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The Main Event [FR] (self.marriedredpill)

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[–]UEMcGill 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This was an epic display of frame. Sometimes you have to give people what they want and you did. Zero fucks about outcome. Abundance mentality. Being an oak in a shit storm. It's all there.

Newbies read this an internalize it!

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Someone must be cutting onions in here.

[–]The-Fast-Yeti 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I almost reached for a tissue myself. Unfortunately I may not get to a "main event" per say, as my wife is embracing the changes and I try mixing it up a bit so she doesn't get so bored. Nevertheless, bravo and great post op and nice work. An inspiration to us all.

[–]ifellandithurt 8 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

"Fine, I knew this is what you wanted all along, to be free from all of this, this responsibility...so you can do whatever you want"

I get something similar to this every six months or so. She'll say I'm cheating or some shit and then Ill tell her calmly "if you aren't happy there's the door" and that's that. The last time she said that and I responded with that phrase she immediately jumped on me and sex was had.

She's bored and wants a little drama. AWALT.

[–]RBuddDwyer 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She'll say I'm cheating or some shit

Someone else had a great reply to that (I think it was on here):

"If you really thought I was cheating, you would have left already." And then just walk away like nothing really happened.

My wife has been doing that to me more recently. It's something she has always harbored since the beginning of our relationship, and I almost think she want's it to happen just to validate her insane beliefs. Unfortunately for her, that has never happened.

Edit: I go back and forth with following up the first line with something like, "now let's stop the dumb games..." or something dismissive like that. I'm not sure how it would play, though. It can go either Dominant ("That's cute that you think that!") or Passive Aggressive ("The constant baseless accusations are bothering me..."). I'm not sure which one to go with.

[–]turbosympathique 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

She's bored and wants a little drama. AWALT.

Sometime the simplest answer are the best!!! That's why it is so important not to be drawn into her frame.

[–]antariusz 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yea, simple shit test.

If she's cuddling with you, laying on your shoulder and crying because she thinks you'll leave her for another woman... that's the only time when "if you aren't happy there is the door" is not an appropriate response.

If you're ONLY getting shit tests, and no comfort tests, you're not giving her enough realistic dread, or your SMV isn't objectively high enough to make her believe it.

[–]NiftyDolphin 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She was trying to position you as the Bad Guy who demands a divorce and walks out on her and the children.

That's why she was leading you toward the topic of divorce without overtly stating it. If she can get you to say you want a divorce, then she can tell family and friends (and the kids) that you're the one who wanted a divorce.

She then tossed out the implication that you would be the one leaving. Which conveniently leaves her with the house and the children.

You dismantled that with your next statement.

"I didn't say that. I'm not going anywhere. If you want a divorce, that's fine. You're free to leave. These are my kids and this is my home. I'm here and not planning on leaving"

If she wants out, she has to be the bad guy who filed for divorce. She has to leave the house. She has to leave her children.

That's complete and utter social destruction for her unless she has some social cover, such as abuse. (Which wouldn't hold up, as she left the children with you.)

Your statement also provided comfort. In her solipsistic mind, if she were making all of the changes you were making, she'd be prepping for divorce.

So when you told her you weren't leaving, her response has shifted (temporarily) from FEAR to DRAMA.

And DRAMA is porn to women.

Have you stated your expectations to her? Have you said, "I'm trying to be A, B, and C in this relationship. These are good things for you, me, and for this family. I also expect X, Y, and Z from you. These are reasonable things. If you can do this, then I'm not going anywhere."

[–]fatalbinoninja 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If she wants out, she has to be the bad guy who filed for divorce. She has to leave the house. She has to leave her children.

That's complete and utter social destruction for her unless she has some social cover, such as abuse. (Which wouldn't hold up, as she left the children with you.)

This applies so much to my current situation. I'm going to initiate the main event tonight and this will be front and center in how I handle her reactions. Her reaction to me doing this will be priceless.

Is it bad that I'm now confident enough to look forward to the main event? Because no matter how it goes things will get even better for me.

[–]BluepillProfessor 6 points7 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Awesome story! When she pushes you far enough so your IDGAF is no longer an act is when the marriage often changes around completely.

When that happens you can kick yourself and get mad at your wife or you can take "yes" for an answer and carry on being the man of the home.

What I believe OP needs to do now is have another short talk with his blushing beauty. Tell her that you appreciate how well you are getting along now and that you are making 2 new rules:

  1. We will never mention the "D" word again.

  2. We will never talk about the way things were in the past but will focus on our bright future as a family.

Don't do this from a position of weakness but from a position of fatherly strength and conviction.

Also, this is just my idea. Ignore if you have a hint that it will not work for you.

[–][deleted]  (4 children) | Copy Link

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[–]itsgavinc 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

BPP is awesome, always sound advice. I would implement #2 in a heartbeat. I don't know about #1, however. I think it is good that she knows that the "D" word is always on the table and you aren't afraid of outcome.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

It's the leadership part.

