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Mrs. Peru pulled a freak out about an upcoming trip earlier and stormed up the stairs. She didn't like a non-important logistical change I wanted to make. I told her I was going to wash the car, and I'll be back in 10.

After I get back, She comes downstairs about 10 minutes later, fashionably late. Showed me lol

I look at her with a genuine smile (like I would with my teenager), and I say "do you want to talk about this?" She starts going on and on taking things out of context, putting words into my mouth, and pulling info from previous conversations. I just stood there with smiling eyes and let her Hamster run itself out and break the wheel casing.

Than, I say, " that's all you want. Cool , let's do it." I give her a high five.

this is where the shit test subtly turns into a comfort test

she starts to tell me about work and all the changes they are making... She can't handle any more changes.

I just Say, "yeah there are a lot of changes right now."

Then she comes into my frame

Her demeanor changes and she starts to tell me about her rough day (and it was a tough one), And I start to feel her vulnerability seep through. Just by me holding frame, her attitude has gone from me being the bad guy to me being the rock she can lean on

I just say " I know babe," and I give her a hug.

Her head is melted onto my chest for the rest of the night (content) cuz she's dead tired.Tomorrow, will be good sex when she's not dead tired.

In my BP days, I would have been lured into a big argument like a helpless fish on a hook. I would have dug into my position, and it would have been a big blow out fight because she was on edge from work.

The battle was unimportant, so I treated it as such.

Pick your battles carefully, and hold frame. But first , you have to internalize frame.

How do you internalize frame Bobby?

Good question - thanks for asking.

  • you start by stfu

  • stop DEERing

  • You read the entire sidebar

  • you lift

  • you Go through the dread levels

  • you practice.

  • When you make a mistake or a series of mistakes, you learn from it, and you change your thinking and behavior.

  • You don't beat yourself up because that's counterproductive.

  • when you fall off the horse, You get back on the horse and ride... A little bit better a than last time.

Then one day you find you have some of what all these guys are talking about, but you didnt understand it because you didn't have it...

FRAME

You can fake frame temporarily, but you will be found counterfeit eventually.

You can have frame, and then slip, but that's ok. It's a marathon, not a race.

But, Eventually, frame becomes who you are because you've internalized it. But this takes time, effort, persistent, and a continual drive to learn and be the best man you can be.


[–]SimilarSalvation5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It's Not About The Nail

well done!

[–]470_2_700_nm1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This not about the nail video is great.

Well if I made it I would have paid her about 10% of the attention and pulled my dick out at the end but still... it’s great.

[–]JDRoedellMRP APPROVED3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is the key idea in your post regarding making “frame mistakes:”

You learn from it, and you change your thinking and behavior.

This is how progress is made and the new, better frame is forged.

[–]viderelux3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think this example is priceless. It seems so easy when you read it, maybe even trivial, but the internal frame it takes to make this happen is elusive and not trivial at all for a BP DEER'er.

For the daily grind in marriage, these are the practical victories that add up to a quality life.
Think of the difference in your day...a day or more of miserable arguing or your wife's head buried lovingly in your chest. OI is important because you can't control her response, but it doesn't mean I don't want the latter.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I am confused, perhaps some detail is missing from your OP....but...

You went to get the car washed, ok - I am with you so far. She took 10 minutes longer to get dressed than she said - which is typical for woman - I am still with you.

She comes down, and you feel the need to open the can of worms in a passive aggressive way by asking:

I look at her with a genuine smile (like I would with my teenager), and I say "do you want to talk about this?"

Why? If there was some facial expression you saw that I am not picking up on you could have AA'd it or AM'd it multiple different ways, or just ignored it completely.

Sounds like you were still on time for your event so WGAF?

Rest of the post is OK though...

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She comes down, and you feel the need to open the can of worms in a passive aggressive way by asking:

I look at her with a genuine smile (like I would with my teenager), and I say "do you want to talk about this?

Disagree. Maybe it is in my mental inflection while reading it. I read it as a man that is confident enough to be direct with a woman. I read it as direct, not passive aggressive at all. He ended up giving her comfort that she needed at the moment. Hero to her.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Perhaps. Just felt like he was opening a door that swing both ways. If he had the frame to handle it, which is sounds like he did then good on him.

Just dont know OP well enough to say if it was smart. Probably not smart for newbs for sure.

As a general rule of thumb I try not to ask the wife (or my kids) open ended questions like that...

YMMV

[–]viderelux0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think he did AM it. The question allowed the hamster wheel to "run itself out and break the wheel casing." Sometimes people need to get things off their minds. He allowed her to do so, reacted like helium, and his rock-like demeanor resulted in a good day for both of them.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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