TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

8

FR?: Wife came back from family visit (self.askMRP)

submitted by Red_Dragovian

I'm still processing this and I would like feedback on what I saw and experienced. I.E. am I correct in my interpretation of events.

Backstory: Wife loves her grandparents dearly and likes to make the 6 hour drive to spend time with them multiple times a year. I enjoy the isolation and break from tech as well and usually I go with. This time I had to stay at work and was unable to go with her. She gets back yesterday after us not seeing each other for a week.

On the way home, I pick up some Lucas for the car (transmission is shifting hard). You have to apply that stuff with the engine hot and running and I needed scissors. I was so focused on that with my autistic ass that when I came in I didn't say hi, I said "I need scissors," knowing she's got a pair of ratty scissors somewhere she would prefer I use rather than the kitchen ones for cutting meat. She gets pissed, yells at me and storms off. I grab the kitchen scissors (because the car is running in the apartment parking lot and I don't want it stolen) and walk out the door. I ignore her. I take care of the issue (fucking transmission dipstick is UNDERNEATH a radiator hose. WHO THE FUCK DESIGNS A CAR LIKE THAT!?). She comes out watches me, goes back in.

I head back in, act like I've done nothing wrong, smile, give her a kiss and start making a protein shake for my dinner. I ask her whats wrong, she gives me the silent treatment, I shrug and put on some tunes. Finish my shake and pull her up to dance. She starts talking about how she's mad at me and I should apologize and she doesn't want to dance, trying to hid half a smile the WHOLE time she's talking. I just kind of flail around a bit (I suck at dancing but hey, it's fun).

We end up cuddling on the couch. She asks what's wrong with me. I smile "You're finally home and I've missed you and I'm in a good mood." She huffs, I tease her. She tries again on the apology thing, I ignore it and tease some more. She grabs a pillow and starts hitting me with it as "punishment" for being an ass talking about trading me in. I tell not to unless she thinks she can get a better model. This dissolves into tickling and pillow fights that I win "unfairly" by disarming her.

We cuddle a bit and then out of fucking no where "are you seeing other women" HOLY SHIT. I was not expecting that. I've been reading and testing on or two ideas from here for about a month. TOPS. I go full autist mode and ask her why she thought that. I was REALLY fixated on what motivated her to ask that. I just wanted to know. There's no way there's that much dread going on already. She goes on about the book on the table (NMMNG) and how it's telling me to leave her.

I corrected her "it reminds me of the importance of getting my needs met."

"It tells you to leave if they aren't and you don't do that you communicate"

"I'll tell you if I'm not getting my needs met and if nothing really changes I'll have to get my needs met elsewhere. Everyone deserves to have their needs me after all"

"I'm just going to leave you won't even notice I'm gone"

"Of course I'll notice, I'll get stuck doing the laundry"

She huff, I tease her some more and we go back to cuddling.

I initiate latter. She shoots me down, and I go to bed because I have to get up in the morning. She's got one more vacation day. She ends up staying up until 2am. I'm curious as to why since 11 is normal 2 is not. shrug

Some takeaways, the dread is real. It really is, even though we have had conversations about cheating and I've flat told her I would leave her before I would cheat. (I'm monogamous by nature, we'll see if that changes. I doubt it will, but we'll see).

This was the first time a my frame just so obviously overpowered hers. It wasn't 100%, but by being happy and staying happy her anger just dissolved. (BTW, she never did get that apology. I decided to err on the side of STFU, not sure if I should have just given her one. Maybe that was just god-awful rude of me).

I realized when she got back that I enjoy her presence. While I definitely missed her, and was mopey while she was gone, I didn't NEED her in my life. I WANT her in my life, but the NEED is slowly fading. I think as my frame increases the moping of being alone will fade as well.

Anyway, thoughts gentlemen?

UPDATE: Tried to initiate last night. Kept getting soft no's until this gem popped out.

"Why are you always so naughty! Go eat a cheeseburger, lay on the couch, stop going to the gym!"

The tone was playful, but the words cracked me up. Finally she just admitted she can't engage with me sexually because she's freaking out about her grandparents. (In her defense they aren't doing well, and live 6 hours away from family, including us).

Time for me to start reading up on section specifics and how to pull her into my happy, positive energy frame, rather than her negative skull sucking one.


[–]RPAlternate42Red Beret16 points17 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

  • Gone for a week
  • Throws a cheating comfort test
  • rejects sex

It should be:

  • gone for a week
  • sex

Something is amiss here.

