TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

17

My husband is deeply miserable, and I've run out of strategies to help/deal with our situation. (self.RedPillWives)

submitted by sweetbreading

Hello RPwives, I'm using a throwaway because my husband knows my account, and I don't want him to see this and feel worse.

How old are you and how familiar are you with RPW? I'm 26. I've been looking into RP theory for the last year or so, and found that viewing my relationship in these terms has really helped me overcome obstacles and be a better wife.

How long have you been together? Six years together, married for three.

Is your relationship long-distance? No, but it was for our second year together.

Do you have an active bedroom life? Yes.

What is the problem? (Don’t badmouth your SO!) My husband is beyond miserable right now, I mean he is deeply sad, and it is starting to pull me right down with him.

The company he was working for went under, and he was left without a job. My husband is a smart, hirable man so even though it's been four weeks since he found out he was going to be out of work, he's had three interviews.

He says that he's regretting what he's chosen to do with his life and he feels like he'll never have a job he wants. He says he can't take any more of being unemployed. And he's also having nightmares.

At this point, I'm just trying to remain optimistic so I can keep my nose to the grindstone and keep us floating financially. But I feel like I'm going to burst apart. And I feel like I'm failing him as his support.

I forgot to add one of the most painful things: He's like, lethargic and doesn't want to return niceties like "I love you."

How have you contributed to the problem?

I honestly don't know. Perhaps I was babying him with my first strategy, which you'll read about below. But I've stopped that.

How long has this been an issue? Three weeks.

What have you done to resolve this problem?

I tried talking to him about how he's feeling, but that seemed to upset him, so I stopped.

I tried to just say supportive things when he brings up how sad he is, and he shuts them right down. I said, "things are going well, you've had three interviews," and he said, "no." Just no.

I tried to give up making him feel better and just let him sulk, and now he approaches me and goes out of his way to, as I view it, be upset at me. He's demanding I make decisions in this odd way. For example, moments ago he walked into the living room, looked at me, and said "when do you want me to make dinner?" But he won't accept "whenever you feel like it," as an answer, and also seems to get upset if I give him an answer... I don't know what he wants. There's one of these odd demands every day now.

I would appreciate any wisdom you ladies have to offer. Thank you!

EDIT: Thank you all so much for this great advice. I'm going through now to address each of you.


[–]StingrayVC23 points24 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

Ok, so, your husband basically feels like a complete and utter failure right now. He feels like he is letting you down, like he's letting his family down and like he's let himself down. Please trust me when I tell you that you cannot know what he feels and how deeply he feels it. I don't tell you this to make you feel bad but to try to help you understand how horribly this affects him.

First, read this.

Next, you need to know that you are not responsible for his mood. But, of course, your actions might help him our make him spiral. And that's why I think you're here.

There are times in any marriage where we must become the Rock. Where we lead. But we aren't going to do this like a man does. We do this by having utter and complete faith in our husbands. We know beyond a shadow that he is going to get through this and he will be the Rock he once was, again. He needs to know that you know this in the very fiber of your soul. You tell him this as necessary, but more importantly, you show him. You stay happy, confident, loving, sexual and all the rest.

Don't tell him he's doing well. Tell him he is getting it done. That even though he's in a bad place right now, he is still providing for his family. That everything he is doing is right. That the job alone is not how he provides, but the job hunt, the interviews, the resumes, all of it, is providing. His feelings on this don't matter, what he does matters (Be careful with this, you may want to say it, you may not. It depends on the man). Things "going well" is not good enough. He needs to know he is getting it done.

I don't know what he wants.

He wants to be in control of things again. Things in his own domain. He does not have that and you cannot give it to him. He's not going out of his way to make you upset with weird demands. He's spiraling. Look, I know it hurts, but let these wash off of you like water off a ducks back. Don't become upset with him and don't let him suck you down. You must be the strong one right now and if he needs to make these weird demands of you and you can't win, just let it be. It will be hard, but this is something you can do for him. And when he realizes what he is doing, do NOT hold this against him. Again, what he is going through is nearly incomprehensible. I would probably liken it to the helplessness of having a sick child and not being able to do anything to help them. I'm not actually sure if this is close to it or not, but it's all I can come up with.

My very best of luck to you with this. It won't be easy, but you must absolutely be strong right now. You must be the feminine rock for him. He needs that confidence from you that he can get this done. And when it does get done, make sure you hand back the reigns immediately and happily.

[–]GratefulWifeandMamamarried 9 years7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Man I wish I had read this advice 8 years ago. Or at puberty, whichever. Sometimes its still striking to me that this RP stuff WORKS and is true and so healthy/beneficial to identify. Stingray I wish you were my mom! And I'm 30!

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm also 30 and would love a stingray mum!

[–]StingrayVC1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

And thank you, too! Can I just say that I love mum. It's somehow so fitting for kids. Like Mamma here.

[–]StingrayVC1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wow. Thank you.

[–]jack_hammarred25 LTR 4yrs2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Stingray said all of it fabulously but I want to add.

There is a masculine sphere, and a feminine sphere. Each relationship is a bit different, but from your reading of this sub you understand the areas where a woman is better designed to lead. Where you were already leading these areas... homemaking, emotional maintenance, maintenance sex, etc. you’ll need to lead even more decidedly and thoroughly while making it look easy. If he notices your effort more than your results here, it’ll only draw attention to how his “failure” is putting “pressure” on you. That cannot happen if the situation is to improve. This is on top of your own career, physical health, and beauty. It’s a lot! But you have an opportunity to be there for the man you love in a way no one else can, in a way that is vital, in a way you were literally made for. I’m not saying to take joy in this, nor am I pretending it isn’t super hard, but find peace in the rightness of your challenge. Because it’s going to be hard... as you have seen already.

There is a common thread in his odd demands. Consider it... write down the list for yourself and analyze what the demands had in common. Is it a time of day, or a kind of day that makes him want certain things? Is this a preference he has that you haven’t understood and upheld? Is it related to rationing of food or resources he is worried about not providing? Is it related to a ritual he esteems as the keystone of the semblance of a healthy marriage and home? Is it that he saw you as disconnected and he wanted to feel like you are in this battle alongside him? Is it on a day he applied for jobs, couldn’t find new ones to apply for, found out he isn’t getting an interview? You can probably crack the code. Then during his trigger times, you can wield more influence and hopefully soothe him in doing so. Have dinner going at a regular time everyday to make up for the total lack of structure in his days (going from 8-5 daily work to endless weekends is a huge foundation shaking adjustment), have relaxation planned, be out of his way. Remember how weird it felt not to be in college anymore? To be done with the structure of school, learning, and advisors/profs/coaches leading you to be the best? Be structure for him in your way. He feels like he is reevaluating and rebuilding an integral part of his life, so he doesn’t need the added pressure of leading in your sphere. “What do you want for dinner, husband?” becomes MORE work for him, for example. He feels like stewing, so seeing you at rest and not striving could cause dissonance. He feels like he is doing a lot of work to stay mentally afloat, so now more than ever don’t become lax with the things you manage. If seeing you studious makes him feel less alone, that is worth it. If you need to better use your windshield time to/from work to decompress by calling friends or something, do it. If there are things he excels at... sex, teaching you something, giving advice, try creating opportunities for him to experience that success with you or for himself. Make a point of doing something for him regularly... oral, back rubs, washing his car. He may feel unworthy of you right now, but doing the service and saying emphatically, “It fulfills me to do this for you. Thank you for letting me give you this,” will possibly show him more than words that he is still worthy... just by being.

Now asking these questions of him may or may not be helpful. If he feels ashamed like he cannot let you in and be vulnerable about his fears, if he is never that kind of person, I wouldn’t ask. If transparency is a part of you guys, this conversation may be good.

The compliments must change, or stop. He is only a human person. Compliment him with actions and behavior, which he can more readily accept than words that, to his abraded sense of self, sound like platitudes.

Agreed that you might not say that his actions matter more than his impact. “I know success and effort both matter. But some things aren’t within our control. Are you doing your smartest? Your best? Your most honest? Since you’re only human, that’s what counts. That’s what I care about. I love you too much to ask for less than that, and too much to allow either of us to demand more than that.”

You are not alone in this, OP. So many women here or who were here have been through this, and more will in the future. Success in this is about being still, watchful, and deliberate when you find where you can act and lead.

[–]StingrayVC1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Amen, sister. Well said.

[–]sweetbreading[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If he notices your effort more than your results here, it’ll only draw attention to how his “failure” is putting “pressure” on you.

I'm so so glad you said this. Because, you see, my husband has been asking those weird demand questions about meals, something I used to do much more of. Now, he volunteered to do more meals because I'm trying to work more, but I see how he may translate this as pressure. And pressure is certainly NOT what he needs to feel from me right now. Thank you SO much.

[–]sweetbreading[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I read over the article you suggested last night, and I have to say it really resonated with me. I spent some time examining how I was not being the feminine rock he needed.

Yesterday my husband spent some time with his mother, who actually told him about a friend she had who just lost his job, then his wife, then killed himself. This morning my husband was feeling suicidal. Obviously that man's fate had a big impact on him, and I truly needed to hear this advice more than ever. So thank you, SO much.

Look, I know it hurts, but let these wash off of you like water off a ducks back.

Yep, exactly. I have to do this.

the helplessness of having a sick child and not being able to do anything to help them.

That's exactly a perfect analogy. In fact, while we don't yet have children, our dog was injured only a week ago, by another dog, and I remember just how helpless I felt trying to physically protect him when I couldn't (husband wasn't around to intervene). It was so distressing, and I imagine this is how he feels but about the whole family.

We know beyond a shadow that he is going to get through this and he will be the Rock he once was, again.

I gotcha.

You stay happy, confident, loving, sexual and all the rest.

I'm going to reaffirm my efforts in each of these areas. Thank you so SO much.

[–]StingrayVC1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're welcome. Best of luck to the both of you. This, too, shall pass.

[–]JustScrollOnward0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is amazing advice. We just went through this over the summer. Wish I’d come here for support!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm sorry OP, this is a terrible situation to be in. I think everyone gave really great advice and I'm not sure how much anything I say will add to that, but I do want to share an anecdote I heard a few days ago.

Someone was talking about how the loss of employment really put her husband in a bad place. He wasn't really looking for a job for a while and was just kinda around the house working on his hobbies. I guess he didn't end up finding one until right after his unemployment benefits ran out and then he got it done. Her point was that he needed that time to collect himself, to feel capable and confident again doing things he loved before he was in a place that he could put himself back out there again. She said it was really hard for her and very stressful, but she concluded that the best thing she could do was step back, give him time, without pestering or pushing him to job hunt, to emotionally recover from this. She kept handling her own job/responsibilities like usual.

I'm not sure how close your husband's own mental state resembles that of the man in the anecdote, and I know you mentioned he seems to want something from you but you aren't sure what that is exactly, but as much as you can try to give him time. I like the suggestion to keep going along as you normally would. Does he have any hobbies that he garners a lot of satisfaction from? Maybe you can suggest he do some of that.

Sorry OP, I don't have much else to add. Stay on top of your own responsibilities, give him a little time to stew, lead him in the feminine ways that others have suggested. You guys will get through this.

[–]AutoModerator[M] -2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your above submission to /r/RedPillWives has been removed, because you have a new account with little karma. Please message moderators (bottom of the sidebar above "moderators" box) to be approved, or lurk and contribute more in discussion before posting a new submission.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2024. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter