How to be more masculine? (self.asktrp)

submitted by ValuePrestige

Hey. This might seem odd but I feel like I got problems with being masculine. My mother raised me alone since I was 4 years old, so I never really had a father figure. I always clicked better with girls than with guys. My best friend is my girlfriend. I always feel like I am not really masculine. It's hard to pinpoint. Help?

[–]SixtySecondJeep 200 points201 points  (23 children)

I was raised by a single mom from about 12 onward and had a lot of female friends until I was older so I can sort of relate. Your case sounds a little more severe but I’m really glad you asked this question. I’ve been a lurker in this sub and TRP since about 2013 but have never posted. I’ve watched this place go from good hard hitting and thought provoking questions about masculinity and manhood to a PUA and game circlejerk, whereas before game was just a part of TRP not the whole thing. Glad to see someone asking again. Anyway...

First and easiest thing you can do is lift. I got into powerlifting and eventually started competing in college. Few things can build confidence, manliness, and toughness like regularly lifting heavy weights. I’m a fan of Greyskull LP (the actual book not the meme version floating around the Internet) but there’s other great beginner routines out there. Bro splits and “fuckarounditis” get a lot of hate but lots of good lifters started like that until they understood training better. Just practice good form and nutrition so you don’t get hurt.

Second is diet. Experiment a little. If you have high body fat lose it. If you’re skinny, eat like a mofo and lift heavy. Not only will it be healthy but it will help optimize your hormones which will make you feel like more of a man and act like more of a man.

Third. Seek out people and hobbies you think are masculine. For me it was lifting, contact and combat sports, and hunting. I started there and ended up working as a bouncer too. They all built toughness and grit, two universally masculine traits. Find places and things where masculine guys hang out or work and make friends with them. Observe how they act and speak. Over time you’ll notice yourself emulating them. Develop mentors if you can. None of this happens right away so give it a few months. They’ll take you under their wing eventually if you can show you have thick enough skin and are emotionally and mentally stable. There’s clubs for everything. Unless you’re in LA, NYC, or the middle of the desert with no vehicle there’s hunting and fishing clubs close enough if you’re interested in that, for example. If you’re in college some fraternities can be good but not all so proceed with caution. If cars interest you there’s clubs for that. Forums are helpful when starting out also.

Finally, define what masculinity is to you. I haven’t read Jack Donovan but I have heard good things. The truth is, there’s no playbook to any of this shit. TRP can be way too dogmatic most of the time and a lot of it is just going by feel. What makes you feel strong? Do that. You might have to step outside your comfort zone and try new things. While I was a bouncer and competitive power lifter, I regularly went to counseling and did yoga with almost all females just because it felt good. I’d dare anyone then to tell me I wasn’t masculine. There’s nothing wrong with having female friends as long as you don’t go overboard. Understand AWALT and keep at arms length. Having all very close or even any very close female friends isn’t good but having moderately close female friends is fine and can even be good for your game. LTRs I personally think can be okay if you’re RP but there’s room for debate there, I’ll admit. The point is there are some truths to it all and you certainly are the sum of those you are around the most, but it’s all just a guide not a bible. Identify your beliefs and values. Find your tribe and earn your stripes. Keep your head down and learn from the people you respect. Eventually you’ll be well on your way.

[–]ValuePrestige[S] 34 points35 points  (6 children)

Thanks dude. Means a lot to me.

[–]thebrandedman 112 points113 points  (4 children)

I'm not the previous guy, but in addition to his advice, I'd like to throw in some from my father: Before the man cave, there was the man's studio. Men took great pride in their library, their pipes, and their whisky. My grandfather was an immigrant who fled communist Russia, and one thing that amazed him about his American neighbors was that the men deliberately set up a space in their home strictly to make a good impression on their peers. They would invite him over and pour him a drink and offer a cigar, and would sit and discuss politics, philosophy and life for hours. That impressed him deeply, and when he built his own home, he built his own office space. My old man was very rarely allowed into that room until he reached age 18, but he remembers it fondly. It was nothing like a modern "man cave" with video games and movie posters, it was like a miniature university. A place of learning.

Too many people these days don't get to experience that, but there is a place central to manliness that is reserved in a good book of lectures.

[–]SixtySecondJeep 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Underrated comment in my opinion. Too many people will read this without any thought and think you’re saying you need a man cave to feel manly, but some of us will understand.

[–]rp2626 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That's so cool. I want to set up a little study now. Would be nice to have somewhere to go and read in my home.