Some women are autists too. My wife is sort of; she doesn't make connections between things.

Your wife makes an accusation of cheating in regards to NMMNG. You talk about the book talking about getting needs met. Instead of making the connection of needs not being met leading to cheating, she rejects you for sex ensuring your needs aren't met.

But I don't believe your wife is an autist. I think she's savvy. I think she's making a power move. I think she's doing it as a hail mary to break you from whatever you are doing. She is consciously making a shit test and doing it with the finesse of a baboon.

Most shit tests as we describe them are unconscious to women; they do them like breathing. This one, as I'm reading it, feels like she is purposefully rejecting sex to see if you are actually willing to adhere to what you are reading. She expects some sort of big overt announcement, from you, along the lines of I declare: my needs aren't being met and I will now seek those needs to be met elsewhere.

She has been thinking about this book all week because you weren't with her. That's her issue. She planned on some sort of drama regarding the book. Instead of pressure flipping her statements, you sought to reassure her and try to make her feel better. You thought you were being hard-lined about it, so you maintained your position on the issue. She recognized that hard line you tried to draw in the sand while you reassured her and decided it was easy to push against.

So she did. She rejected sex. She prevented your needs from getting met. Now she's waiting to see what you will do.

She wants to play games. Don't have time for games. Let her try to play chess. I'll play checkers on the same board with her pieces.

Here's the problem for you: You're fat and you have an injury, and based on previous posts, you have a weak frame.

Here's the good news: You'll see positive changes in your body faster than she will in hers, but she'll see changes in you harder than you will see your own changes. You see I lost 10 lbs. She sees he's getting fit because there's another girl. I assume she's fat too. At some point you will achieve major goals and she will be left back. She will panic and attempt to catch up. Shit tests become comfort tests.

It's possible at some point your view of yourself against her will make you wonder why am I still with her? This is a hurdle everyone gets to and it's where WISNIFG comes in: will you feel guilty about being better and not liking her anymore or will you own your state and make a decision: help her or forget her.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

CAD had wonderful advice for this:

LEave the house for the weekend, leave and come back wth a smile, say nothing.

Granted, he was in shape by then, and actually fucking the neighbourhood. His wife STFU pretty damned quick though

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

he also said go out to the bar come back early that morning smelling like whiskey and pussy.

take a shower immediately. say nothing.

[–]innominating0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have done it it multiple times and it works.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly. Typically early testing. Once the change starts, the woman will fight it. Just keep reading and getting in shape and keeping a positive frame. Its fine to enjoy her presence, but it still reeks of need from here.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret11 points12 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Gone for a week. Cuddles. Refuses to have sex? That is not the way it should be.

Also, why would you go to such lengths to reassure her of your fidelity? Your story sounds to me like she doesn't deserve it, frankly.

Are you cheating on me? No? Ok, no sex for you then.

That is what I heard in this encounter.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lol, SO just got back from a week in China. Fucked her to sleep within an hour or arrival (she had to shower and unpack). Also, a lunch 'date' after a quick phone call to inform me how horny she was.

This is how it can be

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Sounds about right now that you've pointed it out. And rather than oneitis about my snowflake, I'll go with the egoless response and point out I'm 80lbs over weight. Cheating isn't a practical option. Until it is a practical option it won't be a moral one.

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs6 points7 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

That's a lot of weight. I'm not sure you can draw any conclusions about anything in your relationship until you get in decent shape.

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

It's why the comfort test shocked the hell out of me.

I suppose it makes sense considering solipsism. She can't get out of her head enough to realize it's a physical impossibility before it becomes a moral issue.

[–]mrpmaybe0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

It sounds to me like she was fucking with you, so even though it sounds a lot like a comfort test, it really wasn't.

It was more like a soft mock. She threw out some bait, you took it.

She thinks she's smarter than you. Maybe she is.

And then she mocks you again here...

She says you don't even follow your own guide.

She goes on about the book on the table (NMMNG) and how it's telling me to leave her.

Then

"It tells you to leave if they aren't and you don't do that you communicate"

Honestly man, this is not a comfort test. She really wants you to leave.

"I'm just going to leave you won't even notice I'm gone"

That if that was her, there is at least some glimmer of hope.

If all of that talk was really soft and non-confrontational, maybe she wants you to take control more. Maybe you don't pay enough attention to her.

I don't know what your marital/family situation is, but if she is saying those things with any seriousness, she sounds pretty done with you.

