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[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

As long as you keep being compared favorably I wouldn't worry too much about it. 4 years is a long time, and so it's understandable that he keeps using it as a point of reference for his subsequent relationships. The guy should probably have a better filter but I wouldn't be concerned.

I think the best thing to do is date a bit longer and continue building a non-judgmental atmosphere in which he's comfortable telling you the truth. At some point you'll be able to ask the hard but non-accusatory questions like, "do you miss her? You talk about her often, I notice."

You're astute to observe that so long as you're low-maintenance (as you should be), his relationship with her will seem like the more passionate one and, to an immature person, the more desirable one. But... if that's what he wants then you two--in all of its stability and happiness-aren't meant to be. It'd mean that based on this singular issue alone, he is not mature enough to value the strength coming from a no-drama relationship. If he is a good catch by being mature enough to learn from his last relationship, then he won't see his old relationship as the more attractive one.

Who broke up with who? If he was always trying to please her and she broke up with him... that's something to keep an eye on.

[–]PumpkinSub7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I feel as though the comparisons need to stop. Right now they are favorable but in his head he may be thinking of the non favorable ones. He may slip and let one out when you two disagree on something in the future. Being a low key g/f is great and he may come around to appreciating the less intense relationship. It takes some time to learn that intense does not equate to a deep loving connection. Frankly what feels good, like really down to the bones good, is when you can rely on your partner and have sweet tempered interactions with them daily. He won't need to have the highs and lows of a rocky relationship to feel the love and if he does then he isn't ready for a mature relationship. You may already know this but it will take him some time so perhaps waiting it out a little bit and see if he comes around to it on his own. I just feel like the more he compares the more he exists in that old world. He is with someone new and should work to be in the present. If it continues after another month or so, I'd mention it kindly but firmly. Personally, I don't think you need to get into the insecure questions if he is over her or not, just focus on the up front issue that he stop comparing verbally and see where that goes.

[–]jack_hammarred25 LTR 4yrs3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m also scared of looking like a fool

This, to me, seems like the crux of the challenge that you have control over, and by focusing on addressing this specific facet you may crack the whole code.

Relationships succeed when people have respect, but they (IMO) are doomed to fail without vulnerability. Be willing to be the fool. Make good choices and all that, but by worrying about being made a fool, you’ll sort of always have one foot out of the relationship. So double down, and be vulnerable. What would you rather regret, being silly head over heels in love (which you can do while still being a self respecting person with their act together), or losing the man of your dreams because you were too proud?

Y’all are new, and he was in a relationship for four years. It’s natural to compare your current to your past. And he’s doing it in a positive way. His behavior IMO isn’t strange. From his perspective he may well be complimenting you. If this continues for six months to a year more maybe ask him, or tell him. “I believe and trust you’re using these comparisons in a complimentary way but i can’t help but feel like and wonder if there’s something about the old dynamic you miss. I’m curious about that, and curious about how to make our relationship incomparably gorgeous.”

He may well want some more drama, some liveliness, some emotional turmoil, some fires to put out. If you aren’t already, always be sure to find ways to let your man be there for you. Bring him your challenges and seek his help/advice/emotional strength. Bring him your passion, frustration, enthusiasm. Commonly, men like seeing these things in their women because it’s dynamic and polar. If you’re all “yes sir” “no sir” “whatever you want sir” it gets monotonous, like there is no one who needs HIS leadership because you’d follow any old male.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

All these comparison in your favor is an excuse from him to keep talking to his ex who he clearly doesn't want to lose or he would've stopped talking to her and stopped talking about her already.

[–]okayestwifeyEarly 30s, Married 9 years, together 122 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

If he's directly, openly comparing you to his ex, even favorably, that's not a great sign. I know he's said he won't stop being friends with her, but has he indicated why? Also, have you shared these concerns with him?

[–]A_Confused_Hamster 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

He told me they were friends for years before dating, and that since she's important to him he wants to stay friends. I haven't brought it up to him yet because I'm still unsure how I feel about it, and if it's even an issue for me.

[–]okayestwifeyEarly 30s, Married 9 years, together 120 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

In that case, I tend to be more forgiving, at least of their friendship in the first place. Whether or not it's a dealbreaker for you, only you can say.

[–]FKAIrisWife (3y) mom (1y) former mod1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Simply put you can not know if you do not ask. You can always tell your SO that you are feeling insecure and nervous. It's up to him what he does with that information. But these are your feelings and valid as they might be you are choosing to be in a relationship with someone who is still friendly with his ex.

He will usually say something nice to me (like that I'm easily happy, low maintenance) and then compares it to how he was always fighting with his ex and she'd get upset at him easily.

This is not a bad thing - this can even be seen as a good thing. You are, in his mind, better than his ex. He might also be telling you this to make sure you understand that he has an expectation that future girlfriends aren't picking fights. So he's kind of telling you "I expect you to behave better than my ex and this is how you can do that". He may or may not realize he's doing it.

Listen to him and trust what he says is the truth. No one here on Reddit knows your boyfriend better than you do - and your boyfriend knows himself best.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hmm....this could go either way.

It's odd that he brings her up to you at all. I'd think if I were head over heels for someone, thoughts of my ex wouldn't even enter my mind, even if I was comparing my s.o. favorably. Almost sounds like he's trying to convince himself that you're better than her.

On the other hand, he really could just think you're the best girl he's dated and that's why the comparisons come to his mind.

Regarding his ex, they were pretty young when they got together, and they most likely grew apart or tarnished the relationship completely being that they dated during those messy formative years. My instinct is he wouldn't still be into someone he dated from that time, but maybe.

Hope this food for thought helps.

P.S. How did you meet him?

[–]jtriangle 1 points [recovered]  (4 children) | Copy Link

You're two months into this, so about ankle deep. Don't think that you really know him yet or that he really knows you, just that you're getting there and putting in the effort. Be realistic, stick to your game and your laurels and enjoy yourself.

As for the ex thing, I'd make sure to mention to him that him comparing you to his ex is not fair to anyone and that you'd like to be measured on your own. I'd start there and see how it goes. If he reacts favorably to that, give it a little while and breach the whole "stop hanging out with your ex" subject later. It may happen organically, which is ideal. Don't spend years with him before drawing a line in the sand however, I'd say a few months max. If you're as awesome in his eyes as he's claiming, his other actions will reflect that.

The issue you're going to have to evaluate is that he spent some of his formative years (22-26) with this other woman, and it didn't work out. She's left her mark on him for better or worse. That might be something catastrophic, or it might be totally fine. You haven't been together long enough, nor have you tested things enough, to make a solid decision yet.

[–]potentialnrg-2 points-1 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

It is not ok to expect or ask him to stop hanging out with his ex when he has been very clear from the beginning that it is non-negotiable.

[–]jtriangle1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

He never said that it's non negotiable, and even if he did, everything is negotiable. Situations and feelings change, if you treat them like they're static entities you're setting yourself up for misery.

[–]potentialnrg0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Very early he said he would not stop hanging out with her. He volunteered the information and was VERY clear about it. How is it a good idea, if this is a dealbreaker, to waste more time in the hopes that he gets more attached and then try and change his mind? Straight up asking him to choose and planning it in advance. Ridiculous. My fiance was with his ex for 6 years, they were friends first, and when they broke up he was no longer friends with her. There are plenty of guys who are not friends with their exes... probably most guys. Not vetting properly is setting yourself up for misery

[–]jtriangle0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

No doubt it's a less than ideal situation, but I stand by what I've said. Situations change, nothing is static, and because she's young it's worth a couple more months of careful consideration to find out.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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