In sparring, what you did was called a rsspect-getter. A strong kick to the gut that gives you space in a fight, the other guy doesn't charge in anymore because of it.

Now you can use your fighting strategy on him. This is where you can lead now. /U/Bluepillprofessor is the fucking man on this part.

Has a wife with a high status Job, crushes it pay wise, and is a lawyer... Frame and argument as a career. Her family is just as hard too.

And through all that, a liberal stem professor fucking leads it like a champ. You have to respect that.

Just don't lose his car keys.

Also, obligatory hounding over his book release date

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

She still does, delegation, the King doesn't run the state, but he runs the aristocracy that does.

Good on you man

[–]dca_member6 points [recovered] (18 children) | Copy Link

I'll be the devil's advocate: what if she did this 180 only because she saw herself kicked out of the house?

[–][deleted]  (12 children) | Copy Link

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[–]RBuddDwyer 3 points4 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

Something I considered might be happening but then decided it's not in my control so I'm not worrying about it

Great Stoic approach, but remember: your response and preparedness to the possibility of her initiating divorce is under your control. Do some homework and start putting plans in place now.

[–][deleted]  (9 children) | Copy Link

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[–]RBuddDwyer 8 points9 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Here is my plan to be completely gone within six hours of execution:

  • Take half of the cash in all our joint accounts and put it in a separate account. The separate account is an old one that I have had for years. I also have a credit card with the same institution. Our mortgage is not with this institution, to prevent them from trying to offset should mortgage payments become an issue.

  • Call HR and immediately cancel / change direct deposit. Both our paychecks go into a joint account. Unfortunately, I may not be able to change it if it is too close to payday, so I have to factor that in.

  • Change POD's and beneficiary designations on my life insurance, pension, 401K, etc... I have the forms ready to go, with the fax numbers available.

  • Pack all my shit up and throw it in the car. I have very few things that I actually care about. Mostly clothes, guns, and a few books. Everything else (like my guitar) are all things I have previously said I want to go to my children, so I do not think she would do anything to them.

  • Get a hotel room in town until situation settles, maybe a week max. Probably an extended stay place to get better rates. All these expenses are going on her credit card (of which I am an authorized user). I have my own unused credit card for when she finally cuts that one off.

  • Find a cheap place to rent for six months, continue to sort out and make plans.

  • I already send all my mail (personal and family) to a PO Box where I am the only box holder and have the only key. Nothing important goes to our home.

This gets me started and ready to be completely gone by the time she gets home. The key thing is to already have Bank names, phone numbers, and account numbers ready to go. Have the hotel and apartment picked out already, and have your paperwork ready to go to fill out the lease. I pdf a few recent bank statements to accomplish this.

The only real wrinkle is that we have two cars: the new one she drives that is titled to both of us, and the old beater I drive that is in her name only. She could, theoretically, report the car as stolen and cause me some hassle. Ultimately I would not be arrested, but if she wanted the car back, I would have to give it back to her.

Edit: I've also been documenting / journaling her shitty behavior towards the kids for any ensuing custody battle, but that is more for further down the road.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

The best part, that comes out in his interacting with her, and probably less likely be has to use it

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You should not leave the marital home until a custody plan is in writing. It will be uses against you as abandonment

[–]RBuddDwyer 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That is a good point that occurred to me after I wrote the post. The financial stuff still works, but the leaving portion is going to be situation specific. Check your jurisdiction, the abandonment issue doesn't carry the same detriment as it used to, but it is still a factor.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

We need an attorney to do a post, knowledge is power

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You should really make a post for this. A few of the new guys cant get the checking out part, and still treat it like doing it for her

My plan wasn't nearly as robust as yours, and even it was enough to turn things around.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]SexistFlyingPig 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think you're setting yourself up for success here. You're making it so that it's a lot more attractive for her to stay (and be your loving wife) than it is to leave.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

and?

That may have been one of the thoughts that's been going through her head.

Based on her response though I think it was more of a "are we divorcing or not" zit-popping, and she couldn't handle not knowing. Even if all his previous words indicated all was normal, she was reading his actions of O.I. differently.

[–]SexistFlyingPig 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree. It sounds like OP's dread game was working more than he realized. She was genuinely afraid that he was divorcing her. His words changed the entire situation for her, so now she's committed to making the relationship do what it's supposed to do.

[–]BluepillProfessor 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So? Women live in the present. His frame brought her into the future consequences of her actions very quick.

She will test his frame again and again but if he holds it she will continue to be sweet and submissive.

She may very well be scared of getting herself into homeless single-momhood but it doesn't matter.

Remember: The tingles are born in a defensive crouch.

Sometimes you activate them by working out and getting in shape. Sometimes by showing her that other women find you desirable. Sometimes by giving her a glimpse of the future without you. Either way, the tingles are born and....TINGLES UBER ELLES.

[–]EvilPenName 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Does that matter though. If she acts out the good wife is that any different than being the good wife. It could be like what /u/ifellandithurt where it is only temporary and she will start up again in a few months but for now she is on board with the program.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

she did. She also started to appreciate him as well.

It's not a hostage situation, for some reason, all of a sudden, she is insanely attracted to, and wants to submit to him.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Also: don't forget:

She may have done this because she was bored.

Women will stir up some drama in absence of it sometimes just to alleviate the boredom.

If you've been on a new path, yet now predictable path...maybe vary it up.

[–]Rasalom72 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a turning point for alot of marriages. When she realizes that you are WILLING TO WALK THE FUCK AWAY, the hamster starts doing laps. She will do a total 180, when she sees that you are your own man, and she will either follow or get out of the way, because she sure as shit can't lead. (that's what go us in that spot in the first place).

[–]Flathatter45 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Excellent post. You give me hope.

[–]SexistFlyingPig 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You've hit on the #1 reason for this sub to exist: We are trying to save your marriage and your life. You've been lied to about what your wife wants. There aren't shortcuts to this happiness. You have to run the show and you have to be good at it.

[–]bogeyd6 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is not really the main event. I do like how you summed up the actions at the end. Would like to add that not only is it time preparing, and how to deal with, but the strategic use of the RP concepts is where you really need to hit.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So , could have been a culmination comfort test (seeing as how she changed once you stated explicitly you weren't going anywhere).

She probably had her hamster in full spin on whether you gearing up for it or not and just decided to rip off the band-aid to see what was underneath. She had finally no clue as to which way the wind was blowing.

IMO they may, at these massive turning points pull a massive comfort test like this, or a massive shit test to see if there's any chance they continue to wear the pants (not this case, those would be more listentowhatiwantyoutodoorelse).

A LA main event.

Answers always the same. Cool head, clear frame, and keep on keeping on. Good job!

[–]rocknrollchuck 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Agreed, I see this as a massive comfort test. She has probably been hamstering for months about whether you are planning on leaving. GREAT job holding frame and making it clear SHE could leave if that's what she wanted. It obviously wasn't.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You did very well, bravo.

My wife tried to do the same thing with me, accuse me of forcing her to divorce me so I wouldn't have to be the "bad guy who left."

I looked her dead in the eye and said, "Are you just projecting yourself on me? If I leave, I won't give a single fuck about what anyone else thinks."

She STFU after that because she knows it's true. IDGAF what anyone thinks of me, at all.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]NiftyDolphin 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Once you figure out the tune she's dancing to, you can change the beat.

[–]itsgavinc 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Here's the thing gentlemen. When you truly don't care about her response and truly mean what you say, there's nothing a woman can do or say to rattle you. I stared at her.

I had a similar mini-main event several days ago. Outcome similar to yours. Someday I'll post a FR and detail exactly what happened. Suffice it to say, your statement is true.

[–]marriedrpguy 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Recently dealt with this as well and thanks for the FR. My situation is similar and while it hasn't improved to your extent it is better, mostly because I have realized that I have options and I know I'm willing to go through with them.

When she "calls your bluff", if it isn't a bluff there isn't anything to call. It's what you really mean.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]AutoModerator[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

In order to encourage you to research/internalize concepts before posting there is a 3 day waiting period for new accounts. There is no such restriction on /r/askMRP if you have a question. If you are new to Married Red Pill please familiarize yourself with the guidelines and the prereqs in the sidebar. Welcome.

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[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Would it be fair to say your wife was bluffing the whole time while threatening?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Bravo, just remember you earned a respite, not a war.

That frame you showed can't change in response to her new behavior

[–]turbosympathique 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

To the new guy's here.

When we talk about outcome independence this is what it is all about. Once you can see yourself single again and in control of your life then you have taken back the power dynamic in your marriage. You can try to fake it, but your wife wont believe you.

This is the hard part, you have to be ready in your heart to be single again.

  • Then your frame will be unbreakable.
  • The Power dynamic will change.
  • She will try to qualify to you, instead of you trying to qualify to her.

Once you have taken the reign of your marriage back it's on you if you fuck it up!

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]turbosympathique 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are in the position most of the old timer on MRP are at.

Like they say, with great power come great responsibility. Or if you prefer the analogy use in the little prince.

"Tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé"

Protip: Make thing fun for her, Be light hearted and have fun.

[–]RPcoyote 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah man!!!!! All balls held and no fucks given. Great job. I had a similar come to Jesus moment with my wife 4-5 weeks ago and since then she's been much much more deferential and we've been doing it every other day on average, plus fewer shitty shit tests and much more sweetness. Keep up the great work!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'd just watch the four days thing. I've basically noticed that when my wife is really worried about the status of our relationship, she all the sudden goes out of her to really change things. She's much more sexually open, her initiation is something other than just asking me a question. Anal is in the table. She starts dressing more feminine and is much more open/responsive to my leadership. Then things slowly-but-surely drift back into what they were over time as I/we get complacent and I get back to the point where I'm annoyed/bored and then get more dickish and the circle of life restarts itself.

[–]Griever114 -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Great post. good job on knocking that shit out of the park on both the shit test/comfort test/Main event.

Can someone explain what FR means?

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]Griever114 -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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