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Because of an Air Conditioner....not really (self.marriedredpill)

submitted by ReddJive

I bought an AC. First one for the house. My house is older....really unique, but it was built some decades before AC was considered standard for homes. It really didn't need it. It was perfectly situated in the wind, and there were some other structural advantages. When I replaced the roof a few weeks ago that changed and we lost most of that, other then the wind, but it wasn't enough with high humidity. The breeze didn't flow like it once did. The family was getting too hot during the day, and I figured an small AC unit would be a good idea. The electric bill isn't bad in the summer.

Install it. It's running for a few hours when she gets home. She goes into orbit About it, which then is a spring into other things, I am untrustworthy, how I didn't discuss things with her, how I just do and never talk, then of course it spirals into how controlling I am, I got the speech about how marriage is 50/50, she doesn't know what I think and feel any more... I kind of lost track from there.

I knew this was not about the AC at all or any of the bullshit. It was about the news she got at her physical yesterday.

I patted the couch where I sat. She came and sat down.

Held her for an hour.

She got up. Got something to drink, and sat back down

She smiled and said, "So what movie are we going to watch?"

"James Bond. Spectre"

The rest of the night was pleasant.


[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

What did they change on the house to screw up the air flow?

[–]ReddJiveMRP APPROVED3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Urgh. OK. Completely irrelevant to the MRP story, BUT....

So...there is an attic fan and there was a roof vent specially for it.

IN the summer it was great. Fan goes on draws all the air up and through the house. In the winter...whole other story.

Replaced the roof we decided to cap it off. Heating bill was very high...it all went out that vent no matter what I did.

So...this summer the fan isn't as effective. Not even close.

So...enter the AC

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'd say I'm sorry to ask. And i wont., but I'm an engineer so....

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

We all have our threshold of tolerance for shitty behavior. Her rant is low on my threshold because it isn't harmless; it's an uncontrolled, disrespectful, inaccurate outburst.
Did you talk like that to your teammates when something didn't go your way? Did you talk like that to your boss when he made a decision you didn't like? Did you say that to one of the players you coach when they made their own decision on a play? Of course you didn't do any of these things, because you have a modicum of fucking respect for others. It's a partnership and that isn't being a partner. Having a vagina doesn't excuse that behavior. Just because she's a wife/LTR doesn't mean AWALT and don't correct he behavior.

Don't mind me, I've been married to a woman w/ that behavior for years. For us, her shitstorms never decreased; only steadily increased. They weren't a big deal after all, since is calm her down eventually (ever lived wq an alcoholic? This is similar). Maybe your wife hasn't outlived her usefulness or your attraction level to her, but I finally realized that my wife's behavior was intolerable and increasingly disrespectful. So, despite her regularly fucking my brains out and frequent threesomes w/ pre-wall beauties, it finally reached the end and stopped being worth it. Nowhere else in my life is that behavior tolerated, and especially not from an underperforming team member. They get performance managed, demoted, fired, and now, divorced.

[–]druganswer 2 points2 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Some even better questions: Would she talk like that to anyone but him? Would he accept (and even reward) that kind of behavior from anyone but his oneitis?

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, that's a dangerous, but apt comparison: does she treat every person (strangers and friends alike) like she treats you behind closed doors? Why would you accept any behavior from your woman that you wouldn't accept from strangers or friends?

[–]Air4ce10 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

It finally reached the end and stopped...

I was just arguing with my LTR the other day about this. Honestly I let the emotions get the better of me and got a little angry, but she had been disrespecting for 2 days and I was tired of it. So we argued, I hit a sweet spot where I said exactly what you said in your post "Nowhere else in my life is that behavior tolerated, and especially not from an underperforming team member. They get performance managed, demoted, fired, and now, divorced." Then I turned around and said "So what makes you think I'm going to sit here and let you disrespect me? I'm sick and tired of it and it ends now. Do you know what she did? She fucking smiled...and bit her lower lip.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

That is awesome to hear. You just had the crystalline point in your relationship. Of course it wasn't smooth and pretty, but you got your point across loud and clear and she knows the rules.

I'm assuming when she smiled and hit her lip you proceeded to fuck her like a caveman.

[–]Air4ce10 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That night of course.

[–]redearththeory2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you're sure it's really about her fear of a medical condition, give her patriarchal reassurance - "Now, now sweety, you're just being silly, come here." You can understand how it might be scary to think your husband and your health are out of control. Give her strength and security.

Health issues aside normally I'm a fan of imposing a cost for significant misbehaviour. Make dismissive comment about her acting like a child and leave for a bit. Counter attack a bit and call her pathetic. Cancel an outing.

I am untrustworthy, how I didn't discuss things with her, how I just do and never talk, then of course it spirals into how controlling I am, I got the speech about how marriage is 50/50, she doesn't know what I think and feel any more

But honestly a lot of her speech sounds like an MRP compliment (how I just do and never talk).

[–]screechhaterMRP APPROVED2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Reddjive. She smacked you in the face with some past failures but you came out smelling like a rose on this one. She was testing you as to whether you can handle her womanhood being surgically removed and you passed. She is hamsstering on life changing shit and you got it. My friends SO had a double mastectomy and he handled it like an omega and the result is divorce and a fucking mess

Some of you ego fucks think this is respect and punish. Wrong. It is correct to state you just know when you get it. This is not punish and reward this is stay the course in a rough storm like you have never experienced

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (63 children) | Copy Link

I am untrustworthy, how I didn't discuss things with her, how I just do and never talk, then of course it spirals into how controlling I am

Listen, I am all for following action over words. This is not to counter that very accurate and proven point.

With that said, she should not be saying these things still. Try to look into this to see if there is any way you can get these types of reactions out of her mind for good.

I can't remember the last time my wife said I was controlling or untrustworthy. We've argued for sure, but these types of 'buzzwords' need to be eradicated slowly but surely.

[–]Blackthorn8 7 points7 points [recovered] | Copy Link

You sure about that?

I always value your comments because your view is slightly askew of the primary MRP focus. You are going to look to see what behavior the man needs to change to get the marriage he wants. That is the way to approach problems in this forum. However, isn't this a "you know your wife" situation?

I have read some shit about some of the men's wives on here that blows my mind. I truly can't imagine my wife doing or saying some of it.

You've said multiple times that your wife is high value, etc. This may not be the case with Redd. He could be dealing with the mega ball buster that we know exists. Even though it is all on us, there are still legit asshole women out there.He could be doing fine and she can just be a woman that hamsters, or has the want to spin feelz a lot more than the average woman.

My point is there are outliers in every argument. Instances that are the extreme that do not apply because they are rare. I would even argue that we are more likely to encounter those outliers here than anywhere else because frustration drives men here.

Maybe ReddJive can weigh in and make an honest assessment of his situation.

[–]UEMcGillMarried- MRP MODERATOR6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

"Controlling and untrustworthy" in the context of MRP can have several connotations.

Woman are primary covert communicators. So early in a relationship she says that it's probably coming from a place of conflict. "I don't feel like I'm in control anymore".

Later in, her saying that could very well mean other things. In our heroes case it was probably out of fear, from her bad doc appointment. Again, she said it, but it's not what she means. She's conveying feeling. "Shit sucks at the doctor, and now you do this?!? I feel out of control!" Hero's course of action was correct.

If it continues as a common theme, it means your leadership style is in conflict with the crew. Redpill is amoral, so you could give no fucks (dark triad) or you could improve (the alpha provider). But recognizing the conflict is a redpill trait. You need to be cognizant of your actions and their possible effects.

If your spinning plates it's no big deal. You let plates drop, add new ones and you can put relatively little effort into maintaining relationships. In a LTR this is where the long game comes in. I you want to maintain a LTR you need to manage and grow it.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are correct, I just wanted him to ensure he is taking the time to reflect on is this her being her or is there an actual issue

Only he will know, but it boils down to you know your wife

[–]ReddJiveMRP APPROVED4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

This may not be the case with Redd. He could be dealing with the mega ball buster that we know exists

And that is a bunch of horse shit. The ball buster exists because we allowed it or created it. They aren't just born.

Sure...she came with baggage, but I was all too aware of that baggage. I ignored it for the very same reasons we all did.

My assessment? I don't fucking know. There is no way to know. I did some fucked up shit that I am ashamed to have done. That certainly didn't help. For the most part it's fixed, amends made as only a man should, and a couple I am still in the process of fixing.

Even still women don't forget easily.

Water wears rock. Time is on my side.

In the mean time, do, reflect, improve. It's all you can do.

[–]Blackthorn8 2 points2 points [recovered] | Copy Link

"And that is a bunch of horse shit. The ball buster exists because we allowed it or created it. They aren't just born."

Nah- at some point you have to hold people accountable for their actions. You look to your own behavior first. However, sometimes people fuck up. Shitty people do exist and can do shitty things even though you did nothing wrong. You are correct in that you allow it or not.

I strive to subdue my ego first when trying to make a decision. More times than not it is on me in that I screwed up somewhere. With that said, if you cannot make an honest assessment of where you are in your map- then how will you ever make a good decision?

If you can't tell when someone is screwing up because of their own bullshit or a mistake you made- then how do you even tell when someone is high value or low value?

In this situation- you read it correctly in my mind. She was overwhelmed by bad news, you made an intuitive decision and your ship benefited as a result. I don't know if I would have processed that information as quickly and made the correct call. You chose to be an oak in the face of her emotions. Bravo.

However, if you interpreted her behavior correctly- then she inherrently behaved poorly here. She used you as an emotional tampon. I don't think it is any big deal. I think it falls into a spouse's duty to take some shit every now and again. As long as you understand it is an example of poor behavior. Even if we all nod our heads and say, I understand why she was overwhelmed.

[–]ReddJiveMRP APPROVED1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You ask way too many questions. I didn't read it correctly. i didn't have to analyze it, or consider it....I knew it. That's the difference.

She inherently behaved poorly here

Did she or did she behave as I would expect a woman who is under stress? Any woman, high value or not is going to unleash when faced with stress. Everyone's cup gets filled up every now and again....just depends on how deep it is.

I know she likes to hurt people when she's angry or upset...that's the shitty low value part. So time will tell if this behavior is corrected.

I am not surprised she went for my weak spot. She behaved as excepted. So I didn't choose the right method I knew the right method. She was lashing out not in anger, which is when behavioral correction would have been needed.

As for knowing if someone is high value or not? You know. when you see it you know.

[–]Blackthorn8 2 points2 points [recovered] | Copy Link

My questions are rhetorical. That's my fault for being unclear.

"Did she or did she behave as I would expect a woman who is under stress? Any woman, high value or not is going to unleash when faced with stress. Everyone's cup gets filled up every now and again....just depends on how deep it is."

She did behave poorly. Whether you expect it or not, whether you understand the "why" behind the lash out, does not mean the behavior was not poor. It was shit. I am not judging her or anyone for that response. I understand it. But, I am not willing to not identify it or let it go by without introspection.

Here's why fleshing this out is important-

Are you cool with her teaching (assuming you have kids) your kids this behavior?

What if you do not know the source of her anxiety and respond in a different manner?

How do you deign when you should be her punching bag and when it is unacceptable? Where is that line? (All of the previous questions are rhetorical)

-When you decide you are no longer ok with being her emotional punching bag, you should blame yourself first. By tolerating her behavior, you are giving it your validation and consent.

If you do not say anything after she has calmed down, you are missing an opportunity to better your ship.

The first behavior is on her. Every time that behavior is repeated is on you. You can't decide one day you are going to hold her accountable for all previous transgressions.

She's sitting there wondering why you have a problem with this behavior now and you have always been fine with it in the past.

This would be classified in her mind as unstable leadership. You must not be the leader she thought you were. "Oh god- should she be in charge? She begins feeling stress, anxiety at being the one making the decisions- shit tests start flowing ad nauseaum seeing if she was mistaken- maybe you are a leader." She starts emotionally attacking you because she habitually resorts to this when she is feeling anxious. Etc, etc

You see the possibility of a negative cycle?

[–]ReddJiveMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

No no. I got ya.

Scurvemuch said pretty much the same.

Time to step it up.

[–]BluepillProfessorMarried-MRP MODERATOR0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sometimes the ballbuster already exists, and she pretends to be sweet and innocent and then you marry her. Even though you knew the truth all along.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

she doesn't know what I think and feel anymore

That's may be the crux of the problem, IMHO. She can't work out what makes him tic anymore so she's unable to predict how he's going to react or what's important to him. If her sense of self-worth is externalized to depend on seeing her reflection in he husband's eyes, this loss of understanding threatens her.

