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How do I learn to change?

I know these behaviors are wrong. I know they are part of the reason my life is so destroyed. But I literally can't help how my brain is wired. I have no control over these emotions or the way I think, it just happens.

I crave approval and admiration. I never finish anything I set my mind to. I like to draw and if I'm drawing something, I'm posting pictures of the half-finished drawing on social media for approval and usually never even finish it.

I can't hold down a Job, I have no dedication or will power, I get emotional over the dumbest shit, I get severe oneitis for girls very easily. I'm always way more attached to them than they are to me and losing them hurts me deeply.

I gossip about people, I flip flop on my "diet", I can't maintain friendships, I'm just an all around deeply fucked up individual. I feel like I literally don't know how to be a man. It's so bad that I've actually developed a sexual fetish of women being mean to me.

If I can't figure out a way to start changing my ways I'm probably going to kill myself before 30 because I can't spend an entire lifetime like this.

[–]ImLitC0lN 94 points95 points  (1 child)

Quit social media and focus on a routine, like your diet. DO IT, but don't do everything at once it all comes with time. It only gets easier you just have to get it done.

[–]iwviw 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Also get a gym buddy/ mentor. People like op need guidance and someone to follow until he can spread his wings and fly on his own

[–]whuttupfoo 43 points44 points  (4 children)

You’re too comfortable. You literally have to do things you resist 24/7.

Flip flopping on a diet? Because you don’t like it? Fucking push through that resistance, every hour of the day, for the rest of your life.

You can’t hold down a job? Push through that resistance for eternity.

You really have to look at it like a life or death situation. If you let that resistance take over once, you’ll fuck the routine up.

Modern society is making life seem like its paradise, that there aren’t any immediate threats like getting snagged by a lion, or not eating for days. Even though these things aren’t happening life is still fucking ruthless and nature will eliminate the weak willed when it can. The battle went from survival of the wilderness, to the survival in a psychological war field. You literally have to gear up and fight a shit ton of distractions every hour of the day for the rest of your life in modern society. Comfortability is the enemy.

[–]bootruman 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I like what you said about the battlefield shifting from the physical realm to the psychological realm. We are literally at risk of ourselves now. Consumption and comfort are the new perils...

[–]resnine 9 points10 points  (1 child)

The problem here and with all these types of guys is they have no will-power and potentially more importantly discipline in their lives. It's a real epidemic. Men are growing up without fathers, playing video games, masturbating, and have absolutely no structure to their life. You can have all the DESIRE in the world to want to change -- it is not going to be the motivating factor to get you off your ass and work. There is no fire lit under his ass. The reason he doesn't change is because he doesn't have to. He just has that itch deep inside him telling him that he knows what he is currently is wrong. Sub-consciously he doesn't want to be a better man.

He needs tough-love. The greatest truths in my life were revealed to me in my hardest times. So to your original point, he is too comfortable. Once he has it tough then life will sculpt him into a more efficient human, sink or swim, survival of the fittest.

[–]AnotherAffan_Khan 1 point2 points  (0 children)


[–]moonunit0103 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You are too comfortable living in your mom's house, and she may seen you as a surrogate husband which is emotionally abusive. Things are too easy living under her roof. Mama birds push the baby birds out if the nests so they can learn to fly. Human Mama like having adult children around, so you will never learn to fly.

Check out Redonkulas on YouTube. He grew up with a single mother, and the army made a man out of him. He has good insight on young men and how to grow a set.

[–]FKaroundNfindOUT 29 points30 points  (1 child)

How do I learn to change?

Follow this link and learn about monk mode. You need a period of resetting and relearning what is true, right and valuable.

I know these behaviors are wrong. I know they are part of the reason my life is so destroyed. But I literally can't help how my brain is wired. I have no control over these emotions...

You literally can and it's beautiful.

[–]conk2000 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I agree with this, but I also encourage OP to look into intentional fasting as a habit. It helps "reset and relearn" your body and mind, and helps you realize what has been indoctrinated in you versus your actual potential.

Google Dr. Jason Fung or Cole Robinson (invented the fasting protocol called "Snake Diet").

Gotta empty the glass before you try to fill it with something else...

[–]modimian 117 points118 points  (9 children)

Good , you have inherited the psychology of women . Now try to adapt the masculine essence . With both in your armory you will be unbeatable in psychology. It will take time . Women cannot fight when their own tactics are used against them . Also you probably have histrionic personality disorder . Turn that into narcissism

[–]SilenceOnTheWire 29 points30 points  (5 children)

Do you reckon the greatest manipulators start out as this guy and then develop a more masculine personality as well, and end up being a mix of both?

Are you like that?

[–]zamahx 13 points14 points  (4 children)

Law 48. Assume formlessness.

[–]SilenceOnTheWire 1 point2 points  (3 children)

It sure confuses the hell out of people.

[–]resnine 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Sure is a good position to have cause no one can attack you for "this" or "that" when you are formless. You can't attack what isn't tangible.

[–]SilenceOnTheWire 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Indeed, and the best thing is that if people like you enough they will just project whatever they like onto you. They literaly do the job for you.

[–]resnine 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's true too. Heck, listen to any politician they use this same tactic. They almost never answer any questions directly because they know how that shit can be twisted and used against them. Less is more.

[–]lookoutitscaleb 3 points4 points  (0 children)

How would one go about turning histronic personality disorder into narcissism?

[–]furoshus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very true

[–]CriticalSoldier -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Why on earth would you suggest someone that's having such a hard time to turn into a narcissist?

[–]SkankHuntL89 25 points26 points  (1 child)

Hang around men, and I mean men.

The only real man time I ever get (I work in IT) is when I’m in the MMA gym. Take up BJJ if you don’t like being punched in the face.

[–]iwviw 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This !

[–]scanfan2022 22 points23 points  (0 children)

A solid red pilled father figure is so important in a kid's life.

[–]achelliuss 20 points21 points  (0 children)

If your psyche was just like a woman’s, then you wouldn’t even be here asking that question. Go lift something heavy and self reflect a little more.

[–]myoclonicdork 39 points40 points  (1 child)

Raised by a single mom here too. The only way I learned was to get hurt repeatedly until it was cemented into my thick skull that I wasn't taught right. Just keep fucking up, you'll get there eventually.

[–]resnine 9 points10 points  (0 children)

This is me. You realize all the things you were taught on so many levels are flat out wrong. Repeatedly failing with women...and wondering why. Repeatedly failing in social settings around men...and wondering why. Wondering why I kept being taken advantage of, talked over, talked down to, controlled, manipulated.

Men and women have very different motivations in their lives which shapes their perspectives. When a man takes on the female mindset it spells doom.

[–]miketech18 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Admitting all of that about yourself means you are half way cured.

I suggest buying a motorcycle and take a road trip for a week. Sounds like you need new friends that will help you stop acting like a women.

[–]resnine 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He's going to need way more than that. It's great he has admitted things. But these traits are so ingrained in him from years of parenting and conditioning giving approval to his female behavior. Everyday forward now has to be about developing a masculine frame of mind.

[–]MrFiles 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Quick answer, go to the complete opposite side of the spectrum. Once there for a bit you will find the middle.

Yes the position you're at may suck but remember to use this as an advantage don't think of it as holding you back

[–]Governor_Humphries 65 points66 points  (12 children)

You lack discipline and masculine role models. Have you considered the military ever? You'll find both there.

[–]USSRMCDSCC 33 points34 points  (2 children)

Not everyone is cut out for the military, but I have to agree with this notion. You will indeed find discipline and masculine role models in the military.

[–]MegladonBass 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Talk to an army recruiter

[–]vtagler 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You could accomplish the same by doing MMA or something of the sorts

[–]youngbull24 6 points7 points  (6 children)

Don’t join the military for discipline op that’s a awful idea . You join the military if your passionate about defending you country . You change by being real with yourself you are self aware enough to know the problems you have . Now be man enough to fix it cause nobody will for you . Being self aware is the hardest part in my opinion most people go through life not knowing their fucked

[–]sixseven89 9 points10 points  (2 children)

As a military member, albeit for less than a year, this guy is an idiot. You learn real discipline from the day you walk in. Sure, you have to be willing to defend and die for your country, but that's relatively unlikely. It will be great for you if you're joining in order to find an identity and fix yourself. The military work only helps to do that, and it builds a strong brotherhood culture.

[–]youngbull24 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I’m not doubting that but the military isn’t cut off for everyone and is a long time commitment for you life . You could teach yourself Discipline in a year if you really want it without joining the military. You don’t need the military to learn that , he could get to the military and hate it and feel stuck afterwards that’s why I wouldn’t recommend the military to HIM . In no way was I trying to shit on military

[–]sixseven89 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m not doubting that but the military isn’t cut off for everyone and is a long time commitment for you life .

yeah that's the risk, but I think it's worth it especially for someone who wants to improve on TRP principles

You could teach yourself Discipline in a year if you really want it without joining the military.

lol you make it sound easy.

You don’t need the military to learn that

It makes it a hell of a lot easier

In no way was I trying to shit on military

yeah no worries, I just think you had the wrong idea

[–]ChadTheWaiter100 8 points9 points  (2 children)

I don’t think most people who join the military are “passionate about defending your country”; well at least most people who do it in the USA. The military has a plethora of outlets that don’t have a lot to do with “defending your country” directly.

[–]sixseven89 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah a lot of people in the military are willing to fight and defend the country, but it's not at the forefront of their mind.

[–]resnine -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Defending? From what? America is so fucking powerful now. The ideas that we are defending ourselves against these factions is an utter joke. They stand no threat. It's like a human kicking a weak wounded animal at this point.

[–]legospartan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lmao these comments.

I joined because I wanted a steady paycheck and a place to live. I had nothing major going for myself so I made the adult choice to do something with my life so I joined. Plus I wanted to save lives, what’s cooler then that? best decision I’ve ever made.

[–]throwawaybpdnpd 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I used to be like that.... take it as an advantage that you know how women feel and act

Now, go work on yourself to unwire/rewire your brain with better pathways, I recommend CBT and DBT (cognitive/dialectical behavioral therapy)

Been there, done that; it takes patience and hard work but you seem to already be on the right path

Good luck brother !

[–]slappywhyte 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Get a dog and take it for a long walk every day, if you don't have one. Seriously .

Also, keep in mind that the winter is rough on a lot of people, try to get some sun if possible.

[–]W_O_M_B_A_T 7 points8 points  (0 children)

My life is all fucked.

I'm just an all around deeply fucked up individual.

Kid, unless you're homeless, have an extensive petty crime record, and/or injecting crack and heroin, you're probably doing just fine. You've got some emotional issues but you're not an actual fucktard. Calm your titties down.

Step 1) Stop indulging in self-pity and self-loathing. There is almost nothing less worth your thought and energy. Scratching your ass is truly a better investment of your time, energy and thought.

Don't ever pity yourself, and stop asking other people to do it.

I'm posting pictures of the half-finished drawing on social media for approval

Step 2) delete your social media accounts. Cut that crap out.

Pick up some of your old drawings and finish them.

People who are good artists get there because about 8:10 or more of what they make is shitty art they wouldn't want to show to anyone, and only sometimes do they make things that are cool.

Start making crappy drawings. Don't be afraid to make junk art and finish, when it looks like garbage to you. Oh well, finish it anyway, then file it away somewhere. Don't like how it's turning out? Oh well, finish anyway, don't be a baby.

[–]architectintx 3 points4 points  (0 children)

"I have no control over these emotions or the way I think, it just happens"...thats just a msiguided belief of yours.

You have to understand that beneath all the emotions.logic and what not a brain is a simple physical structure. It operates on the basis of "beliefs" thats it, quite simple.

