TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

53

I'm from Cuba living in Argentina so, sorry for the typos. Dealing here with massive social anxiety. Raised in a perfectly functional family where I was protected from any awkward situation. I'm a 9/10 and thanks to that I gained some social skills and got laid in the past. I work with clients so I have pretty decent social skills once I start talking. I tend to develop oneitis and I'm always in a scarcity mindset because I can't manage to approach. I've read the sidebar and currently reading the rational male. I've only had LTRs which they have approached me. If I wasn't somewhat physically attractive, I would be probably virgin. I found trp like 5 months ago while getting out of a toxic LTR that I have not been able to fully cut off. The issue is that I have tried to start approaching girls at night clubs and bars. Even tried some day game but I just can't. I have tried hard and hard but It's impossible for me. I'm in a club right now and I've been trying for almost an hour to convince myself to approach this girl who is alone and I just can't. Can't explain exactly why, but I just give up. I say to myself that "it's just another girl in a 11 000 000 population city so wtf... Who cares about what happens. But I can't I'm posting here to know if anybody had dealt before with an approach anxiety as extreme as mine and how got out. Worst Thing is that when I realise that I just can't, I start beating myself up for being such a pussy and I fall into this downward spiral of self-pity. I've tried alcohol but nothing I even struggle to go to a store and talk to the person who sales.

Tl;Dr I'm dealing with an extreme case of approach anxiety and need a push from somebody


[–]Startlivingfornow80 points81 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Social conditioning fucks up the best of us.

Start small by asking for the time or directions. Make your goal 5 or 10 approaches during the day within a timeframe. Then slowly up it to asking directions as well as asking a second question (do you like to eat there?) then add on a non-sexual compliment (nice watch), and eventually go direct once you feel you’re ready.

I’ve done a lot of psych work, and can guarantee you this will work if you stick to it. An easier way might be 5 approaches, then 10, then 15 then add the question and do 5,10,15. At that rate it will take about 12 days before you’re going direct.

Not such a long wait.

After that you can emulate regular day game.

[–]DeatCoreBoy1[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you mate. Sounds like a plan. ;)

[–]manimani187 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yup...nice plan , I should definitely try this.

[–]youwish81 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

eventually go direct once you feel you’re ready

What would i direct one be after asking these questions?

[–]wholewheatdirtydog-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I usually just state my intent by saying "hey I just wanted to say I saw you walking by and you look beautiful" then point something out that you liked such as their hair or Leather jacket

[–]Startlivingfornow0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You look beautiful is something a man of low value would say, as he over values beauty. Try you seem interesting or I dig your style, you’ve got a cute look to you.

In a club, you’re hot is still better than you’re beautiful. Your mad beautiful is probably still better than your beautiful as well, depending on the way you deliver it. Depends on your style too, I guess

[–]neverquitman0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Good, but its finding the WHY thats also hard.

[–]Startlivingfornow0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

There WHY to approach anxiety is simple, it’s an irrational instinct ingrained into us from birth with terms like ‘you like a girl, ew!’, ‘girls don’t like you, ew!’, and ‘don’t talk to strangers!’.

And so we develop this world view that it’s not normal to talk to other people unless they have been formally introduced to us in some way coupled with the fact that being rejected by women is somehow related to your self-worth, and so in order to protect our ego (our self-image) we rationalise all kinds of bullshit until we are paralysed with fear.

When really all you are doing is asking someone else if they would like to have a cup of fucking coffee with you.

[–]2INNASKILLZ2K1822 points23 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Rejection is imminent, it happens to us all. Find a way to not personalise it. No matter what you do, you'll never avoid it. Expose yourself to it...and get used to it, to where you let it slide off your back.

Small steps...

[–]youwish82 points3 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

What is the best way you found to separate yourself from the "personal rejection" feeling?

[–]2INNASKILLZ2K182 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

A few things, mate.

A big thing was just taking all the pressure off. Enjoying a conversation. Developing that outcome independence. It doesn't have to be all about the number, or sex. You don't have to 'try' to hard. If you have a decent level of self confidence in how you speak, you will be in the top ten percent of men for simply approaching. You don't have to sell yourself, or try to win approval. As long as you're not unnayractive, you will already be making an impression.

In terms of rejection, don't make it all about you. People may have a thousand reasons for rejecting. They may be shy, uncomfortable, there may not be a connection, they could have a boyfriend. It's not personal to you. You gotta develop that abundance mentality. They are just a girl, like your little sister. Tell yourself that whatever happens, you can handle it. That's a man, we can handle shit.

More you do this...the less daunting it will be, and women will see that confidence.

I have fun in an approach...I'm genuine about asking her a few questions...and I'm confident in whether she rejects or not. But in having fun, even most rejections are still a fun conversation...and she misses out, not me.

Just do it, before you think about it too much.

[–]DeatCoreBoy1[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

you will be in the top ten percent of men for simply approaching.

Not the case here in Buenos Aires friend. Guys approach girls all the time. In a night club, if there is a girl or a group or girls without men, they get approached by 1 guy every 3 minutes. For real! It's insane!

[–]plenty_of_eesh1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah, Brazil same.

But keep in mind: In those countries, you actually have extra value from not being that "type" of guy. After you approach, you might get into conversation 1 out of 20 times just like those guys, but if you hold on to your natural, thoughtful, interesting self-story while also demonstrating that you're not afraid, and you could talk to anyone you wanted to...

...you suddenly become the rare unicorn of a man that those chicks have been waiting for.

It's a bit of a fine line between pushing yourself to go outside your box while not seeming like the average fuckboi (and maybe as a Cuban in Buenos Aires it would be harder than a Brit in Rio) but try to accentuate any unique Cuban upbringing/experiences...

TL;DR approach approach approach ... and forget about how many other guys are approaching. If it feels like all the other dudes are so much more natural at approaching, that means the approchees have high defensive walls and you can demonstrate uniqueness/value after 3 min of convo that they can't.

[–]DeatCoreBoy1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks man? I'll do that for sure. Didn't think of it this way!

[–]2INNASKILLZ2K181 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Really? Thirsty, lol.

So yeah...I guess you gotta show you're a little different to the desperate.

[–]youwish80 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yea i can tell i struggle with outcome dependence because if I didnt pull then it feels shitty and like a waste of time.
I dont really struggle with approaching but probably trying hard with a hint of winning respect/approval.

They are just a girl, like your little sister.

Thats suspicious mate lol.

People may have a thousand reasons for rejecting.

this is very real and i do try to tell myself this as you never know, but no point in trying to figure out.

[–]2INNASKILLZ2K184 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It sounds to me, like you're really just approaching to 'pull' and that's it. Girls will feel that, it's neediness, being thirsty and only interested in that outcome.

For myself, I know the outcome is out of my control. Therefore, I have to enjoy the process, no matter what happens.

I also try for a balance, between game and being myself. I believe I am utterly good enough as I am, totally attractive and have a presence. Enough that I can be my authentic, real self, with just enough understanding of game so I know what to say and when to say it. When I enjoy just presenting my real self to her...it's usually a good interaction, even if it doesn't end with a close.

But, I put away all thirsty need for one outcome. Women can feel that sort of confidence. Confident enough to put myself out there, but confident enough that I can enjoy the interaction without desperately needing to pull.

[–]BACONisKEWLEST0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This! Enjoy the approach for what it is. People are interesting, and are fun to interact with. THAT is the correct mindset.

[–]actually-guy 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

You feel so much pressure because in that one approach, you expect to: have initial contact -> talk - > impress her -> not mess up -> get her alone -> kiss her -> escalate -> take her home -> not mess up -> be able to Perform -> satisfy her -> create a repeat customer perhaps.

Forget all of that.

You should approach first as a human being, talking to another human being. You are interviewing her to see if she is high quality enough. If not, no harm done, and you can walk away. If she seems cool, then don't worry about that other stuff, trust that your instincts will know what to do.

In other words, in your head, don't expect anything other than a :20 second conversation to find out A) if she's an asshole B) if she's worthy of your time and C) if she's attracted to you. In that order.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good advice

[–]RedPillAlphaBigCock7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

The problem is you are putting too much pressure on yourself.

The solution. Go in with the mindset: I am offering some fun, I am offering a quick chat with a fun guy. If its going well I will stay for a bit - if not no worries, have a great day.

Read magic bullets - if you cant find it online I will send it to you

As far as day game - go into shops with girls and start with asking about something in store - then have a bit of off topic fun and if all goes will get the number

[–]AntiSharp 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

Can you send to me

[–]BadDeath1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

And me

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’ve theorized that, because you are taking care of your needs manually (you masturbate) you know, consciously and subconsciously, that approaching goals for the purpose of sex is pointless and vain. Seriously, if you know that, at the end of the day, you will masturbate and then go to bed, why bother talking to her? And you’re right! There is no point!

But what if your needs aren’t being met? What if you don’t masturbate, and you haven’t had an orgasm in months? Well, now you’re horny, and the natural way to deal with that is to fuck. So, your instincts will force you to approach women and fuck. In the same way, I suppose you also don’t hunt animals, right? And when you see an animal, you don’t instinctively have the desire to kill it and eat it. Right? You just go to the store and buy some meat. But what if there were no stores? And no restaurants? What if the only way you could eat was to hunt those deer, and those cows, and kill them and eat them? Well... eventually those deer would look very tasty, and your instincts would compel you to kill. It’s the same way with girls.

I would say, don’t do anything sexual for two months (no porn, no masturbation, don’t think about sex), then buy some catuaba powder, maca, Muira Puama powder, and yohimbe bark powder. Take those supplements on a daily basis, and tell me if you still don’t want to approach and fuck women. (Trust me, you’ll be hornier than you’ve ever been and you’ll see women totally differently). And then, the trick to get them into bed is to be honest, and focus all of your effort on getting laid. (If a girl was super fun and hot and horny and she ONLY wanted YOU to fuck her, wouldn’t you fuck her? If you were fun and hot and horny and you made it obvious to a girl that you ONLY wanted to fuck HER, don’t you think she would let you fuck her?)

