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Following up from the post, The problem with people who post in r/DeadBedrooms - and how you can avoid it. I too had spent 3-4 years posting on /r/DeadBedrooms before finding /r/marriedredpill. In the past 3 months I turned shit around real fast.

  1. I worked on myself. I have been improving myself for a few years now, lost 40+ lbs put on good lean muscle mass looking more fit than when we met. I also started going out with my friends and making new friends with no excuses for wanting to live my own life.
  2. Told SO I can't make her want to fuck me, I can only decide what I want to do about it. If she doesn't want to fuck me then we are roommates and I have no interest in having a roommate. I want an intimate partner, so I will give her a few months to decide what she wants before we discuss the final direction of this relationship.
  3. I decided to stop feeding her anxiety and her bullshit. By that I mean I stopped enabling her to be lazy and feed into her anxiety by making decisions for her. I called her out on the fact that she is a failure as a SAHM and If this was the work environment I would fire her today, I also told her that she is an adult and she needs to start acting like one and take on responsibility I was no longer going to shoulder all the responsibility.

As a result;

  1. She has been working on herself, actually sticking to diets and doing the actual fucking work that her therapist has been giving her to do to work out her own shit because I am not putting up with it anymore.
  2. She also started fucking me again, 2-3 times a week. She even had a really bad yeast infection for a week and gave me 2 BJ's that week. The more important thing is she has actually said yes when I initiate.
  3. She is off her ass, off the couch, off of facebook and getting shit done around the house. She is even talking about looking for a full time job, after 10 years she is finally admitting to herself that she hates being a SAHM, she liked the idea of it but hates it in practice.

The problem,

  1. Now that I am looking and feeling great, I passed her big time as far as scales of attractiveness. I kinda feel like I could do a lot better as far as looks, attitude and overall sexyness.
  2. I waited too long, I had to get so low and soo pissed off with her to actually stand up for myself and speak my mind that I really don't give a shit. I get sex, okay well it's sex but I don't really find her attractive anymore, she is not sexy anymore and well I think 8 years of her being a cold fish totally turned me off of her.
  3. I am finding myself happy that she is thinking about getting a full time job not because it will help our marriage, but because maybe I will have to pay less Alimony?

Summary, If I had done what I am doing today 7, 6 or even 5 years ago our marriage would have been saved, but I am so deeply scared by this relationship that I don't think I even care if it is getting fixed. This is not turning into the marriage that I want, it is turning into a marriage that I can find bearable which is sad.


[–]dadstartingover_com20 points21 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The "problem" area is what I call "the rub". You have to jump through hoop after hoop to get your wife to be attracted to you... and now you're not so attracted to her. And you resent her for all the shit you go through to get crumbs from the table.

And women wonder why we have the "mid-life crisis guy fucks younger women" phenomenon.

[–]Ricardo29918 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I just enjoy younger women. lol

[–]bogeyd6MRP MODERATOR25 points26 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is the traditional problem of MRP. Fix yourself and find out everyone around isn't worth your effort. When you read the book NMMNG, you were specifically warned right there on page 119. MRP can either be the start of a beautiful marriage or the end of an ugly marriage. Therefore, you get no sympathy from me. You could drop a little of that "fuck her" mentality and try pulling her along with you in positive ways. The wife of an MRP man is often looking for that rope they can hang onto for the ride. Many men never offer that cable tow. You set some expectations and boundaries. You then enforced those boundaries and expectations. Is it really her fault that they weren't the ones you really wanted?

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like a lot of anger still flying around in your head. Sounds like you are holding your wife's bullshit against her in a 'well she had the capacity to improve all along so how could she have been a bitch the last X years' when really it was you who allowed such behavior to thrive.

 

I get the part that she's not physically sexy anymore. So sure there's other options out there for that. But in terms of any other woman dont go and get oneitis for your imagined grass-is-greener girl. You'll still likeky have to lead her to follow your expectations just like you are for your wife. It sounds like your wife IS following your lead, so that's a wash in terms of an advantage of starting over. So other than not being sexy what value is she not giving to you that you expect in your marriage?

