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My relationship has without a doubt improved the most after I started watching my tone and speech when talking to my fiance compared to other improvements I have made.

You can change so much just by cultivating a polite and pleasant tone when talking and by not raising your voice when emotions take hold. He's less likely to get annoyed and actually listens to your concerns.

The same goes for nagging and complaining, it's hard but by just stopping to nag about things and trying to make him aware you are bothered in a more passive way he feels compelled to do it because he cares more about you and your feelings whenever he's not annoyed.

The one thing I learned is that there are things you simply don't need to mention at all if it only takes a small effort to fix it yourself.

Of course it's not always easy but that's the one aspect we should try to work on the most in our relationships. Because it's often what male partners are bothered by the most.

What's your best tactic for keeping quiet when you should or refrain from nagging and complaining?


[–]KQueenSirenLTR-LDR 3 years10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Honestly one of the rules I always remember is that he usually has more important things to worry about right now, this isn't the time, and I tell him offhandedly later on. Also, sometimes when I remind him of things (he's VERY forgetful) I emphasize that I'm trying to do it for his good, not to poke and annoy him and insinuate he's less intelligent or along those lines. I'm trying to build him up and be sort of a secretary rather than his mom and tell him how terrible he is at things.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

"I'm trying to build him up and be sort of a secretary rather than his mom. . ."

This! I try to think of myself as his personal assistant and household manager that gets to have fun sexy times with him and be loved too. It definitely encourages a different style of approaching issues.

[–]LaneysWorld25 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree, that's a great comparison! This is how I approach my role too, my job is to make sure he is able to do his, has a clean house, a warm meal and nothing that bothers him so he can concentrate on his tough work.

I'm secretary, household manager and domestic worker all in one and he greatly values me for doing my part :)

[–]kittenupatree1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

On this note I've been learning how to remove all complaints or demands and replace them with my desires. It doesn't matter how nice you make a complaint sound, if instead you say what you love and desire you will give him a chance to be your hero, not your child. I am not his coach, he'll live life to the fullest without my critique, so in order for him to do what I like, first he has to know what that is, then he has to know how much I love it when he does that. If he has to deliver on a list for me to be happy, I need to check where my trust has gone. I've come to understand men want to make us happy, but if they're constantly feeling they have to measure up or we're unconsolable no matter how hard they try, they'll stop doing what doesn't work. Find the root of your desires, remove your expectations, and see what they do to rise to your needs. Tell them what you want, not what you want from them. Give it time and see if you notice a change.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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