It's pretty common that relationships start with both partners relying on mutual reflections. Basically he holds up a mirror and she holds up a mirror. Both like what they see in the mirror and that's how the relationship starts. This mirror show is an orgy of validation and very exciting. But over time the mirror show falls apart and the reflections we see of ourselves become ugly. The reflection isn't reality and it depends on the partner. It's externalized validation. People get trapped trying to fix their partner's mirror by adjusting the mirror they show their wife so that they can get the external validation orgy running again. But that's all smoke and mirrors (Nice Guy behavior).

Seeing yourself in our women's mirror is a big part of being in her frame. What we know here is that it's the externalized validation that hast to be replaced with internalized self-validation (building our frame). As his MAP progresses her mirror is still broken.

jacktenofhearts was working on a MRP phase theory that I think got close but misses the later stages. His model was:

Phase 1: you are in her frame

Phase 2: you are in your own frame

Phase 3: your wife is in your frame

This was a model he developed to explain how he diagnosed relationships and tailor advice. How to transition from 1 to 2 is well understood. You build your frame and get out of her frame. How to transition from 2 to 3 isn't understood yet and was more speculative and WIP. It was hit or miss. Sometimes some just leave. Other times it works. Other times people stay in phase 2 and are happy.

I think the flaw is that we've made a major flawed assumption that your wife has her own frame and is operating in it.

More and more I think the answer has to do with the woman's frame. If she likes her new reflection in your frame you get phase 3. If she doesn't like her new reflection she leaves. But if we reexamine the assumption that she even has a frame, then she's still living with externalized self-worth/validation.

But it should be obvious that there's a different solution.

I think what's really going on is:

As you develop internal self-worth she can't manipulate your mirror by moving her mirror. This causes a crisis because she still has external self-worth. The problem is her incorrect thoughts about what you think of her. If she figures out what makes you tic, she might just be satisfied and leave it there. Or she might just settle in to festering resentment.

Or she might start to learn to rely on her own internal self-validation with both partners ending up in their own frames.

[–]red_blue_and_hot2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There's deeper theory here. I'm just not sure what it is. I'd encourage you to keep notes while you are reading, follow this train of thought further, and see where it gets you. Just from what's here, it seems it could be very useful.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

I really like your final paragraph. To the point where I am going to write my next post on it.

She is a mirror of you, you are not a mirror of anyone. You send signals, you don't receive them.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

haha you're so much more prolific than I am I'll look forward to what you write. I have occasional sparks of typing when some idea sets and I want to trial it a bit. Most of what I'm pondering lately comes from this book called "Intimacy and Desire" from the deadbedrooms sidebar. If you can get past the title it's basically a book entirely about the theory and importance of frame and what it is--but it's gender neutral. It's taking me a long time to read it because I'm translating/integrating it into MRPese as I go (the mirror visuals come from integrating your writing). It seems like most of the mental game of MRP fits inside it, but it has a lot of worked detail and additional things to say about gaps in our method. You should add it to your reading list. I've been outlining a few posts based on the content but I'm even slower than BPP.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

MRPese

I LOL'd at this

[–]Chump_No_MoreHard Core Nuclear Navy Red0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yup, I've said many times here, "You receive what you project".

If you wonder why you keep hooking up with low esteem, CC-riding, BSC women with daddy issues, it's because you project low value and attract low value women.

If you wonder why your wife is a ball buster, constantly shit testing and doesn't trust you, it's because you're a drunk captain, you project incompetence, and your wife is pissed she has to lead.

[–]PersaeusMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you wonder why you keep hooking up with low esteem, CC-riding, BSC women with daddy issues, it's because you project low value and attract low value women.

Mistakes were made.

If you wonder why your wife is a ball buster, constantly shit testing and doesn't trust you, it's because you're a drunk captain, you project incompetence, and your wife is pissed she has to lead.

Your improvement may not fix the relationship. Next

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (27 children) | Copy Link

I knew this was not about the AC at all or any of the bullshit. It was about the news she got at her physical yesterday.

I think this might be the pivot point for whether or not her actions are still a problem or a one time thing. Depending on the news (pregnant? Overweight? Bad health news? I dont want to know im just speculating) it might just be that his wife lost control from stress related to that. Too little information to make a call.

[–]ReddJiveMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (23 children) | Copy Link

might just be that his wife lost control from stress related to that. Too little information to make a call.

I knew what the issue was. The doc told her she was prolapse stage 2, that detail was a little unimportant unless I was looking for advice. For the uninformed, this is Essentially a few steps away from a hysterectomy. Still treatable and everything. But for her it was the end of the world. She goes to dark places quickly.

I knew WHY she was freaking. I knew how to handle it. Just had to weather the storm and get her to safe shores.

Took the morning off work. She's at the gym. We are doing breakfast out.

So far good day.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (20 children) | Copy Link

I have to agree that while you did the right thing, at some point, you do have to hold her accountable for her words.

Having a bad day, sucky day, awful day, does not give a free pass to gaslight.

She has feelz that she can't control. What she can control is HOW she expresses them.

Do you have a plan to lead her to no more gas-lighting?

It would be fine for example to say "Redd, when you do this kind of crap you should talk it over with me first, it affects both of us"

Instead of " Redd, you are so controlling ___Insert hamsterSqueek here"

[–]ReddJiveMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (19 children) | Copy Link

Do you have a plan to lead her to no more gas-lighting?

No. I don't.

I've been wrapped up in improvement. Guess it's time to start projecting outwards.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (17 children) | Copy Link

Lead the way man

[–]ReddJiveMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (16 children) | Copy Link

Follow me.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (15 children) | Copy Link

Only if you give me a nice back rub first

[–]ReddJiveMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (14 children) | Copy Link

Shave it first

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

Fuck you , you controlling bastard! If my back isnt good enough to rub for you, go find someone else

Slam door

Cry

Slam Some other shit around

Furious texts to my other boyfriends about how you are a dick

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Side note: The implications of that for her probably make her feel emotionally like less of a woman, failed as a woman, etc. more than just about anything else other than like breast cancer or losing a pregnancy. Just throwing that out there, might be a useful nugget to work with.

[–]ReddJiveMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

No. You're right. She does.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Agreed, something about her physical may set her into this type of tantrum, stress is weird.

It's those key words I look at though, my wife doesn't say them so when I see it, I think if MY wife said that, something is fucking wrong

Each marriage is unique

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

it is not THAT unique

We all know what is and is not shit behavior within our language and culture.

My wife tried to throw that kind of crap around early on ( we have different cultural backgrounds ) so I got a lot of " thats not what I meant, You shouldn't take it that way, everyone talks differently, and when your parents say XYZ I don't get upset"

Err... Nope -

99/100 people know when they are being shitty.

[–]ReddJiveMRP APPROVED1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

With that said, she should not be saying these things still. Try to look into this to see if there is any way you can get these types of reactions out of her mind for good.

I don't disagree. I am at a loss to figure a way around it. The only thing I can do is keep on doing. I do the same things I do every day. Slight variations based on the office and a couple side business ideas I am working. Otherwise it's the same.

I suspect a lot of this is from 12 years as a Blue Pill beta. Isn't on average one month for every year of marriage? If so...I still have 9 months.

My going in theory is that she uses it as her way of hurting me....she likes people to feel as badly as she does. It's shitty, but that's her way. And yes, Jack10s idea of shitty people rings LOUDLY...but I am not going to ruin her life and the kids life over it. When/if that time comes I will leave her better than I found her.

So on one hand the "I don't trust you" argument is bullshit, yet on the other I am being reflective enough to figure out where there may be another reason I am not aware of.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Keep on keeping on brother. It does take time, this is a gradual process and these types of fits are habits/behaviors that will (should) fix themselves over time.

I just want you to always keep an open mind.

Also, I do the same things I do every day. Slight variations based on the office and a couple side business ideas I am working. Otherwise it's the same.

Don't forget to remain UNpredictable

[–]ReddJiveMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

WILCO

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

How would you go about addressing these issues? Talk with her about it later? Don't respond at the time?

I think it's somewhat common for women to completely lose it when they are upset/emotional and say things that are beyond the pale of reasonable conversation. "You're controlling", "fuck you", etc.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

I'd be pretty blunt. Once it was all said and done, in this case right before they watched 007 I'd say something along the lines of, Babe, don't say I'm untrustworthy, you know you can trust me more than any other person on this planet. No matter what the fight is about, or how mad you are, don't say that again

If it doesn't bother OP or if she is just like that, it doesn't need to be said. In my marriage, that shit wouldn't fly so I'd have the convo.

Pick your battles and win them.

As for the heat of the moment My wife uses asshole as her go to.

Her: Why are you being such an asshole

Me: This is me happy

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

Babe, don't say I'm untrustworthy, you know you can trust me more than any other person on this planet. No matter what the fight is about, or how mad you are, don't say that again

...OR WHAT?

"Hey honey if you want to trigger me, just do that again. I care that you thinktell me I'm trustworthy."

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

Gotta draw boundaries man. My lady knows when I say not to do something to not do that thing.

[–]druganswer 3 points3 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Okay, this argument between you two has validity from both ends. TFA's point about a completely different relationship is the main kicker here. TFA is probably in a place where his wife wouldn't say this type of shit in the first place. OP is possibly in a place where his wife would realize this is his Achilles heel and go after it.

I read a lot of these comments and the one thing I didn't see pointed out is: This could have been nipped with some major acta non verba.

SO... OP

Install it. It's running for a few hours when she gets home. She goes into orbit About it, which then is a spring into other things, I am untrustworthy, how I didn't discuss things with her, how I just do and never talk, then of course it spirals into how controlling I am, I got the speech about how marriage is 50/50, she doesn't know what I think and feel any more... I kind of lost track from there. I knew this was not about the AC at all or any of the bullshit. It was about the news she got at her physical yesterday. I patted the couch where I sat. She came and sat down. Held her for an hour.

Okay, I get it... she had some bad news from the doctor. If we're talking anything below cancer, though, she still shouldn't be "going to the moon" at you over the AC. You then proceeded to hold her for an hour as a reward for her shitty outburst. If she blows up and says how untrustworthy you are etc. just remove your presence. You don't need to have the boundary talk. She will get it eventually. I'm going out on a limb here, but I am going to guess that the reason TFA's wife wouldn't say shit like this is because he wouldn't need to have a talk with her about it. He would act. And that's why if he ever did feel the need to set a verbal boundary, she would listen, because she knows he is more than just a bunch of talk. Sitting and taking a beating only to give her comfort right after is passively training her to do this shit more often.

/u/pikadildo and /u/ReddJive - tagging you so that you are alerted as well, since I wanted to respond to all three of you.

[–]ReddJiveMRP APPROVED2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am not dismissing the guidance on behavior changes. It's happening. It's in the works. Yet when she exploded it was like a Gatling gun...just area fire all over the place.

Normally this isn't the case and I handle it exactly as you describe here. It's a process for sure. And it's not going to end in a few weeks.

As for the medical issue? Yeah. It may not have been a big deal to me or you, but it was to her. facing a potential hysterectomy is not an easy thing for a woman.

My take away from this whole exchange is that it's time to stop with the internalization and move forward. If I am more forceful in behavior modification in the other instances this won't be ammunition used in her emotional break downs.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

More of a DEER fence, IMHO

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It depends man, OP and I are not in the same place with our relationships.

This works for me, it may not for him or you.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

you are wrong.

if it is a boundary that is new to her ( or you) it is up to you to set it verbally ( once)

it is up to you to defend that boundary once set with actions.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, I suppose setting a new boundary for each word in the dictionary as they come up should work. Maybe after enough egg shells she'll figure out the covert communication that you don't like to be disrespected. And that when you're disrespected you'll feed her emotional attention.

Justify a boundary based on "when you say that I feel bad"? That's retarded IMHO.

This just goes back to trying to control other people because you can't control yourself.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Don't be dense. I said a new boundary. I did not say new word or even new expression.

If you have to explain that certain words are disrespectful, you should probably just get divorced and send her back to her parents to let them try their hand at parenting again.

And, I don't justify boundaries... why do you??

edit = pronouns

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

You're talking about TFA's suggested script for OP, which is what I was also criticizing. Seems we agree. ;)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Asshole go-to here too +1 do we get a t-shirt

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

k

[–]ReddJiveMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

How's retirement?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lol, quick 6 months, crushing it again.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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