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ASK RPWWeddings - worth the cost? (self.RedPillWives)

submitted by i_have_a_semicolon

Hi all. we are planning to book a venue , and have scoured our options. And we are ready to pill the trigger. We don't really have a budget for the wedding perse, but all in (venue + photos + etc etc) probably would amount to almost 40k which is insane yet still affordable to us, especially since it won't all be due in one fell swoop all at once. We are certainly looking forward to the party. We aren't too worried about the cost. He and I are both excited. But a part of me is still anxious. I don't want to misplace my priorities, have this crazy great wedding and have our marriage fall into dispair shortly after. I just am looking for some encouragement that you can have both an expensive wedding + an amazing marriage and there's no old wives tale about even if you're not spending beyond your means, if you spend more than X dollars on your wedding it's over 😂

I suppose I just find myself second guessing if this is the right choice. I hope it will be. I think it will be. And fiance is 100% on the same page. So why am I so fearful? Why do I think that sacrificing this tradition would make our marriage more strong? Is is possible to strengthen the bond with your future husband throughout the process of wedding planning? We have been great so far. Just choosing the venue has been fun, but I'm worried it's a false sense since we haven't committed to anything yet! But that's about to change so naturally I'm nervous. What do you ladies think?


[–]stacysmom4022 points23 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Our wedding was probably in the $40k range if you include the rings and the dress. We have great memories of an awesome party to celebrate our love. If you can afford it, why not?

One of the ladies that attended our wedding recently got engaged and is insisting that I help her plan her wedding (I’m so happy to do it). She said our wedding was the best she’s ever attended.

I think going into debt for a wedding is a bad idea. Throwing a great party that you can afford is totally fine.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Throwing a great party that you can afford is totally fine.

Phew, I hope this isn't silly to say but this is exactly what I was hoping to hear 😅

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Totally agree. As long as you are within your means and it feels important to you both, then have a great wedding and enjoy it!

Our friends still talk so fondly of our wedding. We poured a lot (financially and emotionally) into our wedding and we wouldn't change a thing.

[–]HB32349 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If it's not presenting financial hardship, have the wedding you and your fiance want. The reason extravagant affairs are linked to divorce is either (a) goimg into debt and the subsequent pressures; (b) caring about appearances more than the core of your relationship; (c) using a big wedding to mask a troubled relationship (same couple that later has a baby to try to fix something); or some combination there-of. If it's within your means and you both want it, it poses no risk to your relationship.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so much for writing out this response. This is another thing I was hoping to hear. I'm about half way through the surrendered wife right now and honestly nothing in that book is super controversial or news to me, so I feel like we are already pretty good when it comes to taking care of the core of our relationship and prioritizing our relationship (or rather, the happiness and fufillment the other gets from it) above all else.

As for finances, my other responses should indicate how much this is not the primary concern for us, but no the dent we will make with the cost of the wedding isn't significant to us in the grand scheme of things, and we already spent more $ on a more significant purchase of our home and even that didn't drain our accounts enough to make a difference in the planning and execution of our wedding plans

[–]HappySoutherner7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Honestly for NJ, I would be surprised if you could get a lavish wedding done for 40k. That is probably 20k below average for Jersey.

If you could afford it and are not going to go into debt, do what you like. Don’t turn into a nightmare human being just because it is your wedding and remember to treat people, including your fiancé with kindness and respect and you will be fine.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, we are definitely doing our due diligence and going with the cheaper costs for things wherever possible. 40k is a pie in the sky guestimate right now with 18k being the venue (food and ceremony) and 12k being everything else but now that you mention it , that will be hard. I will need to spend more time thinking about where to get affordable flowers, photography, music, addons, hotel accommodations, a dress, hair and makeup, ugh!

I will be 100% kind and respectful throughout the process! I agree this is the most important thing.

[–]HappySoutherner6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Girl, don’t sweat it. Honestly for most weddings, no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. To help alleviate a lot of the stress hire a wedding planner, at least part time.