[–]when_in_rhone 4 points5 points  (1 child)

This is really good. I have sort of this setup in my room. I live in a loft in Brooklyn with three other guys in different shades of loser and luckily have my own living space under a lofted sleeping space. The bottom area is filled with art, books, a vinyl collection and things that reflect my personality. Having that space for myself as well as to share with people I’m interested in knowing has been vital to my growth in this city and as a whole.

[–]MisterDSTP 0 points1 point  (0 children)

[email protected] differen shades of loser. Sounds like this red hook loft i used to record at. Where do you sarge? u got a wingman?

[–]SixtySecondJeep 3 points4 points  (0 children)

No problem. This sub is living proof that there are many many men willing to take you under their wing and show you the way if you are just willing to seek it out. Apply that to real life and you’ll find what you’re looking for. The fact that you’re even asking at all tells me you’ll probably be just fine.

Also, just wanted to add that like you I am currently in an LTR and would consider her my closest friend. I was never a fan of ONS, and short-term plates although I did spend some time restricted to them. We did not meet in a bar, I vetted her thoroughly prior, and knew her extremely well before committing. I take it for what it is and I know that AWALT, so it keeps me on my toes. I know that one day if it detracts more from my life than it adds I will end it and if it ends by her own decision then I will move on regardless and be grateful for the memories and experience. I have no other very close female friends but some moderately close female friends. I am very happy and feel quite masculine though there is always room for improvement. My LTR situation is definitely rare, so in regards to your LTR definitely be wary and examine closely under a RP lens, but I personally think LTRs can work and actually be a good thing if you’re honest with yourself about them and apply TRP properly. Best of luck to you man!

[–]HumbleTrees 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Quality response right here. Combat sports are great for masculinity and agree with dropping body fat. Body fat has an inverse relationship with testosterone levels.

[–]SixtySecondJeep 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Training combat sports did wonders for me, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally also. I often tell people that I have applied concepts I learned in training combat sports during some very difficult times in my life with great success. Jiu Jitsu was particularly helpful for me.

[–]JesterBLB 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Not OP, but thanks, this was great advice!

[–]systemshock869 4 points5 points  (2 children)

TRP used to have a nice mix of content relevant to the modern man and the socio political war going on, but they seem to have decided that it should be 100% "TRP content." Circle jerks and old reposts. Might still be useful to newbies but it's basically worthless after you've seen all the classics.

A week or two ago I was shadowbanned from Reddit science for something feminist related and made a detailed post on TRP with evidence. It was removed after gaining a decent little interest because it violated "rule zero" which is "stay on topic."

I don't know if their Reddit mistresses shortened their leash or what, but you're right. It's become just a bro circle jerk with occasional theory and old reposts. When they removed my post I unsubscribed. It was fun while it lasted, fuckers. Asktrp is still interesting sometimes.

[–]red_matrix 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I get where you’re coming from - but I think it’s important to just read the sidebar material. Ask a few questions here and then actually go into the world, we tend to talk ourselves in circles here. I’m a firm believer that the only thing you need to read is the Book of Pook, everything else is just a rehash of it in different ways.

[–]EminemLovesGrapes 2 points3 points  (3 children)

It's nice too see that what I figured i had to work on and what I'm trying to develop are the right things. Most of the stuff you said is stuff I'm trying to get going myself. Just like OP.

If you’re skinny, eat like a mofo and lift heavy. Not only will it be healthy but it will help optimize your hormones which will make you feel like more of a man and act like more of a man.

This really helps. I had to force myself to eat more and hated it when I started changing my diet. But now I'm always hungry, and even after a big meal like dinner I'm back to being hungry just after a few hours.

The hunger will come. And so will the weight.

Lifting as well, I'm doing some compound movements, mostly focusing on my technique. I just use the bar, I don't even add weights. Just to be able to feel where it hits my muscles and how I should compensate ie. leaning in more, bending my knees a little, moving with my shoulder instead of my arms etc. Just to be able to do it correctly first.

Once I've gained more weight and look a bit more lean I want to do combat sports as well, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu probably, thanks to Joe Rogan... figuring out a good dojo is probably going to be the most difficult thing, Judo is way more popular over here...(Netherlands). I might have to go to MMA instead.... need to do more research on that.

Find places and things where masculine guys hang out or work and make friends with them.

This is the most difficult hurdle for me. Not a generally social-able guy. I'm always quiet and focussed on my own things. I'll work on it, I'm assuming that once I look like a person who gets shit done, it'll attract people who get shit done.

