In Japan, there is an art style born out of necessity. When a pot or prized ceramic piece is broken, instead of throwing it away or discarding it, the piece is repaired with highly ornamental glue of lacquer and gold dust. Sometimes a piece is replaced with another piece from something else, but in the end the result is the same. The new piece is made whole again with its flaws highlighted; even celebrated.

From this, a philosophical style has been born, the philosophy of embracing the imperfect; highlighting the flaw. It can be a powerful tool to win an argument, or even reset the standard thinking.

 

I Got This

A few years ago, my wife had planned a party for our youngest kids. Like always, she over committed and her planning was off. Sometimes I rescue her; sometimes I let her flail to learn a lesson. At this point I’d determined that she wasn’t going to fail and a rescue was not needed. I was doing my usual Saturday morning routine of lawn chores when she came outside and got into command mode, “Go down to [Friends house], and pick up the big coffee pot.”

“Um, no thanks. I’m right in the middle of something.”

“Don’t you see I’m running around like crazy here? You never help me when I need it. I’m trying to do something nice here for the kids.”

SHIT TEST! some of the more inexperienced of you may scream. It is of sorts, but let’s unpack it in its entirety. Early in the morning I specifically asked her what she needed done. She gets angry at this sometimes partly because she doesn’t know but also because she thinks she’s got it under control. She rattled off a list of things and how she would tackle it. As a good captain, I offered any tools she may need, and she declined as she had it under control. I repeat, I specifically asked, “What do you need of me?” and she replied, “I think I got it.”

Cue to the front yard again and here she is proclaiming she was doing this for us. And in her lizard brain she was. Never mind that I didn’t ask her too, on top of the fact I had already offered help. Her reaction was you never when I….

Now this could have been dismissed as a simple shit test, but what it really was, was bad behavior disguised as a shit test. Bad behavior needs to be dealt with appropriately so that good boundaries are maintained. In this case she needs to learn to ask for help in a timely manner and not demand results when things are going wonky.

So I asked her, “Are you asking me or telling me? Because I would never tell you what to do.”

The hamster wheel starts to spin. “Of course I was asking. Do we have to do this now? I’m really busy here”

“Because if you were asking, then I have the right to say yes or no?”

“Really are we doing this now?”

“I’m just asking, do I?

“Yes you do.” The hamster wheel was now approaching full speed.

“I clearly offered help this morning. You declined. Now I’m in the middle of a project and I’d rather not drop everything. So don’t try to make me feel bad for your poor planning.”

Here’s where she broke down. She saw the error of her way and came close to sobbing. “I forgot about some things... I'm running out of time... I’m sorry, yes you can say no. I didn’t realize you were in the middle of something. I need the coffee pot so I can get it ready before everyone shows up [it takes a while to brew]”

[EDIT FOR CLARITY: I did not get the coffee pot. I finished the work I was doing and at some point I think she went over to said friends house and got it, as it's only a block away.]

 

Making It Whole Again

 

The flaw in this pot was the right to say no. It was broken and she was being a bitchy harpy thinking she could go around barking out orders because she fucked up and couldn’t plan. So it needed to be highlighted in a way that she could relate to. Was she asking or demanding? When put on the spot, her own words were “asking”. So I highlighted it by putting it in a context she would relate to, namely I give her choice why was I not allowed the same? I took an ugly broken shard and highlighted it for her to see. This comes up again and again, particularly with the journeymen redpill guys. . They’re just starting to bust through the easy shit tests, they have their technique down pat, and of course she ups the game. Think of it like shit testing for the masters’ class. She knows you’re strong in the moment, but do you have strong frame for those blurry boundaries that go beyond a simple compliance test?

My wife in this moment had clearly passed some boundaries I was not happy with. Namely, don’t treat me like shit because you are being ineffective. I could have been a prick and told her to go pound salt, I could have upped the beta and gave into what potentially was a lightly disguised comfort test, “You never help me when I need it.” But I didn’t, instead I chose to focus on the big picture, in this instance being pleasant and asking for real help when you’re in over your head.

The big difference in LTR game is we need to manage the relationship so that it stays mutually beneficial. You can spin a plate, and let it fall if things become untenable. She may demand more time than you are willing to give, she may demand commitment, etc. so now the value proposition has become unbalanced, so you let her drop. It’s a simple solution.

While we maintain that there’s always a walkaway point in an LTR, you do have a real investment. Not just sunk cost, but future earnings to think about. In an LTR, that might be your wife being mom to your kids, being a supportive first officer or even being a trusted partner in crime (not partner, maybe trusted sidekick?). At the very least she is a complement to your life. I want people in my life I can trust so I have to nurture and invest in that relationship. Investing in that relationship comes in the form of clear boundaries and a framework for understanding.

So here my wife broke a few boundaries and instead of defending why I was right and she was wrong, I played upon her emotions. I asked her how she would feel if I did the same thing to her. I played to her emotions on the situation, not the facts.

At its heart, this is why DEER (alternatively JADE) fails. It fails in its method, expecting people to see facts, and it fails in its delivery, ignoring the emotion. Your wife is an emotional being, so are you for that matter. You need to use those emotions to your advantage, not try to bludgeon them away or dismiss them.

My wife broke down, she apologized and came and cried in the crook of my neck. “I’m sorry, I just want this to be nice. We don’t spend a lot so I want this to be a nice experience for them.”

In the end I think a lot of guys fail because they don’t make the leap from being a technician to a master. Sure they can blow a shit test out of the water, or manage a comfort test to a happy conclusion. To be a master is to manage those situations so that boundaries are clearly established and future behavior is managed. Whether we like it or not, our lives are intertwined with our women. The technician level thing to do is let plates drop; turn this dial, punch that button, oops not working, mission cancelled. The master level is to manage these situations so that they are easily dealt with, prior to them happening. We want to punch the buttons and turn the dials so the machine is humming and running on a high level, not just feed-back but feed-forward control.

The next time you are in the heat of an argument, take this as a learning moment. Don’t run from what is broken but instead highlight it and use it to your advantage. Let people’s emotions move them to convince themselves of your argument. You can always get compliance, but don’t you really want engagement?

 

Epilogue

 

We've had several parties since that moment. Things still get out of hand, but two things are noticeably better. She comes to me before hand and asks for her captains input. Things like, *I need to this, this and this...", "Do you think, x, y, z" before she ever starts to execute. She'll also come to me, with humility and ask, "Yeah I fucked up and forgot...". It helps with the things we can affect, and makes the things we can't easier. The machine is running smoother and everyone is happier for it.