Learned about red pill over a year ago. Then I read a big chunk of the literature that is out there. I got a little frustrated when I didn't see any results, and I gave up for a while thinking it was something that worked for others and not me. I fell back into that harmful thinking of there is just something wrong with how I am wired and no books or strategies can change that.

What I've discovered is actually I am a slow learner, as I am in all things in my life. When I read things, my mind wants to hurry up and embody the images that get painted in my head. When I do not suddenly become amazing overnight, I get disappointed and maybe a bit jealous that it works for others and not me. Even though it didn't feel like things were working, I kept studying about fashion, watches, fishing, etc. Or the things my own father never taught me about. Then I went out and spent some capital on outfits that seemed a little strange to me until I started wearing them. It felt stupid, but then I started getting genuine compliments and great feedback from the women I work with. Of course I cheated a little. I'd go to a store and snoop around until I found something strange like a pair of red pants. Then I'd google 'men's outfits with red pants,' and I'd basically replicate what I saw pop up on pinterest.

I posed a lot and it never felt genuine. I felt like a dork pretending to be a better man. But over time, my attention shifted. I began noticing how other men are dressed. I started looking at men the way women look at men. And while I am not too ugly, but definitely not a looker- I realized that being 'handsome' simply means dressing deliberately. It really doesn't matter if you have a plain or ugly face so long as your hair says something and so do your clothes. To be handsome, you just have to dare to try new styles and learn the simple rules of matching belt to shoes. How to wear certain watches with certain outfits.

Another thing that helped me is I geared my mind to take attention away from women and focus more on myself and other men. Now that I've taught myself about watches and clothing and other things, I find I can talk to other men easier. If you find other purposely-dressed men like yourself, you can comment with some knowledge and experience on their watches or different fashion they might have tried. I was surprised to learn that men actually respond and love talking about this stuff. And each time I talk to a stranger or coworker about it, I gain more knowledge myself.

In the beginning of my transformation, I kept falling down because I didn't see any results from my wife. Actually, things started getting worse. She accused me of spending too much money on clothes. She was surprised when I not only disappeared to the gym, but had a scheduled time to be there that I wouldn't surrender for her no matter what.

Recently, we went on a vacation. We took a few pictures together. though I am just average looking, I have always thought I was ugly (especially in pictures). In these vacation pictures though, the clothes made me look a lot better. It also looked like my wife and I fit together, as she puts some effort into her outfits.

I still get starfish sex mostly, but I am making little bits of progress. She gets jealous when I go out looking nice and smelling nice. The woman who has been bored with me ever since she popped out a kid and I bought her a nice house and car is suddenly having hamster moments again. Getting jealous, to which I respond with a shrug and amused mastery. I also do things like iron my own shirts and clean our bedroom to improve my own domain, not as a longshot bet it will translate to pussy passes later.

For over a year, I thought a lot of this was something that could work for certain types of men. But really, these changes are so big that your brain really needs time for everything to seep in. This is not the matrix; you cannot just plug in and absorb everything in an instant. It was daunting to try to learn about being better physically, conversationally and stylistically. I pushed myself at these subjects until it tired me and I gave up. Then I restarted. One day, things started to click into place.

I am in my 40's. I have never been good enough for my family. I am not good enough for my wife. But it is changing. The key ingredient is that I've begun having more purpose to the things I do and say. And I am slowly beginning to be good enough for myself- which is where it all starts. And I see I can reach in and improve my relationship with my mother- which was always impossible for me.

I have gotten some life-altering advice from complete strangers on Reddit. I am grateful. It really is a long road up from the pits we've accidentally dug ourselves into. If it took me over a year to awaken, I expect it will take two years or more for my wife to awaken to what I have now become.

The biggest criticism I used to have against my wife was that she had gotten too 'comfortable.' But actually, it was me. I thought it was enough to go to work, come home, put on gym shorts and a t-shirt, just relax and get mediocre sex served to me about once a week. I thought it was enough to pile up possessions and pretend I had achieved anything with my life and my mind.

I am better now. Not all my problems are solved, but I have understood the capabilities within myself after a long time of much self-doubt. I never thought I could lift and get in shape with my weak, frail-ass body. I put out the dough to go three months with a personal trainer. $1500. On the second week, I was doing more push ups than I think I'd done in my whole life up to that point.

It can be done. We need other men more than anything.

I am in a happy place, my friends. Don't give up on your own paths. And getting in shape truly is the starting point. Every gripe I had about my father not being there or what he never taught me doesn't matter. Resistance is your father. You doing push ups, you lifting barbells. It's the resistance, and your overcoming of that resistance, that will father you. I haven't gotten buff by any means, but I feel good in my shirts. A woman sitting across from you knows when you feel good in your own shirt and with the clothes you chose.