Making the wife "feel"

UEMcGill · 2017-02-01T00:20:50+00:00

Ask her point blank, "am I responsible for making you feel good? Your feelings are important but I can't change them, they're yours not mine" . This is the time to go BROKEN RECORD.

Then detach the emotion hose. Don't try to fix her, just be that oak in the storm we talk about.

If she still insists on you being responsible for her feelings well that's codependency. You need to establish boundaries and or separate from her at that point.

man_in_the_world · 2017-02-01T04:25:05+00:00

At various points in this lengthy set of comments by /u/jacktenofhearts are some nice "advanced fogging" insights on how to engage your wife emotionally without being beta about it. These may be a useful complement to A&A.

PurpleVeteran · 2017-02-01T00:20:12+00:00

It's a comfort test. She sees the distance between you and her, and wonders what your real intentions are. So, are you doing these things so that she'll feel that way? WISNIFG is good, especially the assertive bill of rights, but some of other stuff are best saved when she's on a tirade.

AA/AM are your go to here:

"Why did you do that?" Because I'm a man of action.
"I feel bad when you do this." Here, let me make you feel better.
"You're pissing me off right now!" Great, my evil plan is working.

But also, just be present. Putting the phone away is a great start, but happy spirits, flirting, and a little kino will reassure her that you're not a grump focused on what she's doing wrong, but a man who just gets things done.

BobbyPeru · 2017-02-01T05:41:22+00:00

She's calling you a jerk because you are robotically repeating lines you read from WISNIFG. There are good tools in that book, but I agree with the others who say AA/AM are better here. Starting these sparingly since you'll probably mess them up until you get the hang of it. STFU if you are unsure of how to respond.

drty_pr · 2017-02-02T06:30:59+00:00

They are her feelings stew. Not yours. They will always be there. She is a woman after all.

You know what happens when she stops having feelz? She is boring.

Someone said it earlier and I agree. I'm not a big fan of fogging. My wife looks at me like I'm an idiot and I never get the desired result. STFU is better.

stew7000 · 2017-02-02T14:52:38+00:00

Why are you taking your wife seriously?

Also, why aren't you giving any context to the feel.

If she says she feels bad because you called her a fat whore it's a little different than her saying she feels bad you're doing more productive things than she is.

gettingmymojoback · 2017-02-01T00:19:27+00:00

Try AA or AM, fogging is not your only tool. Make it fun rather than Dr.Phil.

When I first stopped taking my wife so seriously all the time I got plenty of "you're a jerk, can't you take anything seriously?", to which I'd usually just give her a "you know what I take very seriously ", or something along those lines. Usually followed up with an eye roll on her part.

But slowly the eye rolls started giving way to smiles, the jerk comments slowly started coming less frequently, and often times I just get her to burst out laughing now. Sure, sometimes she's still pissy but more often than not whatever is bugging her goes away with the laughter and she's on to the next emotional roller coaster ride.

I can say with some confidence that sticking with it AND being more attractive in her eyes is what changed her reaction. Be attractive, don't be unattractive. Sometimes cocky, fun guy just needs some time until she starts to see you that way again.

ParadoxThatDrivesUs · 2017-02-01T00:48:40+00:00

I don't even understand the issue here. She says some things - so what? Why say anything at all? Unless it manifests in some conduct that actually matters to you - which you haven't described - then honestly what difference does it make?

stew7000 · 2017-02-01T15:33:58+00:00

Question for you... how is your frustration tolerance

[deleted] · 2017-02-01T16:47:29+00:00

Be 100% honest.

I don't care about any of this prattle. (add clever wit here) and slap her on the ass.

I guarantee she is only concerned about how this affects her. It doesn't, and once you establish that, she will shut the fuck up.

Or not, then just slap it hard enough to leave a mark. at least then the conversation is about how you left a mark on her ass. Gives her a direction to shit on you for something at least

bsutansalt · 2017-02-08T04:52:31+00:00

If you can get a woman to emotionally align with your goals, life is going to be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much easier for you. My go-to is "how would you feel if..." and then I flip around whatever I'm dealing with as if it were to apply to her. Unless she's a sociopath she's going to feel the problem and identify with my position. Do that and you're golden for about 80% of the issues you need to use it for. It's not foolproof, but it works the overwhelming majority of the time.

stew7000 · 2017-02-01T18:08:26+00:00

prompt her to consider how she's the master of her feelings.

You might as well try cold fusion. This will never happen. You're missing the point in any case. Her feelings are her feelings and you are letting them become yours.

Do I have to make some stupid weather vane analogy? I think I do. There's an old farm house not far from here with a rusty weather vane atop a cupola. Wind blows. It don't move. It just sits there rusty and still. Your wife is the wind Stew and you need to be more like that weather vane.

Stop caring so much about her every emotion. That's her lookout and it'll just exhaust and distract you Stew. I've been thinking of painting that weather vane. If I do, it'll be a work titled Stew7000.

Get rusty Stew.