Thought I reached alpha mindset, AWALT brought me back to the beginning.

bogeyd6 · 2016-11-03T20:13:51+00:00

Reading this has made me think about how we suffer from oneitis and our MAP was really built to satisfy someone other than yourself. Surprised that not even /u/sexyshoulderdevil or /u/sampsonbrass mentioned how happy you were when you were doing your best to be you. The covert contract was you thought that meant she would do better. While you may buy into the purple pill concept that some people pedal around here you should also be aware that it's still just blue pill.

My advice would be go back to where you are happy with your life, next the wife when you see fit, and rely on abundance mentality to know that out there is a woman who would kill to be in her place.

bogeyd6 · 2016-11-03T21:42:34+00:00

My perspective is that this sub sometimes gets itself into a bind with advice because some of the "tenets" of MRP have been taken to absurd levels.

If men are to lead the relationships (women are not their equal) and to be treated as children/little girls who run on "feels" and not logic, then you take away her agency. This is convenient for many of you, because it gives you the power in the relationship.

But then, if a woman engages in behavior like the OP's wife did--sexual messages and emotional intimacy with an old boyfriend--the response is that this MUST be OP's fault because she doesn't have agency and she is just a "vessel that he fills."

See the issue here? Let's say that what I originally proposed in OP's initial post was true, i.e. that he was too far on the alpha spectrum, got an active sex life from it, and thought all was great but failed on the beta side. She reaches out to the ex. This is all just speculation because none of us know her thinking.

Let's say this is the case. So what? Her behavior is still NOT OP's fault. If he failed in bringing enough comfort, that does not come close to her INFIDELITY (and yes, emotional infidelity is as serious as physical).

As a woman, I don't excuse her behavior. I would not want any of you to think that I believe OP's wife's behavior is OP's fault or that it is "natural" for a woman because of hypergamy. Not all infidelity is a woman looking for a "better" man, and thus making the OP at fault since he failed to perform. Some of it is pure selfishness. Some of it is for temporary validation. There are reasons other than OP not being the best she can get.

I'm sure OP has made some mistakes along the way, but he didn't cheat. I won't as a female excuse OP's wife's behavior. I would not act this way, ever. When I am in a relationship, I am loyal, I have morals, and if I feel it is not working, I will end the relationship, not sneak around.

OP doesn't need to fix this unless he wants to, but he's not a "faggot" or "weaksauce" for not sticking around and "leading" his wife. If he decides to divorce her, I think he's in the right here.

Feel free to tell me where I'm wrong.

Side note: when I masturbate (which I do a few times a week), I don't masturbate to my boyfriend's image or us having sex. I have specific, very private sexual fantasies that are none of his business. What your wife/LTR thinks about when she masturbates has no reflection on how she feels about you unless it is specifically about someone else she'd rather be with. I have a few kinks/erotic stuff I like to read that gets me off that has nothing to do with my boyfriend. This isn't cuckoldry and it isn't hypergamy. It's just my private shit. I don't believe it is any of my business what porn my boyfriend watches or what he thinks about when he jerks off.

WhiteTrashKiller · 2016-11-03T07:10:35+00:00

Are you acquainted with the Hamburger Analogy? Back to that some more in a minute.

You've read, you've improved some, yet OI escapes you. You think because you've made an effort at being a high value male that she or someone else owes you something. Nobody owes you anything for being awesome. You do these things in this life so your life becomes one you like living, not so you can get some feelz from a woman. By you tolerating her shitty behavior, you are showing her that reconciliation is always there for her. She knows it and I will put my left toe on the chances of this happening again at 150%.

Back to the analogy. Hamburger is for lack of a better term 80% of all men. If you started out as hamburger, you can be used in many dishes, a quick meal or an entree. What you never will be is Filet Mignon. The Ex is a 60 day aged filet and she remembers how it tasted. You can improve yourself all you want, but when she wants the Filet you will lose out every time.

In this regard it is almost always better for you to start a new relationship, one in which she only knows you as the filet.

Stop living your life expecting something, keep her if you want but know that the fire was lit and if you hadn't forced her to extinguish it. It would still be burning....

[deleted] · 2016-11-03T06:15:57+00:00

Your squat analogy is spot on. I want to explore it a little more.

Many men find RP and devour the material (usually once as a cursory read) start implementing dread (sprinkle some Alpha on their Beta lives) see some initial results and give themselves a big pat on the back for becoming Alpha Males.

If you found the Red Pill after being married or in a LTR and you did not have a "Oh Shit I've Been Squatting Wrong" moment, then you are nowhere near truly living out the principles we talk about here.

In OP's case, you made the mistake of thinking your lifestyle changes were going to bring her in line. This is simply not the case (as in this is not a guaranteed result). Women are still their own free will agents. They are going to follow the script of hypergamy, at BEST, implementing dread and Alpha behaviors can give you a leg up in the battle to being seen as more than Beta Bux to her, but this is why I always say you never know when Chad will come a callin'.

Assume she will have the temptation for these emotional affairs (it's just a manifestation of hypergamy). Either tell her to go fuck herself or tell her you think it's sad she values an old failed relationship over the one the two of you have built and then smack her on the ass then fuck her until dawn.

Your frame has to be unshakable. If your woman wants to be an idiot and risk being dumped by a high value male then that's her mistake to deal with IMO.

[deleted] · 2016-11-03T13:30:34+00:00

They can wink at you, hold your arm, kiss your cheek, suck your cock, tell you how proud of you they are, thank you for being an awesome Dad, and then sneak off to answer that text from their old college sweetheart, the one she thinks about when she cranks up the vibrator.

Maybe it's just me, but you should perhaps take a hard introspective look into whether specifics of your wife's masturbation habits and fantasies should be part of your frame?

I don't know about your masturbation habits and fantasies but lol if mine have anything at all to do with how sincere I am when I hold my wife's arm, kiss her cheek, make love to her, tell her how proud of her I am, thank her for being an awesome Mom... I know you're hurting, but that just seems silly, jealous and irrational to me.

RecoveringBlue · 2016-11-03T16:17:59+00:00

I can relate a little with you bro. I think I got complacent when my wife started entering my frame. Slowly I stopping passing shit tests and letting my guard down. As a result my wife has been cranking up the bitchiness. I think part of the problem is that I haven't made the internal mental changes required to be a 'natural'. I still have to stop and think before I AA or AM. I've let a lot of BP laziness creep back in, in terms of leading my family. It's exhausting.

So I'm taking a couple days off in the desert next week to have some guy time and also to rest and refocus my mind. My wife will probably resent the time away, but alone time in the wilderness is part of my MAP and mission that I had let slide. Because my wife isn't my mission

redearththeory · 2016-11-03T07:29:19+00:00

I know, I know... "I would have nexted her and you didn't because you don't have any balls... and I can deadlift more than you." Whatever.

No. I would have laughed at her. Invited her to save her emotional bullshit for her little gay best friend and the come bend over for me. Especially if he lived on another continent and there was virtually no chance of her seeing him in person. I understand that emotional affairs can't be tolerated long term because of the risk of them turning physical, but I think you should look at why you're butthurt about it.

We both had deep issues when we met. First 9 years of marriage were hell. I faced my childhood demons a little over a year ago.

There's a reason she chose the (emotionally damaged) former you as a husband. There's something about your previous damage that she wanted to be close to or gave her something. You may have more problems than you expect when you change for the better. Its probably not an accident that she went back to an old boyfriend that also gave her that something.

Great to hear that you're doing better and have dealt with the issues from your past.

BobbyPeru · 2016-11-03T06:23:32+00:00

You told us some cool stuff... that we already knew. Is your point just to confirm AWALT? That's already been proven plenty on here.

So, what are you going to do? Action is key. Have you read the sidebar? Lifting? Dread levels? Leadership?

How long ago did you start unplugging? More information will help us to help you.

RCMasculinity · 2016-11-04T04:40:14+00:00

Found out a few months back that the wife was having an emotional affair with some weasely little cunt a few thousand miles away that she met playing a video game online.

Before that, I'd trusted her 100%. Now I trust her not at all. I'd started on the road to RP a few weeks before finding all this out, but hadn't put any of it into practice yet.

My virgin wife, whom I thought I'd vetted so thoroughly had betrayed her vows, even though she never fucked the guy. (100% sure of this. He's thousands of miles away, she's a SAHM, and I work from home.)

I wonder if women know what they obliterate through their unrestrained hypergamy.

[deleted] · 2016-11-04T07:48:00+00:00

[permanently deleted]

ex_addict_bro · 2016-11-04T05:01:18+00:00

Hi,

please read my primer on the so-called "emotional affairs" here: https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/59bkve/trying_to_go_slow_fucked_up_and_got_into_a_mini/d979uo5/

And, if you really hope the dildo was all she had inside, I have some bad news for you.

Here is your square one: divorce. Your marriage is DONE. Your relationship with the girl is FINISHED. All the bitch does is she prepares herself for a branch swing.

99% my ass.

"Oh I did that because I needed to vent"

"Oh he was far away I thought it was safe"

Guess what, Germany has airplanes and trains and he has business nearby. He's going to pump and dump your precious and leave her even more tingling to him while she gives you that drip-sex to keep her beta.

Source: me. Ex wife started "emotional affair" with a guy on another continent 6-12 months before they met, what's more funny it was after I started to sober up. Look, you improve, she looks for a branch swing, is that hard enough?

RecoveringBlue · 2016-11-03T11:17:25+00:00

You needed this.

It's totally fucked up, but it's a good thing you've had to face this as now the final aspect of the pill can dissolve. Everyone holds on to their little bit of ego & pride until something like this happens.

It fucking sucks, she'll never be that 'perfect' girl again, but now at least she's real & you're fully immersed in reality.

Do not hold on to resentment, she did what any woman would do when they are bogged down with a weak man. You say you were strong, but admitted to finally getting through some mental issues.

Women view mental & physical fitness the same. You can be jacked, but if you're a 'nice guy' she's gone. You can be a mental powerhouse, but if you're fat she's gone.

Don't let your past kill you & don't treat this as something to hang over her head for the rest of your marriage, she doesn't owe you shit. She fucked up because you were fucked up - if you viewed this to be irrecoverable then you should have divorced her - you didn't.

Restructure the relationship, let her know your hard boundaries, make it clear where you stand on whatever issues still linger, then move forward without turning back.

Get Over Your Relationship PTSD

Things have changed brother, adapt & overcome.

Remember you kept her you can't hang onto this or it will fester and destroy whatever it was that you were hoping to save.