TheRedArchive

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So, I've not been a frequent poster here, but I've been in and out for about a year and a half now. I thought I had become really good at not relying on my wife for validation, and just doing things because they're the right thing to do and I wanted to do them.

Then my wife died. Not entirely unexpectedly. We thought she had 'til the end of the summer, but she collapsed in the kitchen two and a half weeks ago while I was giving our son a bath. I ran to help her, found her bloodied, tooth broken out, with vomit on the floor, saying "this is it! this is it!" and complaining she couldn't breathe... I ran to get her asthma puffer and told her I'd be right back as soon as I got our 3 y/o out of the tub. When I got back to her, just a couple of minutes later, she was dead. 911, chest compressions, no good...dead.

In the aftermath, I'm left befuddled. If I'd conquered my need for wifely validation, why is the thing that makes me cry the fastest that I don't have her around to tell about...well, how well I've handled shit since? That our boy peed on the potty? That I organized one helluva memorial service? For all that I thought I'd made my own way with that particular part of this whole RP cocktail, that's the piece that's nagging at me. She was never one to give me that attaboy anyway ... it pissed her off that I sought the validation, so all the better that I stopped looking for it -- but not even being able to angle for it in this time of crisis is hurting. Just simple grief, or some sign that I was deluding myself about how well I was doing?

And as much as I thought I was OI and IDGAF about her staying or going in my life -- ok, I can say, convincingly if cognitively, that my best days are ahead of me and she was in some ways a shitty wife. But in poring over the memories and documents and scrapbooks and all that post-death stuff, I can't help but think things could've been better if I'd just been a bit more .... smack me if you need to .... romantic. Again, crisis of faith in my MRP learning, or just a griefly puke?

The answer may be as simple as "Dude, your wife just died in front of you and you're suddenly a single parent. Cut yourself some slack." Or, conversely, "She was a shitty wife and your SMV is going to skyrocket once you get back on the rails." Or perhaps ... "MRP doesn't work on dead people or memories."

I dunno. Mods may end up deleting this for bringing nothing to the table, but this isn't a subject I've seen brought here before, so on the off chance that there's something worth exploring, I'm going to click Submit.


[–]A_Rex 56 points57 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Men are the romantics. You loved your wife, no shame in that, and no shame in grieving for the loss. You have even more shit to handle now, since you are on your own.

Want validation? Raise your boy to be a real man. Be the man in his life, and see your reflection in him.

As far as second guessing yourself? That's to be expected with such a traumatic event. At some point, you'll have to let it go with the understanding that you were improving, doing your best, she saw you were doing your best, and tomorrow you will do even better. And even better the next day, and even better the day after that.

My condolences on your loss.

[–]PipingHotSoup -4 points-3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your son can make an excellent wingman. Play the long game.

[–]Gstreetshit 28 points29 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Dude, your wife just died in front of you and you're suddenly a single parent. Cut yourself some slack.

[–]e298f622X2 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

No shit. I wouldn't want to lose my wife that way

[–]maxbrooksmacbook 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is pretty horrifying. I can't even imagine.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

As men, we are the more romantic of the sexes. It is in this truth that you can see why it sucks so bad for guys to embrace the reality that, our romantic vision of reality is a lie.

I wish I could say my wife and I will ride of into the sunset together living out our days happy and working at life together, that's how it's supposed to be, right?

Find comfort in the discomfort of reality.

Your reality is your wife is dead, your son is alive, and you are left to rebuild your true 'self'.

This sucks, I'm sorry to hear about it, but what's happened is in the past. You can choose right now to remember her as a part of your life and then you need to get back to work taking care of your 'self' and your son.

[–]taon4r5[S] 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I'm looking forward to rebuilding my true self. Honestly, a lot of the changes she brought about it in me -- even though they were from emotional manipulation, neglect, and my own desperation for love and approval -- were good. I became a better man through the process, and I've conducted myself heroically through her cancer journey and right up to present. I have every reason to be proud of my integrity and solid performance.

Once I get through the "sigh THIS is my life now" time and into "woo! This is MY life now!", I'm looking forward to rediscovering Who I Am as just me, not as part of a married package or in a caregiver role. My best days are ahead. Not sure how or when, but lessons learned are going to make for some wiser decisions down the road.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Understand this.

Your best days are not ahead, nor are they behind.

The only day you have, the only moment you have is right now.

Immerse yourself in the now. Because then may never come. Your wife should serve as the constant reminder of living in each moment with your all.