I'd also add reading to that. Build up a library of books. Nothing like expanding your knowledge base. I like philosophy(Stoicism) / Science Fiction in particular.

[–]SixtySecondJeep 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Seconding reading. I’m a fan of Meditations by Marcus Aurelius personally.

I’m pretty quiet and introverted too. One approach that worked for me is getting involved in activities that interested me either solo or as a group and then using the activity as an excuse to talk and make friendships. We’d talk about different methods or how to improve or whatever and build rapport.

[–]trulytrulyisay 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Having just listened to Joe and Eddie Bravo discuss the important of Western Boxing in one’s street fight arsenal I recommend BJJ and some striking training. I’m aiming to begin a regimen soon myself.

[–]EminemLovesGrapes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

BJJ was my go to too.

But there's basically a giant "hole" in the Netherlands where there are no BJJ schools. And guess what? I live right in the middle of that. Plus I want to learn in one that takes its shit seriously....

So that complicates things a bit.

Closest is half and hour drive away... which isn't that bad actually.

Thanks for the tips! That's definitely going to be my step 2 after reach the gains I want in the gym.

[–]Str_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Quality post

[–]modHalitenina[M] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

I’ve been a lurker in this sub and TRP since about 2013 but have never posted. I’ve watched this place go from good hard hitting and thought provoking questions about masculinity and manhood to a PUA and game circlejerk, whereas before game was just a part of TRP not the whole thing.

Big words coming from a man who hasn't contributed in all his years here.

[–]SixtySecondJeep 3 points4 points  (2 children)

A good student learns and listens before he tries to teach. Not my fault the class went to shit in the meantime.

[–]modHalitenina[M] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

It's fine that you kept quiet because you didn't have anything to say. I appreciate it, even.

But you haven't earned the right to a public opinion.

I won't remove your post because there's a lot of good there, but tread carefully.

[–]WeakExample 34 points35 points  (10 children)

Go kill it in the gym, after deadlifting/benching/squatting some plates you surely feel masculine.

[–]Gr33d3ater 14 points15 points  (8 children)

Plenty of gym rats that have no self confidence.

[–]red_matrix 2 points3 points  (7 children)

It’s step one, and it will build confidence.

[–]Gr33d3ater -5 points-4 points  (6 children)

It can. It can also build arrogance and narcissism, which are unattractive especially together. Are you there to get big so other people look at you or are you there to build yourself into a better man for yourself? If the latter then yes, self confidence should follow, so long as you’re addressing all other aspects of your life with as much rigor.

[–]red_matrix 6 points7 points  (4 children)

Are you actually trying to say lifting weights is bad for you?

[–]Gr33d3ater -1 points0 points  (3 children)

No. Just that it’s not a shortcut to an amiable personality or a better life. You don’t suddenly have an education and become employable because you’re jacked.

[–]red_matrix 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Correct, but it should be the first thing you do to get in shape, it takes discipline, it's healthy, it builds confidence and you can measure your progress. Healthy body, healthy mind.

[–]Gr33d3ater 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I would argue that you need a healthy mind first to have the discipline to work out regularly.

[–]LeBroney 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why not both? The body and mind are connected. There are health benefits to working out besides just appearances. Besides, it’s pointless to wait until your mind is “healthy enough” to work out. Just work out, and get yourself sorted out at the same time.

[–]sorryforthelifestory 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I’m arrogant and narcissistic af and it seems to work out for me

[–]bleuge 9 points10 points  (0 children)

deadlift until you pass out, grind the squat until you can't sit in the wc without feeling the DOMS.

A manly pussy->brickhouse regimen.

[–]kweikum1 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Become a man of value. That is masculine. Nothing worse than a useless man. Money is a measure tool, but not the only unit of measurement.

[–]SolarTortality 12 points13 points  (0 children)

As a man raised part time by a lesbian mom I struggle with this. To help me get in touch with my masculinity I lift, I run, I do MMA, I try to go drinking at the bars with men I perceive as alphas, and I dedicate myself to pursuing a tangible, professional field of study (for me that is Chemical Engineering).

Good luck. It’s in your DNA to be an assertive dominant male, you just have to bring it out.

[–]masterpiece00 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yeah get older, women date guys older then you and will see you as a boy till you are at least 30.

[–]BurningOrangeHeaven 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Take care of the things need to and then do whatever the fuck you feel like doing. The rest pretty much comes along with that.

[–]RedPillWizard 4 points5 points  (0 children)

lift heavy weights.

stop playing video games and engaging in escapism.

watch some roosh (He is your daddy now) https://www.youtube.com/user/roosh4/videos

try to emulate traditional masculine men

read some books about the mighty men of old.


[–]VikkBlack 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You need more guy friends, thats for sure.

[–]mrsonoffabeach 4 points5 points  (0 children)

eat meat. chop wood. learn to fix things.

[–]CjtheClaimed 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Well I don't know you, but I would tell you to increase your testosterone through exercise and diet. Testosterone is male essence thus increasing it will make you more masculine. Good luck brother and go kill it

[–]christophertracy92 17 points18 points  (11 children)

" so I never really had a father figure "
Most of the fathers nowadays are feminized so people rarely adopt masculine traits from their upbringing.

" My best friend is my girlfriend "
There is no such thing as a girl friend and you shouldn't be in an LTR unless you are 30 years old or more.

" I always feel like I am not really masculine "
That's cause you are not. Trust your gut moving forward.

The issue is in your mind, in order to be more masculine you have to be in a position to define what masculinity is or 'what makes you good at being a man'.
The first thing you will have to address is your mentality and I strongly suggest you read 'The Way of Men' by Jack Donovan.
This book is all about defining masculinity in a way our generation of males completely missed it.

Another thing that will help you is fixing your appearance.
Hit the gym , check your clothing style, grow a beard if you feel like it. This will help your mind as well (fake it till you make it)

Finally, learn about the Red Pill truths. You can't talk about having a girl friend , it's fundamentally wrong - acquaintance sure.
Read 'The Rational Male' by Rollo Tomassi.

P.S Don't feel bad about yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. You belong in maybe, more than the 90% of the male population, the difference is that you have your eyes open and therefore you can improve.

[–]You_Know_This_MAN 27 points28 points  (4 children)

I never get this....everyone recommends waiting til you're like 40+ before LTRing some chick. What the hell do you do if you wanna have a kids and still be able to play street hockey/toss around a football with them without your knees buckling from old age. Having kids at 40 would kinda suck.

[–]DrizzlyShrimp36 21 points22 points  (2 children)

That’s because it’s bullshit. Get in an LTR if you fucking want to, anytime you want. You’re allowed to have feelings for someone and have that person for yourself. LTRs are fun, given that you still live your life in your own way and are not controlled by the thought of your SO.

[–]never_as_big_as_pump 4 points5 points  (1 child)


Best comment I’ll read here. Thats the wisest TRP truth. Do whatever the fuck you want!

Just be smart and dont ltr first random chick you meet. You have to test her (min.5 months) to see the real person. This sub acts like every woman is whore and cheating and that ltrs are pain in the ass.

Source: am in relationship. Been fwb with her for 6 months and she’s giving me all I’ll ever want or need of her. Supports me, cooks me, cuddles me, makes me feel good and I have good time with her. Actually my life is awesome at the moment and the sex is amazing, and I would never switch that for random plates and feelingless sex.

[–]DrizzlyShrimp36 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There ya go. I seriously do not understand the disdain this sub has for LTRs. There’s no other human connection quite like an LTR. It should be a blast if you pick your woman wisely.

[–]Random_throwaway_000 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

you leave the states, its not a country to have a family in

[–]SixtySecondJeep 4 points5 points  (5 children)

Can you expand on this more? I really don’t understand this hyper dogmatic thinking when it comes to this stuff. It’s fundamentally wrong to have an LTR? So no RP man can have a good LTR? Ever? Sounds ridiculous to me. Has anyone ever actually seen Rollo speak or really analyzed his work? The guy seems to me to be just a bitter MGTOW riding a wave of outrage to fame and fortune. How is that RP? I’m not discounting everything he says. A lot of it is true. RP truths are to some extent definitively true, but Rollo is not a prophet nor is his work gospel. I know you’re trying to help OP, but I genuinely don’t see why this thinking is encouraged.

[–]christophertracy92 6 points7 points  (4 children)

Ok this is a huge chapter and I will encourage you to read the Rational Male, however I will try to give you a short answer on why LTR's are a bad idea before you hit 30s. Women are having a free pass by society to spin plates while being in a relationship. They have many orbiters available to fuck any day they want. Options is confidence. Confidence means she needs you way less than you need her. Means she holds the power in the relationship, she holds the frame. Guys are jumping into LTRs while girls have plan b,c,...,z. You have to get in a relationship in your own terms

Another reason is that we have different SMVs. Our value is best around 35 years old. Then you will have a much better capacity of choice in respect to what you can do now.

Another scheme is the classic issue of the 'Beta in waiting'. While chicks fuck every Alpha and go through their party years, you are waiting for your princess. The princess gets off the cock carousel and picks a beta guy that starts having ONEitis. The blue pilled guy paints a circle around the target and calls it a bullseye.

There are many more reasons behind this. However note that the RP is not anti LTR, it's anti "I didnt see it coming".

Read the Rational Male. Go to youtube check the Red Man Group podcasts.

[–]SixtySecondJeep 0 points1 point  (3 children)

I’ve read the Rational Male and frankly, I just don’t think it’s a good book. Sure I agree with the above scenarios you stated. All of the above scenarios definitely happen and happen often, but it just seems to be too reactionary in my opinion. I’ll admit it is unlikely, but you definitely can have a good LTR before 30 if you’re RP and take it for what it is. Guys might find that if they just work on themselves, do some proper vetting, and stop hunting for LTR quality girls in bars and nightclubs they might find it’s not as bad as Rollo makes it seem. LTRs might work well for some of us. Just my opinion.

[–]christophertracy92 -1 points0 points  (2 children)

I’ll admit it is unlikely, but you definitely can have a good LTR before 30 if you’re RP and take it for what it is.

You have to ask yourself why would you want an LTR that early.

Sure you might want to have kids , but why bother doing LTRs during your 20s? You can have kids during your 30s.

The Male Sexual Strategy is to spread the seed. That's our default instinct.So what's making you want to stick to a girl?

Well, it's the conditioning from the society. It's because it serves Hypergamy.

LTR's could work . However, you shouldn't want an LTR during your 20s.

Rollo is not making it seem bad , he is just a pioneer in connecting some dots in terms of intersexual relationships.

It is what it is. Women are fine, it's the system that fucks us all up. Both genders lost their identity.

[–]faustian_talos 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want to have kids before I hit 30 since I also want to be alive when I have grandchildren.

[–]SixtySecondJeep 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t think it is conditioning. That’s the RP dogma I’m referring to. Some things just work for some people. For me it’s just preference honestly. I’m in my late 20s and it just works better for me. I don’t want kids or anything right now, but I’m not too interested in ONS and plates. It could be I’m just weird but I never got that much pleasure out of ONS and plates and I experienced diminishing returns over time. I was just over it and pretty much forgot about ONS entirely. I also started working as a bouncer in a popular bar around this time and just got sort of disgusted by the hookup culture and hypergamy. I didn’t really want to contribute to it. I still spun plates but sort of vetted them in the meantime. Those that made the cut moved on to long term plates where I expected monogamy but it wasn’t quite a relationship. Then same deal from longer term plate to LTR. My current LTR is basically that I just vetted her a lot more. I do think I got lucky as she definitely has some qualities that are pretty rare among young women but AWALT still probably holds true so we will see.

I don’t know if it is the system. You don’t hate a dog because it barks and bites. You just accept it and act accordingly. I still love my dog despite his fangs and we have a great relationship. Crude example, but it’s kind of like that.

[–]Icepickthegod 1 point2 points  (1 child)


[–]ValuePrestige[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not much of a fapper/porn guy anyways

[–]frankreyes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can recommend some books about it:

  • 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, by Jordan B. Peterson
  • The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida 
  • Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, by John Gray

The topic is, in general, taking responsibility for your own troubles and not trying to change other people.

[–]beastmodeking 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Read no more mr nice guy. That book relied opened up my eyes in the journey to becoming a mature adult masculine man

[–]prawnfynder2 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Eh dont focus too much on being a tough guy. Be yourself but stay in shape and do push ups. You dont have to be some meathead to be a man.

[–]ChadTheWaiter100 0 points1 point  (3 children)


Can you advise this man on how to be mor masculine?

[–]3CainPrice 1 point2 points  (1 child)

His post is too non-specific to offer any constructive comments besides vague generalities. Just tell him to go lift weights or something.

[–]ChadTheWaiter100 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Cane. I have a question for you as an older man. Why are fat people so fucking jolly? I see these fat fucks at my work walk around with a pep in there step, just happily jiggling their fat ass all over the place and I wonder- why are they so jolly? It actually pisses me off. They laugh at everything. I think to myself - this isn’t funny.

So aside from low iq, what is the cause for this?

[–]theycallmedumdum 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think u have to redo the mention

[–]2SirKolbath 0 points1 point  (10 children)

Really kind of disappointed that only one person said to start by reading the sidebar. This is what I mean when I say that the signal to noise ratio in this subreddit has gone to shit.

[–]ValuePrestige[S] 0 points1 point  (9 children)

Nah. I've read the sidebar.