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Is There a Cure for Gay Loneliness? (self.altTRP)

submitted by NeoSoul121

I'm referencing a Huff Post article in this post "The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness" If you'd like to check that out first. I wanted to link it here but you can only do text or link so i chose text - - -

This has probably been talked about already to death either on this subreddit or other more controversial ones, but this article hit home for me and probably for a lot of other gay men out there.

All my life I've always struggled with loneliness no matter how many people I was surrounded by. It took me until I was around 17 to come out. I started hooking up with a few guys when I was 19 and realized none of them wanted a lasting relationship. If they wanted to date me I wasn't interested and if I wanted to date them they just wanted to fuck me. I'm 22 now and can't claim to have seen as much of the world as the people who wrote this article or some of you on this subreddit but my experience and what I've read is all I have to go by. And I'm aware most of this will sound like whining and I apologize.

Is there really any way to achieve long-term happiness as a gay man? The world for me so far in terms of my sexuality and social life has felt so cruel. I've never been friendless and I'm not unpopular. But there is a deep seated loneliness that feels as if it will never go away. Growing up I was always attracted to straight men and straight men only. I'm aware this isn't an uncommon thing. But obviously it doesn't work. So I went looking for masculine gay men. It seems the more and more I looked, however masculine a man was I was with, they wanted someone even MORE masculine and MORE dominant MORE attractive, and dare I say "more straight acting" than themselves. If they were going to have sex with someone who was less masculine than themselves it was going to be a one time thing. I don't think most people would call me feminine and I don't try to put on something unnatural but I'd be lying if I wasn't insecure about it. Since those experiences I've gone to the gym religiously, changed my diet, lost weight, combatted my eating disorder (this one's a daily struggle) and tried my best to battle almost lifelong depression to better myself as much as I can. I have bettered myself a lot and am very proud, but it didn't yield the results I wanted. I'm in my last year of college now and I keep being told by people "you've seen so little of the world there are people out there for you" but every day that goes by I have less and less hope. I've had feelings for so many men in my life. More recently I've at least been talking to more bisexual men which I seem to be more attracted to. But they all eventually ghost me or get girlfriends as well. Even in a platonic sense I find my self-esteem mainly coming from the validation of straight men or men I'm attracted to. A lot of girl's struggle with this too but I believe it's a huge problem for gay men as well. I'm not self hating and I never would want to magically be straight either because I'm grateful for the different perspectives being gay has given me in life. But sometime I do think I would be so much happier if I just didn't have this androphilia. If I wasn't gay or just didn't have any sexual attraction at all and could derive all my self esteem from my work and accomplishments my life would be so much better I think. But that's impossible for me. I drink occasionally and don't do drugs, but I could see the appeal of gay men trying to escape their realities with them. I've even toyed with the idea of trans briefly but realized that it wasn't something I'd be willing to do ideologically.

I'm sorry for the wall of sappy text and I don't mean to start a debate but is there ways for gay men to achieve long term happiness? I just don't want to end up a bitter old queen paying hot prostitutes to make me feel less lonely. Even just knowing there's other people that are going through similar things would probably ease my conscience slightly. Feel free to leave your thought and opinions or call me a faggot in the comments.


[–]AceofRains 3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Yeah man definitely. It wouldn't be The Red Pill if it weren't something difficult to swallow. We as gay men have a unique brand of capacity to put sole focus on ourselves and not be dragged down by female related distractions. Part of no fap is to stop objectifying that which you pleasure your self to. You must be able to separate objectification of other men in order to find fellowship with them. You will learn that being horny is only a wave that passes. There will be days were sex will repulse you. Trust me it's going to suck, but keep in the back of your head that it is not actually you saying how shitty things are- it's the addiction. You can find solace in the fact that in the modern age, nobody can abridge your achievement but you. No fap is extremely tough- even I have a hard time committing to it- but it falls under the category of monk mode, which I find to be the best way to cope with our struggle. In the biblical understanding, what we do is sinful, and quite obviously to the gay community at large it's detrimental. But that doesn't mean we are bound to some ill depressing fate. You are who ever you want to make your self. You're very welcome.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

I'd completely disagree as far as the biblical significance of homosexuality. In my opinion, I think that people have missed the meaning on "that one verse". I'd love to talk about it if you're interested.

[–]AceofRains 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

I can’t really remember the contextual thought processes I had writing this, but I wouldn’t mind talking about it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Imma be honest, it's tell you my 2 year long experience searching for biblical truth, learning the Bible in Hebrew and shit, or play Rainbow Six Siege (which I just booted up) for the first time in months. I think you know which one I'll pick :D Have a good day mate

[–]AceofRains 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

No prob have fun lmao.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I am! There was a new update that I have to learn about now :D

[–]AceofRains 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know that feel but with league of legends.

[–]wuboo 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Dating in college is a mixed bag. A couple of recommendations I have for you are:

  • therapist that specializes with lgbt. check with your school. Needing validation from straight men means you have some personal issues to work through.

  • get involved with lgbt organizations. Not the ones that focus on social gatherings but ones that are looking to improve lgbt communities. You should be a part of something bigger than yourself

  • build a group of platonic lgbt friends

I have met many happy gay men both in college and at work. Yes, college gay men were a bit more drama filled. Older gay men have their shit together. They are settled down with families and working towards their life goals.

[–]NeoSoul121[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks for the response! I appreciate the wise words. I have been seeing a therapist who's also gay for about a year now and another therapist for a couple years before that. Haven't been able to find any kind of personal reason why I would feel that way.

I've been meaning to get involved with an lgbt organization. Preferably one that helps homeless lgbt or something like that. All the ones I've been a part of in the past have been politically and ideologically polarizing and have been much more into the parts of gay culture that don't interest me.

I have many lgbt friends but most of them are lesbians, trans, bisexual. Gay men usually either want to date me or are afraid I want to date them.

[–]anothdae 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would disagree with the guy you replied to.

Make your life (and the orgs you associate with) about YOU, not about your sexuality. Get involved with groups that deal with issues that you care about. Animal shelters, food banks, tutoring, whatever.

Don't make your whole life about the LGBT culture / community. You are just a guy that likes other guys. That dosen't need to define you.

[–]Entropy-7 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I am actually a straight guy but I lived in Vancouver for 7 years and it was quite the sausage-fest. I got hit on and proposistioned many times. If you are gay and lonely that may be a function of the podunk town you are living in. I grew up in Toronto and the guys there are not so aggressive but it is host to one of the biggest Pride Parades in the world.

And what the heck? This is the internet! I suspect that gay guys can hook up a lot faster than hetro guys.

[–]20950923850 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I wrote a list of take-aways after reading that article.

The biggest one was about how gay guys that are more involved in the gay community end up becoming MORE DEPRESSED than those gay guys who are removed from the gay scene.

The others were this: 1. Find a group of close friends who share similar values/world view 2. Take care of mental health (as we are more susceptible to mental health problems). This translates into exercise, getting enough sleep, meditation, making sure your job does not drain your energy, etc. 3. Find a life partner removed the gay community. If someone is heavily involved in the gay community it is a red flag for me. 4. Assert masculine identity

[–]NeoSoul121[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Everything you say makes sense my friend. It's definitely more difficult to garner close friends in the age of social media and fake people but I have several. Getting enough exercise, sleep, healthy eating, and taking care of my mental health is a constant struggle. Finding a partner removed from the gay community does seem like the only way but even then you run into problems with the nature of gay men and fidelity etc. (I also tend to red flag any activist I go on dates with) And as far as asserting masculine identity goes this one makes sense but seems wrong. I'm masculine in my mannerisms and speech etc. naturally for the most part. But I can't help feeling that gay men have feminine and submissive energy at our core. (I know I do.) I do try and assert a masculine identity but it seems like a charade most of the time and makes me feel foolish when it isn't genuine.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Find a life partner removed the gay community. If someone is heavily involved in the gay community it is a red flag for me.

Is it the status-seeking? Or the high standards that gays keep within the community? Lots of "body positivity" gays thrive within the community.

​

Assert masculine identity

So you think that gays/queers who express themselves out loud wouldn't be able to make friends outside of the community because of their queerness

[–]AceofRains 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

There is no real cure. As far as I can tell at least. Remember- RP truth; no one is going to love you the way you want to be loved. Meet a lot of guys. Wear a condom. Our relationships will never be something like a man and a woman. They all eventually become "open relationships". That is our promiscuity showing by factor of the Coolidge effect. Wear a condom with a LTR especially. Agree to protect each other. What he does with other men is his problem, but if he cares for you protecting you is more important. Keep striving to improve in all facets of life. Someone who you can settle for will eventually come along (I hope). Don't let your neediness show if you want to make a LTR. Hold out until your interest concedes you to be the more masculine partner. Theoretically, he will yield to you, but worse than with women you gotta play the long game. The moment you slip up you are gonna have to cut the loss and next. Remember, we're all fags. Go around the rules and think outside the box.

[–]NeoSoul121[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yeah this all seems about right, just extremely depressing. I feel the best I can hope for is a LTR with a guy who sleeps around maybe. But even that seems like a longshot. I'm always working on keeping my neediness in check, but there are times when I feel as though it's impossible. (aka guy who you've been close with doesn't respond for weeks on end) I just can't see myself being the more masculine partner unless the other guy is very boyish and way more attractive than me. It's just very fucked either way.

[–]AceofRains 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

There's an easy way to curb this. Don't masturbate- at least to porn (this one is rough because it's hard to not edge when browsing Grindr and the like.)(beware of rage and depression during nofap, see r/nofap for more), lift, and involve your self in a sport, learn new languages (I use duo lingo), read book on topics that will further your interests, etc, etc. Your testosterone levels will significantly increase and you will be far less idle that your mind doesn't wander to the place that needs others. People will read your aura and naturally flock to you, gay or straight. Don't reveal that you're gay unless it has to actually be mentioned. Solid advice I got from this very subreddit: Everyone is a top until a toppier top comes along. All men are made to top. Low testosterone men surrender sooner than others. And some are heavily masculine but incapable of being pleasing the way gay men so love. Big cocks, muscles, height, aggression, and aesthetics. Masculine men with smaller cocks or those with ED, are likely to bottom just because it the only option- if it were in their capacity they would be top in a heartbeat. We are always the top in regards to women. Be the single black woman "who don't need no man". Be the one who rejects others because they are not yet worthy to please you. Be everything God made you to be- a man. Be your own best friend, because at the end of the day your sole body is all you've got in this world.

[–]NeoSoul121[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for the advice Ace. I do lift already. I've done sports in the past and find it depressing and hard to concentrate when playing with boys I'm attracted to. But I am active with lifting and running. Do you really think not masturbating will make me need others less?? It seems like it would do the opposite cause I'd be horny all the time. I already usually don't reveal that I'm gay unless it comes up. I'm going to continue bettering myself because I know I have it in me but remembering these truths can pull me down very often. Thinking about the toppier top hierarchy is also just extremely depressing because it's basically ranking people's worth. But at the same time I do agree with it. I'm going to continue trying my best to be the shit and better myself. I try everyday to live life not needing a man but the jealousy is always pushing on my shoulder. I guess in any case it's nice know that it's a struggle all of us have to cope with. Thanks again. Maybe I'll look into nofap.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm sorry for the wall of sappy text and I don't mean to start a debate but is there ways for gay men to achieve long term happiness?

I am hetero. If anything, you have it easier, in that you can romantically relate with people on your same level, with respect to evolutionary level of brain development

Trust me, it makes a lot of difference. You probably have no idea the flickiness, unreliability, exploitativeness, and mindlessness we have to deal to ALL the time.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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