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9 months ago my wife moved in with her new boyfriend, leaving my daughter and I 60 miles away, the day before my mid-term exams and in the middle of nursing school. Two weeks later she forcibly removed my daughter from my hands and drove off - I lawyered up and filed for divorce. Now, 6 months later, I am officially divorced, no child support, with joint custody over my daughter. There is no way this would have happened how it did if I hadn't found trp. There's no way I would have known how to handle her going psychotic on me, threatening me with fake calls to the police, threatening to take my daughter from me on a daily basis. I held frame, I never raised my voice, I protected my time with my daughter and ensured I'd never lose her. I held frame and never gave in. I could have lost my daughter to this woman. Thank you trp.


[–]MotchGoffels[S] 13 points14 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

Here is a lengthy explanation of the situation. I had someone request me to cross-post over here, as it may apply more directly to this community.

This was in response to someone asking me to elaborate on what I meant by "holding frame".

I had a moment of weakness where we'd taken our daughter to her three month check up together. At this point she'd realized her mistake and wanted me back. I wasn't ready to let her back in though, and this infuriated her. After the appointment we drove back to my apartment and she asked me again to take her back, I declined, and she started yelling at me, saying I'd never see my daughter again. She unbuckled my daughter and took her to her car. This was the only instance where I truly lost frame and began shouting for her to give my daughter back to me, as it was my time to have her, and that she'd get her two days later. She refused, and threatened to call the police, and then a bystander chimed in saying that she is a social worker and will call the police for her. At this point it set in, and I completely unraveled knowing that if she really did get the police involved I would lose everything. I was almost in tears trying to explain to the lady that it was my time to have my daughter, that my wife was basically kidnapping her from me, but she didn't care, there was no way she would side with me. I then retreated to my apartment and lost it, completely unravelled and cried knowing that at that point I was powerless.

This is where I called my lawyer, someone who I'd sought out a couple weeks prior as more of a "just in case" last resort. I met with him the next day and filed for divorce. He explained to me that I need to stay calm in every interaction I have with her, and that I should never allow her any time with me in private, as it makes me vulnerable. I was able to negotiate a temporary custody agreement with the friend of the court that would give me protection over my time with my daughter during the waiting period.

There is a six month waiting period for divorce with children involved, and it was the most stressful six months of my entire life. On a nightly basis I would get texts and phone calls from my ex that began with her trying to toy with my emotions, explaining how she is a different person now, how she made a huge mistake and that she's full of regret. I would never give in though, as I'd seen into the pit that is her heart and wouldn't submit myself to her ever again. After rejecting her she would go off on me, screaming, shouting, and threatening that she will take my daughter and all of my belongings in the divorce. This happened at least 4-5 days out of every week for the past six months.

I held frame though, I never raised my voice to her ever again, I stayed calm in every interaction with her and never gave in. I resumed lifting, quit smoking, started eating right again, and diverted all of my energy and attention to my daughter and my studies. I kept a detailed log of every day I had her, and of every time my ex would slip up on her parenting. I never allowed her to enter any private setting with me. I did everything I could to protect my time with my little girl and found her to be the perfect person for me to love.

So the 20th finally came around, my D-day. I entered the courtroom with my lawyer and we waited. My ex-wife never showed up. I was granted a default judgement of divorce, the temporary order became permanent. That was the best day I'd had in an incredibly long time.

[–]Stories_of_Red19 points20 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

and then a bystander chimed in saying that she is a social worker and will call the police for her.

Of course the social worker did, of course.

Gentlemen, pay attention to that sentence. The bias against men is revealed right there. That person, that "social worker", is part of the Cathedral and is not an unbiased person in the process. You are in hostile territory the entire time you are in the court process or dealing with ANY agent licensed by the state.

That is not paranoia talking; that is the considered judgement of someone who has seen the Cathedral at work, up close.