 

I'm trying to deduce whether your 'not caring if things get fixed' is from anger or from your wife not living up to your expectations.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

second this. OP, YOU also had the capacity to stay fit, active, and socially connected during the last 8 years. But you didn't. Can you blame her for following your lead into mediocrity.

Own it. Be angry at yourself. Now channel it: Dig deep. Work on you. Comfort/complacency are your enemies, not her. Guide her into coming along this journey with you. See how far she comes. Under the right leadership, some people are capable of impressive change. According to BluePillProfessor's 12 levels of dread, you can't go too fast. Avoid overtly expressing "fuck me or fuck you" for a long time.

[–]CasperTFG_808[S] -2 points-1 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'm trying to deduce whether your 'not caring if things get fixed' is from anger or from your wife not living up to your expectations.

A bit of both, mostly she is still not living up to expectations.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

See I hate trying to stop guys' hamsters for them. It sounds like your wife is improving. You're having sex and getting blown, shes off her ass, off the couch, off facebook, doing house shit, talking about a job. So now I ask...what specifically is she doing that's so bad that makes it "a marriage that isnt turning into what you want"...or is it that your anger is clouding your brain, tricking you into thinking that leading is hard and divorce is a way for instant relief...and the emotional trauma would be a little bit of sweet "revenge" for you.

Edit: Think a bit before you answer...because if your anger has a hold on you it's going to make you defensive over what I just said and vehemently deny looking for the easy out.

[–]CasperTFG_808[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I get you, I haven't reacted negatively towards her progress yet because I am still internally evaluating it.

[–]A_RexRED KNIGHT10 points11 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Keep going. Remember, you are not fixing your marriage - you are fixing you. Wives need lead time to follow a newly-minted captain's example. If she keeps going and you decide she adds more value to your life than not, keep her if you want. If you decide otherwise, the get your ducks in a row and jet.

If she doesn't improve at all, you know what you need to do.

How's your OI and abundance mentality? Are you gaming and number closing strange bitches? You should be.

[–]CasperTFG_808[S] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

OI and Abundance getting better but still needs focus and work.

Not gaming and number closing nearly enough. I am just starting to make friends of my own and get out, that has to come first. When I am away on business trips I have more opportunities to get out into the public but I work from home usually.

[–]GC0W300 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

When I am away on business trips I have more opportunities to get out into the public but I work from home usually.

I am self-employed and can work from home.

I choose finding restaurants or coffee shops where they are happy with me loitering half the day and working there some or all of the time.

I don't know your trade, but consider adopting my approach if you can.

[–]CasperTFG_808[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Starbucks next week then. Shitty thing is doing calls with customers from a noisy coffee shop or a boiling hot car sucks. Have to pick a day with less customer calls.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'm in recruiting and on calls mostly anytime and anywhere. For the most part, people understand today's culture of always being available, so use it as a feeling of power that you get to control where your office is.
Also, if you stick to the coffee shop tour, pretty soon you'll find which ones are quiet in the afternoon and which ones have privacy areas. Don't look for reasons the experience won't be positive.

[–]CasperTFG_808[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I know of a Starbucks with a nice back room area and a big shared table.

[–]GC0W301 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Co-work spaces might be worth looking at, depending on geography. Not so much in rural America, but in large towns and up, you tend to have options.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Told SO ...

we'll get the rest of that bullshit out of your head yet.

I told her to be better ... or else

That'll show her! you're the man!

You're doing well, I expect because of what we call a 'drunken captain'. She's been dying for a man to take charge for so long, she's riding the high, just like you.

You've gotten lucky here shes on board. Be aware, this can, and probably will come back to bite you in the ass later. Keep reading and doing, you'll start to see some mindset changing stuff that will prevent you from coming back in 3 months with some bullshit you could have avoided if you don't let off the gas

[–]MindfulStoic2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am experiencing something similar.

I've put in a lot of work. And have seen a lot of progress. But now there's this growing apathy for my SO. I have no ill will or negative feelings towards her anymore. Just fell meh towards her.

[–]AechzenMRP APPROVED2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Three months dude. It took years of drunk captaining to get you into this situation. Keep lifting, keep working on being busy and having shit going on in your life. Go easy on the anger. She really is trying.