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Teasing and soft tone. She's getting frustrated though. I'm less codependent and I'm sharing my feelings and thoughts less. She's used to me babbling about anything that comes to mind. The more pensive side is new to her and she's floundering.

[–]mrpmaybe0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

So she's trying to coax information out of you?

Maybe she thinks you guys are in a mental game, and she knows your plan?

I very much get the feeling that she doesn't think you're cheating on her (so not a comfort test), and then you surely confirmed it.

I get the impression she wants you to do something physical. (Leave or stay). Or maybe fuck her more often or harder?

I don't see how you think your frame overpowered hers. She didn't even fuck you. Right?

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My happiness over road her anger. That's a big step for me. I pulled her into MY emotional state. The physical goal failed, but that's to be expected. We are conservative Christians, and we both had medical issues that stop sex. Mines gone hers isn't. I don't even know if we've technically consummated the marriage. Right now "sex" is very much awkward teenage groping. Neither one of I'd has any actual experience outside the other. I did take her virginity, but that was pre marriage, and frankly left is both feeling wretched guilty fire months. My new found comfort with sex is a lot fit her to adjust to. She will in time. It just requires patience and attractiveness on my side of the isle.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

fat people fuck too. you know that right? your lack of game isn't cause you're a fatass. your lack of game is cause your fatass lacks game.

[–]BanginAway4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

That Lucas shit doesn't work. Do a drain and several refills until the fluid comes out clean. It's in the fucking side bar.

[–]chachaChad1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Best comment in this thread.

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Either I'm missing a joke or you're on the wrong sub. Either way, your saying to flush the transmission to stop hard shifting?

[–]BanginAway0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm not a fan of flushing if miles are high. But partial drains and refills can help. I had no comment about your MRP related stuff.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I go to bed because I have to get up in the morning

you chose sleep over sex?

Why didn't you guys go at it like animals after the pillow fight? My god man, I go mad after 2 days of no release.

mopey while she was gone, I didn't NEED her in my life

this doesn't make sense

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Got a hard no, so yah. A far as the moping, that was more during. It was when she got back that I made the realization. So no moping next time.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Are you saying you realized you didn't need her when she was there, yet when she was gone you needed her. (See Hamster)

As for the hard no, maybe you aren't as cute & playful as you think as she should be sexually frustrated as well.

She doesn't want to fuck you because you aren't building attraction between the two of you.

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

That's definitely likely. I'll be checking the library for books on building attraction. I'm assuming I start with Bang/Day Bang? I've finished MMSLP.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Bro, ask and you shall receive.

Masculine Moves

Creating your Slut

Be Unpredictable

YMMV

Don't Forget to Enjoy the Ride

10 Ways to Keep Your Wife on Her Toes

Balancing The Scales

There are a bunch more, just check out the marriage section of my blog in The directory

If you need to reclaim your sense of self I just published a book 31 Days to Masculinity: A Guide to Help Men Live Authentic Lives available in both Kindle & Paperback.

If you choose to go that route, I just created a subreddit /r/31DaystoMasculinity which coincides with today which is Day #1 for myself and others who kicked it off for June (You have to start on a Wednesday).

boom, there's my sales pitch what you do with the gems I just gave you is up to you.

[–]InvincibleKraken4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is why you read books digitally.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sounds like she's got a lot of insecurities on her part (if you're obese she probably is too and for girls it affects them a lot more). She's probably worried that you're going to get fit and leave her and women want security in addition to the tingles. Right now, you're destabilizing everything so that the benefits of improving don't outweigh the insecurities she's feeling by being a land whale. And when you don't say "sorry" it just further invalidates her sense of a relationship.

So what I'm trying to say is that it's just one night. Fuck her good tonight and it'll be better. Tomorrow she'll probably be a hamster driven mess. She's a woman

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for the reminder. It's one thing reading about how much emotion drives psych, it's another to fully internalize it. I'm still doing it even after 8 years with her. Gotta love being an Aspie.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'll never cheat on you honey... Pause

Unless they are threesomes.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Threesome teasing is my fav. Going to make it happen one of these days.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

"Of course I'll notice, I'll get stuck doing the laundry"

nice push pull

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

Thanks, I'm feeling most of this out, as I haven't found the book that talks about these things in detail rather than just referring to them and assuming you know. I'm assuming it's in Bang. I've been focusing more on the philosophy side since sex wasn't my focus. I'm staying to realize how important it is though.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

rule -1, don't be a retard

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Well I'm fucked than, guess I'm going to have to find a way to succeed in spite of it. Back to lurking and sidebar.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

i actually like your effort - so I'm going to give you a hint.

how many highly successful people are self deprecating? you might think it's cute, but it speaks volumes to underlying mindset. something to think about.