Even while you at there typing on Reddit, enjoy the sound, the air, the breath you take...truly feel it all, because that is what living is.

[–]taon4r5[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good point. Today is all. Every good today can make for a better tomorrow, if I'm fortunate enough to have tomorrows.

This is a good reminder to get some real mindfulness into my life, as things have been a heavy dose of WHAT NOW, WHAT NEXT? for so long.

[–]rocknrollchuck 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dude, my condolences. My first wife died in 2007, and I was total Blue Pill. I got myself together and got married again the following year to an Eastern European girl. Just swallowed the Red Pill last year. Be grateful you know the truth now, because it will make it that much easier going forward. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but I've had 9 years of perspective on this. You are on solid ground, and have everything you need to succeed in the future. Take time to mourn and grieve your loss, and when you're ready make a plan and carry it out. You got this, and you have an amazing future ahead of you when you're ready.

[–]Archwinger 23 points24 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

You act like it's wrong to love your wife. Even when our wives are shitty, we love them. We just don't tolerate the bad behavior.

She was a huge part of your life. Of course you miss her.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Well, Cad doesn't

[–]BluepillProfessor 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Bullshit. He probably deleted his account because his wife found it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lol, I'll leave this discussion offline for now.

[–]ex_addict_bro 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

dat nigga divorced now eh?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Which cad? No he's still doing his thing, kids aren't 18 yet

[–]UEMcGill[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (17 children) | Copy Link

This one has been cross posted to the /theblewpill. Thanks blooper lurkers. Everytime you do this, our subscription numbers go up. Oh, yeah voting, blah blah blah....

[–][deleted]  (15 children) | Copy Link

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[–]anythinginc 1 point2 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

I just visited that thread, and clicked around the sub a bit. I'm reminded of the year I spent in college dicking around on 4chan. Everything is "for the lulz," nothing is sacred, everything exists just to be lampooned. A place for people to go to let out their frustrations and get some humor....catharsis....catharsis.

And what did the people in that sub pick as the target of their catharsis? What do they need to burn in effigy? What is their strawman full of arrows? The men here who want their marriage to work?

MRP in a nutshell:

Work out, improve yourself, have self esteem, read some Marcus Aurelius, take responsibility for yourself and your wife and your family and your life, be the god damned change you want to see in the world....that is what you are railing against? lul

I had never been to /thebluepill before. I'm glad I went. I liked kinda liked 4chan, I appreciate lulz, I appreciate satire, love The Onion. But don't misrepresent yourselves as virtuous. Your banner says you're "satire," 4chan went a little further:

"IMPORTANT. The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood. Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact."

At least on 4chan and /b/ nobody thought they were being virtuous, nobody imagined they were making the world a better place and fighting villainy. There was a name for you, /b/tards. And /b/tards are not for serious consideration.

[–][deleted]  (13 children) | Copy Link

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[–]anythinginc 0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy Link

But you don't get to have hurt feelz if somebody overhears you and laughs.

I just had the wrong impression of ya'll. I thought /bp was something like Gawker or Jezebel, but instead you're a perfectly acceptable 4chan, please continue: TRP, dread, this man and his dead wife, the holocaust fuck I don't care bro.

implying

The overwhelming majority of the men in /askmrp and /mrp are here because we love our wives and girlfriends, a world away from keeping six fuck buddies on tenterhooks, we are usually serial monogamists, family men, and apparently worthy of derision from TRP and TBP.

When someone here hates their wife, it is usually because the woman has a legit personality disorder, has cheated on them, or is abusive...if YOUR advice isn't:

Work out, improve yourself, have self esteem and possibly leave

then I'm legit curious Valkyrie.

If a man dislikes his wife because she doesn't have sex with him we tell him to:

Shut the fuck up asshole, work out, improve yourself, have self esteem, read some Marcus Aurelius, take responsibility for yourself and your wife and your family and your life until you're more attractive

How is that nurturing a hateful environment? Hell a feminist could've said that. But mostly they aren't hateful, they are sad and hurt, sad that the woman that they love doesn't want to MAKE love with them, or dislikes them, or is going to leave them, or has cheated on them... and the above advice, delivered in a locker room tone/environment, is exactly what many of the men here need to decide to not be sad or hurt anymore, and do something about it. I remember 4chan well though, after the mythical "hambeast," sad, hurt men are the targets of choice.

Ya'll sneer at "dread" a lot over at /thebluepill...dread is just a man being a good enough person that a woman actively wants to be in a relationship with him. Are you saying you don't want that in your relationships u/Valkyrie_10? You're content being the type of person, such that your partner has no desire to make any effort in your relationship? You've never had a woman put effort into making you happy and trying to win you as a boyfriend? If you have, then she did that because she "dreaded" not having you right? She probably said "I want/need you in my life" or if you're really lucky she said "I can't imagine my life without you" or something similar.... You were worth the effort. If a partner does not "dread" being without a person, then they will not make any effort...incidentally we're here because we "dread" loosing our wives.....I think in /deadbedrooms and /relationships they would say the opposite of "dread" is "complacent" or "taken for granted" ....

Do you want a complacent partner who takes you for granted u/Valkyrie_10? I don't. So I work hard to be the type of man my gf "dreads" loosing. Do we love each other, yes, but I know you understand that love very often leads to complacence and taking each other for granted, neither of which is good for a relationship. So there has to be a fear of loss, and a sense of pride. And we here at mrp don't want that fear of loss to be because we are manipulative assholes, we don't want to fight complacence with hate...we do it by being fit, by dressing well, by being responsible, by taking care of business, by handling our shit....EXACTLY what a woman would tell you she wants in a man, exactly what they swipe right for on tinder...but we're bad guys... I didn't chose the jargon, it's unfortunate if it sounds ominous and triggers anyone. And just to be clear we "dread" divorce in most cases, thus actively work on improving ourselves, thus our wives "dread" loosing us. Maybe it's a vicious, dysfunctional circle, but it sure beats a pair of fat lazy spouses with a dead bedroom taking each other for granted.

I'm not gonna touch "hatefucking" because a search says it doesn't exist on mrp or askmrp, but this:

dumb/irrational/incapable of love, empathy, or <insert positive characteristic here>. The idea that they are somehow desperate for your leadership because they are too stupid, weak, and irresponsible to take care of themselves.

We probably married our wives because they were intelligent, rational, loving, empathetic, nurturing, caring, sexy, and a shit load of other positive characteristics, they are certainly not stupid and weak, and handle a multitude of responsibilities. But you can't say all women are all of those things all of the time...we're all flawed, and men and women in successful relationships mitigate and compliment one another's shortcoming right?

overhears you and laughs.

For the lulz everyone <3

[–][deleted]  (11 children) | Copy Link

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[–]anythinginc 0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy Link

For starters, I appreciate your response, to continue:

the moral and intellectual superiority of men

I would have thought after lurking here for awhile you would get the subtext women are superior. Being an attractive man, who takes on as much responsibility as he is able, who handles his shit, who fucks well, who is Outcome Independent and stoic about a woman (from an obvious position of superiority) choosing him to fuck/marry/divorce....that's all we have...you don't see that? Don't you see why is has everything to do with a man's specific situation? If a man is the first 4 then he can probably get a wife and keep her...and if he is the last 2 then he's not fucking broken if she leaves.

How does going out with the intent to "number close" on other women make you a good person your wife/gf wants to be with?

Most of the men here get confused on the "Levels of Dread" too, tons of questions, so I won't hold it against anyone else; but like you said, it's a higher level. This man has been working for months to make himself more attractive...he doesn't argue with her anymore, he's probably got abs in good lighting, he's got got new clothes, he's upgraded jobs or gotten a promotion, he's interesting and has hobbys...but his wife is still not attracted to him, she's still talking about divorce, probably even filed, they are living like roommates....most people would have said fuck it and divorced a long time ago, but this guy loves his wife and loves his kids and has done every fucking thing he can to make it work....and it is probably not going to work at this point, lets you and I be real with ourselves alright. The last couple steps are essentially preparing this guy for being single again, letting him know that his world isn't ending, there is life after divorce, he can get another gf/wife, showing him that if his marriage really is that bad, then he will be okay....

AND this is fucking necessary for men. Men KILL themselves after divorce! More to your concerns, men KILL their EXs after divorce. Divorce can break a man and convince him that he is worthless and will never be loved again! He, we, I, need to be prepared, we need to be ready to hit the dating scene again, we need to know that we can find love again...so yes...by Lvl 7/8 it is okay to see if you can get the barista's #. If he's followed the Steps then she's either staying with her much more attractive husband, or he'll be ready to let her go without being a clingy stalker about it...that actually does sound like a win-win right u/Valkyrie_10?

I'm not a lesbian.

That's funny, my cousin is. She's the more masculine one, super ambitious, all the responsibilities for the family, does the budget, surgeon...her wife is more nurturing and wants to get pregnant and have the babies, been together 10 years and still fuck daily. I know nothing is typical...but it's weird when it is huh? Its interesting that TRP indicates that, as a woman, you SHOULD be pissed off at all this. You should be incensed...the men here are having to fake it. And nothing is worse than being faked out when it comes to sex and love right?

I thought I could just fall in love with my wife, she fall in love with me, get married in the church and live happily ever after. I didn't know that if I got lazy, and didn't follow through with my responsibilities, and she had more ambition that I did, and she started making a lot more money than I did...that she would find somebody better...we were happy and in love right? Now...we are both saying "DUH ASSHOLE!" Right? Duh? You know that? But I didn't know...I thought I was a good partner and we were married and said "I love you." I was complacent, I took her for granted, I didn't have any dread. So the sex dropped off, and then the "emotional connection" and then I was history. If I had of read, and believed, the advice I quoted a few times above, had faked being that man until I WAS the man I am now...I might still be having great sex with my wife....but I'm not, and I'm not bitter about it because..why? You can say "Duh" or whatevs? I'm interested...but around here we say "hypergamy." And that make's me say "Duh." That's the way it is, that's the way it should be, I'm not worthless and unlovable, but I also wasn't good enough. It's that simple, be more attractive, get a woman, keep a woman. Would you disagree? The Blue Pill means my marriage should have worked..we were great friends, great family, we love each other, love is all you need, just be yourself. The Red Pill means DUH, of course it wouldn't work out asshole.

After my divorce I moved in with several women in their 20s, fuck we had a great time. Anyway..they would under no circumstances date a man who made less money than they did, who wasn't successful, who they didn't rate an 8 or above, who didn't fuck them like a porn star. Now, you are probably more enlightened and they are just superficial bitches who will never find love. But I'm not gonna trust Gaia that I can find and keep a woman like you, so I'm going to chew that red pill good, be attractive, be successful, be outcome independent, be responsible, and fuck like a hammer.

You've never had a woman put effort into making you happy and trying to win you...?

I'm not a lesbian.

Literally everything still applies in reverse, or the inverse, or whatever. You've never put in any effort for a man? You want to be with a man who doesn't put any effort into you? You want a man that takes you for granted? That you don't "dread" living without?

a lot of your tactics look quite manipulative. And like asshole behavior.

I'm interested in those tactics? I've already discussed the hitting on women thing. Oh, "demonstrating PUA in front of her." If you read into it you would see that we do NOT advocate explicitly hitting on women in front of your wife. Why? Because it doesn't work, and as you know..it only pisses them the fuck off. We get a thread a week where some unattractive asshole hits on a woman and it backfires. This is level 8, the situation is like I outlined above in-depth. He should be attractive enough that women are showing interest in HIM. He should be attractive enough that just chatting with an attractive woman casually just happens. Again, his marriage sucks and his wife literally can't believe that ANY other woman would ever take him. Well, this shows her doesn't it? Attractive women with attractive husbands are used to other women showing interest in him, conversations just springing up around him...but this guys wife still sees him as the fat lazy asshole he was 8 months ago. She can't believe it...and maybe it makes her take a second look at this guy she hasn't wanted to have sex with...this guy she fantasizes about divorcing...and maybe it saves a marriage...sounds like a win/win to me.

Angry fucking to correct a woman's shitty attitude.

Let's call it "grudge fucking," how's that? I googled up this:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/lorenzo-jensen-iii/2014/07/20-people-explain-why-hate-sex-is-so-incredible-nsfw/

Doesn't sound all bad. You've never had break up sex? You've never had angry sex? You've only ever "made love" in the missionary position?

Maybe I should just wrap this up by saying "but what do I know? I'm just a self-obsessed, irrational, irresponsible, overgrown teenager who needs a man to provide a container for me to fill because I'm just that hopelessly directionless. Pretty pathetic, being me. In fact, I really should have asked my Captain for his permission and help before I even tried writing this."

Now see, that's just pantomiming low self esteem. Nobody wants that, that is how you end up with a man who is unattractive, lazy, irresponsible, and unsuccessful. And you likely wouldn't have low self esteem forever, and then you'd realize you could do better and leave. A MRP man wants a woman with good self esteem, she knows she chose her man for the man he is, and chooses him again every day, not because of her pathology, but because he's awesome.

I'm gonna wrap this comment up with a description of my current gf. Strong, independent, intelligent, hard-working feminist. Liberal organizations send her around the world to lobby for them, and that's just her side gig. Regularl public speaker. So many responsibilities she's had 4 different Google Calendars at one point...and we love each other dearly. But when it comes to her personal life? Her home life? She wants nothing more than for her man to handle EVERYTHING. Any decision, any responsibility, is nearly too much for her after a long day. My ex was very similar actually, but I didn't know any better...I let her handle all the decisions and responsibility at home too, and it killed us. With newgirl I make all the decisions, nearly every responsibility is mine alone, because I showed her that I was capable, that I could handle it, that she could relax when I was around..and she tells me weekly that she has never been happier in her life. You make fun of "being captain", and "leading a woman"...but she calls it happiness, she calls it love. Is it difficult for me sometimes? Do I wish I could slack sometimes? Sure, but blah blah red pill, hypergamy, man up bro. If we don't work out maybe I can find a woman like you, who wants to be the leader, or wants a partner...I would love to be complacent again, you'll mean "forever" when you say it right?

[–][deleted]  (9 children) | Copy Link

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[–]anythinginc 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy Link

women bad/men good

We say TRP is amoral, there is no bad or good, that's just how it is. We mock men who are angry or bitter or butthurt about anything.

The attitude that an ideal relationship involves the man managing/controlling/directing/yes, "leading" the woman - those are not things that you do to/for someone who is your superior, or even your equal.

I said I was doing just that in my current relationship and you implied it was the support role, but here you describe it as an insecure man needing to keep a woman down...which is it? It's difficult to tell huh? Maybe that's why it works, my gf loves to say "we both give 100% to this relationship" as she wears things I like, eats where I take her, self-enforces good relationship boundaries and practices, satisfies me sexually, and pines to marry me and raise my babies.

if she knew he was number closing, it would be over no matter what. Just get divorced.

You read what I said right? They probably ARE talking about divorce! If this sub is any indication, she's probably already had an emotional affair, but he's the asshole? Is it stupid for a man to do literally everything he can to try to save a marriage and keep his kids in a nuclear family? If you think it is then maybe that's why we say "men are the romantics."

Below the vilification, the condescension, the stupidly rigid ideas about gender roles

I guess I won't convince you that the men are here because they love their wives/gfs. And I'm not gonna apologize for the locker room tone/environment. I mentioned I lived with several 20-something women...and their couch talk puts our locker room to fucking shame. This is our catharsis, if yours is mocking ours then great, more power to everyone actually.

The recommendation is to "strike up conversations with pretty women in front of your wife." If you think your wife/gf is going to split that hair, you're mistaken. She knows exactly what's going on, especially because it will be new behavior for you.

You know how a conversation with an attractive person can go. An unattractive person asks the waitress how her day is...nobody bats a fucking eye, she says great, then takes your order, the husband and wife have done this a thousand times.....But over the past few months the man has been lifting weights, working on hobbies, being more interesting, dressing better, noticing women noticing him more..his self esteem has gone up incredibly, remember, his wife is not attracted to him, she doesn't want to fuck him, they are living as roommates, she's probably mentioned divorce or he's discovered an emotional affair ...and here he is feeling better and being more attractive than he has in years...and more recently he has been practicing talking to women, trying to be more charming, learning to look a woman in eye when he's talking to her...and so at some point, he's gonna say "how is your day?" and instead of "fine-can-i-take-your-order"...the waitress is going to brighten up, her smile is going to be large and genuine, she's going to beam back "it's been really well! I've only got an hour till I get to go home!" And the man says "Oh? We were just on our way home too." And the waitress says "Oh that's great? Are you from out of town or around here?"

AND what just happened? The man "struck up a conversation with a pretty woman in front of his wife." Didn't he? But was it sinister? Was it disingenuous? Was it manipulative? No, that is what happens sometimes when an attractive person starts talking...but the wife notices, like you said it is completely new behaviour..."that waitress was just beaming and chatting with MY shitty husband that I fantasize about divorcing? That I can't stand to let see me naked? What the fuck?" And so maybe she takes a second look at him, try's to see what the other woman saw. And maybe it saves a marriage. And maybe it does piss her off, but she dislikes him anyway, is thinking about divorcing him anyway...so who fucking cares...I would rather her be pissed about the cute waitress than her other worn out list of shit that she wants to divorce him for.

Your gf sounds pretty awesome. And it's cool that you are making things easier for her at home because her work life is so stressful. I imagine, though, that there are some red pill guys who would say that's the feminine role, the support role.

Thanks, I think she's awesome too. Like I said earlier, it is confusing huh? "Making things easier" is the same thing as "leading and making all the decisions and handling any and everything that needs to be handled in my life, in my house, and with my gf." Is is support or is leadership? I'm curious about how you explain the dichotomy? I don't care if it's called support or leadership...but I know who fills the feminine roll...my gf...she is sweet, feminine, humble, sexy, and pleasing...me being the leader/captain/support/manager/whatever frees her up to be the sweet, loving, girlfriend I want. If she came home and had to worry about anything then she couldn't bounce around in just some panties, if she had to handle bullshit then she couldn't run a bath and then beg me to join her, if she got in bed stressed from work AND her home instead of stressed from work and relieved at home then we would never have sex again.

[–][deleted]  (7 children) | Copy Link

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[–]YoureAfuckingRobot 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Why?

[–]bogeyd6 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's easy to revert to blue pill in times of great tragedy. There are of course a whole range emotions and stages you will be going through over the next couple of months. Would being more romantic to your wife have changed anything? Probably not. Yesterday's gone on down the river and you can't get it back. Things were done and that's that. When deaths have occurred close to me I found it more helpful to not think of all the things we should have done. Instead, focus on the enjoyable memories and the road ahead. You have a three year old who will never know his mother. He is going to be 100% reliant on you to teach him how to be a man, how to love, and one day have his own family.

MRP tells everyone that you have to man up and own your situation. This is not a crisis of MRP faith. This is the time to double down on it.

Edit: Just read that your wife was in love with another man. Kind of puts a spin on what I just wrote.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Mods may end up deleting this for bringing nothing to the table

You brought the most valuable things we all need here, perspective and insight. Everybody loves to bitch about their spouse but nobody knows what it's like to lose someone until you've been through it. You want to find some fault in yourself, go right ahead but it's not going to gain you any results. Now you're main job is to be strong for your kid(s). Stay on track with them.

I feel for you, brother. This stuff aint easy but it gets a little more bearable each day. Hang in there. Few people can empathize with you. Find those people and do some relying on others for a while. This really sucks, yes but it especially sucks doing it alone.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

il est recuitte was in your situation. Look back on his early stuff if he didn't delete.

I'm sure there's others who have had it who are on here irregularly also.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Not sure how he could look any of that up.

Anyway we hooked them up and they chatted in OP's previous thread about two months ago.

Surprised nobody remembers this guy. Or his wife's bullshit.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I haven't put any effort into this guy, to be fair. I do remember him now. She was such a cow. Funny how absence removes bad memories, and keeps good ones

[–]sexyshoulderdevil -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He deleted his account. Like I said...fart in the wind now.

[–]BluepillProfessor 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Here is the deep, deep secret. Just don't tell anybody. We have a reputation to uphold as the apex Alpha Family Guys. The reality is we are here on MRP because we LOVE our wives. It is true. If we didn't, most of us would not be intently studying how to fix our marriages! We would be on the PUA blogs practicing cold approaches. Even most of the MERP guys who are doing that cheating thing are here because they love their wives. Truth.

So when we say DNGAF it is often something of an overreaction. None of us really don't GAF. We do! The problem is, most of us give way, way to many fucks. Way to many as in it kills female attraction so moving more towards DNGAF is almost always the right move on MRP.

Put another way, if a guy is weak and soft, do you think the drill Sgt. goes easy on him during Basic Training?

I can't help but think things could've been better if I'd just been a bit more .... smack me if you need to .... romantic.

Second guessing everything you have done in your life is no way to live. However, it is a well known part of the grieving process. I would just bet some of the grief is that a part of you is elated that now you are "free" and can run through the mares like a bull moose.
That is also truth.

I think you are remembering what YOU WANTED, not what SHE NEEDED. You wanted the holding hands, cuddling, affectionate (like a dog) wife. Instead you had a human wife and you needed to behave accordingly.

I would say don't jump back in the saddle again right away. I would give it about a year or a bit less before you start cold approaching/dating- at least long enough to avoid future feelings of guilt that you failed to honor your wife's memory (or whatever).

MRP doesn't work on dead people

I believe this is true. Grieving is very different than MRP praexology. Get the worst of that process out of the way. As you know, we are very much against marriage counseling but individual counseling may often be warranted and grief support is something that may also be necessary. Remember, crying and being emotional is not unmanly! Men are the romantics. Get yourself together, take your time and do it right. MRP will still be here when you get back.

[–]alphabeta49 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The reality is we are here on MRP because we LOVE our wives

Just submitting myself as a statistic to go against that claim. I might be a drop in the bucket.

I'm here because I chose not to divorce my wife for my kids' sake. I got married before I found MRP, so if anything I'm merely doing damage control. If it weren't for the kids, we wouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

I love my wife, don't get me wrong. But at this point its more "welp, I guess I'll make the best of it."

[–]Persaeus -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You wanted the holding hands, cuddling, affectionate (like a dog) wife.

Between this and all the dogs are chick magnets stories, RP has convinced me I need a dog.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My condolences... I teared up reading this

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It is what got her mother.

My mother in law has terminal cancer. She won't survive...and my wife will probably go in the same way. Sad thing is my father in law will probably be a bit apathetic to his wife's death.

Its a strange thing to watch a slow car crash and not be able to do a god damned thing about it.

[–]Psynaut 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The only regrets I ever have about anything are that I look back and think "I could have been kinder (similar to your 'romantic'). I think this is part of growing as a human throughout life. No matter how kind (romantic) we become, we will always look back and think that.

Along the same line, life being a progression, you only need to answer one question: " are you more confident and IDGAF today than yesterday/last year? If so good, because you will be better at it a year from now then you are today. Accept the progression and that you will always get better and look back at your past self and wish you had been as awesome then, as you are now.

[–]Aechzen 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know a widowed single dude. He is awesome. You can be too. He hosts music parties at his house. His six-ish year-old boy has a drawer full of nerf guns, and a room full of legos. He does what he wants, he owns his shit, I admire him. Be that guy.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil 4 points5 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

We used to have a guy here that went through this as well. He was older though with fully grown kids. He came here to work through all these similar emotions you're struggling with as well. Then he got more comfortable with his wife's memory and where he was going next. He knew what he was doing. Then one day he up and deleted his account...he vanished like a fart in the wind... You'll be the same. You will be ok. It will just be a matter of time...always with the time...

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I wish Frenchy would have left his MRP journey intact. Might have helped OP. Miss him.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

Is it that French dude? il-something?

[–]sexyshoulderdevil 0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy Link

Correct.

[–]BluepillProfessor 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Do we know why he left?

[–]sexyshoulderdevil 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

I don't. /u/stonepimpletilists might.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

No reason. Just off to the sunset.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah. Lot of guys are just done. They've said what they had to say, and then just take off.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Was the perfect time. Over his wife, has new plates. Got a new dog, and starting up a bunch of awesome hobbies. Last kid is out of college, and retiring.

Literally the most freedom I've ever seen out of a single man in here

[–]alphabeta49 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

Holy fuck. I thought I was on top of things.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil -1 points0 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Ah...did you know WMP is back? Incognito though. (And I'm only guessing...it's my new hobby.)

[–]RuleZeroDAD 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

I think it's someone weak and sensitive. You never know who reappear or why.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Or new additions might serve to be a bit of misdirection. I'm not am quite sure yet. With time the voice ends up always leaking through like a finger print. ;-)

[–]alphabeta49 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

For awhile there, adderallabuse was sounding like cad.

[–]Persaeus -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

What is rule zero Dad? Just curious.

[–]RuleZeroDAD -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's the Mission that underpins everything we do. The hub of our purpose that sometimes gets lost in the details:

Rule Zero

We make the mission harder by already having a significant other as a focus, but make no mistake, the man is lost if the focus is lost.

That's what Rule Zero is. As for Dad, you'll get to know him too, eventually.

[–]bornredd 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

God damn son, your wife just died. You have a 3 year old son, so I'm assuming you were married for at least 4 years.

It's going to take a few years to get over this. Love her, admit you love her, and live the best life you can. That's probably what she would have wanted for you - in fact, I bet since you knew this was coming, you two had that exact conversation.

Remember the happy times, and live even more.

[–]Persaeus 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

that's the piece that's nagging at me. She was never one to give me that attaboy anyway ... it pissed her off that I sought the validation, so all the better that I stopped looking for it -- but not even being able to angle for it in this time of crisis is hurting.

Missing something that was never there in the first place....men are the romantics.

[–]Blackthorn82 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

Good Luck, condolences from a random internet stranger.

First- just grieve, it will suck for awhile.

Second- If everything is black and white, we wouldn't need MRP. You are seeing things clearly. You recognize your wife's faults. You also loved her. You can do both and still be of value. Take your time. Your validation can now come from within. You do not need other people's validation because you are strong enough to call yourself on your bullshit.

Did you do a bad ass memorial? You know if you did, and if you did, in the state you were undoubtedly in- Then fuck yea, carry on.

Are you going to be a great father to your son?

Etc, Etc,

Good luck

[–]taon4r5[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The memorial service was excellent. I kept thinking -- wow, she did a great job ... and then realized I did the whole thing. Yay, me.

The only botch ended up being humourous. I made a 42-minute "face movie" in Picasa, with about 1200 pictures. I sat through the whole thing before rendering to make sure there were no inappropriate or overly embarrassing images in it. At least I thought I did. Somehow, a batch of naked-in-the-bathtub (but mostly covered up) pics from our honeymoon ended up in there....projected up on the big screen in front of an overflow crowd.

So, I opened my speech by suggesting my wife got over her excessive modesty in the afterlife and snuck the photos in there. Big laugh.

I got lots of comments after my speech praising how raw, brave and overwhelmingly honest it was. I didn't paint her as a saint -- I showed her as a frustrating, flawed, ultimately unhappy woman who we still loved anyway. I guess people aren't used to hearing anything other than nice things about dead people....but the sheer realness of my sentiments cut through.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dude, your wife just died in front of you and you're suddenly a single parent. Cut yourself some slack.

[–]ZeeyardSA 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think about death often....We generally live life as if we will live forever yet death is inevitable. Its partly why i have so much regret in my life(Still cant shake the fact that I squandered my youth in religious fanaticism and not live the life I wanted to live) However I have to live with what I have and there is nothing that I can do about the past, look at the present and the future. It is what drives me to work to be the best Dad and husband that I can be.

I often think about her dying, think about my kids dying, think about myself dying but you know what life will carry on, we will move on and continue like the day before.

You cant control your emotions you did not plan for her to die, all you can do is know that she is no longer suffering and is no longer a burden to you.

Grieve, cry, wail and do whatever the hell you feel you need to do but your life will carry on and you will get over it.

[–]LaV-Man 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I have close family relatives (not a wife) that I don't get along with, in fact we've done some shitty things to each other over the years. I could care less if they are in my life or not. When/if they visit they know there is zero tolerance for BS in my house. Pop off and you're leaving, I literally don't care if they're around or not.

That being said, if they died, even the worst of them, I'd experience grief for the loss of that person. Even wanting the experience of dismissing them if nothing else.

How much more so this would apply to my wife. It is not the receiving of validation that is wrong, but the wanting and expecting (and even more so the seeking).

People around us validate us constantly. In our brief interactions with strangers and in our relationships with those closest to us. It's not a bad thing. It's the seeking out and reliance on that is not alpha.

Being alpha doesn't mean you are so aloof as to not mind the passing of your wife, that's sociopathic.

[–]Persaeus -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

that's sociopathic.

Can confirm.

[–]GC0W30 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If I'd conquered my need for wifely validation, why is the thing that makes me cry the fastest that I don't have her around to tell about...well, how well I've handled shit since?

It's conditioning. Your mind hasn't really finished realizing that she's gone.

A divorced man has something similar; your habits aren't immediately subject to reality when life changes.

I can't help but think things could've been better if I'd just been a bit more .... smack me if you need to .... romantic.

It probably wouldn't have been. The guys who needed to be more romantic usually don't wind up needing TRP and its associated communities.

You've got the opportunity to test all these TRP theories once mourning and ends and logistics permit.

When my last LTR ended, I took that chance to try running RP game, also try going with my instincts, and try running what I thought of as BP game.

I hated the results, because I loved the BP lie, but... all this TRP shit won when I ran my tests.

So long as you put your offspring first during these tests, I invite you to do the same.

I feel for you, bro. Stay strong.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

First, sorry about the death of your wife.

Read your whole post. You really did answer your own questions. Just keep on going, you will be fine.

[–]ex_addict_bro -3 points-2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I won't brag about my last 3 days.

All I have to tell you... STFU and trust the red pill completely.

Invest in yourself - lift, read.

Invest in yourself - take care of your kid. Yes, that's still investing in yourself.

Like the oxygen mask in the airplane. First, put it on yourself. Then comes your kid.

Trust the red pill completely. I won't brag about my last 3 days, I won't brag about my plans. As TFA said, all we have is now. And, in the present moment, it is either "acting red" or not.

And, you better act red. If you have any doubts, just trust it completely. Things will happen you did not think that are possible. This will be your new reality. Maybe not today, maybe in 2 or 3 years, but it will.

Godspeed!

[–]screechhater -2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Boy, what a true statement Act "red" and trust it all the way.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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