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How to stop my housemate from making jokes about me that i don’t like around our group of friends (self.asktrp)

submitted by usernameallread

Background:

Me and my housemate are close, but wont be if he doesn’t change his behavior towards me. He seems to have lost respect and would always shut me down and make mockery jokes (tease intensively) around our group of friends. So ill be the person with a straight face while others are laughing at a joke aimed at me.

For example we’d be having a conversation and he’d throw something like. Oh we’re all human after all, except of (me) and everyone in the group laughs.

I don’t mind shit tests and what not but how do i stop this dude from disrespecting me around people


[–]lietruth 96 points97 points  (11 children)

Choose not to be harmed—and you won't feel harmed" — Marcus Aurelius

You are acting like a victim. Why are you concerned with this boy's respect? You cannot force people to respect you, you become a respectable man by doing respectable things and acting in a respectable way. And a component of that is having rock solid frame.

There are people in life who try to get under your skin. It's your decision to let them. Laugh it off with them. Stop taking it all so seriously, live and if other people want to have some fun, then you have two choices. Be butthurt. Or don't be butthurt. Both are your choice. Agree and amplify man. If you are really concerned about this, it exposes a chink in your armor. You still put the ego above everything else. And in that respect you have a long way to go.

Watch this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvBKC_8TTao

[–]usernameallread[S] 14 points15 points  (10 children)

Thank you! Appreciate that. it’s well said. It is easy to brush it off if it wasn’t as consistent as it is... i consider my frame to be strong because i always agree and amplify, sometimes ignore but some comments are too consistent it’s making me feel like i am not setting my borders right. I also find it difficult to directly tell someone to stop and that i wont tolerate any more shit. I don’t take things too seriously of course but also i don’t want to give an impression of a door matt.

[–]AwakenedSovereign 23 points24 points  (2 children)

So for managing your inner-frame, the guy above is 100% on point.

However when I read your post, I started thinking how to answer the outter-frame problem: which is that some guy you are socially associated with is dissing you in front of mixed company.

  1. All men who are living under the same roof will compete with eachother, overtly or covertly, to establish the pecking order. It is unavoidable. To fix this, you can either live alone, or live in a situation where you are the controlling party and they are the roommates (IE your name on the lease, you are comfortably able to lead them, etc).
  2. Banter is acceptable and even praise worthy amongst friends, but when banter goes too far it veers directly into lowkey shaming/insults/attacks against your value. Like you, to my eyes, this is all about the pattern. If he is doing it on the reg or with special intensity then you know something is up. The most common cause? Presence of females to observe the display.
  3. Friends who are trying to make you look bad ain't really your friends.

[–]usernameallread[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

The cause is mainly other people around for entertainment and banter. My frame is not all serious at all, i like to have banter but certain type of banter aimed to destruct ones self esteem on a consistent bases are not ones i appreciate, especially with presence of other people. It is definitely a toxic environment. We all were meant to go out for a drink today but i cut it short and decided to stay home as they all went out of my house for further drinks

[–]AwakenedSovereign 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Well, don't be a bitch about it.

You are stuck living with this guy for a while so your best bet is to make due until you can change the situation.

Give him a taste of his own medicine and treat him like the bratty little brother he is acting like. Whatever you do, definitely don't let his bullshit keep you from hanging out with your OTHER friends (unless they are oh so eager to talk down at you themselves).

If that whole crew is on the /u/usernameallread is a joke train long term, make new friends.

[–]Dranzer_12 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I will add that there is no need to laugh everything off. Reading TRP doesn't make you subhuman or superhuman. You need to decide this is all fun and games or he is trying to bully you to feel better about his own tiny ego. So, if you think he is trying to bully you, you can ask him to back off or give him back. Back in school, if a kid agrees and amplifies . Bully: "You are ugly". Kid : "Lol. Yeah. I am ugly. Haha.". He may pretend it doesn't affect him but at the end of the day he may internalize that he is fucking ugly. If I ever have a kid, I will ask them to clock if any kid tries to bully them continually. I will stand for them, no matter what.

[–]lietruth 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Yeah there's a balance you need to strike there.

I'd be interested to see if you handled it like the example in the video I shared, what would happen. If you find it difficult to directly address him this way, maybe this is where the real issue is. Try following the directions in that video, even if it makes you uncomfortable. It's masculine, direct, and it's assertive.

