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We see lots of advice threads and many of them are about unpleasant traits/characteristics "discovered" by women who are married or by women who are contemplating LTR/Marriage with their partner. Our advice generally follows that married women honor their commitments and that women who are vetting consider the long haul and choose what they can and cannot live with.

I'm curious how many women actually have a list of deal breakers and how many women just discover what they can't accept or tolerate by bumping into it in their relationship. Are you looking mindfully or are you swept up in lust and attention and don't care?

  • What are your deal breakers?
  • What do you do when you didn't know you had a particular "no way!" and now it's in your face?
  • Did you ever have a deal breaker happen and then discover it wasn't one at all?
  • Where do your deal breaking rules come from? Peers/family relationship history, social media/movies/TV, past relationship experiences?

Also, feel free to expand on my questions with some of your own :) Join us in chat to discuss in real time!


[–]littlegoosegirlMid 20s, Married 1 year! 9 years total 8 points9 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Happily I've never encountered a true "deal breaker" in my own relationship. There have been points of strain, but generally I usually concede or we reach a satisfactory compromise. The list of things I 100% cannot bend on is relatively short:

  • Must be comfortable leading and making most of the decisions

  • Must be reasonably physically fit (attractive weight, reasonable activity endurance)

  • No smoking or hard drugs

  • Must be interested in marriage and children, with an emphasis on me in the home

  • Must at least respect religious faith, if not holding any himself

  • Must be as smart as or smarter than me (overall, individual subjects less important than overall impression)

  • An enjoyment for or at least tolerance of certain aspects of "nerd culture" and the wider fantasy genre (I write in this genre and glean much enjoyment from activities of this nature, couldn't handle someone who thought less of me for this)

Weirdly, one or two brief flings/affairs on my husband's part wouldn't really faze me much. I've told him if he wants to do this, don't tell me and make it a one-off thing. Him having a sustained mistress who he developed feelings for or funneled money to... now that would be a different story. I would likely break mentally over something like that.

Edit: a word, to make me look less like a dimwit :p

[–]teaandtalk33, married 11 years 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Only because you're a writer & I think you'd like to be told, you probably want 'faze' not 'phase'. If unwelcome or a typo, please disregard :)

[–]littlegoosegirlMid 20s, Married 1 year! 9 years total 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ah no! Thank you, as a writer I am ashamed XD

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Your last paragraph reminded me of the great discussion we had here.

https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/5hfw3x/how_do_you_define_cheating/

[–]littlegoosegirlMid 20s, Married 1 year! 9 years total 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Oooh thank you for this! Such good points all 'round. I've actually told my husband "I'd be the first of many, as long as I'm first." He always looks at me with a troubled/bemused face - the idea of contradicting his own oaths of fidelity disturbs him on a core level. Honestly I don't even think his fidelity stems as much from his love of me as from his personal pride in the integrity of his own honor lol (but obviously he does love me a lot).

[–]conotocaurius 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Honestly I don't even think his fidelity stems as much from his love of me as from his personal pride in the integrity of his own honor lol (but obviously he does love me a lot).

I think this is a really good thing! Having principles based on feelings isn't ideal because those can change, you know? People fight and relationships have rocky periods. It's not out of the realm of possibility that a couple will fall out of love for a bit.

Given all of that, it's much better for a person's principles to be something like "I do not cheat because that is not who I am" than something like "I do not cheat because I love my partner."

[–]littlegoosegirlMid 20s, Married 1 year! 9 years total 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Definitely agree there!

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Deal breakers when I was dating would have been

  • kids from another woman

  • lack of ambition, curiosity, self knowledge (!)

  • lying not embellishing stories or exaggerating for effect

  • no social circle -- huge red flag for me when no one will vouch for a person

  • does not want a family

  • is emotionally withdrawn

  • is bigoted

I encountered the lying in a past relationship. I was lied to about having had a college degree. I forgave him for that and was able to move on, really. We broke up for completely different reasons but looking back I could have prevented a lot of headache because things started going downhill from then on. He wasn't who he wanted to be and the lack of self knowledge evident in such a big lie came up in a lot of other ways.

These rules come from all of the above. Even if I didn't think I was learning, I am sure my experiences inform my choices.

I have more deal breakers now than ever before. There are things I never knew to want that I find in my current SO!

Edit: added last deal breaker, probably the most important to me

[–]littlegoosegirlMid 20s, Married 1 year! 9 years total 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

lack of ambition, curiosity, self knowledge

Fascinating that you mention curiosity! My husband is quite ambitious but very selectively curious. I'm always asking "why?' and "how?" but if it's not relevant to the immediate situation my husband feels very "meh" about it all. It's always baffled me and we have had minor clashes because I'm always like "don't you want to know why XYZ is the way it is?" and he just shrugs like "nah."

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I said curiosity because it seems like my SO always wants to know 'why' while I may or may not care. It means he always has something to teach me and will go very deep into any topic. His industry also requires continuing education so ambition and curiosity goes hand in hand for him.

Its nice that the same curiosity translates to our relationship, like he's always asking me why I made one choice over something else. It just keeps us talking more than anything else. I also love his attention to details in me. He wants to know everything all the time :D By the sounds of it, I may be more like your husband but I sure appreciate him being the way he is.

[–]littlegoosegirlMid 20s, Married 1 year! 9 years total 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You do sound a bit like him haha!

My husband is great, we bring out a lot of good in one another. He has a good imagination but isn't particularly creative instinctively, which makes him an excellent story-telling audience haha.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

takes a deep breath and prepares to be downvoted

Here goes, though, with deal breakers:

  • The obvious ones: no infidelity, no substance abuse, no previous marriages or children, never been in prison, no physical abuse, wants children, etc.

  • Mental illness. I dated two guys in high school who were mentally ill, and it was terrifying. However, both used their illnesses in a manipulative way (i.e. suicide threats when I was angry) so my view might be different.

  • Different religion, race, and culture as myself. I know a lot of people make interfaith/interracial/intercultural marriages work, but I wanted someone similar to me in this regard to simplify the meshing of our families and the raising of our children.

  • Divorced parents. Like a previous poster said, I wanted to someone who had grown up with a good example of a loving relationship.

  • Dumber than me. I'm intellectual and when I have dated non-intellectuals in the past, I was really sad. I know this comes off as "I'm so smart, haha no one could understand me" but that's not what I mean. I mean when I learned something cool, and tried to share it with my boyfriend, he would be totally disinterested and dismissive, and that made me really sad.

  • Can't financially support a wife/family or demands his wife works. Being a stay-at-home mom is really important to me, especially since I want to homeschool our children, so I wouldn't be okay with a guy who wants his wife to work. Happily I am now a stay-at-home mom and my son is six weeks old!

  • Super cranky or belligerent. Anger can make for a terrible marriage. :/

  • A ton of female friends. I've learned that yes, if you guys break up he will start dating one of those "friends," despite what he tells you.

  • Vastly different political views. I couldn't date an SJW, a pro-choicer, or even someone who voted for Hillary Clinton. (yes I went there!!)

A lot of things people say are dealbreakers I'm fine with, though:

  • A lot of Christian women in particular break up with boyfriends for sex-related reasons. "He tried to persuade me into sex/said he watched porn occasionally/he told me he thought about me sexually." Uhhh... this is what guys DO. Obviously don't do anything you're uncomfortable with, but if you're looking for a guy who doesn't think about sex or never watches porn, you're in for a rude awakening.

  • "I did/said __ and he didn't do/say __!! Time to break up!!!" Nobody is a mindreader.

  • Physical appearance, especially being overweight, is pretty unimportant to me. I actually prefer guys who are a bit chubby.

[–]rpw111528married 5yrs | ENFJ | LLL | 2 kids 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

  • Smoking/illicit drug use

  • Pornography

  • Apostasy from the Catholic Faith

  • Infidelity (for me, porn falls under this, but it's unusual enough that I felt the need to clarify)

  • Abuse, neglect, etc.

Those are in rough order from least severe to most, obviously.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Are these deal breakers for your marriage? Would you divorce over any of these?

[–]rpw111528married 5yrs | ENFJ | LLL | 2 kids 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'd divorce over abuse, neglect (me or children), illict "hard" drugs, and infidelity. I'd seek temporary separation over apostasy or pornography, or smoking (not talking like, a single smoke on a night out; I'm talking daily here).

That said, as a Catholic I understand that because his vows were true on the day we married, any civil divorce is exactly that, civil. We almost certainly would not be able to get an annullment and I would not be free to remarry, as we would still be sacramentally married and thus obligated to do everything within reason to try and live a "normal" spousal life.

[–]Camille113254 points [recovered] (15 children) | Copy Link

What are your deal breakers?

I never consciously wrote down a list of deal breakers, but I did have a concrete list of requirements for a husband, which was an excellent way to filter. So not meeting the list would be a deal breaker, and if someone met the list of needs and wants, then any issues were usually just a matter of personality clashing, lifestyle differences, or infidelity.

If I were to make a hypothetical list right now, some non obvious deal breakers would be: previous homosexual experiences/relationships, tattoos, piercings, frequently visiting strip clubs or escorts, wearing makeup, not working out at all, veganism or vegetarianism, and an early riser (I'm talking waking up between 4 and 6 am). These of course are just for me personally, not saying at all that these things are objectively deal breakers.

Did you ever have a deal breaker happen and then discover it wasn't one at all?

Yes, I previously thought that a man not being a practicing Catholic would be a major problem. However I realised I was using religion as a proxy for worldview, values, character, etc. I'm very lucky to have found a man that shares my outlook, despite religious differences. His traditional stance on nearly every issue and willingness to discuss politics, religion, and philosophy with me is just wonderful. He comes from a Catholic family so it's not totally random that we line up on most things; and we often joke that he is more Catholic than the current Pope lol

Where do your deal breaking rules come from? Peers/family relationship history, social media/movies/TV, past relationship experiences?

My preferences definitely come from all of the above. Religion, things I've observed in my parent's and grandparents' relationships, the media, friend's opinions, and of course my own experiences.

Really love this topic btw :)

Edit: I don't believe in divorce so there isn't much that would be a deal breaker in my current relationship short of something truly evil like child abuse or terrorism lol I can't even really think of scenarios that would lead to separation, and I don't want to think about it either!

[–]littlegoosegirlMid 20s, Married 1 year! 9 years total 5 points6 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

veganism or vegetarianism

What an excellent way to filter out pretentious weaklings lol! I never thought of this but it's absolutely a dealbreaker for me too.

[–]Camille113256 points [recovered] (13 children) | Copy Link

Lol right?! It's also important to me because I have Celiac's so my diet is already limited, I'm not going to restrict it even more for a vegan or vegetarian. Especially since meat is so delicious! I could never respect a man who didn't enjoy steak, deer, etc. You are spot on with the "pretentious weaklings" label haha

[–]littlegoosegirlMid 20s, Married 1 year! 9 years total 8 points9 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

I'm all for humane and sustainable raising/ranching/slaughtering practices but the hyper-sympathy of vegetarianism/veganism is just so pretentious. Like why do you care if you're eating a chicken? The suffering? Some poor 9 year old is suffering in a factory in Sri Lanka to make your shirt you smug milksop. Care about that first :p

[–]Camille113255 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link

Agreed! Leftists in general do seem to elevate the well being of animals (and nature) over the lives of humans. It's so hypocritical

[–]littlegoosegirlMid 20s, Married 1 year! 9 years total 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

A general concern for environmental welfare comes under my personal umbrella of human concern, simply because we live in the environment and I do think we have a duty to keep it functioning and habitable to ourselves. But yes, putting vague concern for "the animals" or "nature" over people is silly. Just because I care about people before animals or the environment doesn't mean I don't care about the latter two at all. They just come after. The Left doesn't seem to grasp this distinction lol

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

hilarious!

[–][deleted]  (7 children) | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Leave if you don't like it. Concern troll or tone police again and you will be banned. You insecurities and personality disorders aren't anyone else's responsibility.

[–][deleted]  (4 children) | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

For exactly what I said: tone policing and concern trolling. You butted in for no reason and tried to play victim ('thanks for looking down on us')

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You don't seem to have great reading comprehension today. Use the 3 day ban to think it over.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You don't seem to have great reading comprehension today. Use the 3 day ban to think it over.

[–]laurenkkmid 30's, married 7(17 total) 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Wow. Great thread! I've been with my husband since we were in high school, but I did have some prerequisites.

No smoking - Dad smoked, it's disgusting and dangerous.

Married parents - ALL my friends were children of divorce and they had no comprehension of real loving relationships. I have a loving, functional example of parents and wanted that for a partner.

No yelling- my parents, while very loving, would yell during arguments. I've never yelled or raised my voice to my husband and he's never done so with me. We carefully ands quietly discuss until we reach compromise.

Not participating in organized religion - being spiritual is okay, but I'm just not down with the business/shame/rules of it all.

Now that we've been together 17 years and have a child, I've removed one from the list: one night stand. For my husband to be tempted would mean that there's way bigger issues going on than just him being horny when I'm not around. If it were an ongoing affair I'd have to feel it out and understand it through boat loads of couples counseling, but most likely would try to work it out for our kid(s).

[–]Rivkariver 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ouch. my parents had a bad divorce and I'm aware of having no good examples and feel insecure about it all the time. Luckily my bf is patient and helps me handle it and reassures me, and I'm self aware. There are plenty of adults who actually detach and heal from their childhood, and don't just act out subconsciously. One of the most painful things I've ever experienced is being judged for being from a broken home. Dude, that wasn't my fault.

[–]lmakemilk 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I guess I have a few deal breakers. I fell in love with my husband for the man that he is, so if he changed in a very big way and somehow became someone else that I couldnt live with, that would be one. It would have to be extreme though, such as unfaithful or abusing our children.

The last one that would be huge for me is lack of communication. When he stops communicating with me it shows lack of respect. We both find it to be extremely important for our marriage to work. If I feel like I can't go to him because he won't listen to me or respect what I have to say, that would be a big problem. If he wasnt willing to change that or even figure out why he would be that way, I wouldnt know if I could stay.

I've never been in a position with him where I've ran into any deal breakers. As far as I'm aware, he has never lied to me, at least anything super serious. I've always felt that I can trust him, which is something I haven't been able to do with past partners. He is gentle and kind and all around an amazing husband and I wouldn't change anything about him.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

It would have to be extreme though, such as unfaithful or abusing our children.

If he came home tonight and confessed to a one night stand, would you file for divorce? Also, would it matter to you whether it was a one-time deal with a stranger or an ongoing fling with someone/someone in common?

[–]teaandtalk33, married 11 years 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I could deal with a one night stand. We all make impulsive decisions. A long term thing shows a series of decisions that erode the foundation of my marriage, that may well be a deal-breaker.

[–]lmakemilk 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

And a big reason I wouldn't leave is because he's never done wrong by me so that would be a very isolated thing, and I'm pregnant and I don't think he would do it again if he saw how much lying to me would hurt me.

[–]lmakemilk 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Haha it's funny you ask that because we are actually super open to threesomes and even alone if we both felt like the people were right. So he would just have to talk to me about it first. So if he actually came home and told me he cheated on me then that would be pretty crazy of him, but no I wouldn't leave. But we would have some serious discussions.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Great thread!

I've always had a mental list haha! There are a lot of 'deal-breakers' that prevent me from considering a man as someone I'd want to date. After that, there are fewer concrete ones.

  • Smoking - not attractive

  • He has to not want kids

  • cheating (emotional or physical) means I'm out the door

  • Marriage cannot be a priority for him

These apply prior to and during a relationship.

Typically, women probably discover things after the first few relationships. Worst case, they never consider it or only discover things after getting hitched.

[–]lmakemilk 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree. I've basically drew up my dream man through all of my failed relationships. You live and learn and figure out what you're willing to put up with and learn to love yourself not to settle and live in misery. My husband fits everything I've ever wanted in a life partner and I think more women should have standards that work for their life.

[–]myrpwi_accountLate 20's, married less then a year 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

What are your deal breakers?

  1. Being mean. If he talks poorly about his friends, coworkers, family, if he is rude to wait staff, this is a huge red flag and turn off.

  2. Blames others for his failures.

  3. Financially irresponsible. I would rather date a man who lives beneath his means.

  4. Doesn't like my cooking. :(

  5. Smoking/illicit drug use.

  6. Doesn't want to get married or have a family.

What do you do when you didn't know you had a particular "no way!" and now it's in your face?

I actually had this happen. The last man I dated, I told him on the second date I want nothing to do with illegal drugs. He became very angry and told me that was ridiculous, pot isn't a real drug. While I agree I still don't want to get arrested. I told him to just hide it from. Later the smoking came out. There were a lot of other problems, we broke up after several months. I am very slow to end relationships, I don't want to decision I regret.

Did you ever have a deal breaker happen and then discover it wasn't one at all?

Nope.

Where do your deal breaking rules come from? Peers/family relationship history, social media/movies/TV, past relationship experiences?

Relationship history.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I see that you are married, are these things that you would divorce over?

[–]myrpwi_accountLate 20's, married less then a year 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If he was spending all out money, putting us into debt, and illicit drug use, yes.

If he was mean and blamed others, I would just learn to stop listening when he started talking.

I have never seen an ounce of any of these traits in my husband. If any of these showed up I would be bringing him to the doctor because I would think something is wrong.

[–]nouvelle_rouge 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A lot of people here mention smoking which I find interesting. My boyfriend is a social smoker (trying to quit though) and I secretly love how he smells after smoking but I'd never smoke myself.

Anyway, my dealbreakers before marriage would be this:

  • I don't find him attractive

  • Caught lying about interactions with other girls, money, job, or intentions in our relationship

  • Unable to ensure I'm comfortable with his relationship with exes or any female friends

  • Emotional infidelity

  • Makes less than me and has no plans to surpass my income (*only because right now I make crap...if I end up getting a unicorn job that pays like crazy money on minimal hours then this won't be a dealbreaker most likely)

  • Has ruled out the possibility of a lifelong commitment to me

  • Unable to make me feel loved and prioritized

There might be specific situations that make me realize he is breaking a bigger deal breaker; for example, talking to an ex a lot. This in itself isn't necessarily a deal breaker, but would only become one if I was uncomfortable with that particular ex and he refused to put my comfort first.

After marriage, it would just be emotional infidelity.

Luckily though, my current boyfriend is super sexy, very ambitious career wise, and prides himself on being very moral and I think he'd be disgusted with himself if he ever physically cheated. But honestly I'd be more heartbroken over an emotional affair.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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