"Getting Married Is Not An Accomplishment" - Let's Discuss!

littlegoosegirl · 2017-07-14T18:25:03+00:00

This entire article is full of insanity, but perhaps the most telling line is this one:

I am so grateful for the excitement surrounding my upcoming marriage, however, I often wonder why the event of getting married is put on a higher pedestal than the true successes that come along with an education and career.

"True" successes - what a fascinating phrase. Why is it that getting married isn't allowed in the realm of "true" success? Isn't this an incredibly subjective topic anyway? What about all those women who don't know how to read, couldn't afford college, have chosen not to have a career, or can't. Are they now incapable of "true" success? Who defines a woman's success - the author? Does she speak for all women? Isn't that... oppressive?

I have regularly told people that meeting and marrying my husband is my single greatest achievement in life. It's remarkable how weird they get about that. "Oh, but you graduated from XYZ University!" "Oh, but your singing!" "Oh, what about your job?"

Those things are great - they just aren't first place. Putting your man in first place on your list of achievements makes people so uncomfortable. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that it's also quite unattainable for many women. Most anyone can get a job, or complete college. There is a formulaic approach to those things that require very little self-examination or potential change. And in the same manner, you can marry anyone you want. BUT, to be able to honestly put your marriage in first place on your list of achievements? That's not very fair to all the other women who are too mean, too ugly, too whatever, to accomplish that same thing.

Thus, "true" success means "attainable" success in this case. It's not an achievement because it appears too "random", or even too unbelievable, to a woman who has no idea how to go about marrying a man who would put even the most glorious education or top-tier job to shame. In her eyes it just doesn't happen. Or, if it does, it's so unlikely to happen to her that she can't stand someone else having what she never can.

Joke's on you, HuffPost. It's possible, and it's the best.

Camille11325 · 2017-07-14T18:44:06+00:00

Women are entrepreneurs, lawyers, teachers, CEOs, inventors, designers, researchers, writers, consultants and so much more. Women are going to college and then getting their masters and doctorate degrees. Women are endlessly working to climb up the corporate ladder. Women are key figures in our government. Women are changing the world with their innovation.

Good for them - that's something some women want. And you can still celebrate that. But not all women WANT that. Some women want a different kind of challenge - not all people are cut out for college, or specific degrees/career paths. There are lots of types of people in society. Why can't we celebrate marriage and ALSO celebrate those who want to be CEOs and such?

The author is essentially saying - My priority is ABC, and if your priority is not ABC you are wrong. Different people can have different priorities - that's totally allowed Natalie Brooke.

Camille11325 · 2017-07-14T18:27:38+00:00

It's not surprising that something like this would get published today, but it's still concerning and I thought we could talk about it!

So obviously she has a terrible understanding of history and women's roles in the West in the past. But she is right that people have consistently regarded marriage as one of the crowning achievements of a woman's life, and today women are struggling with meshing this with feminism.

It's telling that to the author and women like her, official and public commitment from the best person in the entire world (to you) doesn't rank considerably higher than a degree or promotion. I think there are a few reasons as to why:

The men proposing aren't high value. We've discussed time and again how weak and non masculine many men under 35 are today. So it's not surprising that women wouldn't view their husbands as the best person in the entire world, and be in love to the point of obsession. Especially if they've engaged in AFBB and are now settling down with a man they subconsciously view as inferior. Most women are happier in the supporting role, a man doesn't have to be high DT but plenty of guys today aren't even Greater Betas and they don't know how to lead effectively in a relationship.
It doesn't feel like an achievement because they haven't worked as hard to earn the status of marriage. She confirms this herself in the post but doesn't see an issue with it. Women are encouraged to work harder to make a company richer, but discouraged from working hard to meet the right man and create a meaningful and satisfying life for both parties. She states that no skills, brain power, etc are needed to get married but that is just NOT true if you are trying to get a man of higher RMV, and it's not true if you are using all of your resources like homemaking skills, psychological femininity, sexuality, etc.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!

gabilromariz · 2017-07-14T20:38:54+00:00

Getting married, in an of itself, is no acomplishment, any idiot can get married.

It is quite difficult and quite the acomplishment however to:

find a good worthy man to share your life with
get said man to marry you
work on staying married and happy

And that difference in "groom quality" is hard to grasp for these people as they see a husband as a sort of fashion accessory to play "keep up with Linda/Stacy/etc". They see him as an inferior being, and in that sense, yes, getting a shmuck to marry you doesn't take much effort or skill

BlueState_RedHeart · 2017-07-14T19:43:44+00:00

I'm going to play devil's advocate for a second. Suppose this non-binary gender thing gets out of control, and 50 years from now we're all nongendered individuals who go by some ridiculous pronouns like xee/xer. (Shudder.) Guess what? It's going to be an accomplishment for even a xeemale to marry. Who wants to put up with someone else leaving dirty dishes in the sink, singing badly in the shower, and getting cranky for a lifetime? Marriage in of itself is an accomplishment, even if you strip gender of the matter entirely.

THEN, let's consider that many men -- even beta males and generally poor quality men -- don't want to get married. Period. And why would they, with all the free sex? Why not just live with a girlfriend, have sex with her, not be financially responsible for her at all, and be able to leave at any time? Marriage, even to a terrible guy, is an accomplishment.

THEN, let's consider that good-quality men are (1) hard to find, and (2) hard to marry. Good-quality men are scant, rare -- they're Charizards. So to even befriend one is an undertaking in of itself. Then, even if you start dating a Charizard, each one has a dozen Butterfree floosies hitting on them too, so you need to be better and beat everyone else out. Marriage, to a good-quality guy, is near impossible.

And, by the way, the following quote from the article is the biggest lie I've ever seen:

You don’t have to have a brain, drive or special skill set to get married. You just have to have a willing partner.

That's like saying "You don't have to work hard to graduate with honors; you just need the professors to give you As." You only get a willing partner if you work at your appearance, personality, fashion sense, communication skills, initiative, and lots of other things. And that's a hell of a lot more work than just getting into a college by reading some books.

Camille11325 · 2017-07-15T21:52:11+00:00

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unsweetenedlemon · 2017-07-15T02:25:51+00:00

I recently read a similar article written by a bitter woman crying over pregnancy celebrations when "my collleeeggggeee deegreee is more important than children". Okay, lady.

melindamaga · 2017-07-15T04:02:51+00:00

Jeez what is so horrible about being more excited about love and starting a family than boring "academic and professional pursuits?" Those things are never going to love you and you won't care a fig about them when you get close to the grave. All they really do is enrich some other person that doesn't care about you.

StingrayVC · 2017-07-14T21:19:03+00:00

This strikes me as an article designed to destroy the status that women naturally achieve through marriage and the higher status a woman achieves by marrying well. Otherwise know as marrying a good man.

It's also another way of saying I don't need no man. It's denying hypergamy or rather by diminishing marriage, it's saying that by having my fun in my youth and then settling to marry the man I'm with now, but would not have married when I was young is great and that women who did do this, who married their young sweetheart and forgoing all those things that she holds in a higher standard are the real fools. wink, wink.

laurenkk · 2017-07-14T20:52:24+00:00

You've all already made a ton of great points.

My first thought was: professional/educational stuff is more important than having a caring partner that makes you happy and supports all those other goals?

All I truly want in life is to be happy and emotionally fulfilled. I never found either of those in the workplace, so I guess I'm done achieving anything in this life.

I guess I'm officially a crotchety old lady; kids these days!

[deleted] · 2017-07-17T01:08:06+00:00

I'm a few days late to this so most of what I would have said has already been said, but I'd like to add one thing:

You don’t have to have a brain, drive or special skill set to get married. You just have to have a willing partner. However, getting into X school, graduating with Y degree, and landing Z job does require actual hard work.

You do have to have a brain, drive, and what are considered special skills in today's society to get married. Not one worthwhile man is going to marry a vapid club-rat whose idea of cooking is tossing a bag of Totino's pizza rolls on a cookie sheet and making sure it makes it out of the oven on time. In addition to that, no worthwhile man is going to want a woman for his wife if she can't keep up in conversation as well as the other aspects of life. A college education does not an intelligent woman make - anymore, it frequently results in a trove of worthless information backed up by a hefty debt.

Additionally, a career and an education will not keep you company or care for you in old age. A stack of peer-reviewed studies cannot help you up the steps when you're 95, nor can the framed diplomas on your wall help find a reputable care facility if you are unfortunately afflicted with dementia or Alzheimer's.

Priorities, people. There's nothing wrong with pursuing a career and foregoing what's traditional if that's what you really want. But realize what you're consigning yourself to decades down the line.

LadySwitters · 2017-07-18T19:57:21+00:00

Occasional lurker, first time poster. I'm 35, married for a couple of years, and so frustrated at this brand of feminism. Why is it one or the other? Look, I'm no slouch by this lady's standards. I went to a top law school, I'm a successful litigator, in a job that nets me well into 6 figures per year, at a job I even happen to like quite a bit. That being said, the happiest day of my life was the day I married my husband. I get satisfaction from my job, and money, which is also nice. I get joy from my marriage. If I lost my job tomorrow, I would get another job. If I lost my husband, I would be devastated.

My father raised me to be feminist in the old fashioned sense, since I'm pretty sure he has no concept of the modern/American definition of it (we're first generation immigrants). He raised me with the understanding that I could be and do anything. He did not cry at my graduation, or when I got a raise. He cried on the day I got married. This is simply because there's your real life, the life of family and friends, and love, and while it coexists with professional success, and hey, professional success can make those other things easier by far, professional success is not a stand in for love and family.

ThatStepfordGal · 2017-07-15T04:31:24+00:00

I keep trying to read it, but all I can make out is

"Whine whine whine, my man sucks and I'll sh*t on our wedding joy.."

Well, I already had my whole rant about this here.

Camille11325 · 2017-07-14T23:49:11+00:00

No need to cheapen what doesn't suite you in order to validate what does. Do your thing, who the hell cares.

OP should have used the word prize rather than accomplishment. That would have at least been honest.

Camille11325 · 2017-07-15T17:53:56+00:00

How is meeting your lifetime partner and celebrating it not a huge life accomplishment? Also, the bitter tone of that article is telling. Your degree and job isn't going to hold your hand when you're 80...