When it comes to becoming the best version of you, denial can be one of the biggest road blocks in improving yourself and maxing out your SMV. Denial is different from being completely oblivious or ignorant to your weak spots as you may simply be unaware of your shortcomings. One thing the sidebar should do as you read it is wipe away this excuse of ignorance. If you actually read it, you will have your eyes open to the vast majority of your blind spots and you can no longer stay oblivious to your fuck ups and weaknesses. Inevitably, some blind spots will always exist and these often are the most difficult to address as you simply are unaware that you are fucking up. Self-reflection and the OYS thread are great tools to spot these yourself or get some pointers from others in this community. Anything else of significance that goes unaddressed means you are in denial.

In psychology circles they will often discuss the 4 varying degress of denial which are:

First degree: Denial that the problem, symptom, feeling or need exists. Second degree: Minimization or rationalization. Third degree: Admitting it, but denying the consequences. Fourth degree: Unwilling to seek help for it.

I look good enough

I recently went thru some of our old family photos. I have always had a decent level of confidence in my looks. Yet, I have always been self-concious about my body. Hmmm... no denial there. Why was I self-concious? Well, I have always been a skinny fuck. I'm 6 feet tall and was probably 145lbs when I got married. About 12 years into my marriage I didn't put on a ton of weight but I softened up the little muscle I previously had and was probably 20%+ body fat and still only weighed 150lbs. I went from skinny to skinny fat. I went thru all 4 degrees of denial multiple times. I would deny that being skinny fat was even a problem (1st degree). I would rationalize that since I had nice facial features that it didn't matter (2nd degree). I would sometimes admit it, but not consider it a big deal. Hell, she married me as a skinny fuck to begin with (3rd degree). Finally, I would say fuck it and just keep doing the same shit I was always doing because doing anything about it is hard (4th degree).

Since I have been here, my diet has changed completely, my workouts have changed completely (even though I was doing some lifting prior), my wardrobe has been competely changed, my clothes fit well, my hair style is different, my teeth have been whitened, my eyebrows are trimmed, my posture has improved, and I can keep going on and on about how I have improved my looks. I like what I see in the mirror now. I still would like to put on more muscle and keep going past 180lbs, but after putting on 30lbs in the gym over the last few years I can take my shirt off confidently. So, what did I see in myself in those family photos? Denial. It was painful to see how clueless and derpy looking I was over the last 10 years.

I'm a good dad

This might have been one of the biggest mind fucks for me personally and possibly one of the things that hurt me the most when I finally acknowledged my denial. I have always prided myself on being a good dad. Being involved with my kids and being a part of their lives was something I enjoyed. I was always present for dinner and for bedtime and spending time with them. However, I was in denial. My eyes were opened early on in this journey that I was simply along for the ride and my wife was driving the family bus. Dinner happened when she wanted. So did bedtime. So did the tasks around the house that she identified that needed to be done. I thought I was good at discipline, but in the end I was just following orders. A good indicator of who is in charge is who the kids ask permission from to do things. I was not leading in the home and I was in denial. Many times I would deny there was even a problem (1st degree). Or, I would rationalize with stupid bullshit like, "well, she spends all this time in the home already and has a system. Who am I to come in here from work and step on what she is doing?" (2nd degree). Sometimes, I would admit that she was disciplining in a way that I disagreed with, but I would deny the consequences of those actions and somehow hamster my responsibility to parent to her. (3rd degree) Finally, I wouldn't do anything about it. I mean walking on those eggshells is tricky, she might get upset, and I would eventually just do nothing. (4th degree).

What I have discovered here was that the family needs a strong masculine dad leading in the home. Not a dictator when a competent first officer is present, but someone to lead and provide direction. It was a struggle early on regaining the helm and it didn't happen peacefully or without incident. But, I can say confidently that it is worth it and in the end your wife and kids will be better for it. Delegation of tasks now come from its rightful captain. Dinner and bedtime is directed by the captain as well. There is less chaos in the home as a result and the wife is less anxious now that she is no longer shouldering duties she likely never wanted in the first place. I remember having a conversation with her after she crossed some disciplinary lines and I told her "I'll be Batman, you be Mary Poppins". She doesn't like being the bad guy anyways and she has brought this up after the fact that she prefers me being Batman so that she doesn't feel like she has to. Who is truly leading in your home? If it is not you then you are in denial about being a good dad.

It's only an hour

I was a pretty avid gamer prior to MRP. I have played pretty much all of the "Duties" and would dispose of $60 to grab them in the fall with everyone else to jump on early to make sure I stay with the learning curve and don't take a hit to my K/D ratio. Because keeping that ratio well over 1.0 is a big deal and so beneficial to me in my social and professional life right? Besides, after a long day at work, all I wanted to do was just unwind and do something mindless for a little while. She is over there finger fucking her phone anyways, so I guess I have no other choice or alternative than to keep playing. Besides it's harmless.

When I swallowed the pill I went on a quest to uncover as much knowledge as possible about this stuff. I found myself reading at lunch and at night and all of my free time was dedicated to increasing my RP knowledge and trying out different methods etc. Soon, I noticed that I had not picked up a video game controller for about 6 months. However, I had noticed a lot of other improvements in my life and as well as sex with my wife. One night, I decided to pick it up and play the game I was half way thru when I suddenly stopped playing. Guess what my wife did? Finger fucked her phone most of the night. Also, I didn't seem to find the same enjoyment that I used to when playing. What did I learn? First off, video games can be a colossal waste of time. I get the diversion aspect of it, but imagine if the screen was black and you saw someone staring at a black screen for an hour or two mashing buttons on a controller. You would appear to everyone else as a mindless zombie and you would essentially accomplish nothing of value. You can accomplish just as much staring at the wall for the same amount of time. Men get pissy at their wives finger fucking their phones on social media. We see it as such a waste of time. Trust me, they see you playing video games as equally unnattractive. Be attractive. Don't be unnattractive.

Do I still play? Only with my kids now. Playing alone now just feels so unproductive that I can't bring myself to do it. We still have every console you can imagine laying around the house and I do still enjoy playing the Wii with the kids from time to time. I no longer have XBOX Live or PS Plus subscriptions as they have all lapsed and not been renewed. I'd rather be out doing something and I want to same for my kids as well. I'm sure I will get shit from some others here that are in denial and tell me that video games are fine. Sure, you can play them, but don't be in denial about what they are doing to your productivity, SMV, and sex life or lack thereof. Unless your girl is an avid gamer herself it is likely going to come off as unnattractive 100% of the time.

Conclusion

If you find something that is harming your mission, don't deny it's existence, rationalize it away, deny the consequences, or refuse to change it. If you do, you will be stuck as a scrawny skinny fat dad that dresses poorly, plays video games, thinks he is the shit, but can't understand why his wife always seems to be in a bad mood and never DTF. Trust me, I can confirm. Make the hard changes and push beyond to live on the edge of uncomfortable. It is the only way to improvement and ultimately the life you want.