question about self hatred

ofthehighdesert · 2017-02-03T19:39:52+00:00

In good conscience, I think you need to see a good therapist or psychologist. This sounds somewhat like a depressive disorder, childhood issue, so on.

zeteomegaleio · 2017-02-03T20:21:50+00:00

u/abdada and u/Scurvemuch gave two solid answers. I'm going to add on to those.

Most people have that void in themselves that they need to fill because they don't feel worthy of loving themselves for whatever reason. So you seek love outside of yourself (in this case, your wife).

The two main reasons boil down to:

1) You have learned lessons in your life that make you think you are unlovable, and thus you can't love yourself. Typically, you had a fucked up childhood in some way if this is the case. This is where Scurve's answer comes into play; the truth is that a therapist is just going to be the quickest way to start dealing with this shit and learning the emotional tools you need to be a fulfilled, emotionally mature adult.

If this resonated with you, then you need to briefly think about the negative life events that happened to you and find someone who specializes in those things. These include childhood abuse, sexual abuse, narcissistic parents, whatever.

2) You are not living in alignment with who you think you ought to be. This is why the majority of people are on antidepressants - depression is a SYMPTOM telling you that you're doing something wrong most of the time for people who didn't otherwise get emotionally damaged, but we treat it like a root cause.

Note: Yes, some people literally have chemical imbalances. I'm not talking about those people and I firmly believe they are in the minority.

Anyway, this is where abdada's advice comes in. I would take it a step further though - you also have to look at the deeper, bigger picture shit in your life. This includes asking yourself "Do I enjoy my job?" and "Do I REALLY love and want to stay with my wife?"

Most people would rather swallow pills and numb their negative emotions/feelings that are SCREAMING at them to change their lives rather than confront these hard truths and take the painful actions necessary to change them. If you fix the root cause that you don't truly like how you are spending your life, the void will heal.

The only thing you need to also consider here is "Are my beliefs about what constitutes a successful life healthy? Or are they damaged viewpoints because I learned unhealthy lessons in my past?" If they are not healthy, refer back to reason #1.

abdada · 2017-02-03T19:44:10+00:00

Hate only that which you can control.

Hate your gym lift PRs -- you can fix those.

Hate the way you dress -- you can fix that.

Hate your savings plan -- you can save more.

Hate the mess in your house -- you can clean it up.

Hate the responsibilities and repairs you've put off -- you can work on those.

Once you get through the list of hating things you can control, you'll not hate yourself anymore.

[deleted] · 2017-02-03T20:02:30+00:00

"no matter what I do, or how much I improve, I am still going to be a piece of shit."

According to whom? Who defines what a piece of shit is? There are some that think I'm a piece of shit for leaving my wife. There are others who said I was "brave". There are other who said "c'est la vie not, my life". Who's right?

None of them. I set my own standards.

[deleted] · 2017-02-03T19:50:32+00:00

Where does a positive self image come from?

It comes from you. If this has been a lifelong problem then over-simplifications like shine your shoes and similar won't resolve it. See a doctor if you haven't already. If that doctor doesn't work then try another.

PurpleVeteran · 2017-02-03T20:05:21+00:00

You mean, what happens when you stop looking for validation from others? Then you have to find your own motivations for doing shit. You no longer need to defend your actions or desires, because ultimately you are only accountable to and responsible for yourself.

I mean, why the fuck do you get out of bed in the morning? Do you have goals or passions? Do you have kids? Do you provide value to those around you? Is the world a better place because you're in it?

Sure, we're all fuck ups at times. I would say that I have about 75% of my shit in a pile, which is a vast improvement over a year ago, but there's more work to do. At the same time, I surround myself with people who recognize my value and bring value to me. Just because I care less about what my wife thinks, doesn't mean that it means nothing. If someone is a drain on my life, then I cut them out.

My positive self-image comes from the mirror. It comes from setting goals and meeting them. It comes from having great kids, a fun wife, and being able to enjoy life on my terms. It's not about the negative shit around me and the doubts I sometimes have, but being alive and in the moment. I have the strength to move my own limbs, I have years of life ahead of me, and dammit, no setback, mistake, or naysayer will take that away from me.

[deleted] · 2017-02-03T21:05:56+00:00

Deep self-hatred all self-doubt can have many causes: A Freudian take Might be the things that happened to you before you were five. Jung would have you analyze your dreams to see the sources.

That being said I am no therapist and you should perhaps see a psychiatrist and find out?

For now, what can you rely on? I could suggest 2 simple things: your faith if you are religious as a source or, if you are American, read the constitution and see the rights that are your by birth regardless of anything else you may feel.

Good luck

ofthehighdesert · 2017-02-03T23:08:48+00:00

Please read This

[deleted] · 2017-02-04T22:26:23+00:00

I am probably older than you but I can relate a bit. I've struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life but learned to manage it well in my older age. In my younger years I would self medicate with booze, cigarettes and drugs and basically walked around feeling like I was a fraud throughout a lot of my professional career. Things that helped me:

As I've become more successful professionally and gotten to see "behind the curtain" a little I've learned that people in management positions often don't work any harder and aren't as smart as me, so I feel like I belong here as much as anyone.
Realized that my upbringing put a lot of pressure on me to live a certain kind of life and feel like a failure if I didn't, and I have very deliberately decided to let myself off the hook about things and not buy into it. I've specifically been a lot better about ignoring my parents' sometimes not very good advice and learning to tell my family "no."
Did things to better myself. I am in vastly better physical shape now than ever before. I went from basically sedentary to running a 5k as cardio 3x a week and benching my body weight 10x. I am not bragging, lot of guys much stronger than me. But I am proud of what I've done. Quitting my 20+ year pack a day smoking habit was a HUGE boost to my self esteem as well.

Now I realize that by the time I become self actualized most of my life will be over but it's something to strive for all the same.

BluepillProfessor · 2017-02-03T23:12:35+00:00

This seems quite disordered and frankly worrisome. The language and syntax is fine but something about this strikes me as wrong. How do you not hate yourself? No matter what you do you will always be a piece of shit?

Let me take a wild swing at this one: Think about those phrases you used in this short piece. Think hard. Repeat them in your mind a couple of times and try to recognize that voice. It's your mother's voice. Am I right? It's way past the time to tell her to Shut The Fuck Up and stop listening to her.

sh0ckley · 2017-02-04T11:10:41+00:00

That kind of shit comes from your past. How do I know? Because I am the product of a moderately dysfunctional family system. Moderately does not mean "it wasn't that bad" moderately means "it was very hard to see and acknowledge."

The way I got out of the woods was by connecting the dots between childhood misery and maladaptive behaviors that had continued into adulthood... with a decent therapist and lot of self motivation. It sucked. My ego and pride hated it. But things are better now.

[deleted] · 2017-02-06T17:35:56+00:00

It's not a bad thing to think you can always be doing more. There's healthy anxiety-- the drive that men use to create business, conquer nations, and own their shit. And there's unhealthy rumination and self-doubt. Find a way to challenge your beliefs and transform the worry into a sense of ownership.

As you succeed in life-- whether in your career, family, athletics, or whatever metric you use as "success"-- you will gain that positive self-image. You will never be the best at any one thing. But you will be the best version of yourself as you strive for excellence

ParadoxThatDrivesUs · 2017-02-04T01:43:48+00:00

I've wrestled with this demon for most of my life, so I can really relate. I don't have any answers or advice, though, other than to try to channel it into self-improvement rather than self-destruction.

Not knocking anyone, as I know everyone in this thread is offering sincere advice, but it's eye-opening to see how people who've never dealt with this have no clue what it's like.