I wish I had seen that video years ago. I could've probably saved a lot of otherwise good friendships that ended because I didn't fully set my boundaries.

The thing is, you're not being an asshole, he is. And if he is really your friend, then the result should be that he stops. If he doesn't then he's not your friend anyway and find a new housemate.

[–]usernameallread[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I really like the video you sent me, very relevant, thank you. Gona be an uncomfortable ride if i confronted him about it definitely... It has to be done if it ends up being a consistent thing.

[–]lietruth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would say at this point, it needs to be done because it is a consistent thing. Best of luck, interested to see how it goes.

[–]SmartAdhesiveness 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Uncomfortable for who?

For you? Surely you would rather have the discomfort of a conversation over the ongoing discomfort of being the butt of his jokes.

For him? Who gives a damn about him.

As a man, you are responsible for creating your own circumstances and reality. Sometimes that means conflict. It can be hard, but this is where you learn to respect yourself. Then others learn to respect you.

Good luck.

[–]LethalShade 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not getting emotional and taking it personally is 100% the right move.

You can also see it as an opportunity to practice verbal judo. Ideally teasing ends up making both people feel better but if you think he's intentionally trying to put you down you can do the same to him, not viciously just as an exercise to become better with words.

With your example, you can say something silly like "Haha, you're right. I'm an alien, that must be why I lift more than you at the gym ;)"

Just have fun with it and see if you can find something funny to say that's not insulting(because you're hopefully not going into butthurt mode.) Or decide that you don't want to deal with it at all and cut him off. Up to you.

[–]friendandadvisor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i always agree and amplify, sometimes ignore but some comments are too consistent it’s making me feel like i am not setting my borders right.

Knock off the A&A shit. When a chick shittests you, the A&A stops. When a dude calls you a faggot/retard/chickenshit A&A is Positive Reinforcement, meaning, it guarantees that it will continue.

A&A with a dude just serves to make you look like an asshole, instead of a wit.

[–]stylesm11 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Dude push back and stop being a baby

Dudes banter with each other to test tribe strength, it's fun

[–]Couer_De_Lion 27 points28 points  (1 child)

One up him lmao

This sub is borderline autistic at times about this shit, thats standard banter, just shoot something back at him.

If you dont it will escalate to the point where he is clowning on you though, youll be seen as the lower male in the house.

[–]Trick_Ant 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I have a problem where I don't find their burn funny but i'm also not witty enough to come back with something, gets awkward lol

[–]Xevalous 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Have some fun. That's what he's doing. Shoot the shit, roast him back. That's what friends do.

[–]Bruchibre 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Just make sure that you don't look butthurt.

Agree and amplify, own the jokes.

- I'm not human, I'm reptilian, my blood is cold.

Make it sound that his jokes are not funny.

- Yeah OK - roll your eyes and move on like if nothing

[–]IrvineKafka 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Give better than you get. Use wit, knock him down. Rise above.

[–]philltered 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well, an easy way to internalize a strong frame is to make yourself believe you are a king.

Do you think a king would be even slightly affected by what a random bloke says about him? Just smirk, shrug it off, use it as a shit test challenge, and grow. Other self-improvement techniques are assumed.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's a joke, not a dick. Don't take it so hard.

You aren't going to stop anything. Quit taking it as some huge show of disrespect. It's just friends giving each other shit. Give it back, and don't be so butthurt.

[–]toredddit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was (still am I guess) an extremely sensitive person. After this sub and learning about shittests, I now look for opportunities like your housemate to practice my banter. Seriously, don't let this opportunity slip away. Cunts like this are a great source of skill.

[–]alittletoosmooth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're letting something so stupid eat you up inside. All of my best male friends call each other by the most demeaning garbage names. It's all in good fun. If this is the only thing that makes you question his friendship, then you either have to confront him or stop being so sensitive about it. It's very likely that him calling you a cunt is doing ZERO damage to you in the girls eyes, but the butthurt reaction you give is the reason why they lose interest. If your feelings get hurt from someone calling you a cunt (or any other word), then you must not think very highly of yourself. Lose the loser attitude.

[–]TheL1zardKing3214 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tell it straight to his face man to boy, or ditch his ass

[–]TigerXtrm 1 point2 points  (0 children)

TRP 101 (or 2, or 3, whatever). Agree and amplify. If you are the target of a constant running joke, own the joke, amplify it and dial it up to 11. It takes further ammo away from them and it shows that you aren't afraid to mock yourself.