And there are two parts to it that constitute your mind. The "thinking" brain or the fast brain and the "observer" brain or the slow brain. The observing brain listens to your thoughts and makes judgements about you based on the input from your thinking brain.

Change/challenge your beliefs...and you will realize that almost 70% of them are not even true. So my 2 cents would be.. take a pen and paper, write down all your beliefs that you said in your post, and go about challenging after the other and see where you stand, let the chips fall where they may. But in the process of you crosschecking them, you will change, you will become a man with a new paradigm...and thats truly empowering. Try it and lets talk again about how you feel after this little experiment.

[–]Josh42A 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think you will be able to turn this around what you need is to quit social media and set goals for yourself follow the teachings of Jordan Peterson start by cleaning up your living area and setting small attainable goals that will eventually add up to you changing to be more what you want. Take everything one small step at at time for example limit yourself to a specific amount of time on social media a day and ween you self off it little by little. and I don't mean to be rude by this at all but if you truly lack dedication or will power you wouldn't even be able to kill yourself so that gives you more time to fix what you dislike about yourself. Dedication and determination come from discipline you will only be as disciplined as you want to be only you can make you change.

[–]peacemakerzzz 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Bro, I feel you. I grew up with a single mom. My father left mom, I hated him but in hindsight he was alpha. I learned the beta way. It was really difficult. Being taught how to be a ‘nice guy’. Being told that you shouldn’t date women only when you’re old enough. Heck, my mother even asked if I could be a priest, in a joking manner of course.

It was difficult not having a father figure. Only years later I found some good people that led me to the TRP knowledge that we have today. It helped me get some frame of the entire situation. Hated my father my whole life. Now I just understand things that way it is.

What I want to say to you is: you control how you should view your life. With a TRP mindset things just get better. Accept the truth and see it for what it is. From there, you adapt.

[–]eceme98 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Man, I swear I’m exactly like you. My father was around, but I was really close to my mother. She “protected me from bullies” when in reality I was the problem. I’m still miles away for truly applying all the things I’ve learned in this subreddit, but I’m starting with the basics. Like the posts above said: leave social media if it is affecting you so negatively. Lift, and read the books recommend by the subreddit.

[–]mrHappyPotatoe 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Go full mgtow for 5 years.

Are you living alone? If not do everything in these 5 years to achive your own living space.

No tv. Delete social media accounts. Can keep (facebook)messenger for keeping in touch with friends and stuff. Gym. Any. Or get i to routine to exervise and eating healthy.

And if u want to go extra mile try meditation.

Give yourself decipline with these few things. You cant change overnight. You have to replace bad habbits with something else and only 1 thing at a time. Otherwise u stress your brain out and fall back into old routines.

[–]Ekhochambeer 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Stop saying ‘I can’t do this...’ or ‘My life is all fucked’, and stop blaming it on your mum too. Saying these things arent helping at all, even if they might be true. You won’t get anything productive done if before you do it you say ‘Because I was raised by a single mum I can never do anything’.

Instead say to yourself ‘I am going to do this to the best of my ability and I won’t stop until I am done.’ You can control your thinking and emotions AND actions especially. I don’t know how this shit works but stop thinking pussy thoughts and start thinking winner thoughts.

[–]soulmysold 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You can reprogram yourself, if you will it.

[–]deltron80 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Go to therapy, start listening to good content on youtube to try to change your mindset - Jesse Lee Peterson, Stefan Molyneux call-in shows, etc.

[–]TheStumblingWolf 2 points3 points  (0 children)

For me one of the key things was this:

1) Realizing it (I was also raised by a single mom)

2) I have a good friend that, although female, has helped me tremendously in becoming more masculine.

3) Finding the red pill community has been instrumental in becoming a man. I'm still working on it of course, as self improvement never finishes.

[–]Melanoma_man 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Start lifting

[–]RedPillAlphaBigCock 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Great news - all you have to do is the opposite of everything you wrote

This is all you need:

[–]Totsean 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Try BJJ.

[–]bootruman 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Appreciate the brutal self assessment. Lifting helps boost overall mood and self confidence first and foremost. If you feel weak or emasculated, a solid gym session will have you feeling much better than you did before.

As for the rest... I think you have a firm understanding of what your issues are and now you just need to work on each thing bit by bit.

I cannot tell you how to be more determined. If you really want something you will work for it, if you don’t work for it, you just don’t want it that bad. Do not lie to yourself. Do not feel sorry for yourself - that is a cancerous mindset. Do your best all the time, be uncomfortable, and remember that this alone does not guarantee success. Trying again and again over long periods of time leads to success.

There is no spark or insightful moment that leads to developing your character, it is just alot of effort over a long period of time and accepting the shittyness that comes with it.

You cannot control your thoughts but you can change your environment (and thus what thought come to mind) and plan things out. You are not your thoughts. You are how you behave in your environment. You cannot control your feelings but you can control how you act on them.

Think very hard about who you want to be, imagine that version of you, and start acting like that person. Hold yourself accountable: did you just do something you know you shouldn’t have done? Instead of feeling bad about it, immediately try to reconcile that fault. I spend the majority of my day doing things that aren’t fun, things that will put be in a better situation tomorrow than I was today. It all comes back to whether you WANT something or it would just be nice to have.

So, last example: do you WANT a girlfriend, our would it be nice to have one? If you really want one then you would have to become a person that a girl would actually want to date. Play less video games, workout, build up communication skills and confidence. You might have to change up alot of things in your life to be boyfriend material, but do not make the mistake of mixing up your identity with your habits and thoughts. Your identity is the choices you make.

[–]SaucySasquatch 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was also raised by a single mom. I know the certain behaviors are tough to relearn and re-wire in your brain, It helps to have a masculine roll model or someone to teach you. Listen to joe rogan, jordan Peterson, even elliott hulse’s old videos are all very resourceful. Take baby steps with these things and work on improving yourself even .01% each day and be mindful of your progress. It will help you to stop seeking approval from others for the work you have done. This is something I still need to work a lot on too.. but its not anything we can’t re-teach ourselves. We just need to be patient

[–]traveling_introvert 1 point2 points  (0 children)

-martial arts


-intramural sports

-weight training


Good luck.

[–]rockyp32 1 point2 points  (0 children)

you can rewire your brain but it seems like you have to force it for a prolonged period of time. the longer you push the more it starts to shift

[–]dokks 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I would say you're deep in puberty and learning who you are. You're not a deeply fucked up person, what you're going through is normal and healthy.

The part that ISN'T healthy is the victim attitude you're displaying. Blaming your mother for your behavior is not taking responsibility for being the person you want to be and gives you an excuse.

Owning your own shit is the first step in becoming a well adjusted man.

[–]nathanissleepy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

step 1. stop blaming it on being raised by a single mother

[–]mrpoopistan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

> It's so bad that I've actually developed a sexual fetish of women being mean to me.

Sounds like someone needs to get himself a Fetlife account and steer into the problem. :-P

More seriously, tho . . .

I was raised by a legitimately widowed alpha widow. My dad died at either 64 or 66, depending on whether you believe the state of Oklahoma or the U.S. Army. (Apparently lied about his age to get into the Army.) He died when I was 5 because he was still making kids at that age. My mom, his second wife, was 27 when they made me.

One of the first "Aha!" TRP moments for me when when I why realized my mom married my dad. More importantly, it was when I realized my mom was an alpha widow. She never remarried, and honestly she barely gave any guy the time of day after my dad died.

Despite her constant claims that she hated him, I will say that no man has ever lived until he has gotten the Paul Bunyan level retellings of his glories like she did about my dad. He was still getting into fistfights well into 50s. He never met anyone he wasn't willing to tell off.

I remember years before I found TRP asking my mom why she married him. Her answer was surprisingly simple: he was the first person who had ever told her mom to go fuck herself.

