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Newbie: should I stop initiating for a while? (self.askMRP)

submitted by NoneSuchAs

Background: married 17 years; lifelong Nice Guy; sex on her schedule once a month or so for past few years.

I started reading SALSM, MMSLP, and NMMNG concurrently about 2 weeks ago and have started doing SL5x5 religiously. Working on OI and owning my shit. (See for example this post about my still weak OI and covert contract skillz.)

Several times a month, I'll try to initiate sex at bed time. Sometimes she wants it, usually she doesn't. Sometimes, to my shame, I've asked for sex verbally; she usually says she's willing, but it rarely results in actual sex, of course.

So the evidence says she's not attracted to me and i need to improve myself, so I'm working on that by reading and lifting and eventually more.

My question is, while I'm working on all this, what are the pros and cons of either continuing to initiate (hit or miss) sex vs just not bothering?

EDIT: I probably should also work on my seduction/escalation skills. I rarely perceive any arousal cues from her until I've applied several minutes of clumsy groping, if at all.


[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs16 points17 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'll go against the grain a little and say that this can be a good idea if done for the right reasons. I stopped initiating for the first month or two after MRP and I feel like it helped me clear my head a little and get out from her frame.

The key, though, is that you must do it for your reasons, not hers. Don't do it to try to teach her a lesson or show her or get any sort of reaction at all from her. If you do it, do it for your own reasons, to remove distractions or reset yourself or whatever.

Also, the self-deprecation (clumsy groping, etc.) stops today. By all means, stay humble. But there's a whiff of putting her on a pedestal in the way you word things. You are the prize. Or at any rate, your becoming the prize.

[–]AustralianArm6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I second this.

Not intitiating is a great way to get sex out of your head and start a DGAF attitude towards getting it. I found it increased a bit of dread too when I went on a 3 mth moratorium from initiating. The hamster starts to spin as you are working hard to improve yorself but not wanting sex. Seems to be a subconcious reaction to not being wanted, so they try harder to get your affection and to put her back on a pedestal as control shifts in the relationship.

Remember the basics of MRP, the goal of MRP isn't more sex, it's fixing the man. Work on you, for you.

That said, sex comes as a great side effect of the fixing.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

As long as your main focus is self improvement (lifting, stfu, reading, etc) there is no reason to ever stop attempting. Never overtly ask for sex and kill all the covert contracts.

Also stop with the whole "before bed" sex thing. Try to fuck her in the morning, in the shower, in the kitchen mix it up. Get rid of the predicable, boring environment you have created.

Do you kino? Flirt? Have any game?

The key is to not show any form of butt hurt if you get a hard NO. Soft NOs mean you need a different approach.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

now what would not initiating do? save you the heartbreak of rejection?

What happened to outcome independence while you rebuild?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Even when my wife was at her bitchiest I would still initiate. But I got angry every time she'd deny me, because a marriage is sexual by nature to me. So i never did master the art of not getting butthurt.

Women have to know that if they won't take care of their man someone else will.

If you can go a couple months without sex, more power to you. I couldn't

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

should I stop initiating for a while?

I probably should also work on my seduction/escalation skills

...

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lol I see what you did there

[–]TexasThomas1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I wouldn't decide anything beforehand. Artificially planning in advance is a recipe for failure. Think about it: what if there's some real sexual tension built up between you two and you just artificially shut it down? What exactly does that accomplish? I never plan in advance, I just let it happen organically. And sure enough, if there's no sexual tension I don't bother....it's not that she'd say "no," but the sex just isn't as good if there's no tension between us. And for us, tension is created when the masculine/feminine polarity is intense. The polarity can be emphasized simply by telling her "no," telling her what to do, correcting her or somehow putting her in her place during the day -- often this is all it takes to get her mind racing and motor running by bedtime... Being firm, being solid is what will turn her on, especially since she's used to you being mr. nice guy.

But again, if it's not there, it's not there. No sense in putting food on a stove that's not been turned on. I'd also add to skip all porn and masturbation.....both work against the natural drives that we have for our spouses. She will sense something different in you when you skip the fake stuff and devote yourself only to her....at the same time your desire for her will skyrocket and the sex will be passionate and extreme.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your Focus should be on improving yourself. Learning How to game your wife is part of that.

That said, initiate whenever you feel like but be completely outcome independent about It. Screw her "schedule". She rejects, you just go "ok" and go do something else, completely unnafected and non butthurt.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Pros of not initiating. Eventually you will give up.

Cons of not initiating. Eventually you will give up.

The decision must be 100% your decision for your reasons. If you think not initiating will make her horny think again. If you think you can wait out a woman who is not attracted think again. They are like Camels and can go as long as they want without sex. They don't need it. We do and they take great delight in exercising the power of denial.

IF you can truly deny her that power by truly NGAF then not initiating often "works." That is, it often helps the woman come around and see that SHE has something to lose by being largely a-sexual with her husband. When it doesn't "work" is when the man realizes that he can do better than this shrill, cold, sex denying harpy.

TLDR: Losing all hope is freedom... First you have to give up, first you have to know... not fear... know... that someday you're gonna die.

[–]nantucketghost0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

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