Help her get a job. Most of the SAHM moms I know, if I'm being really honest, do a shit job of it. Having a job helps her have a purpose and pride. She needs that, and as you pointed out, it will make your divorce situation better if it comes to that.

Some people say one month of you changing to make up for every year of drunk captaining. So you have at least four more months of improvements to go before you get to be angry (at her). You can be angry at yourself all you want. Work out your anger lifting heavy things instead of sitting around stewing.

[–]4delicioustreats1 point2 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

Honest question for MRP. How often do these turn around in men spark I improvement 180s in women that lead to the women leaving (once she's fit, sexual and humping her coworkers)?

[–]weakandsensitive2 points3 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

if the woman is as awesome as you say it is, doesn't she deserve someone better? why force a woman to stick with a loser?

if my wife thinks she can do better, i'm going to wish her well.

[–]4delicioustreats0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy Link

Well red pill says, even if she has a quality man she will want strange dick for the genetic diversity. And she already has a provider in a husband, especially if she can get away with him fund/raising the other man's seed.

I guess I wonder how one gets to the point where they believe their wife isn't going to cheat, at least eventually... And because women don't like to look like sluts, they get really good at being sly about it.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

Well red pill says, even if she has a quality man she will want strange dick for the genetic diversity. And she already has a provider in a husband, especially if she can get away with him fund/raising the other man's seed.

Do you actually believe this?

[–]4delicioustreats1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Yes

[–]weakandsensitive4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

it'll be difficult moving forward if you're going to believe in caricatures. stereotypes exist for a reason, but that doesn't mean stereotypes apply to each individual.

if you can't resolve this mentally, you're always going to be looking for the worst instead of the best.

generally, people who have negative views of other people are really projecting their internal biases. i'd bet that's what's going on here, but i'd doubt your ego is willing to accept that it's your failure.

the long and short of it is that your application and interpretation of the statement is wrong. you're operating from a frame of fear and scarcity.

[–]4delicioustreats0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I appreciate the guidance. Your gut is right that I'm coming from fear and assumptions of negativity as I've been cheated on before.

Something for me to own my shit I guess.

Thanks .

[–]BluepillProfessorMarried-MRP MODERATOR0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

These are tendencies not absolutes but yes. Usually.

[–]JDRoedellMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Some like to qualify AWALT with, "on a spectrum." I tend to subscribe to this.

[–]A_RexRED KNIGHT0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Are you trans? Having gender identity issues? It's men that want to spread their seed far and wide.

Women want to fuck, then have kids with, an awesome man. The best AF/BB combo she can attract is each woman's "holy grail". If she has it, she's not going to jeopardize it lightly.

TRP points out the disconnect in modern society, where the problem for women is that AF and BB rarely align in the "perfect" combination at the "right" time. Thus, young girls slut it up with AFs, hit the wall and say "oh shit", then try to lock down a BB (they have to at this point, because all the AFs are either locked up, or unwilling to be locked up at that point by her).

[–]4delicioustreats0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah, as I understand it. Women always want AF, if they have AF they want more alpha. Of they have a beta, they just want AF on the sly. Am I misunderstanding something?

[–]A_RexRED KNIGHT1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

They want the best of both worlds. If they think they have the best they can get, they are unlikely to stray (unless they are total sluts). If they marry a beta, or an AF/BB that falls to far beta, she'll start seeking more alpha elsewhere (attempt to branch swing), or if she doesn't want to lose her beta bux (older women), she'll get her Chad dick on the side.

Today's younger women are different than in the past. With the societal influence of putting off a family, they are free to spend their party years riding the alpha cock carousel - because a lot of them aren't looking for beta at this stage anymore. Some are. If you just want to spin plates, as you should be doing in your youth, who cares. If you're looking for an LTR, you'll need to spin plates while carefully vetting a gal who is level headed enough to be looking for her perfect combo, and not a carousel rider. They will be out there, not all pretty girls are sluts. Once you enter an LTR, you'll need to keep your alpha, while dosing out beta comfort (or she'll leave because you make her too insecure). Just don't get married, and you'll be OK.