> I feel like I literally don't know how to be a man.

It took me a while to realize that my mom could never tell me how to be a man. Like, late 20s.

My big breakthrough was when I realized that my mom had largely told me nothing of real value on the subject except for the stories about my dad. As aspie-tarded as it sounds, it literally had never crossed my mind that her hatred of my dad and her penchant for telling hamsterish stories literally arose from the same source. She literally wanted to fuck this rough dude twice her age because she hated him and it didn't bother him a bit.

> it just happens.

This story about thinking like a woman checks out.

First thing you need to do is forgive your mother. And then do the forget part of forgive and forget. She didn't mean to fuck you up, and it's your masculine duty to recognize that and not hold it against her. She taught you to be a woman because that's what she knows how to do.

Dwelling on your mom wins you nothing. Trust me. If you need one last outburst to get it out of your system, my advice is to cut deep and cut once. After that, it's over. She's forgiven as long as she knows the rules going forward.

Second thing is learn to take control of the outcomes in your life. That's the major difference between men and women in our society. Life is something that just happens to women. Life is something men make happen. Right or wrong, that's how the fuck it is.

The third thing you need to do is start taking control of your life in small, daily moves.

Get your finances tightened up first. Nothing good is going to happen without a solid foundation.

Itemize the skills you're missing. Conduct a full fucking inventory. If it's approaching, practice talking to everyone you meet. If it's projecting confidence, work on building up your body's core strength and fix your posture. Study power poses once you tighten that all up.

Don't be afraid to use some of those woman skills. For example, my mother basically trained me to be an emotional tampon from the time my dad died. Horrible and potentially crippling thing to do to a kid (hint: the term in psychology is emotional incest).

Funny thing about that, though. I'm gifted at getting women to feel connection with me, and I do believe I owe that to my mom . . . however fucking weird that all was.

Over time, with a strong masculine presence and an ability to make women feel heard, you'll be fucking catnip to women. Nothing quite throws them for a loop like that contradiction. Embrace it, because women eat that shit up.

[–]Velebit 5 points6 points  (8 children)

Most of that is not because of lack of father, you probably have shit score on big 5 and that is hereditary.

Join a religion.

[–]ahackercalled4chan 17 points18 points  (4 children)

the religion of the Iron Bar

[–]carbonhexoxide 4 points5 points  (2 children)


[–]sixseven89 1 point2 points  (1 child)

i chuckled

[–]Flintblood 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I will show you the whey.

[–]iwviw 0 points1 point  (1 child)

What does shit score on big 5 mean?

[–]Velebit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That you have an 'employment resistant presonality' for example. Or that you are much more likely to have friends and sex.

Those traits are very stable and heritable.

In general if you are an outlier, you should not live normally because you will never be or feel right trying it.

Better join a circus, army, cult, traveling band, fishing boat or something like that. Probably also best to forget about a standard monogamous family for some profiles.

You simply are not made for a normal pleb job due to your mind being unusual.

If you asking how would a shit score on big 5 look like: extreme introversion, disagreeableness, lacks conscience, extremely closed minded and extremely neurotic...

Some of these had evolutionary benefits (lacking conscience probably worked great in wild west or during cave man times... kill your dad, rape your sister... you are an evolutionary win... slaughter enemy tribe, take their women... another win, exploit slaves, you win again).

Introversion was also evolutionarily beneficial (avoid that foreign hb8 who will eat or enslave you or give you fleas or plague, you win)

Today, society needs quite a narrow set of paychological profiles to be efficient. Some mean you are just fucked. Even if you act out something else, you will not really enjoy it.l

[–]Original_Username7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fuck religion. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.