[–]DeatCoreBoy1[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well, I don't watch porn. Only when I was a teenager and just for a few weeks but never been this kind of guy. Also I don't fap. Weir enough but it's true. I used to fap a lot during highschool but I started having LTRs and stopped fapping even before I discovered all this "no fap" thing. Now, As I explained in my post, I'm physically attractive so it's not like I've been without an orgasm for months. It's just that I want to stop relying on girls to approach me and start taking the lead, because usually the girls that approach me are not the prettiest and they are somehow "easy" if you know what I mean.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My advice is... continue fucking the ugly girls lol.

[–]gigolobob3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Try to think about WHY you are feeling approach anxiety. For me its the fear that I’ll run out of things to say.

[–]DeatCoreBoy1[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Among many things, I believe that what's bugging me the most is that I thing I'm bothering her.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No you aren't. Women love attention. Just like a woman would think she is bothering a man of she rides his dick. Nonsense. Men love to fuck. Just like women love being approached. Just learn to notice when they aren't open to interaction (like having earbuds in their ears) or something. But most of the time they love it.

[–]PM_ME_CHILL_MUSIC2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This video is good for motivation https://youtu.be/nS8FT6jbI1Y

[–]StopGaming12341 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Indeed a good video for motivation. Shows that you actually can have almost no looks and still score with actually hot looking girls. I admit I don't get how he does it while looking like a 5/10, but he looks tall and seems to be outgoing, so atleast he has that going.

[–]icecruzader2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Busca cold aproach pick up. Me arreglo la vida de muchas formas. Salí un jueves a las 4 de la tatdr a un boulevard y me ase 5 horas forzandome a hablar con chicas que me parecían lindas. Mis pelotas crecieron 5 tallas como el corazón del grinch ese día.

Me cagaba de miedo cada vez pero me decía que era una basura por cada una que no intentaba. Poco a poco, cada vez que lo hacía aprendía más y me aprendía sobre las cosas sutiles que me limitaban.

Te recomiendo los videos de RSD en YouTube.

Fuera de eso los otros problemas me parecen más sobre tu mente. Osea la solución sería meditar fuera de ir hacia lo que te da miedo. Te dejaría no atacarte a ti mismo porque una cosa es que la cagues y otra es que te hagas mierda por cagarla. Eso solo es self talk destructivo.

[–]DeatCoreBoy1[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Gracias amigo. RSDMax & Tyler son como mí radio mientras le doy a American Truck Simulator. Voy a ver dónde encuentro Cold Approach Pickup.

[–]icecruzader0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Tyler tiene de eso.

[–]DeatCoreBoy1[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

En realidad iba a poner Max y Julien. No resueno del todo con Tyler aunque he visto un par de videos.de.el también.

[–]icecruzader2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Tiene el mejor cold aproach técnico de todos, Jeffy y Luke me han sido los más útiles ero tienen algo para todos

[–]Melanoma_man2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’ve also recently had oneitis from a work colleague... A HB8. Blew it last night due to losing frame. Drank way too much. She called me a fuck boy and said I need to try harder.

I walked her to her car and cuddled and jumped into a cab feeling like a fucking loser.

Can’t win them all. I’m going to read the side bar again at a slower pace this time.

If you’re a 9/10 then it should be easy for you. Just keep practicing approaching women.

[–]izzyinjurious1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've been hanging out with some pick up artists to avoid this. I am not PUA cause I think my time is more valuable than women, but they taught me something useful. Approach the ugly girls first anywhere no matter how ugly then go hotter and hotter. On top of that you'll have social proof and girls around you and their friends. Builds confidence. Been working for me after awhile you'll start hitting on cuter and cuter girls without to start from low to high.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My approach anxiety is so crippling it even affects my ability to approach guys and I'm straight. I just let people come to me if they wanna talk.

[–]DeatCoreBoy1[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It really sucks bro! I feel ya!.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Like I went to a magic the gathering tournament in a new city, and the place was packed with dudes who like the same thing I like, no girls, and I couldn't even say hi. I just sat there and messed around with my cards until someone approached me for a trade.

[–]DeatCoreBoy1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Similar had happen to me several times in the past. What I am doing is trying to meet new people through friends and build up my confidence a little bit this way. After that, I'll work on approaching.

[–]meshugamd2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Stop maaterbating so much

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Maaaaaaaterbating!

Stop baiting mates!

[–]fds_11 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Seriously tho OP, not jacking off helped me with my social anxiety

[–]DeatCoreBoy1[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

What's "maaterbating"?

[–]BadDeath1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Jerking off too much (specially to porn)

[–]DeatCoreBoy1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh! O don't do it. Seriously, never did it. Just for a period in highschool.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2024. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter