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[–]stacysmom4025 points26 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yowza! Med school and training caused the death of my current husband’s first marriage. It’s a nightmare and I get that. But 8 years of undergrad and he hasn’t even started Med school? Have you guys been living on loans?

I’d have a hard time being accepting of a man putting me through such a tough time, spending so much time and money, and then just up and changing his mind. To me, that indicates a lack of follow through and self discipline that is going to lead to long term issues, no matter what. Although maybe he just misjudged himself because he was too young to know what he really wanted.

Fundamentally I think you married too young. That’s not a problem that is fixable. So I’ll move on from that.

If he gets a great paying job tomorrow and everything goes as he hopes (you can buy a house and grow your family) would you be happy? Or are you always going to resent him for this? Are there other issues or are you just pissed that he captained you in the wrong direction for too long?

Starting over isn’t easy. Leaving him won’t erase the wasted time and effort. Only you can decide though if you can keep going or if you are done.

[–]Honey_Mommy_8211 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Others can clarify here, but the people I know who got into medical school did it in 5 years and with a Biology Major and maybe a Chemistry minor. I'm aware there are required classes, but 8 Years full time for a bachelors degree?!

Anyway, what does have a major in, and how many? Has he at least graduated? This greatly affects his employment prospects and the advice we can give you.

I do hear you on time studying. My husband did his Masters part time and the classwork took him 2.5 years to complete... But his "Thesis" took 5 years. Why? Because he watched TV and video games instead of doing it and as a way of avoiding me. I know you're angry at your husband because I've been there.

My husband could have had a PhD with the amount of "time" he supposedly put in it. At least in his case he had a decent job with benefits and a pension plan.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That sounds so rough; and you don't want to just up-and-leave, after you sunk so much time and effort into it. I've been in a similar (though less dire) situation with a significant other in school, so your situation touches near to my heart.

Have you ever actually told him your concerns in any form? I know he's reassuring you, but that might be on his own initiative, because he understands that the current situation sucks and feels guilty about it. But if you always go "no, it's fine!" in answer to his reassurances, while seething inside, he just sees it as tacit encouragement to go on as he was before. So, if no communication has occurred, it should. You will have to bring to bear all your knowledge of him and tact and free yourself of resentment before broaching the subject. It's difficult to calibrate the proportion of gentleness and steel - "I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, but this is a SERIOUS concern, please don't dismiss it". That's your work to do, but it has to be done if it hasn't been already.

In addition to the communicating, I would probably wait at this point, and give him some time - a year, say - to work himself out. That way, you will have done your part to preserve the relationship, so your conscience and "what-if" (and his supplications, if any) won't bother you if you do decide to leave.

A final consideration: you know that he isn't looking for a way out of the marriage? If he's a passive sort, is he just leaving it on autopilot until you leave? Do you know that all of his studying did not involve any other extracurricular activities of a less wholesome sort? Because there's no point in making the one-sided sacrifice of drudging away in a relationship that he would be okay ending - and only finding this out years later.

Good luck!

[–]DoctorNini2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Can you clarify why he made this decision NOW? My husband and I are both MDs, and we knew both going into med school and going into the marriage how hard it was going to be. Maybe it is different where you live (I'm from Europe), but I would consider it public knowledge that working in medicine is tough and time consuming. Why did it take him this long to figure that out? And are you sure he is not quitting for another reason and using that as an excuse?

[–]JackGetsIt2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like you've already checked out; that's not right.

Part of getting married is being in it for times just like this. Yes he failed at his goal but that's a likelihood when you go for big goals. Now you have to be there for him. That's literally the entire point of a marriage union.

Consider the reverse situation. He took a job straight out of college to buy you a house and start the family and now he's locked into a go nowhere middle manager job and hates it. Imagine you hopping on the interwebs and saying, "I've been married for six years and my husband just has no passion! He doesn't want to do anything! I would gladly eat Ramen noodles in a studio apartment if I just had a guy that was doing something he loved and pursing his dream!"

Or flip the roles. What if you were in nursing school but it just didn't work out for you and you got really down on yourself and had to lean really hard on him. How would you feel if he jumped on line or went out with his friend thinking about leaving you?

I think you should probably explore your subconsious and consider the real reason your wavering is that it's just good timing. You also don't have kids yet and you have one more chance to find someone else before you hit the solid middle age stretch. Lots of people are doing it right? WRONG. Yes lots of people are doing it but that doesn't mean they end up happy doing it.

The guy you fell for and married is still right in front of your face. It's just a rough patch. The rough patches are what make the good ones amazing.

Hopefully you double down; if you made the right decision in the first place and vetted him right it's a no brainer that he will pull out of this and land something he likes and that can provide for you and the future kids comfortably.

[–]JustScrollOnward5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Did you make vows to be with him till death do you part?

[–]monicaleedodge4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There has been a shift in the start of relationships in this modern age. Men and women are getting together years before their careers get into motion, instead of just as it has begun. Before, men either entered into an entry-level career with potential and married young, or waited until they finished their training and started working before marrying as a skilled professional.

Nobody really understands how to navigate the training aspect of a career as a couple, because it usually means a lower standard of living. When one part of that partnership suddenly decides to change course, especially if it is the captain of the relationship, it can seem as if you are off course and going to become a castaway.

However, marriage is a commitment and sometimes there are storms. This is your storm. I won't lie to you - it is a bad one. A tempest.

It is entirely likely that your husband had misconceptions about what a medical career would entail. However, from your post it also appears as if both of you need more time together than his career could have ever afforded, and he was not even at the truly difficult part of the experience. Perhaps it would have changed were you at home and he was making a lot of money, though it is also true that he could be gone for days at a time during his medical training and as a doctor so it may not have worked out to begin with.

In a relationship it is important to have the same goals. Your strategies may be slightly different, but together you are a unit. That means your goals cannot be achieved with any other person, but each other.

You are upset. You have every right to be, because this is a frustrating situation. However, it is likely that you both want the same thing and were going in the wrong direction and now this is a chance for course correction.

Sit down with your husband and hash out your ideal life together, then, make compromises with each other to arrive at the same desired destination.

For instance, both of you appear to want a house and children. You also both seem to want to spend more time with each other than a high-powered career could afford. But chances are you have quite a bit of debt and are behind financially. He may be willing to make a lot less, but that does not mean you want to live off $30,000 a year with him working as a biotech or something similar. Nor would you want to spend another four years waiting for him to train for another profession so you could THEN have a house and children.

Figure out what you want. Figure out what course to take. Then compromise with each other. If you are not heading towards the same destination and neither of you can change, the relationship will not work. But perhaps you have more in common than you think, and that is what you should embrace.

You do not need to be a doctor's wife. Otherwise, you could marry any doctor. Is it his wife you want to be?

[–]Leg_Mcmuffin0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The way you feel is being dictated by stress and emotion. Support him. There is very little chance that you feel any more frustrated than he does. He will figure it out, and he needs you. This is all part of the game. You married young. This is extremely typical behavior for a young man trying to find his way. It’s not him that you don’t like. It’s this point in time. It will pass. This is a pivotal moment in your history together. It will be written however you wish it to be.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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