[–]TheLoneProspector 1 point2 points  (0 children)


[–]drnaline 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Things change with time, it's a good sign that you recognized it now work with that. RP says lifting, eating healthy, engaging in martial sports, just something that makes you feel like a man does the job. It's true that drawing and stuff is more feminine so balance that.
Iron that you need my friend. Killing yourself isn't an option

[–]ChadTheWaiter100 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You just have to do some research here and continuously internalize the material. You wouldn’t change overnight under any circumstances. You just have to be consciously aware of the feminization and when you do notice it you correct it. You practice masculinity in real life until eventually it becomes second nature. Be patient with yourself but be persistent.

[–]Pooddit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Set a goal to lift weights and stick to it. Many obstacles will present themselves along the way and overcoming them will make you more secure and effective as a man. You might need some meds like buspar to help you out. Eat your meat and veggies and take your vitamins.

[–]Original_Username7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You can do this man, I used to be in a similar place. You said it yourself, your brain is wired the way it is Right now. Well, this wiring is changeable, through being mindful of it. Active work on your thinking about things. Learn about stoicism. Subscribe to and absorb manly/masculine podcasts/YouTube channels/sub Reddit’s. You identify as a non-masculine male right now, well, believe it or not, you can actually change your identity, how you see yourself. It takes time, but you can do it. Create a journal of thoughts you want to think, write in it, review it every day. This is programming yourself. Create healthy perspective/belief/thought habits.Also, as the ancients wrote, “act to become”, or as we say now days, “fake it till you make it”. When you focus on acting like a man, and doing manly things, and thinking manly thoughts, one day you wake up and realize, “wow, I’m not even faking any more! I’ve become the real deal”. Also, start working on challenging yourself, just a little bit at a time, and praise yourself when you do and when you rise to the challenge. A major essence of being a man is rising to challenges, by learning to be brave and bold, to compete, to be effective. This comes through practice (again, act to be come). Be disciplined, and discipline is ALL about habit. Form habits. Focus on building up your own identity!! You need your own identity and self love so that you can stop needing these from others. Others will be hungry for these things you develop in yourself.

[–]garebear19959 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I was raised by a single really fucks you up as a male growing up without a proper role model.

Isolate what you need to improve.

career goals>self image>other skills

I highly recommend taking up Muay Thai.great exercise and every man should know how to fight properly.

Also use MyFitnessPal app to count 1800 calories a day and ONLY eat what you can count.

[–]resnine 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Self-image is foundational. Foundational to career goals.

[–]management37 0 points1 point  (1 child)

the best man to man advice you can ever get: don't be a pussy. sounds like thats ur problem.

[–]iwviw 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yea a coward. Sounds like he needs to toughen up, join a boxing gym. Get hit a little.

[–]rockyp32 0 points1 point  (0 children)

im in the same boat but lately ive been changing.. atleast i feel like im making progress. Ive been going to the gym 3 times for a week for a month or two and its starting to give me bit of confidence not even from gaining strength mostly from just being disciplined. I was on no fap for a while then i fucked up and now im back on it and feeling great. I just had to have a talk with myself and force my self to go after these healthy habits and slowly they get better.

[–]Endorsed ContributorFeralRed 0 points1 point  (0 children)


Nobody can give it to you. You have to get it for yourself. Kind of like life. What you waiting for?

[–]1rad_dynamic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Start a Diary. Before you sleep each night take 10 mins to plan what you WANT to do tomorrow. You probably won't stick it to it exactly, but it gives you a structure to your life.

[–]CaptainKidd96 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Try finding some kind of father figure and start hanging out with strong men. Also start reading books like No more mr nice guy, the rational male, 48 laws of power, how to win friends and influence people, the art of war, extreme ownership etc. If you spend time on youtube make sure that you don't waste time watching stupid vlogs with people showing everyday regular stuff, instead try finding some good influencers that will teach you some usefull stuff about business, lifting, body language etc. I would also suggest that you start lifting and eating properly and also consider joining some kind of combat type sport like muay thai, bjj or kickboxing.

[–]neverquitman 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When boys grow up with single moms/half orphan then they would be supplemented by lots of love, womanly love.

Thats a thing that you can't control when you grew up, now womanly love isn't bad but you need to develop into yourself, and lead into a path that you want and not that is given to you. Remember respect is not given but earned, same principle to life. If you accept everything that you are given, then you start losing your identity, your purpose.

