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15

[–]organicsunshine15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

"I lied to make you happy and life unnecessarily more difficult for us. You're welcome." What a S*** Show.

[–]GiveMeYourCupcakes11 points12 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

"I have a secret. Scratch that, it’s not really a secret. It’s something I regularly lie about to the one person in the world I share more or less everything with."

Sounds like that is a really healthy approach to a relationship and will bring long term happiness. /s But it looks like their relationship was a bit of a dumpster fire, aside from the finance thing because of the cheating. I'd bet money thing isn't the only thing they're both lying about right now. What a disaster!

I can't believe she is so self-centered at the end of the article when she says that she doesn't want to be resented by her boyfriend, when the article seems to smack with resentment towards him.

[–]littleeggwyfEarly 30s, Married, 10 years total[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

There's a huge amount of manipulation involved, I feel like cheating and lying are inevitable if you are that willing to lie for an easy life 😞

[–]GiveMeYourCupcakes2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I just don't understand how she can still be with him after he cheated on her. It's doesn't seem like she views him too highly either, so why be in the relationship at that point?

[–]littleeggwyfEarly 30s, Married, 10 years total[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

An awful lot of people stay in terrible relationships because they are waiting for someone better, I would expect her to cheat as soon as the opportunity arose 😟

[–]ytman0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm just perusing the sub after looking up the-red-pill, so don't mind me, but ...

Isn't staying in a marriage the traditionalist option?

And, while I'm not in the situation myself, its a common pop-culture trope that guys feel attacked when their wage earning status as 'breadwinner' is questioned. It goes back to a lot of the 'anti women in the work place movement' that started after the WWII GIs came back, but is still pushed today.

[–][deleted] 26 points27 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

1) Don't lie about money. Ever.

2) Indirectly attributing the wage gap to women shrinking away from higher paying jobs so as not to belittle men is dumb and inaccurate.

3) Using the phrase "fragile egos" as it relates to a man being the breadwinner is not going to help the situation.

All that said, women earning more does make for a tough dynamic.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think it can make a tough dynamic. My ex had a serious problem with my salary and never let me forget how threatened he was by it.

My SO has no problem with it and he uses his money to treat me well.

We're not married yet, so our money is separate, and the only time the salary difference ever comes up is if I want to do something outside of his budget (like stay overnight in another city instead of coming straight home from a show, or if I want to eat somewhere like Fogo De Chao instead of Chipotle). If I want to do something fancy, I pay for us.

We discussed how we'll combine finances when we're married, so I'm confident it will continue to be a non-issue for us.

[–]Ariel1256 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

no it doesn't... my husband enjoys my high salary as much as I do. It all goes into the same bank account and we don't track each other's spending. It's all "our" money and we enjoy it thoroughly. He's also my captain. What he says goes, and I trust him fully. He always takes the best care of me.

[–]littleeggwyfEarly 30s, Married, 10 years total[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That was my feeling, I agree with those points, but I find it interesting how the ideology of these ladies didn't work out in their relationships.

I also wondered if their relationships being so built on a false dynamic could last any length of time!

[–]jack_hammarred25 LTR 4yrs4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

... our relationship was the best it has ever been when he was briefly the breadwinner.

Oh, yay, this will be insightful!

He loaned me money, and he paid for holidays. If we ate out it was on him and, a few times, he even bought me clothes.

Oh. Oh, it was the best because he did shit for you, that's all. Spare me.

I hated it, and he moaned a bit, but, deep down, I knew he felt like he was finally living up to a warped societal pressure to be 'the man of the house'. He has even gone as far as to say that he feels he is failing if he can't provide for me.

During the year when I wasn't earning much money, I won an award for my work. He was genuinely happy for me, and felt like he had played a small part in it because he'd been able to make it possible financially. I remember going for a celebratory dinner that year on my birthday. He paid, we got a cab home, and then we had great sex. In fact, during that entire year the sex was the best it has ever been. It felt right, somehow, like we'd got the balance just right.

So she's right IMO to enjoy this correct balance of a woman relying on a man for stability, security, confidence, and maleness. But she's wrong when she said his sense of self fulfillment was due to living up to a societal pressure. It's an innate pressure that men have, I believe, and it's an innate pressure for a good reason. He feels this pressure on his own, and feels accomplished when his life and behavior and circumstances work in accordance with that pressure. All she is doing by hiding the earnings difference is confirming that he should feel shame, when he at last discovers this it's highly likely her deceit will make him feel the very feelings she's trying to prevent. It confirms his fears, whereas he'd be able to take control of the situation and not have that fallout if she were honest. Stability and security can come from more than physical safety and financial fortune, and I think now that women have broken the glass ceiling and often are able to earn more than their men, that effort should shift for the good of the relationship. Options like choosing his benefits package instead of your own plan (if that's a sound decision), having him make major financial decisions (like what and where to save and invest) and having him in charge of day to day finance in a way that isn't overly burdensome or too nurturing and therefore something in the feminine wheelhouse (like having autodraft payments in his name, him being listed as the primary on the joint bank account, him having the key debit/credit cards and checkbook). Consulting him for all major purchases, and deferring him to shop for bulk food/home supplies, relying on him to execute things like home repairs and rennovations, that kind of stuff. In complaining about how limited men are when it comes to the security instinct, women like the author show how limited they are when it comes to solving problems and making independent decisions for their own and their partner's benefit. I don't necessarily think this is the writer's fault, I do think it's her fault for not fully questioning current cultural pressures and agendas.

Mr. Mom all you want, but the instinct is for men to protect and provide, and for women to sustain and nurture. Some people have other stronger, individualized instincts and preferences and abilities, there are exceptions to this in different dynamics/cultures, but the data she references alludes to this.

A friend of mine earns a lot, and has actually enrolled herself in dating sites that require earning disclosure to avoid such problems. She doesn't want to provide for another dead beat asswagon, but it'll also work to ensure that even though she can provide for herself, her future man will be more of a provider. I think it's smart.

I am ashamed of the fact that I am being dishonest with the one person in the world, who I should be able to say anything to.

You can say anything to him, you're just being a pussy and veiling that weakness in fake conscientousness for his "sensitive male ego."

And, more than this, I am ashamed of the fact that we still don't live in a world where you can be a successful young woman and not feel like this.

Yes, please blame your mistakes and emotions on the world rather than yourself. Be the change, sweaty. :*

[–]littleeggwyfEarly 30s, Married, 10 years total[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I really agree with what you say about her missing the point and instincts. She's treating him badly and he will feel emasculated by her probably. It's a really good point that he could lead in other ways and fulfil his instincts but instead she just lies to him.

[–]WonderfulandValuable3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I do have a stash of money my DH has no access to at all, but I know that he has one as well. (Red Pill anyone?) I remember my mothers word: Keep your CV shiny, earn as much as you can and never lay all your cards on the table. Otherwise do not bother coming to us when your DH cheats.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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