TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

22

We are all familiar with the term AWALT, but we rarely dive into what specific traits are involved with it. It is just a big looming darkness that we must avoid so that 'we are not like the other girls’. I would like to point out that AWALT behaviors or not inherently bad, but just feelings and patterns we have to learn to manage and make work in our favor. It doesn't​ help us to deny female nature, instead we must embrace it if we want to live happy healthy lives as full women. Two aspects of AWALT, hypergamy and preselection, have a specifically interesting effect on our attraction and relationships. They work synergistically to either bring you and your spouse together or, to pull you apart.

Hypergamy, can be summed as a woman’s need to constantly upgrade her partner until she gets the best catch that she can. This may make your hair curl and make you want to cry out “But not me! I would never abandon my spouse! Not for superman himself!” Yes. Yes you would. Because you are a woman and you are hypergamous and you are AWALT. And if you don’t believe me, I’ll walk you through it. Imagine your man, as he is today, right now, with all of his personality and quirks and goals. Now imagine an alternate reality spouse, 6 months from now, a year, 5 years… whatever. And in that time gap, he has accomplished all of the goals he set out to do and moved onto the next thing. Instead of playing on the intramural basketball team, he is the captain of it. Instead of working in IT., he is manager of the department. Instead of being an amateur photographer, he is having his first showing at a gallery. Which guy sounds more appealing, you're SO now, or your more successful alternate reality SO? Yeah, that's your hypergamy kicking in.

So what force keeps you from flying off the handle every time another man looks at you? This is where preselection comes in handy. Usually this term is used to describe the phenomenon when men are seen as more attractive when other women, particularly attractive women, seem really interested in that guy. Women just kind of assume, that the women close to him know what he as to offer, and are still interested, so you assume he is high value. Usually guys use this in the pickup community to their advantage to pick up chicks. However, for our purposes, we can alter this for our advantage by looking at it as self-preselection. It's the time, and energy, and sacrifices you’ve already invested into the relationship that balances out your hypergamy urges. You know that you have invested in this man, you know his quirks and his goals, you know exactly what this man has to offer.

A guy that is only marginally better than your SO isn’t going to be able to pull you away from a good relationship. To get a bit Spergy about it and quantify what I am talking about, if a woman is with her husband for 5 years, a man must be 10 years worth of her time higher value than her husband to trigger the hypergamy, 5 years to make up for time spent with her current husband, and another 5 years to get to the same level of commitment with the new guy (if it is even possible). The flip side of this effect is the Sunken Cost Effect, where you overestimate the value of your time, energy, and sacrifices in a bad relationship, and refuse to leave for a chance with someone better.

Don't be ashamed that you are hypergamous, embrace it. Well, only once you know your husband or LTR is a good man. After that, time and investment in your relationship will make him the best possible match for your, thus quenching your hypergamy and bring you closer together.


[–]StingrayVC15 points16 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

This is a good post.

The only thing I would argue is that while a woman's hypergamy might kick in given the example you provided, it is a choice whether or not to abandon him. The hypergamy itself, however, is not a choice.

It's the time, and energy, and sacrifices you’ve already invested into the relationship that balances out your hypergamy urges.

I would add to this, paying close attention to what a spouse actually does can balance out those urges as well. So often, we don't even realize what our men have accomplished because solipsism.

[–]Littleknownfacts[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

The only thing I would argue is that while a woman's hypergamy might kick in given the example you provided, it is a choice whether or not to abandon him. The hypergamy itself, however, is not a choice.

Very well put. You can occasionally have these feelings and still be a good wife/girlfriend if you make the solid choice to be.

I would add to this, paying close attention to what a spouse actually does can balance out those urges as well. So often, we don't even realize what our men have accomplished because solipsism.

I agree that going out of your way to notice and verbalize how grateful you are to your SO can help you realize how much love he has for you. But I didn't want to highlight this train of thought since it really depends on a 'whats he done for me lately?' attitude. In moments of weakness, when we feel unnoticed and underappreciated, we need to look for something internal to keep us motivated (and disciplined!)

[–]StingrayVC3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

we need to look for something internal to keep us motivated (and disciplined!)

Yes. This is what I meant. By paying close attention to what actually does, it can foster a huge sense of gratitude and respect. This can go a long way in curbing hypergamy because it elevates our husbands in our own eyes. When you do this, who can out rank the man who has done all of these amazing things?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good point!

[–]vanBeethovenLudwig4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is wonderful! Thanks for the post. Perfect timing for me, actually...

I have a question if anyone can answer it. How come (generally) women are hypergamous but men aren't? What's the theory behind this?

[–]Littleknownfacts[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have a question if anyone can answer it. How (generally) come women are hypergamous but men aren't? What's the theory behind this?

Men are by nature polygamous, they want as many partners as they can get, quality is less important. However, since our society is based on monogamous relationships, they are kinda forced into hypergamy when selecting a wife. But for high alpha men, you will often find they get the best of both worlds, a 'top bitch' or wife and less important side bitches, so they get to quench both natural and societal pressures.

[–]littleeggwyfEarly 30s, Married, 10 years total2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thankyou for this :)

I like the idea that we can't stop the attraction but we can balance it with remembering how much we've committed, it seems a good way to look at things and remind us how valuable what we have is.

Preselection is a really strong instinct to use, mate guarding really does bring the focus on how much you value what you have, that's really clever :)

[–]Camille113251 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm so late but this is a great post! I hope it starts a trend of people reexamining RPW theory and exploring avenues we haven't discussed much (or at least not outside of RPW).

