Boundry question

PurpleVeteran · 2017-01-05T01:02:20+00:00

Passive aggressive behavior, unenforceable boundaries, using the children as pawns. At what point do you think you are gonna win here, that she's going to give in to your obvious charisma?

Seriously, this is a rolling shit storm and you are both fully dug in. I'm failing to see (a) why either of you should be together, (b) how this environment is good at all for the kids, (c) what your ultimate plan is. Unless you take a long hard look at how you are acting, how you expect anyone to respect you, and actually step up as a leader and not just another combatant, this marriage is just gonna keep rolling down the hill until it hits a tree.

Step 1: Just do what needs to be done, without any drama.

screechhater · 2017-01-05T01:56:50+00:00

" I was even willing to do her part for a while, but on my terms"

No Terms. You are a father, handle all the kids. No matter how much of a disaster it might be

"M: Your responsibility is our children (she is a SAHM), this is how you provide value to the family. You're abandoning your responsibility. I told you the conditions under which I would help"

Huge mother fucking mistake DEER. Childish and covert/overt contractual obligatory bullshit. Period

I have three kids, I understand, but the hard no's are gonna keep coming until you are the whole package...... she needs to be able to leave and get a break. Period

You, sir, will be most attractive when you state, "Go I got it".........(And, Stoically/confidently exhibit your attitude of I can handle all this).........

1- erase this 6pm exchange from memory and don't dwell

2- no talking about fight club, strategy or who's obligagatory responsibility is who's

3- stoically exhibit confidence, the baby will cling to you and wife will feel vibes

4- get out of her frame, this is your life

5- hard no's - who gives 10 fucks...... go read

6- lift

7- let her get some sleep

8- date without kids ASAP

BluepillProfessor · 2017-01-05T03:08:43+00:00

This is not going to end well. A Captain who can't take care of his kid, and refuses an entirely reasonable request to help out his First Officer because he is butthurt about her not fucking him. What could possibly go wrong?

Wait, it's NOT in the sidebar that this type of behavior is attractive to women? Really?

Also, last time I thought somebody told you about STFU? Didn't we talk about leadership and leading your relationship and your wife? Didn't I directly TELL YOU (and I almost NEVER tell men what they should do) to move forward and lead her away from this childish fight? A leader doesn't quibble about 40 minutes and cause a big stink. What was the big deal?

Next time you want to do something, you're not allowed.

Nope, not going to end well.

man_in_the_world · 2017-01-05T10:33:15+00:00

OP's fundamental problem is that he is totally unwilling to, or completely frightened of, accepting personal responsibility for (owning) his own decisions, desires, and boundaries. (We call this "frame" here at MRP.)

Today's manufactured crisis is a case in point. His wife asks him for a favor (taking care of infant while she goes to the store). Rather than just saying "no", OP DEERs about all the child-care duties he must do. Why? Because OP desperately wants her to take back the request so that he doesn't have to be responsible for saying "no". When wife accepts his "no" but expresses her disappointment, OP launches into a full-scale responsibility-shifting attack, because OP would rather blow up his relationship and be a grossly unattractive feminized beta faggot than own personal responsibility for saying "no".

Three weeks ago, OP hid behind his own son and forced responsibility for OP's attempted punishment of OP's wife onto the young boy, because OP would rather emotionally abuse his own son and raise him to be a codependent faggot rather than OP owning his decision to punish his wife. A month ago, OP DEERed and evaded rather than own his sexual desires.

Should I keep going back? Does anybody else see a strong and consistent pattern of extreme avoidance of ownership?

OP, you're reading the words but missing the concept. Frame is open, unembarrassed expression of your decisions, desires, and boundaries. You can't have frame without accepting that others will not always agree with your decisions, desires, and boundaries; that they will tell you so and test them both covertly and overtly; and that they will judge you in their own minds for them. Comfortable acceptance of this is what we mean by IDGAF and OI. Until you own the necessity and responsibility for, and accept the inevitable consequences of, your own decisions, desires, and boundaries, you'll continue to be stuck at ground zero.

[deleted] · 2017-01-05T03:55:40+00:00

Keep the baby while dealing with the others. Your wife wasn't going off to the rippers or to visit some dude. She was going to fetch money for clothes she took the initiative to sell. It's one thing to lead and another to demand she does what you say.

I can count on zero fingers the number of people that would follow that sort of leader into battle. Do better, not more.

iloveairplane · 2017-01-05T04:50:01+00:00

Man, you are knee deep in poop. Everyone is giving you great ideas here. BUT you NEED some space. Physical space. Head space.

You can't even take a breath without engaging your wife. You have too much crap going on in your head to do anything well.

Cool down. Relax your mind. Meditate. Take many deep breaths. Calm yourself. Disengage from the battle in your mind. Get some space between you and the world. Best

iloveairplane · 2017-01-05T01:52:38+00:00

Dude - do you expect her to be a slave to the kids 24x7? Sounds like you haven't sat her down and had the conversation about how you both should handle he responsibilities and the she needs a break from the kids just like you need a break from work. You have to be able to find time for errands, fun, relax time, alone time, together time etc. part of that is she needs some time away from the kids just to run some errands and get her head straight.

Once you two have sat down and discussed this you need to get her mind share so it isn't a conversation or argument or misunderstanding anymore. Then if you truly have your shit together and it truly is inconveniencing you because she is trying to take over your agreed upon time - then you can say no and you won't have to feel the need to explain.

470_2_700_nm · 2017-01-05T01:37:08+00:00

HER: Hey I turned in some of the babies clothes at a store and I have to return today to recieve what they will give for them (we previously agreed she can keep this money) They close at 8pm. Will you take care of the baby (in addition to my normal dities feeding, bathing, etc the older 2)

ME: ~~I can do that but it won't be until 7:20pm after I finish feeding and bathing the others (as youve heard previously, she's given me weeks of hard no's, so I'm not in a particularly supplicating mood).~~

Instead of strike through (I wish I could have been there on your shoulder to shut your fucking mouth there, and insert what is next), you decide yes or no in your head. Then you inform her in "yes I can do that" or "no... I can't do that today". No deering, no rationalising, no explaining.

Read "When I say no I feel guilty".

Right now you just can't say no and own that mother fucking no. But you can get there.

nastynickdr · 2017-01-05T01:34:43+00:00

Did she allow you to post here?

Do you know what DEER is? Do you know you should be leading? Did you read NMMNG, WISNIFG and MMSLP? Do you know what frame is? Why you are totally into her frame? Do you even lift?

A good starting point would be to stop popping kids into her, maybe its good you are not getting laid.

PurpleVeteran · 2017-01-05T13:11:09+00:00

I'm going to reply but not before giving a nod to /u/PurpleVeteran 's beautiful write up. He is taking the time to give you point by point guidance because right now you are like a cat with it's claws dug in so deep you could hang from the ceiling.

Look at what you wrote. It just drips with sarcasm and hatred.

Beautiful interatction with lovely wife (sarcasm)

If you feel that way (consequences)

Your responsibility is to our children (guilt trip)

You ever start some kind of big project where you eventually found yourself frustrated and in over your head? So many things go wrong and you have to make extra trips to the hardware store and you forget things and it's taking way longer than you thought. Shit is breaking, parts are misalligned, but you persist and keep on thinking, "I can salvage this. I can make something of this yet. I just have to try harder." In the back of your mind you know it's going to turn out like shit anyway and you should just say FUCK THIS and call an expert.

You are fighting so hard to keep your head above water. To pass a shit test. To get sex. To have some kind of positive outcome. I say to you LET GO. Let it ALL go. This marriage as it is right now has failed. Demote her to plate. Let the arguments go, let the hatred go, let the hope GO. Take an afternoon to sit down by yourself in a room and just purge any hope you have of saving this.

Then, start at square one. The relationship is over. So do not spend any more time trying to work on it. Keep any talk with her to a minimum. Don't tell her your feelings. Don't share your day. Give her minimal attention with a few word answer. NONE OF THIS comes from spite...you are done with spite because you have no motivation to move her in any way.

Work on YOU. Figure out how you need to run the house WITH KIDS with your wife not in the picture, because in your mind she is but a phantom now. Take care of what needs to be taken care of. Laundry, cleaning, cooking, feeding, bathing, brushing teeth. Do it all. Spend a few WEEKS doing this. Get your base shit in order. Because THIS is how your life will be if she isn't in it. Make sure you're capabile.

When she starts noticing this...and she will:

If she gives a cold shoulder: You are no longer in a fight because you hold no place in your heart for someone to fight with, you don't care.

If she asks what's wrong, you're distant: "I am?" Her: "Yes. Blah blah blah." You: "Oh". This is not the time to guilt trip, or explain, or try to move her. YOU DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

If she offers to help you do whatever: Accept the help. She is openly providing value. Give a small "thanks" and continue on. This is the part to focus on though. At first you will be focusing solely on you. IF she decides to add herself into your life, accept it freely.

After you have build up your base at home after a few weeks/months, start branching to hobbies, social life, etc. outside the house. This will be difficult because you need a babysitter. Try to find every person you can before deferring to her. If you do turn to her...IF she is not doing anything important during that time, TELL her, "I'm going to X on Thursday at 8." Don't defend it with, "You're not doing anything." Just do it. Even if she's fighting you up until 7:59, go...and do not fight back or DEER. Just go. If she eventually watches the kids...note that as value she brought. If she does not (intentionally plans something and goes out that time) again note that as value she doesn't bring.

I won't go too much deeper because you'll see how this develops over time, and the weighing of how everything is going will impact what you do next. So provide an update in that few weeks to a month time on how things are going. But you see the main idea. Start from scratch, and see what value she is willing to put into your life by her own choice alone. This will...IN THE FUTURE AFTER YOUR UPDATE...determine how you can go about bringing out more value from her from your leadership. But right now she is dead to you. So start living as if that's the case.

Nyquil-Junkie · 2017-01-05T01:01:09+00:00

I just texted her "Can you pick up some pullups for 3 year old while you are out"

lol I can hear her screaming.

[deleted] · 2017-01-05T03:36:33+00:00

I think your major problem is you're trying to force sex on a woman who is breastfeeding, hormonal, and not attracted to you. You're putting all this pressure on the both of you and it's coming out all fucking sideways. You need a sex moratorium of a month, keep owning your shit, and get out in front of her. Just jerk off. It's not going to kill you for a month. I can feel the pent up frustration from here. She's probably all stretch-marked and flabby anyway. It's not worth getting such a boner for her

BobbyPeru · 2017-01-05T04:13:11+00:00

A doe, a DEER, a female DEER. She worked you over dude.

Get busy reading the sidebar and lifting.

drty_pr · 2017-01-05T13:15:56+00:00

I've said it before bro and I'll say it again. You are a condescending fuck man. She will never respect you for acting like this! EVER! When you get that urge to talk down to her, STFU. Until you grasp this simple concept, these shit ball scenarios will never stop.

mtdog · 2017-01-05T16:14:46+00:00

This was a reasonable request.

Your boundaries are, frankly, fucking weak and stupid.

Your frame is that of a butthurt baby.

You need to STFU and work on not being an asshole. You aren't ready to be alpha yet.

PurpleVeteran · 2017-01-05T18:39:37+00:00

M: Your responsibility is our children (she is a SAHM), this is how you provide value to the family. You're abandoning your responsibility. I told you the conditions under which I would help

Did you really say this?

You know how to communicate this without saying it?

You take the kids, be a dad. And when she comes home from doing what every she wanted to do, you are either hanging out with the kids like its not a big deal and is easy ,or have tucked them all into bed, made dinner, and are ready with a smile.

You know why???

Coz you don't need her to be a mom in order to get laid... and you don't NEED her to be a mom. None of this needs to be said at this point in your relationship

sexyshoulderdevil · 2017-01-05T02:03:34+00:00

Too much explaining and exposition. She's pushing your buttons to see what she can get away with and if you'll just do whatever she wants when she wants. If she's asking for reasonable help, then do it. If she could have gotten the money during the day with the kids, tell her it's too busy right now and she can do it during the day...you have other more fun plans for the two of you later.

And when she says next time you want to go out you can't go, just say "No problem, I'll take the baby with me...babies are great for picking up chicks....". All with a smile and a wink.

Stop taking all her shit so seriously when this is not super serious shit. This is minor planning items not life/death family shit. Give her guidance on when to do it and start approaching it with fun. If she doesn't partake in your jovial attitude, it's her loss. She'll come around with time though...

[deleted] · 2017-01-05T02:11:17+00:00

Shes not on your team, soft next.

Live single, be polite, dont accommodate. Its not revenge, its means to an end.

You want to live in a harmonious house, so do so.

BrazilRedPill · 2017-01-05T01:15:47+00:00

You are doing wife job. Why isn't she the one that stays with the kids and you go and get the money at the store? She is the leader, you are less than shit. You are not doing leader stuff, you are doing secondary stuff.

Get your shit togheter, be a leader, do the most important / masculine things. This is you being a pussy and taking her orders. It should be the opposite.

Women are not happy like this. Watching the kids is zero leadership and zero tingles in the pussy. You suck. This is why she is angry.

Learn to be the leader and do important tasks. Lift, think straight, think hard.

Mecha75 · 2017-01-05T02:43:51+00:00

Here is how you say no (from a text convo from my SAHM wife this very day)

W: can i spend X amount on X credit card

M: No

W: okay

And thats how it works.