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I think you missed one of my posts, I wasn't being facetious. I have Aspergers. I'm on the spectrum. Social cues mean jack shit to me unless they're in my mental database. And it's literally "that facial expression means sad". It's a semi conscious thought process. I've just gotten over it so IDGAF what people say about it. I was a WEIRD fucker in elementary school until I sort of fit a handle on it in middle and high school and I've been fine tuning since.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oh. Well then.

Embrace your fucking weirdness then.

Still don't be self deprecating.

Use your retard powers for good. Learn the social cues.

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Just for humors sake and to share a story, I can't decide which is funnier.

The fact that I barked and growled at people that made me mad in fourth grade.

OR

That my wife had to explain to me why it was rude to talk loud enough that the subject of your discussion could hear you even though your statement was positive in nature (or positive intent minimum)

Anyway, thanks for the tip. I was under the impression it was better to self depreciate either

A) To deny your opponents the chance

B) To keep from intimidating people

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

It doesn't sound like you have awesome frame. It sounds like you've confused being Aloha with being an Autist.
Your lame car project isn't the reason you got into this mess, it's the fact that she was gone for a week and it doesn't look like YOU care. Giving her some of the affection you were doing after you ignored her is the comfort test she wanted. It's ok to show your LTR your appreciation for her just like it's ok for you to admit that you should have grabbed her and kissed her first. It doesn't make you weak, it sets the tone. You were trying the correct behaviors, but you'd already spun her up and she wasn't receptive. That's the part you brought on yourself.

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for the feedback, it's the same conclusion I've come to as well. The car was full Asperger's and it fucked up the rest of the interaction. As far as frame, mine sucks. I was just reporting my first success with it.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

How's the transmission shifting now ?

"Woman, me need scissors !"

"Look at me when I act autistic, dammit !!!!"

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Softer, but I still feel it. Though tbh, it's been so long since I've been in an automatic, I'm not sure if that's just normal and I'm going crazy.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

So is it fucking you ? A little more tlc it will blow you on the way to work.

Probably not, been so long since you had driven and automatic, you can't be bothered to deal with the signals.

Huh, sounds familiar. Car probably thinks your cheating with a 5 speed

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Was there actual car advice buried under the mockery? Either way it's hilarious. I love the wit.

[–]hibloodstevia0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah, I bet she loves her grandparents - and that old flame that fucks her like a real man does.

Let me guess, the grandparents live somewhere she either grew up or has connections?

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yup her old elementary school flame that lives in Podunk nowhere where the median age is 60 (but really). Must have been af hot teacher, good on him for his game skills.

[–]anotherswingingdick0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

why did you leave THAT book out where she could see it?

Was it stupidity.... or cowardice?

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Carelessness. Besides that she already snooped around and knew I was reading it. She even googled it and traced it back to this forum.

I'm going to improve myself. She can get behind my or get bent. This is important to me.

[–]rocknrollchuck0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I Googled it as well, and did not find anything linking to this forum within the first 5 pages of results, even though I tried several variations in the search. I think it's possible that she has access to your Reddit account, and may be reading what you post here.

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I suspected that as well which is why I made this alt. Because what I discuss here frankly isn't her business.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

There was a lot going on here. She is testing you, trying to see if you're for real with this NMMNG shit. I think it's kinda gay you leave it out on the table so Mommy can see. Either way, my wife told me she could see everything I've been browsing on Amazon. This could be.... Models, The Natural, Bang, etc. I've read them all. I didn't know she could. My response: "Huh, weird". On to the next topic. You don't owe her an explanation.

[–]Red_Dragovian[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

You misunderstood. I was reading in the car and hasn't put it up when I brought it back it. She just focused on it. I finished it while back, I just thumb through it on occasion.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Misunderstood that you leave it out for long periods of time where she inevitably sees it? Not saying you have to hide things as much as she doesn't need to know everything.

[–]JDRoedellRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're kind of swinging a "semi-RP-hard on" around recklessly. Other guys have pointed out the good in your post already so I won't duplicate but this all needs to be more covert and under the radar. Don't talk to yet about your expectations.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2024. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter