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[–]Rivkariver5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Important lesson. Your feelings are yours, don't blame them on the nearest person.

[–]BlaueBlumeFreiheit3 points4 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

“You never listen!”

It is perfectly alright to expect a spouse to actually listen to his wife. It is a sign of appreciation, common courtesy and respect.

[–]Camille11325[S] 4 points5 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

Did you even read the post? It's about ways we make him feel blamed and try to punish him as a way to make ourselves feel better in the moment, instead of addressing the real issue. Yelling and making exaggerations that place all of the responsibility on your man and none on you isn't the way to approach basically any situation. Even if your man has a problem listening to you, screaming at him or doing any of the other things listed in the post won't help the situation. Plenty of mainstream relationship advice resources also caution people away from using "you" statements; they make the other person feel attacked, judged, etc. Certainly not the feelings we want to evoke!

[–]BlaueBlumeFreiheit0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy Link

I think that the tone is crucial, the "never" is too strong usually but saying: Please be mindful and listen to me! is not. As is "You are not listening to me - please address this issue you have.

[–]Camille11325[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

The point is to be mindful of our words, tone, body language, etc. to avoid making him feel blamed because that will more often than not lead to the situation getting worse. The post is not saying to hold in all of your thoughts and feelings forever. We have full control of what we say, how we say it, and when we say it. And while most women in the heat of the moment choose to act in ways that make them feel powerful/good at the expense of their man, it is totally possible for us to remain respectful and loving even in difficult conversations.

I don't think it's useful to fixate on this line from the post. But looking at your comment, I can think of many conversations where both of your statements are inappropriate. The second one would come across as extremely rude to most men. It sounds like a teacher berating a student, or a boss talking to a low level employee. Can you see the difference between what you just wrote and something like "Lately I've been feeling unheard" or "I'm hurt because _______" or even "I feel like I've been repeating myself a lot and I don't want to nag. How would you like me to remind you about X next time?"

There are so many non confrontational, or at least less aggressive ways of approaching this specific issue.

[–]BlaueBlumeFreiheit0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

There have been times when he treated me like dirt cause I let him do that. My Self Esteem was just not high enough. Things like this:

"Lately I've been feeling unheard" or "I'm hurt because _______" or even "I feel like I've been repeating myself a lot and I don't want to nag. How would you like me to remind you about X next time?"

Were like water on a ducks bag. I thought about ending things, but figured that I owed him one last chance and became more clearly in voicing my opinion. Well, it worked, he set to the task and learned how to listen. We are now closer and happier then ever before.

[–]Camille11325[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It sounds like you're taking this post really personally when it was meant to explore a general idea. You can be direct without being disrespectful or making him feel blamed. Your word choice in the other comment still seemed accusatory and it is not an approach we'd recommend women take. If it worked for you cool but there's more than one way to skin a cat, as the saying goes. We prefer methods that get the job done with as little friction as possible.

To have a real, effective impact on a man it is essential to know how he thinks. And most men think as described in the article - they don't want to feel blamed! I encourage you to try out a new tactic next time there's an issue, and see if there's an improvement in how the conversation goes.

[–]BlaueBlumeFreiheit0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, I am surprised just how much it affected me - but the last months have been hard for me. My SO did not realize just how much he has hurt me with his callous behaviour. I was ready to call it quits, but my MIL encouraged me to try one last time with a bit more "Pfeffer/Pepper"

[–]Hyenastaystill 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

"You are not listening to me - please address this issue you have." Sounds like a good way to get slapped if ever there was one.

[–]BlaueBlumeFreiheit1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If my SO slapped me I would be out faster then a rocket! Some I men are just unable to truly listen wich is an art that can be learned if it is not there from the beginning. That is one criteria any woman should vet for.

[–]Camille11325[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lol exactly!

[–]vintagegirlgame0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

My SO ends the conversation flat out if I use absolutes like "never" or "always" to complain about his behavior. I've leaned to catch myself in these instances and replace "you never..." with "sometimes/often I feel like you don't..."

[–]BlaueBlumeFreiheit0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well he would have no leg to stand on there. He is extremely black and white in his thinking.

[–]vintagegirlgame0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't think it's extreme, he just doesn't tolerate me making stupid black/white statements. If I whine "you never take me out" he brings my attention to the fact that that's an ungrateful and incorrect statement. Of course he takes me out. What I should say is "I love when you take me out" (even if I wish it was more frequent). This expression of gratitude is more likely to encourage him to actually take me out more.

[–]jack_hammarred25 LTR 4yrs1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I love this!

I always go back to my experiences training horses. When working a horse, it’s crucial to set them up for success for every step. I want the horse to turn right, so I essentially do everything to show them that turning right is the correct answer, and freedom from cuing and working lies through that door. I “close all the other doors” and leave the turn right “door” open. A few times, I erred and closed too many doors, leaving no correct doors for the horse to go through, making them feel like there was no right answer, and the horse would blow up (buck and rear, bolt, give up, or any other option) because there was no clear path to success to end the work, so the 1500 pound animal would end the work on their terms, landing both of us in an unsafe situation. When it is our time to influence our men, we need to leave doors open.

I think women often shut men down when they simply do something a different way... which is awful. Who cares if he didn’t load the dishwasher the way you like? Are you seeing the world through such a tiny paper towel tube perspective that the dish organization is seriously worth blaming your husband?

[–]tradmarriageftwEarly 30s, Married, 7 years0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hey Camille! I haven't been here for a while, but have been feeling the holiday stress and knew I needed to come back and 'read up' again to realign my values. This was perfect. It feels good in the moment, but then you feel horrible. And you know even as your doing it, that you shouldn't. Thank you.

[–]Camille11325[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're welcome <3 We all need reminders from time to time, glad this post was helpful!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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