If not, remember every little detail does not matter. Your guests are there to celebrate the two of you by drinking (probably), eating, and just having a good time. The best wedding I have ever attended was less than $5K but they had an open bar, awesome food, and the atmosphere was very romantic yet fun (another family owned property). Make it a party that you would like to attend.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks! Ugh, if only we had a big family property we could steal for a night / weekend 😂 we will have to go out of pocket if we want a big party for a venue and accommodations to house the whole lot.

Agreed with your suggestions. Thanks so much. Yes, I don't care much about what others "think" of the wedding. Like all families there are judgemental people who will never be 100% thrilled with all the details. Who cares though, as long as they come, eat, be merry, dance, enjoy the night, and I have lovely memories throughout the night.

[–]lalabats5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Wow 40k is a lot! I thought our wedding was extravagant at 15K and 250 attendees lol. Many people in my family have gotten married for under 1K so I heard a lot of those old wives tales. As long as you and your Fiance know what's in your heart and you both have no qualms spending the money, go for it! Y'all will be fine.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I think a lot of the cost is just driven by being in New Jersey - it's one of the most expensive states. Fortunately we do get something for what we pay for, and the venues we visited were great. The cost of the venue will likely only be 18ishk, but I imagine with everything else it WILL add up to 40. We could bring the cost of the venue down if we chose a less ideal venue, a less ideal date, etc. We already compromised by getting the afternoon wedding (the night weddings are much more expensive and bigger minimum guest count). We wanted to do a lovely weather out door wedding. The cost per person is 125 + 22% + 7% sales tax * 100 people + 1500 ceremony fee. I think it will be hard to get under 100$ per person for what we want, which is a day that we spend all the time and money for and wouldn't change a thing. I don't want to spend time and money and cut corners and dislike the end result, so I feel if I had to choose between a less expensive wedding where I regretted the choices, no wedding, and an expensive wedding where I did not regret any choice, I would have to decide between the latter two.

My fiance and I are both in favor of having the wedding over not, so I suppose it comes down to the third.

[–]lalabats1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You may be right, we live in a large Texas city and were able to snag our reception venue(very lovely hotel) for about 8K, including food (65$ a person), 4 nights stay in honeymoon suite, and all the chairs, tables, set up. We also goy married in February (I despise Texas summer weddings for obvious reasons) so that helped with the price. We are Catholic, so we had our ceremony in my home church (800$). Then all the other fluff large weddings need lol. I do not regret anything about our wedding, it was very lovely and fun and everyone of our guests had a great time! Hold strong in what you 2 want, and try (easier said than done, I know) not to question or 2nd guess yourself. I'm wishing ya'll a beautiful wedding day!

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The destination wedding was also floated as an idea (would drive down the cost) but it would mean undue inconvenience, expense, and trouble for our guests, and would mean less people would be able to RSVP.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I'm so happy you had a lovely wedding and wouldn't change a thing! We are hoping the same which is why we smile and wave at the venues looking for 200-600pp. They were nice but out of budget. We are confident we can do something awesome for less...how much less is an unknown variable 😅

Maybe I should reconsider looking at hotels with nice reception areas, rather than banquet halls. I guess I'll do some research tomorrow 😎

[–]lalabats1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good luck! 😊

[–]GiveMeYourCupcakes5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

First off, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! :)

If you can afford it/not go into any form of credit card or loan debt, and your fiance and both of your families are on board, go for it! You and your fiance have a kick butt party! It is perfectly alright to spend if the rest of your financial affairs are in order. That being said, only throw a party if it's within your means. I would recommend setting a "ball park" budget. Doesn't have to be too tightly detailed, just something that you have in mind to keep you grounded from going way above and beyond what you'd be happy with.

Destination is always an option too. My fiance and I are getting married at a resort in Riviera Maya this spring with a second reception in our home town during the summer. We have the same guest list for each event, and so far we have about 45 people coming down to the actual wedding which is pretty cool. When everything is all said and done with the dress, church, two receptions, marimba band, etc. It will be around 30k. But the big thing is all parties involved are comfortable with the budget, and everything is being paid for with cash. We already own a house that's pretty much paid down, so we figured that we'd spend a little more on the wedding.

Expensive weddings cause issues when folks go into debt, and wind up married with a huge loan over their head while trying to save up for a house or have 70k left of grad school to pay off. This naturally causes stress and money fights...which is one of the top reasons for divorce.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I see. We bought our house (20% down for a 4 bedroom) in June, and the cost was within our means.

I think that only if one of us stopped working in the immediate future we might run into money issues. I still have student debt to go, but I could have also paid it off already and not had money for the house or savings. I was advised to pay the student loans every year since the interest is lower than the returns I can get if I invest the same money.

So, yeah this party is within our current and foreseeable means. We already have the $ to afford the wedding Even if we do not account for our growth in savings for the year upcoming. Given a few more years of working we will be back to where we were before we bought the house and the wedding so I'm not particularly worried about finances! Lucky us

[–]GiveMeYourCupcakes0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Then go for the big wedding girl! Happy planning! :)

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks!!

[–]Hartley7Married for 9 years4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

We eloped. There were many mishaps that day and my parents didn't speak to us for one year. They are very traditional and I'm the only daughter. At first, I regretted our elopement so much that we planned an elaborate vow renewal. Eventually, I came to my senses and realized that a wedding is not a marriage.

My elopement taught my parents that we will do as we please and they should not interfere unless they want to be left out. We would have had a family wedding but my mother was being way too pushy and controlling. After she spread rumors about my husband and I and kept screaming at us, we decided that we didn't need that negativity around us on our special day. I'm glad that my mother was not present.

Too many women focus on the glamour of one day so much that they end up marrying the wrong men. This many not be the case with you but it's worth mentioning.

If you can afford a big wedding, then go ahead and pay for it. It's your money and you're the one who decides what to do with your income. If the price tag is too high, you can always have a scaled down 20K wedding. Restaurant receptions are becoming more popular and they cost less.

I knew a woman whose wedding cost 80K. Her ring was 20K and her dress was 15K. She and her husband used their retirement savings for a down payment on a house. LOL Ridiculous!

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm so sorry you had an awful experience with your mom and your wedding :( I hope you guys are in better terms now.

Marrying the wrong man, is not even a singular doubt in my mind. My only doubt is if I deserve him :)

I counted how much $ I'll take home after taxes in one year exceeds the cost of the wedding alone, we are splitting it, and we save couple of thousands due to to the wonderful gifts we received in the engagement party thrown by my mother and potentially cards we will get. (That is if TD bank doesn't steal another 100$ from our engagement funds account, those slimy bastards).

We will basically be put out a few months at 26/27 in terms of saving for retirement and longer if we don't hire a financial planner soon and figure out how to invest the excess money. So I'm thankful to be in this high earning position, us both to be, at these early stages of our career and we haven't maximized our earning potential either!

[–]Hartley7Married for 9 years1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm sure that you deserve him. Remember that YOU are the prize.

I've gotten past our wedding. We've been able to build a beautiful marriage in spite of the beginnings.

Don't count on receiving a certain amount of cash as wedding gifts. The woman I mentioned who had a huge wedding didn't even receive half of what she paid for her special day.

Like I said, you're free to spend whatever you wish on your wedding. I hope it goes well.

[–]thatbadlarry14 points15 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Nope not worth it. We eloped and it was great. Married on the beach with a justice of the peace and 2 friends of ours. My only regrets are that we didn’t dress up (even a little) or get any professional pictures done. We spent $200. I don’t feel like we missed out that much. It’s a failed marriage at this point (14 years later) and if I ever get married again it will be a simple and frugal wedding.
The idea of spending a house downpayment on one day would stress me out too much to actually enjoy it.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

The idea of spending a house downpayment on one day would stress me out too much to actually enjoy it.

Haha, well I suppose as a consolation to us we just bought a house and spend over double that on the down payment.

But it does stress me out a little. I'm at the point where I am just trying to understand if it has to, or if I can let go of the stress and trust that the $ that is being spent is ultimately worth it.

It does scare me that, us divorcing will undo it in my eyes. But I don't see divorce as a possibility or option right now and if we got to the point where we did, we wouldn't even care about the wedding anymore by that point I hope.

I'm comparing ourselves to close relatives who had a beautiful wedding in the past few years but now I know some things that the husband is doing (hitting on women behind the back of his pregnant wife) and it just makes me feel like the entire wedding was a farce. And I don't want mine to be a farce.

[–]thatbadlarry5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

There’s a huuuuuge push in our society to have as lavish a wedding as possible and it’s a disgusting industry. A giant party will not a happier marriage make. My friend got married last summer for less than 3k. They married on her brothers farm and had a potluck picnic which everyone loved. She scored a beautiful lavender dress for $50. Her mom grew all the flowers. She and her husband made all the favours the weekend before after splitting a bottle of wine. They had so so so much fun making them and frankly they (the favours) were a hot mess and it was an adorable story that made us love them even more! Her family got them an Airbnb on a remote island for their honeymoon and it was perfect. They loved every minute of their wedding. The biggest expense was the photographer. She said it was the best day of her life and she was so happy they did it that way. Being frugal brought them closer together and having the families help with so much made them feel even more a part of their day. So I’m on team cheap wedding all the way!

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Unfortunately we do not have any close family with large pieces of property where we could throw an event of a substantial size.

I will have to think about things tonight and see if there's another way to get everyone together on a beautiful weather day 🤐

[–]JustScrollOnward2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Everyone always has these stories where people spent next to nothing but then had family that supplied everything for them! I wish I had that. Haha.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Haha yeah!!

[–]thatbadlarry1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’m sure whatever you decide - you’ll be happy with. You know it’s about the marriage, not one day. A lot of brides lose focus on the important stuff but you sound like your priorities are straight.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! I hope they are !

[–]Hammocknapping5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Yes, it is absolutely worth it. I get the financial part not being a big deal, but I understand that others may have a vastly different perspective.

If you can pay for it in cash (which should actually be all on rewards cards FYI, we basically did our honeymoon alll in points!) then it’s worth it to throw a huge, fun party to get everyone together and thank them for everything they’ve done.

I don’t regret a thing. Also the thought that all men hate weddings and think they are poor investments is total bologna. My husband loved planning the wedding together and thinking of new ideas together.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

it’s worth it to throw a huge, fun party to get everyone together and thank them for everything they’ve done.

Yes! We looked at it this way and it was so beautiful. We had a small ceremony with just family and our very closest friends which was 100% for us, and then a huge raucous reception with 200+ friends and it was all for them. A great big thank you to all of our friends and community who helped us over the years.

the thought that all men hate weddings and think they are poor investments is total bologna.

Exactly. I did 90% of the planning along with my female friends and relatives, but whenever I went to my husband for his input he was all for the more extravagant options. He loved our wedding and didn't want me to skimp out at all.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

That's awesome! I'd love to hear just one fond memory from you and your husband planning the wedding. Fiance just balked at me throwing out the 40k before reminding him that we were already planning to put 18k into the venue, ceremony, and all that's included in those things. We will also need alll the other things and although I haven't done the research my gut is telling me 12k is probably a fair guestimate if I'm willing to cut corners somewhere in that mix. But if I'm even 10k off we are still in good shape.

I wasn't expecting the venue to be so expensive but now that I've done the rounds, I can see that to get what we want in a venue, saving 2k doesn't make sense.

As for cash, yes we can certainly pay cash for all the transactions. We are not needing to go into debt to afford our party or even close to debt.

I'm so thrilled to hear some positive feedback. my fiance seems like your hubby. I asked about eloping and less expensive options and he wasn't into it. He wants to throw a big party for his friends and family too!!

[–]Hammocknapping2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My husband liked the “instant gratification” best: picking the menu, cake tasting, wedding dress/suit shopping, etc.

The pieces where planning or designing were involved, he would give input at the beginning and then sign off on the final products. For example, he gave our graphic designer the image he had for our paper products at the beginning, but I’m the one who worked with them on the drafting and fine tuning process.

[–]takeyourvitam1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Take this as an opportunity to bond as a couple: do thinks that have meaning for both of you, to show how you care for each other preferences/taste/dreams... and maybe you want to try to approach this milestone of your shared life as the first real opportunity to see how you work together: which things you need to decide between you, which ones you manage as individuals,learn how to listen to your future husband's needs and likes and show him that you see him as the "captain" of the family you are about to build, show him what things makes you happy or you always dreamed about, and for the part that worries you, this is a great time to learn how to manage life together without going over your possibilities, working on a nice,logical budget and still living fulfilling experiences that will become fond memories.

Do what makes you feel happy,secure, and alive!

Congratulations on your marriage, i wish you both many merry years to come.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Lovely answer, I agree 100% :)

[–]takeyourvitam0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

So kind,thank you!

[–]jackandjill221 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Congratulations.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you!

[–]JustScrollOnward1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

it’s common to want to have a baby after getting married and to want to stay home with that baby. I wouldn’t spend any more on a wedding than it would tie me down to a job and keep me from starting a family. That said, I see nothing wrong with an expensive wedding. Ours was 20-20k in the Midwest. It was a beautiful night and friends still comment that it was one of the most fun receptions they had been to.

The reception we saw as time to celebrate with friends and family. It is all about attitude I believe. We cared far more about the marriage than the wedding itself. I didn’t agonize over details or anything that went wrong. I was just so excited to marry my groom! It was the best day ever. It’s so exciting to celebrate your commitment with friends and family.

But i will say I come from again a more traditional belief system and I do think that makes a difference in the excitement of the affair. We don’t believe in divorce or sex before marriage, so marriage is truly entering into a lifelong commitment that is new and exciting and beautiful. It’s not just an expensive party- it’s a celebration.

I would focus far more on the vows you make and the marriage prep. Marriage is self sacrifice every day. You will see the worst of your spouse and yet you still have to love him because you promised him you would till you die :)

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

We wedding is far far far from out marriage, it's just top of mind because we sort of need to book now or not do the wedding. 😎

Before I went forward I wanted to take a step back and ask myself if this was worth it. And I think it is.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If it's doable for you and it's what you both want, then go nuts! A wedding is not a marriage and vice versa. Only how you and your husband act after the wedding will determine its success.

We had a big wedding and we don't regret it at all. We spent a lot of money, but not so much that we went into debt. It was amazing. It was so special to throw an incredible party for all of our friends and family who helped us over our lives. We treated it as both a celebration and consolidation of our love, and also a gift of gratitude to our loved ones. We talk about it all the time and it's such a fond memory for us.

A good wedding is not necessary for a good marriage, but if you can manage it and it feels important to you then it's a beautiful way to celebrate love.

[–]la_scozzese33 married. Together 14 years1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If it’s in your means you should feel free to spend as much or as little as you want.

[–]EGOtyst4 points5 points  (17 children) | Copy Link

One night. One. Night.

It's absolutely not worth it. Not in the slightest.

Ask yourself this: if there was not a wedding, would you pay $40k for your friends and family to have fun?

Elope. For God's sake, elope.

$40k is a down payment on a house for Christ's sake.

Ask ANY man if it's a good idea. They well tell you no. You want to give your husband a great wedding gift? Well, 40 thousand dollars is a great fucking gift.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years4 points5 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

Does it change the circumstances if the $40k is a blip in our radars in the long term, assuming we remain as gainfully employed as we both are today for a few years ?

I'm conflicted because eloping has been floated as an idea by me a few times and fiance always seems against it, because he wants to celebrate the occasion with our friends and family. And I agree with that feeling.

So I just feel stuck because you can't get 100 people in a room, not call it a wedding , and have a party ,and it will be the same and cheap.

On one hand it's only one night. On the other hand it's a night totally dedicated to us, and we will never forget it and cherish our memories and throw a fun party for friends and family.

It's just down to the point where I need to make the final call and pay $ for the down payment and there's no going back after that. I know it's not the most logical, rational call, and I know not nearly everyone would make the same call. But if it's the wrong call, I don't want to make it. It's just hard to know if it's the wrong call, or if there's no right or wrong, it's just whatever we want to do.

[–]EGOtyst0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Unless you are literally making enough money for it to not matter...

Look. When the day is done, whether you elope or go all out, you are just two married people.

I have never known of anyone to get divorced because they had a lackluster wedding. But I've known a few good many to happen over debt.

Maybe I'm just a spoil sport but...

I mean, for 40k, fly your p parents and best friends to st Simons and live like kings for two weeks. Really fucking DO something with the money.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I guess we should start by coming up with the guest list and confirming we want to involve all these people in our wedding party. I love the idea of getting more bang for my buck!

But the expense of 40k for a one time event isn't particularly fazing to us. Maybe it's because we are very fortunate with our respective employments. But I definitely understand that amount of $ is rediculous and we may have become desensitized to the cost because we are being lead to believe that is the expected cost of an avg wedding in our area if we're not able to cut corners.

[–]EGOtyst0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Do not listen to the people selling you wedding shit when it comes to the average cost of the wedding, lol.

Consider this, when it comes to a guest list.

If you had it on a Wednesday, with no free food, and no free booze, who would come?

That should be the only guest list. At max.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good advice! Thanks!

[–]EGOtyst0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Look, when I got married, I very quickly didn't care anything about spending the day with the guests.

I just got married! I wanted to spend the time with my wife! Fuck the guests.

Seriously, a giant wedding is for the family, not the couple.

You have to understand whether you want to BE married or GET married.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yes, the wedding is not primarily for us it is for our family and friends That is the driving force underneath but yes I see your point. It will be hard to sit down and determine we are totes ok with spending 40k on an event which is 80% catered to the desires of our guests and 20% catered to our desires. Thanks for your perspective.

[–]EGOtyst-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

no worries.

like... the important thing to remember is that your wedding has very little bearing on your actual marriage.

If you are honestly on the fence... do this.

Elope. with a few very close friends and family, elope.

Then, a year later, have a crazy big party where you renew your vows on your anniversary.

I would bet, that a year later, you decide not to have the party.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'll broach the topic with fiance again but last I recall he was not into the eloping idea :) we will see

[–]EGOtyst0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

It's your wedding. You shouldn't remember it only because you spent 40k. You should remember it because it meant something.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Id rather not think about the cost at all, the cost isn't the driving factor. I'm trying to keep the cost down, too. But when we look at what a certain short cut could afford us in terms of what my fiance and I get out of that day, we are leaning towards spending a little more $ and getting more enjoyment for that reason.

I am going to take another step back and further analyze the decisions behind the lens of it will mean something to us. If it will mean something we will do it. If not we will not. One example is choosing the day time over the night time wedding. The time of day of wedding ended up not being very meaningful to us, as we are sure our guests can arrive and look their best at 11am, and we can find something fun to do (for more $ I suppose!) After the reception is over at 5pm. So there being no meaningful difference to us, besides that now we have to wake up earlier and figure out after hours activities, between day and night is what helps us drive our decision. We put everything under the lense of if we really want it and it's meaningful to us, or if we don't and it isn't. And if it's the former and the cost isn't totally outlandish, we are for it.