In the same spirit, don't be afraid to burn down your friends either. If they are allowed to do it to you, you are allowed to do it to them. If they can't handle that then that's on them. Just don't go try hard and start yelling you fucked their mom or something.

[–]frankreyes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Leaders take initiative. Even if you always give the right frame-holding answer, as long as you give the answer only as a consequence of another guy shit-testing you, you'll never have the strongest frame. You have to take the game to the next level, and have the initiative to shit-test the other guy as a first strike. Otherwise, you will still be in the other guy's frame.

[–]redvelvet_oreo 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Top comment is correct. The biggest issue for you now is that it seems you failed so many of these male shit tests (see if you measure up to be apart of the group) that no one respects you. I cant say for sure but sometimes this is impossible to reframe. You might come off as incongruent now because your trying to AA and everyone knows your not the type. If it is were possible I would just try to find a new social group. You should really try hanging out with more people in general because this is common in schools, work places anywhere a group of men congregate whether it be an established group or a brand new environment.

https://illimitablemen.com/2014/12/14/the-shit-test-encyclopedia/ - I have linked this a million times so here is a million and one.

Those who consider themselves “a bullshit free zone,” eg: masculine men will “ball bust” (read: shit test your ass a new one) quite relentlessly to determine “just how much of a man you are.” If you are an effeminate or timid man, you will feel bullied rather than challenged and this tells the group everything they need to know about you.

You will fail to understand that what you are experiencing is a social initiation ritual that all men must go through when they are new to a male-dominated group. You will be relentlessly ridiculed to determine what you’re like and where you belong in the pecking order. If you are too reactive, you will be rejected and exiled from the group, or relegated to the bottom position as the emotional punch bag everybody ridicules for cheap laughs. To avoid finding yourself condemned to such a fate, you must demonstrate you can spar verbally without taking too much to heart.

[–]HurricaneHugues 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Throw something back. Make fun of him too.

[–]daddanm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Next time he says somehting like that in front of the friends that are used to that, shout back: hey man do you have a crush on me or something?

[–]Hi_its_me_Kris 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"yea man, you should ask your sister"

[–]xx-Rain_Maker-xx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Man, don't ignore it. You have to agree, and amplify.

[–]ashhjr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He picks on you because he perceives you as someone weak and not much of a threat. You either show him you're not to be messed with by demonstrating high value, or you can play along with it and be a fun guy.

[–]MasterSharinganUser 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He’s shit testing you. Its not only women who shit test

[–]SexySmexxy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had the same situation as you actually.

I felt like some of my housemates or "friends" didn't really respect me, so I stopped hanging out with them.

My housemates from last year, all except one I havent been out with them in months and months, maybe 8,9,10,11+ months.

They always ask me when I'm gonna come to the pub with them or go out clubbing with them I just say I'm busy and hang out with other friends who treat me 10x better and respect me.

And now they act like they're walking on eggshells whenever they're around me.

They do everything they can to win back my respect or attention but I genuinely am not interested in hanging out with them for more than 10 minutes.

It's funny actually, I spend more time with one of my housemates hometown friends than I do with my actual housemate.

But yea, in any relationship, if you aren't wiling to walk away then you don't have any power in it.

[–]rad_dynamic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

laugh with them, give them something back. lads fucking love banter, and so should you. it's a fun way to pole at each other and have a laugh. worst comes to worst agree and amplify just act like it's a shit test.. because it sort of is!

[–]iamking1111 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You need to watch the movie 8 mile. With eminem. That's your answer. Had a guy that would always come at me in group chats and then I started roasting him harder. Guy is now trying to be my friend. On some prison shit, you need to swing for the nose on that one. And I don't mean literally. Go for unique and clever come backs.

[–]Andgelyo -1 points0 points  (0 children)

If it really got to me, I would pull him aside and look him right in the eye and directly explain to him that I don’t appreciate being mocked. If he’s a true a friend, he would understand and not do it. If not, get ready for physical confrontation. You need to set barriers. Give him 3 strikes, if he crosses all of them, get ready to land one to his jaw. I always lived in a very testosterone like environment with 2 older brothers and a piece of shit abusive father. I realize when there are males living together it’s always a battle to show who is dominant. You absolutely cannot show them you are weak because they will capitalize on it. Do not tolerate disrespect.