Now, this is what you can do.

Start small. Build good habits and maintain discipline. Such as making your bed, maintaining hygiene and fitness, even bodyweight.

Then start attacking bigger goals.

Think like a surfer, learn to balance, hit a small wave and then hit the big wave. Otherwise you're going to unbalanced.

If you want to draw, hit some reading on how good artists draw.

Your best bet is google and research.

[–]direfrog 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do something you can be proud of. For example, get on a bicycle and train until you can ride 100 miles, lift, etc. Anyone who is young and in good health can do it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Had a similar problem, no single mum, but she clearly wasn't satisfied with my father and they were at war constantly growing up which taught me to set my needs to one side because I didn't wanna be a burden and I developed severe nice guy syndrome. When I think about my teens and early twenties I want to die from embarrassment and cringe.

You need to realise it's a journey, you don't just unplug and all of a sudden you're an alpha male.

Getting frustrated that you can't change your behaviours right now is useless. Once swallowed, the redpill is digested at varying different rates for different people, but rarely is it a rapid process. I still have a lot of bluepill conditioning and unhealthy behaviours to work through.

No More Mr Nice Guy was a tremendously helpful book in that it helped me become aware of when I am seeking approval etc. I recommend it and keeping a journal where you write down your behaviours, urges and how they made you feel.

[–]Dwayne1001 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, you're really lucky that you already possess the difficult to acquire trait already. I'll be honest that it's going to be easier to get on this side. Easier said than done, but guess what, once you start the rest of way isn't as hard as it looks in the beginning. I'm already in awe of the complete package that you'd be once you get started.

Cheers on becoming the best version of yourself in the time to come.. :)

[–]boy_named_su 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're not fucked. I was in your boat and turned out okay. Takes some time and determination though

I never finish anything I set my mind to

I can't hold down a Job

You should talk to a psychiatrist and see if you have ADHD (without prompting them)

The first thing you need to do is get your mental health in check. Do this TODAY:

  1. Go for a long walk in the day light
  2. Eat some real food (make it at home or from a restaurant that sells quality "comfort" food)
  3. Go to bed early and get a good sleep
  4. Go work out for one set one rep - do more once you get started if you want, but that's all you need to do
  5. Go buy some Omega-3 pills (1,000mg EPA/DHA) and Vitamin D (2000 IU) and take em
  6. Make an appointment with your doctor to get your T tested

Long term, focus on self-reliance. Learn about nutrition. Figure out where to get deals on food, how to store food correctly. Buy The Joy of Cooking. Learn to cook, clean up after yourself. Do your own laundry. Clean up your place. Learn to fix your own car. Learn to fight. Shit like that. It's all on youtube

Good luck, you'll be okay

[–]smao815 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sad you are blaming this on your single mother who raised you

[–]Kpwn88 -2 points-1 points  (2 children)

You are a victim. Nothing is in your power to change and your life is fucked forever. Stay in the basement playing world of warcraft and jerking off to porn and don't come out. More pussy for me.

[–]USSRMCDSCC 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Lmao brooo chill

[–]Kpwn88 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Nah man I'm triggered

[–]thesquarerootof1 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

There is one thing I disagree a lot about the Red Pill is that men raised by single mothers have a disadvantage or are blue pilled. I was raised by my mom who was a single mother and my sister (who was 10 years older than me). I consider myself very masculine/Red Pilled and even joined the Army out of high school.

However, it may be important to note that my mother dated military guys (eventually married one when I was 18, still married to him) and I perhaps had an influence from them. I don't know. Anyone's input on this is appreciated.

[–]bootruman 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agreed, I have a friend that does very well in that sense despite being raised by a single mother. We must blame ourselves rather than our circumstances regardless of what kind of childhood we came from.

[–]phoenix_md -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Read Jordan Peterson’s 12 rules for life. It’s a good start in turning your life around