[–]EGOtyst-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

hey, to each their own. I just know I can think of way better ways to spend 40k

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Me too! Maybe next time we have money piled up in our accounts and we're bored we will do something for 40k hahah

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

It's not worth it to you. We spent a lot of money on our wedding at my husband's request. He loved it.

OP has said that it wouldn't cause financial stress. Calm down with the profanity and directives.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Tbh it was interesting to see the opposing perspective, as he raised a lot of good points. He's right that even tho it won't put us in ant financial hardship, it's also a large expense. So I can also understand the distrust of the industry and the coorporations that drive these prices to unreasonable amounts. And I wonder if I'm brainwashed into wanting to be a Disney princess for a day.

But this perspective is certainly a valid one to consider. However, if in despite all of this we have come to the conclusion to do the wedding, it's thanks to all of the wonderful perspectives shared including this one. The profanity wasn't being used to disrespect either, but demonstrate strong emotion. That's fine.. he is entitled to his opinion and I don't think it's not red pill to have that opinion.

I just be happening to look for confirmation bias in this post BECAUSE I want to be reassured I'm not the only crazy one to do all of it anyway!

And it's crazy in the sense that love is crazy. :)

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Men are under a microscope here, so as soon as they come in telling the women what to do they'll be pulled up on it. There's a difference between saying "my experience is X" and saying "fucking do X and if you don't you're stupid".

I'm glad you could get something from it though :)

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I see your point, however keep in mind it's probably just his communication style not to be specific "I think you should do X" verses "do x", I suppose I just think that given it's one of the only opposite perspective I personally wouldn't want it stifled but I think it could have been worded differently for sure.

Edit; I forgot a less strongly worded post, see the strong words tend to stick out which is why people tend to use em 😅

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I would rather have a cheaper wedding but a bigger safety net. Generally the people I know who had cheap weddings were more likely to go the distance, and there is some evidence in studies of that.

However, I am broke, and always have been. Our wedding cost £550 in 2003. I'd have spent a little more if we'd be able to, but not much!

You do you though :) your money and your wedding is your own business. Don't waste energy worrying about the cost, use that energy for building a long, happy marriage.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's what I'd like to do! Thank you!

[–]DoctorNini0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

This always weirds me out about weddings in the US. I am from the Netherlands, and my husband and I spend 7k. An expensive wedding here would be about 15k, but more than that would be considered overspending.

Things we saved on were a big dinner (we had dinner with just our parents) and a big party (only 30 of our best friends). I am still happy about that choice, because it gave us the time to spend time with everyone at the party. At the reception (120 guests) I just felt like I was running to talk to everyone, and would still only see them for 5 minutes. So if I had to do it again, I would still make the same choice. And if we would have had a much bigger budget, I would have spend that on the honeymoon instead of the wedding.

Just make sure you spend money on things that matter to you. If that adds up to 40k and you and your fiance are both fine with that, then go ahead. :)

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks so much for the kind words and sharing your experience

[–]threefishies26, Married 1 year/Together 2.0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My husband is 33 and I am 26 and we have a young child, and we opted for a very inexpensive wedding (Other than the 2,3k rings for me as per his wish if not demand though) because we wanted to pull the trigger on a little baby as quickly as possible. I would never say we regret it bc we met later in life and together chose building a larger family as a priority, but had we met earlier... We would have had a larger wedding, because it unfortunately hurt a lot of people we are close to that we eloped. I would consider that as an argument when you pick- we married earlier than we ''should'' have afforded, and it hurt people, BUT we met older and wanted as many kids as we could afford before we turn a certain age which has yet to be determined, so we compromised.

If we had met earlier, we would have had a great party with those we love to celebrate our love. If you are in this position, see this as your permission to do so if you are looking for one and your husband and you are on the same page. :)

[–]reddishrobin0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

OMG what a ridiculous price for a one day party. That's an expensive new car or a house deposit.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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