submitted by Spartan5326

Guys I honestly can’t get over my ex, we were together a bit over 2 years. The relationship was awful at times, but we had more great times. She was the first person I ever really felt close with, and it was consistently the best sex I’ve ever had. She was a very nurturing girlfriend with a really good heart. And we went through a lot together. We broke up in April and at first I was happy, I was tired of the constant arguing and felt like I needed to close that chapter in my life. I applied the no contact rule and that was that. In June, she began texting me and I began replying. She made it seem as if she really missed me, without saying that she wanted me back, I shut that shit down and told her not to text me because we both needed to move on. I felt like I was almost at the point of having moved on. In August I broke, and I texted her asking how she was doing. She told me she was doing “better than ever” and this time around she shut me down and asked me not to contact her. I told her “ok” and haven’t talked to her since. However, I still think about her all the time and miss her and it’s been half a year now, I know this can’t be healthy. Last week out of the blue she sent me a friend request on Facebook and I accepted (dumb I know). I crept on her profile and looked at all the pictures she’s posted. It appears everything in her life has gotten better since the breakup, she looks better, she’s working her dream job (she was getting interviewed for it when we broke up), she bought a new car, and she’s made a lot of new friends, most of them guys, guys she works with, guys who tag her in shit and comment on her pictures a lot. My life may appear a bit better too, I’ve been a lot more disciplined at the gym and also did my first steroid cycle so I’ve gained some noticeable muscle mass, I got a good raise and make an extra 5k a year and I do go out on weekends with my friends. However I’m not happy, I feel like a little beta bitch, I can’t stop thinking about her and missing her. I’ve fucked 3 girls since we broke up, 2 from tinder and 1 that I went to hs with that I ran into while bar hopping. But honestly none of those did anything for me besides a quick nut. Please help, I don’t want to feel this way, I feel pathetic. Going to the gym, going out with my friends, fucking another girl, it’s all great and gets my mind off of her, but it’s all temporary relief, because when I’m bored or just have a moment laying in bed, one way or another I start thinking about her. When we first got together, she was fresh off a breakup and after hearing her relationship history, I kind of figured she was one of those girls that needs to be with somebody and can’t stay single, so I’m pretty sure she’s been fucked and dated a few guys since we broke up. I want to stop caring about her, but part of me still wants her back. Please help. Also, her birthday is this week and I’m wondering if this has anything to do with her adding me on fb out of the blue.

[–]Endorsed ContributorMetalgear222 137 points138 points  (4 children)

can’t remember where I saved this from but I think it’s the ultimate reminder when it comes to oneitis;

There is an infinite amount of women in this world, more than you will ever be able to meet in a single lifetime. Most of them are great girls and would be perfect as long time partner if that is your aim. That one girl is not special; that was only you mind-fucking you. You are in love with the illusion of her and not her per Se. You are addicted to that image of her you created while mentally masturbating in your romantic fantasies. Those times you imagined her with you on a beach in a romantic setting is what caused your mind all this addiction, that is not her, she is probably not like that. She is not perfect or even close to perfection. You will meet someone better or at least equal to her, just keep going. It sucks a lot. I know it! But fuck, this is one of those hard, amazing lessons of life. Nothing last forever, cherish the time you have, don’t waste it replaying memories or imagining scenarios that probably would never happen. She is 100% not thinking of you right now. Take a look at yourself, smile, give yourself a pat on the pack. You survived this and now you have grown a bit.

[–]Spartan5326[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Thank you man. This is great.

[–]YoCookie 14 points15 points  (0 children)

And this is why TRP is the best brotherhood on the internet. Thanks brother.

[–]Kabuki431 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I just copy pasted this on my desktop. Gonna read it every now and then to remind myself not to fall back into the BP mindset.

[–]319Skew 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I like this. Thanks.

[–]319Skew 28 points29 points  (5 children)

I feel for you. My longest relationship was with my (now) ex wife for a third of my life and we have a kid together. I'm sure that if you read the posts there are a lot of parallels with other guys. The main difference between your story and mine is that I have a kid with this woman and so I am forced to interact with her. This is compounded by the fact that my son (2 years old) is aware that we are not together and hates when we are apart. He constantly tries to get me to stay longer at my ex's place when I visit and it breaks my heart to hear him crying because he wishes his daddy was around.

This has caused me to have a lot anger towards her decision and lack of awareness over it or indifference. I get to see my son sad that we don't have a family while knowing that she's moved on to some new dick. And trying to stomach her attempt at covering that fact.

Your pain is not unique. Look around you: We all loved someone and woke up to a harsh reality when it ended. Change hurts. It's uncomfortable and it's necessary. It's how we grow.

The reason why Oneitus is so bad is that it forces us to get stuck on an imagination and stuck in the past. It cripples our ability to move forward.

Whenever I miss her (there are times where I do), I think on the reason why I left. I recognize that while I loved her, she was detrimental for my health and the well being of our family. That has not changed. I think about how much she hurt me and I think about how I have an entire life to live.

Take comfort in the following harsh truths. There's nothing about you that makes you special to her. Your turn is over. She's moved on either emotionally, physically, or both and being stuck on the possibility of this person is only harming you.

You should never want to go back. It's hard because you remember the good but it's true. There's nothing for you there. She's never going to realize what she has lost or had. She's never going to appreciate you and what you brought to the table.

Delete all aspects of her life from you. Ignore her messages. Move forward and stop comparing yourself to her. Delete social media for awhile and continue to focus on yourself. You now live in a world without her. This is your life.

Enjoy every minute of it as if it's your last.

[–]prankster999 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh wow... Those are solid words.

[–]erthian[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Some people genuinely do make your life better. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and move on.

[–]Endorsed ContributorAuvergnat 19 points20 points  (2 children)

Guys, my wound is not healing. I hurt myself in April and applied the "no-touching-it" rule and that was that. In June I began scratching it. In August, I stuck my finger into it. Last week I stuck some knives into it (dumb I know). I don't understand why it's not healing, please help!

[–]Spartan5326[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You have a point here.

[–]wobbleelbbow 1 point2 points  (0 children)


[–]Endorsed Contributorvandaalen 7 points8 points  (1 child)

[–]bigkids 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Proper reads for oneitis and neediness.

[–]DaleyCenter 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Son, you have a raging case of blue pill oneitis, but all hope is not yet lost...you just have to see her for what she really is: a no good cum-dumpster, as you admit yourself, she isn’t the type of girl that’s gonna be joining a convent and avoiding the cock carousel.

Ask yourself this: after she ghosted you what possible reason could she have to send you a FB friend request? The Only Plausible Answer: to hurt you, to inflict pain, she knew it’d kill you to see all of her new guy friends and make your hamster fall off the wheel staying up late at night trying to guess which ones she’s already fucked.

But she’s also trying to get validation that you’re a beta-pussy and still have feelings for her. She still needs you to do one more thing to confirm her suspicions and that’s to wish her a happy birthday. Do not do that, what you should do is unfriend her immediately and relegate her to the dustbin of your personal history.

Kid, she’s probably banged at least 5 or 6 other dudes and has a swarm of new beta orbiters jockeying for a shot at her pussy as evidenced by all of her new limp dick male FB friends.

Do you really wanna hold out for sloppy 5ths or 6ths? If you do, you’re hopeless.

[–]Spartan5326[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Haha, nice man, I like this. I will delete her off of fb, I’m just waiting till a week or so after her birthday, I figured it would look even weaker if I deleted her now, just 1 week after adding her. I don’t want to give her the validation of thinking I can’t bare to see her posts about her upcoming birthday party.

[–]DaleyCenter 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Good for you, Spartan...and that means a lot coming from a Hoosier (at least for undergrad many years ago, hahaha).

Nice tactical touch on the timing, hadn’t thought of that. There’s hope for you after all!

[–]Spartan5326[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha thanks man. Go green

[–]Morpheus_TNTB 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Isn't it just like a mindless dog nosin' around the trash for something rotten to eat? You need to stay out the fucking trash bro!

[–]1walawalawa 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The guys have said it below, i'll just add one personal insight...this "Oneitis" is something you've been conditioned to experience through the Feminist Imperative that indoctrinates you to think of "the one" and pedestalize women.

If you don't: you're a misogynist, chauvinist...etc. etc. shamed and put down.

When I adopted the Red Pill I began to realize these "feelings" for any one girl are really wishful thinking. I pull back and look at things as they are.

Hypergamy--a woman's biological need to "trade up" is a driving factor. As long as you keep your value high and the mystery around yourself up you'll remain the "prize".

I now have to stop myself the minute I get an obsessive thought about any one woman....I now think---"What does she WANT from me?" That helps to put the situation into perspective and calms me down.

There are tons of posts on "Oneitis" here but at its core is a lack of self-discipline and self-assurance that you can do better. You can.

[–]volk8998_ 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It happens to many a young man. And the solution could be quite simple. Try this: When the longing hits you, when you yearn for her and think how perfect she is (yet you know she ain't) - at that moment do yourself a favour - and realise the fact that your special little girl is banging Mr. Chad H. Thundercock at that very moment. She ridin' on that dick like there's no tomorrow. And you - you are long forgotten. You are distant past.

That alone, should be enough to keep you going and keep you improving. So you can become that Chad H. Thundercock who comforts young thots with his dick.

[–]Taco_Truck_Aficionad 3 points4 points  (0 children)

She was the first person I ever really felt close with

And it won't be your last.

[–]dobbekz 2 points3 points  (4 children)

How old were you guys when you started dating? Were you each others first sexually or each others first relationship? This might play a role in her reaching out again.

[–]Spartan5326[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

I was 22 and she was 23. I had fucked a lot of girls but she was my first serious relationship, I was not her first relationship but I know I was her most serious.

[–]downvotesanimals 8 points9 points  (1 child)

You're too young not to feel a bit of oneitis here and there. This will pass with age. Keep improving yourself, keep gaming amd fucking, focus ond school/career.

In time you'll wonder how you ever managed to have oneitis for this girl in the first place. In time.

[–]Spartan5326[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you brother

[–]dobbekz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Since she's a year older do you think she maybe doesn't take you seriously?

[–]IFuckingHateAllergy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The one thing I always did after the break up is remind myself constantly as to why I broke up with her in the first place. That always kicks me back to reality.

The problem with your situation is you weren't really very detailed with why you two broke up besides constant fights and arguments. The fact that she added you on Facebook means two things. One she is over you and doesn't mind being your friend. In which case you'll have no option but to move on because she has. The second, which is probably more likely is that she probably misses you as well but has too much pride to tell you.

> I kind of figured she was one of those girls that needs to be with somebody and can’t stay single, so I’m pretty sure she’s been fucked and dated a few guys since we broke up. I want to stop caring about her, but part of me still wants her back.

You're overthinking this so much. Stop thinking about things you have no way of knowing. That shit doesn't help.

At the end of the day, you should always know that there will always be the next. so stop fantasizing.

[–]bucSlayer 2 points3 points  (1 child)

This is normal man. I get oneits when a focus too much on one girl. Yeah you fucked 3 women after the break up, but are you fucking them constantly? You need at least 2 plates that you can fuck whenever you want. And block this bitch on everything and don’t talk to her ever again.

[–]Spartan5326[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wise words brother thank you

[–]goblinboglin 2 points3 points  (3 children)

my man if you did your steroid cycle and i guess you are probably on pct now or cruising that might be causing you to be so emotional about it

nevertheless, just remember there are infinite number of fuckable girls and bigger part of them are good for ltr

[–]Spartan5326[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Wow, I didn’t even think of that. I’m currently on week 2 of pct, my estrogen levels are probably super high. Thanks for the wise words bro

[–]goblinboglin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

no problem bro, i always keep in my mind that i should not react that much to emotions or make decisions that are tied to emotions while on harsh cycles or in pct ;D

[–]wiffofass -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It's definitely that. Especially if you are taking clomid. It's known to make people emotional

[–]TRP VanguardWhisper 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Title: "Bad Case of Oneitis"

Text: "A bunch of shit Whisper didn't read 'cause it's irrelevant."


Go fuck at least ten other women and see if you still think she's special.

[–]ThickSoild2802485 1 point2 points  (1 child)

"She was the first person I ever really felt close with". First time experiences are usually what leads to oneitis. Whether it's a first time ons, ltr, you lost your virginity - or in your case; "feeling close to somebody". Think for a second, what does this mean? You invested way too much into a girl and now you've caught false notions that this person is good for you, when in reality she is cancer. There are many other girls out there who are just as hot, will give you great sex and treat you with far more respect. Cut the cancer out of your life. Erase her - DO NOT CONTACT. She's not special - just another whore. Just because you invested 2 years in a person it doesn't make her any more special.

PS I take steroids too, good on you for jumping on the train - it will change your life forever.

[–]Spartan5326[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you brother. Me and my gear are moving forward and not looking back lol

[–]flapjacksrbetter 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Why are u doing roids why not natural

[–]Rhalium 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Down voting because it's just one big ass paragraph you did not break it up into smaller pieces.

[–]Spartan5326[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nice dude.

[–]Ronaldo-CR7- 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Okay aside from this girl how many other girls have you fucked?

[–]Spartan5326[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I fucked a lot of girls before her and I’ve fucked 3 girls since we broke up, but those were mainly like we fucked once or twice, not plates or relationships. She was the first girl I ever consistently had sex with.

[–]BurnieSlander 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I honestly can’t get over my ex...

As long as you keep telling yourself this, it will remain true. Re-program your shit.

[–]FlourishingSurvivor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She began texting you to check if she can manipulate you, and if you are dependant on her. Do you need another human in your life to make you whole person? Than you will be in search of motherly or fatherly figure constantly.

[–]tenXten 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had a similar situation. This helped me: https://www.trp.red/p/mattyanon/260

[–]wobbleelbbow -1 points0 points  (0 children)

So it seems you live for her, not for you. You know what you need to do just that you are too pussy to DO it.