[–]PersaeusMRP APPROVED1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Who gives a fuck?

[–]BluepillProfessorMarried-MRP MODERATOR1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Have not seen it. Women will jump off a boring stationary train but not one that is moving. A girl might get hurt especially if that train ends up going somewhere cool.

[–]RPAlternate42MRP APPROVED1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I've never read an example. Closest to this scenario is that the wife gets pissy about her husband changing and drops the "I've been fucking chad" bomb or she just wants a divorce anyways and his new outlook pushed her over the edge.

A married woman is usually a post wall woman and she knows her place in the SMP.

[–]4delicioustreats0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Cool, thanks for the answer

[–]BluepillProfessorMarried-MRP MODERATOR1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Since you asked I believe you should wait a year before blowing it all to shit. This is common and usually part of the anger phase.

[–]jzekyllandhyde4 points5 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

Wife = woman I fuck everyday

Otherwise she isn't a wife, she's a roommate

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

Though absence of sex sometimes contributes to divorce, sex is a stupid reason to get married. If all she's good for is sex, then why are you wasting your time with her?

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I got married mostly to have sex. Biggest mistake of my life

[–]jzekyllandhyde-1 points0 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

You forget that females ARE only good for sex-everything else they do will stress their limited synapses out and they'll resent you for it as a wife, even if you do 97% of the work the 3% will wear her out to the point where she will want her stress to be dominated away and cheat.

[–]awydenMarried3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

not true, they fold my laundry and cook. I also wanted kids and she gave me two boys that she takes care of. Also every study shows kids do better in two parent homes.

[–]jzekyllandhyde-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can vouch for this study, but I suspect this hope holds couples together that really should be apart.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I'm hoping that was sarcasm, kid. I glanced at your last day of Reddit activity. Are you a porn-addicted troll, or are you just retarded?

[–]jzekyllandhyde-3 points-2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Recovering porn addict, and echoing a sentiment from redpill that must not be shared here, but it must appear as a bitter anger phase statement. I've read the tumblrs and online diaries of many women and while I have to take them all with a grain of salt they confirm everything redpill discusses. What I've read has opened my eyes to the disdain women have for their husbands and even children, and women that are allowed to exploit themselves sexually eventually don't want to be anything but a slut.

However I'm glad that there are women out there that respect their men enough to do chores obsequiously.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I've read the tumblrs and online diaries of many women

Ah yes, social science's preferred method for unbiased sampling of a mentally stable population.
 

it must appear as a bitter anger phase statement

No, it comes across like a socially isolated teenager with minimal sexual experience, much like the rest of TRP. MRP is grown-ups. If you want to play victim to the gynocracy, you're in the wrong place. If you want to learn to be a man, then read the prerequisites in our sidebar.
 
You attract exactly the kind of woman you deserve. If your posts are any indication, you deserve the branch swinging, brainless AWALT prototype. Man up and you'll see a completely different side of the fairer sex.

[–]jzekyllandhyde-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

MRP is where I come to to gain hope coming from TRP's cynicism. It provides a balance to help decision making.

I mention what I read because I swallowed the pill without firsthand witnessing most of the behavior described, just seeing it described and recounted. I guess I'm partially grateful.

I'll keep acrimonious misogyny off this sub in the future. Note to self, on MRP, woman = first mate.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

m'lady.

tip fedora

you forgot that, so i added it for you.

you're gonna have a rough time with women for sure. less porn, less anime, less my little pony, and more interacting with real people.

[–]jzekyllandhyde0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Practice makes perfect

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I usually hate initialisms, but this one rings true.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

MRP to me has always taken a deep stance on telling Men the truth about what a bitch they've been, then showing a clear path to being a real man. They aren't capable of making a choice to leave because they're such a pussy and overweight and lack frame. With RP men get back in tune w/ what their life should look like and THEN they're capable of making the informed decision to leave their harpy, overweight wives.

My suggestion is to research what divorce would look like and then prepare for the divorce path, while putting effort into the relationship. The process is usually 12mos before you know what path to choose.

[–]SepeanMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I felt the same in the beginning. It was a phase.

Make a list of what your dream girl is and does for you, then get her on that path.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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