[–]ClarityofDisasterINTJ Purple Pill Woman0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy Link

Yes. Yes you would. Because you are a woman and you are hypergamous and you are AWALT. And if you don’t believe me, I’ll walk you through it. Imagine your man, as he is today, right now, with all of his personality and quirks and goals. Now imagine an alternate reality spouse, 6 months from now, a year, 5 years… whatever. And in that time gap, he has accomplished all of the goals he set out to do and moved onto the next thing. Instead of playing on the intramural basketball team, he is the captain of it. Instead of working in IT., he is manager of the department. Instead of being an amateur photographer, he is having his first showing at a gallery. Which guy sounds more appealing, you're SO now, or your more successful alternate reality SO? Yeah, that's your hypergamy kicking in.

Question: If I don't see the alternate reality guy as inherently more appealing, then does that mean I don't have hypergamy? Tbh, I already don't believe I do, but am curious about your response.

Please note that I'm not saying this to be a special snowflake or NAWALT. I simply don't experience hypergamy and was hoping to potentially discuss the reasoning for this.

Edited to add: I just finished reading the sidebar, and don't know if my comment goes against the concept of no debating allowed. Thus if my comment is disruptive to this community, I am fine with it being deleted. OP, if it is, would you be okay if I PM'd you instead?

[–]Littleknownfacts[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

What about the alternative reality spouse doesn't appeal to you?

[–]ClarityofDisasterINTJ Purple Pill Woman0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

Well, I may be misreading your post, but it seems that the AR spouse has already reached his goals without me being present. (I'll go with the IT example, as it's closest to what my boyfriend actually does for a living.)

If his quirks, personality, fears, etc are exactly the same, I'd be much more likely to find him attractive working in IT with a $40k salary, than if I met him for the first time as the department head with a $70k salary. Why? Because I'm a huge proponent of equality whenever possible in my relationship, and honestly I'd greatly prefer to be with someone who is on my financial level of $38-40k. I've dated a few men who made significantly more than me, and it was always extremely uncomfortable knowing that they had much more financial power than I. (These relationships only lasted a few weeks, although for sexual rather than financial reasons. It was just something I had noticed.)

However, if I'm with a man who starts out at my level and he makes strides towards his goals with my emotional and mental support helping him forward, I'm fine with that because I've been a part of his life, helping him grow and being there for him during the rough times as his rock.

[–]Littleknownfacts[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

I see, well then assume for AR you have been with him the whole time as well, you just have a fast-forward option so to speak...

[–]ClarityofDisasterINTJ Purple Pill Woman0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Then there's no hypergamy at play, since it's still my SO and we're just going forward in time, though. If I've been with him all these years, helping him through his ups and downs, then of course I'd still love him and pick him over other men...Even ones with more status, money, fitness, etc. since I've invested myself physically, mentally, and emotionally into my man's wellbeing and success, just as he does for mine. True, other men undoubtedly have much more success, but they aren't my man. I don't love them, ergo I have no reason to be with them or see them as a better catch.

[–]Littleknownfacts[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

That is exactly what I am saying, your investment in a man tips the scale in his favor in terms of value. Your still hypergamous, your still drawn to the higher value male though.

[–]ClarityofDisasterINTJ Purple Pill Woman0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Perhaps I don't understand hypergamy, then. I've always seen it defined as a woman's desire to have the absolute best mate she can, to the point where if a handsome, fit, multimillionaire were to ask her out she'd leave her overweight, average looking, middle-class SO. Is this just an extreme example? Because that is something I'd never do.

[–]Littleknownfacts[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

You are mostly correct, it is wanting best position with the absolute best man. The value of being your husband's wife is a big deal, that title is as high a value as being richer/better looking/whatever man's quick fling. Which is exactly what you risk when you branch swing... Right now you know your husband, you've already vetted him, and you've decided you can live with his faults... Even if you did leave him today for a millionaire, there's no way you can guarantee it would stick, whereas with your husband there's a better chance. One in the hand is worth two in the bush as they say.

You may be a better woman than I, but if I had the option to upgrade my SO without losing my "relationship points", well... I would at least need time to consider it.

[–]ClarityofDisasterINTJ Purple Pill Woman0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The value of being your husband's wife is a big deal, that title is as high a value as being richer/better looking/whatever man's quick fling.

This makes sense, although it doesn't necessarily apply to my own relationship since we aren't married or cohabitating. We have been dating for a decade though, so that certainly counts as much more than a fling. However, it still means I've no valuable title to go by like you or the wives here do.

Which is exactly what you risk when you branch swing...

Well, I don't risk a title since I've none to really lose, but I would definitely lose the love and companionship we've built up over all these years. That's not something I'd want to give up, even if it meant a potentially easier financial life. Memories over money, as I like to say...

Even if you did leave him today for a millionaire, there's no way you can guarantee it would stick, whereas with your husband there's a better chance. One in the hand is worth two in the bush as they say.

Totally agree.

You may be a better woman than I, but if I had the option to upgrade my SO without losing my "relationship points", well... I would at least need time to consider it.

I do not think I'm better, but I do think that...due to the differences in our life goals and ideologies (Red vs Purple)...our viewpoints on relationships are pretty dissimilar. I do not know very much about you as an individual poster, but can surmise that as a RPW you probably believe in at least some aspects of AWALT, complementary relationships, traditionalism, Captain/First Officer roles, and importance of marriage. Whereas I believe in NAWALT, egalitarian relationships, flexible gender roles for me and my boyfriend, equal roles in decision making, and we disregard marriage. Neither of us is "better", it's simply that your relationship goals (and most women's, honestly) involve some preselection and hypergamy while mine do not as they are far less rigorous.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2024. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter