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Hi all,

I kept debating on whether to write this post, but then I kept thinking back to how my hamster spun and spun and I decided to do it.

I wanted to talk about a few months ago when my husband made a huge mistake and how I handled it.

Short backstory - my husband's work office was shutting down and relocating a lot of the workers. We decided together that we did not want to relocate, as I was pregnant at the time, and we took it as a sign to have him quit and look for something new. Because of that, we got our health insurance through COBRA. I knew nothing about how it worked, and since it was related to his work and business, he handled the paperwork and everything else.

Two months go by, and everything is fine. At this point, I'm 8 months pregnant (and ready to HAVE THIS BABY ALREADY). We had booked a romantic getaway before the whirlwind of life with a newborn happens. We had a wonderful time, and when we came back, my husband realized he forgot to pay COBRA. So he went on the site, and it doesn't work. So then he called to try to pay over the phone...

He found out that if you are even one minute late on your payment, COBRA gets canceled. No ifs, ands or buts. I was in the bedroom when he found this out, and he came in and told me he just lost our insurance. While I was 8 months pregnant. I had an appointment in a few days.

Ladies, when I heard those words, my crazy, pregnant, hormonal hamster spun so quickly, it made liftoff and blasted off into space at warp speed. I sat with my husband on the couch. I could NOT stop the voices in my head from screaming - HOW IRRESPONSIBLE! HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN! etc, etc!! I knew he already felt HORRIBLE about this, I could see it in his face, he kept saying how awful he screwed up, and he was just broken. I just STFU while my hamster spun out of control. I couldn't say anything productive at that moment, and that's not what he needed. He didn't need to get kicked while he was already down. So I STFU, and tried to gather my thoughts.

At this point, he noticed I hadn't said anything. He asked me to say something. He asked what I was thinking. I tried to look at the ROOT of my hamster before I answered him. Although first, because he asked me to say something before I was completely ready, I did say I was disappointed that this happened. But then I added that I was scared. Because truly, that was the root of my mind going crazy. We didn't have health insurance and I was pregnant! I was very scared! I then told him that we would get through this and we'd figure something out, and we embraced.

Then, he went into overdrive to remedy the situation. Every day he told me his regret and how he messed up and he would make it better and for me to not worry. So I stopped worrying. Every day he told me not to worry, and every day I told him I wasn't and that I knew we could get through this.

I never blamed him for his mistake, he did enough damage to himself for feeling like he let me down.

We tried everything to get our insurance back, but in the end nothing worked until I actually had the baby and a "life event" was able to trigger an enrollment period for us. Up until the birth, though, we decided we could use our savings, and a credit card to pay for the birth if we needed to, and his parents also wanted to help us in any way they could. But, the birth ended up being covered due to the special circumstances of "life events".

So truly, I didn't have anything to worry about. My husband was doing all that he could, we had the means to pay for the birth if necessary, and he was going to make sure I got the birth I wanted (and the way the birth went is a WHOLE DIFFERENT story lol!)

Going through this rough experience really brought us closer. It was a good exercise in teamwork to experience before our baby arrived. Every day he tried so hard to get our insurance back, and every day my love for him just grew because I could see how much he cared and loved me and our baby and wanted to do right by us. I wanted to be by his side while he struggled with this experience of failure (in his mind). After all, I vowed to love him for better or worse, come good times and bad! And choosing love during that moment was the best decision, and really strengthened our love and marriage.


[–]StingrayVC15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is an awesome field report. Thank you for sharing it.

Trust is key. Men make mistakes. We all do and blaming them for those mistakes, or rubbing them in their face to make them feel worse than they already do accomplishes less than nothing. Forgiving and supporting them while they try to fix is well, you already said what the outcome of that is. . . .

Going through this rough experience really brought us closer. It was a good exercise in teamwork to experience before our baby arrived. Every day he tried so hard to get our insurance back, and every day my love for him just grew because I could see how much he cared and loved me and our baby and wanted to do right by us.

Well done.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! I'm glad I decided to share it.

I had wanted to add a contrasting story to how my mother handled a big mistake my father made, but Baby Bird needed attention :)

His mistake was huuge, but my mother let her hamster out of its cage. Instead of standing by him, she blamed him. Instead of helping the situation, she played victim. She ended up leaving him during the middle of his cancer treatment program. I haven't spoken with her since because of that, it was two years ago. I've thought about making a more elaborate post about her behavior over the years as a "How to destroy your marriage" type thing, but wasn't sure how that would be received.

[–]BellaScarletta9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Being a "fresh adult" with < 5 years experience paying allllll my own bills and taking care of allllll my own boring phone calls for mandatory services/needs/etc....it is alarming how one tiny lapse in judgement, or just plain ignorance to the nuances of so much red tape, can result in total catastrophe.

I forgot to update my mailing address and ended up with a suspended license and $1k in fees for a fix-it ticket that went to collections. My friend made the same address mistake and one of her student loans defaulted. It. Is. Alarming.

I can't imagine how you must have felt, but I can absolutely understand what a simple and easy mistake it was to make. I know it's nothing worth passing any judgment on your husband. The punishment of his guilt most certainly did not fit the crime of a tiny error that had disproportionate consequences because of bureaucratic nonsense we all must live with. This is a wonderful field report and I know while he was likely beating himself up the whole time, I'm sure meant the world to him that you didn't do the same.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It truly is alarming!! Gah, what a hassle to deal with!

I'm glad you enjoyed the FR :) He was just so sore over the whole thing, I couldn't help but be sympathetic and understanding. The hamster in my head really worried me - why did it have to spin like that in the first place? Why is it so difficult to just be nice? I'm just glad enough that I was able to wrangle the hamster and be a good wife to my husband in his time of need.

[–]cats_or_get_out points points [recovered] | Copy Link

I tried to look at the ROOT of my hamster before I answered him.

I really like this. Instead of that instant reaction, you gave yourself time to process what you were feeling and thinking. This is something I want to work on. :-)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks! I'm a very emotional person, so it's difficult for me to express what I'm feeling. Waiting in this situation really helped :) Good luck to you with doing the same!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ohhh my gosh, this was a rollercoaster for me reading this. I am acutely aware of how fickle and sensitive insurance can be, and I think you handled the situation beautifully!

Every day he told me not to worry, and every day I told him I wasn't and that I knew we could get through this.

Ultimately, that's what it all comes down to - that trust and knowledge that you'll get through it together. There is (most of the time) another door to be opened even after several have closed. We will always make mistakes - men and women. You were very graceful in this situation and I am so glad it worked out for you - congrats as well on your new addition. :D

[–]directbitch0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

like that's nice and all but you recognize what heaping pile of privilege you're speaking from right? you don't get a cookie for not losing your shit (even if you're pregnant! being pregnant isn't a handicap!) when you guys had life savings, a credit card, and familial resources to draw from after your husband fucked up your insurance.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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