Waiting for Engagement before having sex. Unrealistic?

Red-Curious · 2017-08-16T23:22:39+00:00

This would be a question worth asking on r/RPChristians. You'll probably be told a few times, "don't have sex before marriage" (and I agree), but if you can move past that you'll get a decent impression of how many guys might be out there who would be willing to wait, as the Christian world is where you're going to find most of them.

Outside of Christianity, it's going to be highly unlikely - and as /u/Irisandoleander said, if you expect him to be a virgin already too, your dating pool is almost exclusively Christian guys - and beta ones at that. Fortunately, with the right resources Christian men are more likely to be able to grow into their inner-alpha because despite feminization within the church, the Bible still ingrains the basic concept.

I don't mind. I usually just assume most men I meet have had previous partners

I wouldn't cave on this too quickly. If waiting is important to you, you'll do better by a man who finds it important to him as well - independently of you. If he's waiting because of you, that's setting a bad precedent that you're the one who will have to draw all the boundaries in the relationship. So, per RP, you'll likely lose your respect and attraction to him quickly. If, however, he values waiting independent of you, the he's operating within his own frame and you will respect him more for being a noble guy. Sure, the pool of men will be smaller, but still not impossible to find.

g_e_m_anscombe · 2017-08-17T01:11:07+00:00

It's highly unlikely that you will have "irreconcilable differences sexually." Even if you have sexual struggles that you want to work on, do you really want to figure that out with someone who may leave because of them? It's more comfortable to work those problems out after you're married than it is to know the other person is still evaluating whether they want to spend their life with you.

I say this from personal experience - I had/have a mild case of vaginismus that sometimes makes sex more painful. It's definitely a mental thing and not a physical thing. But it would make it mentally much more difficult to work past it if I was worried that he would leave me if the sex was worse than normal. Being married means that I know he's committed to me regardless, even if we have a bad night or two. I think that's what God intended in marriage: for two people to have the security to work out problems because they know this is a lifelong commitment to love one another through better and worse, sickness and health.

It's not THAT hard to find a Christian man who will wait for marriage, if you know where to look. I think it's harder to find a Christian man who is happy to wait for engagement but will not want to wait for marriage.

BlueState_RedHeart · 2017-08-16T22:15:59+00:00

If you limit your search to Christian groups -- like college Christian groups, for example -- you will find what you're looking for. Most men there are looking for a wife, and are willing to wait (and probably are waiting themselves!). Whether my husband and I waited is complicated -- we kind of did, but not really -- but I am confident he would not have left me even if I demanded no sex until marriage.

However, don't blurt something like that out until you've been dating a month or so. I think I would have scared away guys if I did! Because then you immediately put the relationship in a spotlight of "this needs to be serious/no sex for you". Likewise, I'd be weirded out if a guy told me that on a first date!

lucidangevin · 2017-08-16T20:17:28+00:00

It's probably not completely unrealistic to find a man who appreciates you are still a virgin - but do you want him to also be a virgin? Because that will certainly limit your dating pool.

[deleted] · 2017-08-17T04:54:36+00:00

I agree with the other users who have said to look in Christian/traditional circles. That's your best bet for sure.

I think it will also depend on how soon you're hoping to marry. You'll have much more luck waiting if you're wanting to marry in the next couple of years. If you wait until you're 28 and are still a virgin holding out on sex, stuff's going to get a lot harder for you.

teaandtalk · 2017-08-17T02:32:51+00:00

Are you planning on marrying a traditional Christian man? If so, then it's feasible. Otherwise, nope.

PyjamaTime · 2017-08-16T23:17:31+00:00

Waiting for engagement is bullshit. You either do it now or wait til marriage. It's just sex. If you do it now and he leaves you, you learn that you were lucky that you didn't marry a user.

SigmaAlphaMark · 2017-08-19T01:23:52+00:00

May I ask where you live? You don't have to give an exact location, I am more curious if you live somewhere that has a strong Christ-led community, such as a small town, or a southern state in USA, or are you a lone Christian in a multicultural urban setting? I think that would be a huge factor in the acceptance of abstinence before marriage/engagement!