I am a little over two years into my Red Pill journey and I feel like it's time to take stock. I think the Red Pill main sub quarantine has made my old account unusable for mobile, so I created a new one. But I guess creating a new identity for yourself every now and then is just a good thing.

I'm 47, married, wife 43, three kids 14, 13 and 6. (BTW, even though my English is pretty good, it is not my first language. There may be some weird phrases here and there, so bear with me.) Over the past two years, I have made a lot of progress in many areas in my life. I have read the sidebar, some books several times. I have also read plenty of other books on PUA, Stoicism, personal finance etc. For me, finding Audible was a game-changer. I highly recommend it. In general, I understand most of the central RP concepts and I can apply them relatively well to my own life.

I am lifting three times a week. In the summer, I went to the gym even more than that, up to six times a week, but during the busy working months three per week is the most I can do. (I also notice that 5 or 6 times a week is too much for me in terms of recovery). I'm not the most jacked guy but I'm doing good. I found a good PT, and now I work with him once a month, currently on my squat and deadlift technique (lots of back problems and small injuries in the past).

During the Christmas time last year, I understood I was building muscle but I still didn't look the way I wanted. Since the new year, I have become increasingly conscious about my diet. I dropped all sugar and decreased my overall carb intake. Since the summer, I have dropped most alcohol, now drinking only on occasional social events. Since the new year, I have lost 10 kg (that's 22 lb. for you Americans) and I was never that fat to start with. The veins are starting to pop as I am now approaching the low two-digit body fat. People are noticing.

An important part of my RP progress has been Buddhist meditation. I used to do it in my youth but then had a long, long break. Right after encountering Red Pill, I decided I needed to start doing it again. I am now meditating pretty much daily. In the summer, I attended a ten-day meditation retreat, something that I am going to make an annual tradition of. I think the most important thing meditation has brought me is a kind of a confidence in myself or a relaxation into being myself. This is something I have very much struggled in the past.

A rewarding single event for me was this year's summer holiday. I took my family to a slightly unusual foreign country for a total of 16 days. I initiated the whole thing and took care of most of the details, but I also sought input from my wife on some things. As an example, I let my wife and the eldest kid choose one of the accommodations from a few options on Airbnb pre-selected by me. Overall, the holiday was a perfect combination of luxury and adventure and the kids still talk about it pretty much every week. I have now started to plan the next summer's holiday, this time to a more urban environment, just to change things up a bit.

The things mentioned above are the good things. Things I have made considerable progress on. What are the not-so-good things or the things I still need to change?

I still constantly compare myself to other men. In a way, it is not always necessarily a bad thing to be inspired by others or to learn from others' example. But I feel I often do this comparing in an unhealthy way.

Even on this board, I feel that other men come here after me and in less than a year they are already banging their now suddenly hot and willing wife in the ass or, alternatively, their hot new girlfriend or, alternatively, both, while also attending powerlifting competitions over the weekends. I do realize this is not the whole truth, just a perception. And even if it were true, it is not my life nor is other men's success in any way my loss. I know I should rejoice in others' successes and sometimes I even manage to do so. But somehow it often also exposes this nagging feeling inside me of inferiority and not being enough.

Another challenge is that I am not a particularly fun guy at home. I often take things oh so seriously. It is kind of weird, since I can be fun with my friends and my colleagues and also goof around with my six-year old daughter. But something in my own approach to my home life and my marriage often drags me down. I really should lighten up and do more fun things by myself and with others.

Financially, I'm nowhere near where I would like to be. I feel somewhat stuck in my main profession. There are little opportunities for promotion or progress and I feel my heart is not in it anymore. I have managed to increase my yearly income a lot, but this is because of a couple of side hustles I am able to do. This, in turn, means that I often work long hours and on weekends. I'm kind of OK doing this, but at the moment I feel I don't have clear goals or a sense of going forward. And even more so, I don't have that much to show for all my efforts. What comes in, goes out, pretty much immediately.

I come from a childhood of financial struggles and somehow, I have not been able to rise above it. Even though I make a decent income, I still live pretty much hand-to-mouth. I have managed to transform my money into meaningful experiences, such as the summer holiday and the retreat mentioned above or the cool car I just bought. What I haven't done is transform money into security and a long-term vision. Also here, I feel that a lack of direction is a key factor. I kind of know what I'm supposed to do but I'm not doing it fully.

And then there's the sex. Things are much, much better than what they were a couple of years ago. I'm more relaxed in bed. If I want to fuck, I'll do it. Porn and masturbation are non-issues. But somehow, also here, I feel a bit stuck.

Currently, it is actually my wife, who does most of the initiating. She does like sex and sees its importance in our relationship and I have also managed to create some dread. However, she is also very vanilla and sensitive. And I'm a bit bored. I do fully know that it is my responsibility to change the situation and go for what I want. But, for the time being, it is not happening.

From what I have written above, I can see a pattern. All the things that mainly involve myself alone, are going well: the reading, the gym, the diet, other healthy habits, the meditation, the extra gigs I do to make extra money and so on. The ones that involve other people, like my main job, finances, sex, interacting with the family, I am somewhat struggling with or unable to reach for what I want. Or maybe even more so, that I have trouble even recognizing what it is that I want.

One of the most significant reads for me lately here on the forums has been this post by /u/skidsm where he writes how his life used to completely revolve around his wife and her swinging moods. My marriage is clearly not at all as extreme as what he describes, but, as a child of a narcissistic mother and an alcoholic father, my childhood sure was. I think I have built my whole existence and especially my personal relationships with others on being very clever in recognizing other people's needs and wants and then finding ways to fulfil them, sometimes even before they are aware of them themselves.

I am not referring to my childhood in order to blame others. Nor do I particularly want to keep dwelling in the past. But I do need to understand what has made me what I am in order to become what I want to be, whatever that is.

Another post in a way discussing the same theme was the recent post by Rollo, although he takes a more societal perspective on this. Here's a quote from his post:

"Red Pill thought emphasizes men disconnecting their sense of identity from a female-correct paradigm. In my own work I’ve stressed that the most important aspect of Red Pill awareness is men making themselves their Mental Point of Origin and this necessitates a realigning of oneself as his first priority. It’s easy to make declarations about how your self-worth begins and ends with you and that no woman can influence that image, and in a way that seems liberating. Like you’re taking at least that much authority back for yourself. But it’s another thing entirely to wrestle with a social order that’s now founded on a consolidated female-primary authority."

Over the past two years, I have become considerably more conscious of my own wants. I am taking time for myself to go to the gym and to do other things I like. In everyday situations, I can quite well pass shit tests and say either "no" or simply shrug away silly demands made upon me. I can do these things. But I also feel that I am still miles away from really, really recognizing and embracing my true wants, when they involve other people, when there are really things at stake.

If someone were to ask me now "what do you want?", with some consideration I would probably be able to come up with a pretty good answer, including various short-term and long-term goals. However, I feel that this answer would ultimately be a kind of a hoax: a well-formed conceptualization of things I feel are expected of me, are practical and sensible, are socially accepted.

One reason for my, in my own view, somewhat slow RP progress has also been the fact that things were actually pretty decent when I started. My bedroom was never dead, just a bit docile. My wife is not perfect but she was never a fat harpy cunt, either. I was certainly not alpha but I was never a total beta pushover either. I was not super fit but I have always been relatively slim and good-looking. I was no Chad but I have always been somewhat attractive to women. In a way, over the past two years I have now kind of maxed out most these characteristics in me.

And life is OK. It's not perfect nor awesome but I am content in many ways. I was talking to a good friend of mine recently and he said that most men he knows are a mess while I'm the most balanced and healthy person he knows. So, I am kind of balancing between accepting things as they are, with their small imperfections, and going for what is truly possible for me.

Perhaps you could say that I have now perfected the process of alpha-sprinkling. But have I really swallowed the pill? Probably not. If I want more, I need to do more. And "more" here certainly doesn't mean "more of the same." It means something that will help or even force me embrace my full power and capacity. What would it be? Getting a divorce? Getting a plate? Changing professions? Aiming for the powerlifting competition? Don't know yet. But I will find out at some point.

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