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Anxiety and Awareness in Parenting (self.RedPillParenting)

submitted by [deleted]

TL;DR Parents lose control and break frame in their relationships with their kids when they let their anxiety overtake them. Influence, rather than control, children by practicing consistency, setting boundaries, and creating space for children to grow.

In his excellent book, ScreamFree Parenting, Hal Runkel says that being in charge as a parent means inspiring our children to motivate themselves. We are seeking to influence them, not control them.

The problem is, for myself, at least, even if I am holding my own when it comes to leading my wife, my kids can set off a wave of anxiety that defeats me. Often, this anxiety is a projection of my own fears of failure.

  • Can't find Johnny on the playground, so I blow up when he finally comes around from behind the fort? I projected my fear of not being accountable for my kids.
  • Suzy's room is a disaster so I turn red-faced yelling at her to clean it? A projection of my anxiety over things I can't control in my own life.
  • Davey won't eat his dinner so I threaten and manipulate him into finally doing so? I just projected my fear and anxiety of not having control over other people onto him.

How much of our failed discipline and parenting approaches are based in fear and anxiety and failure? Instead, we should focus on creating space for our kids to grow, motivating them through our influence, and setting boundaries that will teach them consequences. Becoming more aware of ourselves and how/why we react the way we do will enable us to become better parents.

The other night, my son was doing his homework. He got hung up on the last page, where he needed to write the author of a book we had just read. He took a long time, wrote the first name too large (and didn't have space to write the last name). I told him to write the last name underneath the first name. He began to write the first name over again. Frustrated and anxious, I yelled at him about doing it wrong and hurrying up. When I analyzed it later, I was afraid that he was staying caught up in class, that his writing was slow, improper and poor, and that this would create problems for him. I was anxious that maybe he wasn't at the top of his class for writing (which is where I naturally see him). That's a lot of anxiety projected on to him for him to bear. I didn't give him permission to grow into it. I ladled him with my expectations.

In ScreamFree Parenting, Runkel talks about the personal and business sides of parents. He refers to the business side as "setting the table," and the personal side as eating the dinner. The table gets set, but how one eats and enjoy the dinner (and the components thereof) are up to the individual. Setting the table involves * Creating space for children to grow, in such ways as respecting their space and choices (i.e., their choice not to clean their room) * Releasing my anxiety over such things as their messy room, my need to know how they feel or why they did something * Let them disagree with me and struggle to learn or do something * Set consistent boundaries with consequences I am willing to enforce and abide by

For example, Johnny won't clean his room. Normally, my anxiety over the mess (which is really my anxiety over something else) leads me to order, manipulate, threaten or yell at him until he begrudgingly cleans it. Following the above advice, I let him know that his space is his space. He doesn't have to clean his room. But there are boundaries: friends are not allowed in to play if there is no room to sit or to play; and I am not going to clean it for him. There are consequences that he can struggle with if he chooses not to take care of his own space.

Becoming aware of ourselves and our responses is key. Parenting is leadership. Leadership is influence. No one likes a manipulative leader; neither will our kids. As we grow in self-awareness, we will also grow as parents.


[–]dunacpl2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If you lose your cool, make sure you acknowledge it to your kid. I've lost my cool once where I just raised my voice and my expression must have been something my kid had never seen from me. As soon as I saw those eyes... I immediately said: 'I'm sorry I should not have done that. I am tired but that's no excuse.' When you expect your kids to follow your boundaries, you must follow your own too. Saying sorry does not do ANYTHING. Just make sure they know you snapped and that you crossed the boundary you have set.

It also made me realize forcing your kid to say sorry to other kids when they are say under 5 years old makes no sense. They have no clue what it means.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Solid points.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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