59
60
61

Lack of social circle in new city causing me to focus on women too much. Help with rebuilding one? (self.asktrp)

submitted by traktor28

I used to have a massive friend group when I was younger and would always have people around me. After growing up (33) and moving to a new city last year my social circle is basically non-existent. Most my good buddies have families now and live at least an hour away. It's been hard to adjust to being alone so much. I read, meditate, exercise, and eat right, but still feel empty af.

I recently joined an ice hockey team, but haven't really vibed enough with the team other than during our games which are late night during the work week. Hopefully grab some drinks or something with them later in the season.

Anyways. This has left me putting way too much of an emphasis on dating and women in general. Which has been unhealthy. Obviously I am lonely and crave social interactions, so I tend to focus too much energy on dating and meeting new girls. I have no problem meeting girls on dating apps and getting laid, but it's all unfulfilling and dangerous as I caught oneitis for a bit last year that fucked me up because I had become dependent on the relationship/company.

I live in the Bay Area and I always see big groups of friends doing shit together. I want to create this in my life again.

I miss having my bros around to just fuck around with cars, sports, bbq'n, etc.

Also to add...... no opportunity at my job for socializing. Mostly women around me in an office environment.

Any advice or ppl that have found some solid friends later in life? Seems impossible in your 30s.....


[–]SICFJC 31 points32 points  (2 children)

Holy shit. I just moved to a new city and I'm trying to fill a social void with women as well.

[–]traktor28[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Yeah. I realized I won’t ever be happy until I find other ways of filling that void. I live alone and was even thinking of getting a random roommate because of this, but fuck idk about losing my privacy and solid deal on my 1 bedroom apartment.

[–]TheShearerComplex 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Join a few clubs whether that’s climbing, MMA, CrossFit, improv, football (soccer), great way to make Male friends.

[–]2SirKolbath 35 points36 points  (6 children)

I think you’re doing the right thing to have joined a team. Bear in mind that the more slowly you bond with them, the more likely it is to be a bond that lasts.

[–]charlo100 1 points1 points [recovered]

Can you elaborate on why?

[–]MisunderstoodAsian 12 points13 points  (3 children)

Idk why, but all I know is, my closest bros are people I actually disliked at first before gradually getting to know them better lol

[–]matt675 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I think that’s how male friendships tend to go

[–]Jabbermouth 2 points3 points  (0 children)

“Former opponents make the best teammates.”

[–]discohumpty 16 points17 points  (1 child)

Well gonna have to wait a week or so til I post a similar story. I have pretty much the exact story. Just dating to fill the void living in a new city and work mates aren't it. Good on you to join hockey league. I'd say keep joining other clubs to see if you stick with any one.

Hard to give advice because I'm struggling too. But what I've been doing is when dating, really filter out girls who also have little to no friends. I dated a girl for a bit who I sort of made friends with her friends. She had a huge social circle and it was pretty ideal. Unfortunately had to break it off and those friends went with it.

But, after being alone except dating for a year and half, finding a girl who has a huge social network seems like the easiest way to get a social life. Thing is, the SMV value of the girl might have to be a little lower than what you're used to because high SMV girls won't date a guy who doesn't offer them a social life. Unless your SMV is high enough that you aren't hurt with a lack of friends.

[–]traktor28[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yeah I agree with ya. It fucks up my ability to handle my relationships properly not having a social circle of my own. I would basically be joining her life in that case rather than her joining mine.

This could also end up bad if I build some social circle through a girl then shit goes sour and I’m even more rekt from having to break things off with her and the group. Might be worth it though.

[–]Velebit 13 points14 points  (1 child)

It is difficult as fuck. My hayday of making friends was when I was in high school and college. Later on guys just stick with their women and let them define their lives.

It is important to find a scene. It might be a bar, a sport, a place, an art, a hobby. However each scene has it's downsides and men usually get an ego after finding a job in their profession.

[–]Fadeshyy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Later on guys just stick with their women and let them define their lives.

Lollllll. True as fuck tbh.

[–]serious_joe_92 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Same here but I have a gf. You should get some wingmen to go out with at the bars. I used to do that all the time and build deep connections. Sports teams are probably your best bet. Keep going

[–]traktor28[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeah hoping to find a couple single buddies to do this with. I guess I’ll have to join more sports teams. My shoulder is fucked from jiu jitsu when I was younger or else I would join a BJJ gym again.

[–]Wobblewobblegobble 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I realized today that trying to fill a lack of male friends in my life with women was not a good idea. In theory it seemed normal but quickly noticed that I would always focus on trying to fuck every girl that seemed interested which left no room for just a platonic friendship. All in all it’s not healthy to have just plates to fuck instead of just having genuine friendships. Which I’m going to focus on more now.

[–]KeyboardTuba 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Plus its healthy to have some bro's to talk over a flake, rejection, or success, just to get it off your chest. I found myself internalizing my interactions way too much.

[–]terra502 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’ve been in this situation before. One thing I learned that I will pass on is to avoid any class or event where one person just talks to the whole group. not a lot of opportunity to get to know the people around you when you’re all just sitting silently listening to one person upfront. I would include a classroom course, yoga, and most fitness classes in that category. joining a kickball league, a workshop, or a meetup group might be better. *But Meetup tends to attract an ample crazy/homeless/lost type of person today so it’s hit or miss.

[–]KeyboardTuba 2 points3 points  (2 children)

  1. Just moved to a new city, and am filling my social life with going on dates, exclusively through apps. I know I've gotten too reliant on this since I'm taking flakes/rejections harder due to lack of abundance. Once the weather warms up in my city in 2 months I will join a coed kickball league. Theres potential to the mixed bag of male and female friends you can make. It pools from a group of people that are athletic, into drinking/nightlife, and are open to make new friends; all traits I am seeking. I've done this in a city in the past with success (dates, more social events).

[–]traktor28[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Well at least I’m not alone. Basically same story with the women and how I’m feeling, but different sport. I’ll look up kickball in my area. That sounds fun. I used to run that shit in elementary school

[–]KeyboardTuba 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's easy to pickup kickball, so its welcoming to most people.

[–]The_other_bj 2 points3 points  (1 child)

This is disheartening. I’ve actually been wanting to move to another city to build better connections as I feel like all luck has ran out in my own. I guess the grass is never greener

[–]Toxik6 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Take a class? Or workshops? I’ve meet some cool people in school.

[–]Besthater 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Meetup.com

[–]NeDictu 1 point2 points  (2 children)

w

[–]traktor28[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Oakland, CA

[–]jackandjill22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hm.

[–]DeatCoreBoy1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same here bro. I'm even thinking of going back to my hometown. After a year, I have no strong social circle and culture is so different here. The only thing different is that I still struggle meeting girls and tend to develop ONEitis almost every time which leaves me always devastated!