[–]MRPguyMarried2 points3 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

The entire divorce industry is set up for two purposes:

  1. Rape and pillage men for everything they have, no matter what the actual facts are.

  2. Drag things out as long as possible in order to pad the wallets of the attorneys involved. You'll often see a judge mandate "arbitration," which is a fancy way of him giving the attorneys more billable hours while he likely receives a financial kickback himself.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Rape and pillage men for everything they have, no matter what the actual facts are.

why go after the woman? She doesn't make any money in a lot of these

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Item #1 and #2, are facts from my experience.

[–]fauxscot0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Nope. That is not the purpose. It may be the effect, but the people involved have good intentions. Biased and misdirected? Perhaps. Evil? No.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

Court's don't send cases to arbitration to pad the wallets of attorneys. They do it to lessen their case loads. Judges receive static salaries that are always the same whether they hear 1 case or a 1000. Their view is let someone else do all they work as they (that being the judges) will still get paid.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

But the net result is to increase the atty's hours billed. I don't know or care about the judge getting a kickback.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

You said that that "was the purpose" it's not. You also now say it's the "net result" again it isn't. Is higher attorney fees a consequence of that decision? Quite possibly (but not necessarily, you'd have to show how arbitration routinely allowed for more billable hours than adjudicating cases strictly in the court room). The net result for those making the choice to send these cases to arbitration is decrease in case/work load without a corresponding decrease in court fees (attorney fees are not court fees). So, the Court system makes money by requiring you to pay a filing fee to have the case heard then orders you to pay an arbitrator to hear/decide the case so the court doesn't have to. That's the net result all others are merely correlating results.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Well fuck me. What do I know. Let's see... Oh here's the old bill from my atty.... $27,660. You obviously have more first hand experience than I. Excuse the fuck out of me.

White Knighting for the legal system is somewhere near the bottom of Hell for me. But what would I know.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

HEY! Don't white knight shame ME. Take your redneck, mysandric double standards and leave. You're going to make me organize a white knight pride march up in here.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

OP I love a parade.

[–]its-icemanMarried5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She no-showed the divorce hearing? Does that work like a default judgement where you get your terms period?

[–]MotchGoffels[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's kind of unclear the way I worded it, but I had discussed with her over the past few weeks how she doesn't need to go to the hearing if she just wants to continue as we have been. She would go back and forth between threatening to take my daughter and then agreeing that it should be joint custody/parenting. Actions spoke much louder than words in this case though, because for the entire six month temporary custody agreement she followed it adherently, and we communicated enough to ensure each of us had our daughter at least half of the time. If she were truly trying to take full custody she'd have had to of been fighting the temporary agreement the whole time. Since she never truly fought it, she would never have been able to just change her mind at the last moment/at the hearing, as I'd already built a case around joint parenting working fine, and it being the best thing for our daughter.

Her threats were just meant to hurt me or provoke an emotional response. The best reaction to this was to not react. She would normally do it late at night during her night shifts, as she'd have nothing better to do. I would either not respond, or respond in a diffusal fashion, explaining why I won't take her back, advising her to move on. The afternoon after these discussions she'd act as though she had never said those things, like a reset switch. I would act accordingly too. During this time frame is when we'd discuss/negotiate our calendar/times with our daughter. Then night time came around and the process would repeat.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for coming down Motch... Theres a lot of guys in here still afraid of their wives, afraid of divorce ruining their children etc.

A story of a guy making it happen will be a great lightning rod for dudes in here, and I appreciate you taking the time to crosspost.

[–]Stories_of_Red2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Now continue to hold the advantage. Keep careful records. Document everything. No personal interaction with the ex without witnesses or in public. Then, when she continues to demonstrate her lunacy, you have a record. Her accusations will come. Be ready.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This. Yes.

Remember that until your daughter reaches to age of majority, usually 18, joint custody can be taken away by your darling ex, IF, you get lazy on any of these issues.

But most importantly now, you really took charge of this; Congratulations!

[–]scapeity1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

and always exchange kid in public.. wherever there is a functional security camera.

police stations, mall food courts, etc always work well for this. Something your lawyer can subpoena the footage off of if you need it.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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