How Can I Make My Husband Happier?

StingrayVC · 2017-03-15T14:44:32+00:00

To your looks, believe him when he says to you not to compare yourself to women in a different situation. Do the best you can with what you've got. Don't discount second hand stores, as well. If you look carefully, you might be surprised by what you find in them.

To your sugar addiction, the only way to beat this is to give it up. Some people like to phase it out and some people like to go cold turkey. If you go cold turkey, you might feel like hell for a few days (known as the carb flu, I think). After about a month, you will be surprised at how wonderful you feel and how little you crave anything junky at all. It is a very difficult month, but it will be worth it. Research things like paleo diet, low carb, and keto. IMO, after that first month, in a lot of ways losing weight like this is easier because you don't have the cravings.

Also look into lifting weights. You will look better faster than with just aerobic exercise. Since you are trying to save money, you could search youtube for body weight exercise routines.

MrsYoung26 · 2017-03-15T14:17:01+00:00

It's hard to figure out what my husband expects of me.

Have you asked him?

I am not sure if he wants me to get a job or not.

Have you asked him?

I budget the finances so that we can save up for a house ( which he expected to have awhile ago) have some free money to travel, and then all the necessities.

Great! so he delegated something to you, and now you're handling it.

We can either live more towards our comfort and wait a couple years or we could either cut deep into our finances for a year, or I could get a job for nights and weekends. This however would cut into his free time. He'd have to take over night time feedings, baths and bedtime. I understand for his well being that this time is usually his down time since he just got out of work. I have been doing these since she was born and I know he'd burn out fast.

So, you didn't ask him - and now you have decided how he might respond "I have been doing these since she was born and I know he'd burn out fast."

So I asked if maybe I should get a job and he said, "ok let's just put Audrina up for adoption then." Or something along those lines.

Woah! How did you ask him? Was it a sit-down conversation where you explained your thoughts and ideas toward the finances he delegated to you - or were you bickering and he snapped?

It really sounds like the two of you are failing to communicate. No one here in this subreddit knows what your husband wants. And what my husband want could very well not at all be what your husband wants. So I can't speak to that. It sounds like the two of you need to sit down and truly discuss what the goals are for your family. Is there someone who can watch your kiddo for a few hours while you to do this, or maybe just schedule this time after Baby has gone to bed. But it needs to be an actual discussion not talking in passing type of conversation.

MrsYoung26 · 2017-03-15T19:54:27+00:00

I agree with everyone here: the best way to figure out what your husband wants is to ask him! But also, I think you need to stop looking to him for constant validation. Has he actually expressed that he wants something more from you, or are you just projecting your own insecurities? In terms of weight loss, it helps to exercise at home -- FitnessBlender has tons of free videos -- this will boost your metabolism and curb your hunger. Taking walks with the baby in a stroller is also good.

As someone said, look for clothes in thrift stores, or look on ThredUp. Maybe you have a friend who can cut your hair, or maybe you need to wear it up for a while until you can put aside enough for a professional cut.

Get a cheap planner or notebook to write down everything you have to do, everything from shopping lists to bills that need paying. You're a new mother and it's normal to be forgetful. I used to go to the supermarket with my first baby and load up the shopping cart only to find, when I reached the check-out that I'd left my wallet at home! Writing to-do lists helps but don't beat yourself up if you make mistakes.

Don't get too self-involved. Make sure to let your husband know that you appreciate everything he does; remember he is in an adjustment period too.

Good luck!

proprioceptor · 2017-03-15T15:47:27+00:00

A couple of things came to mind after reading your post, hopefully these can be helpful.

Appearances - I doubt that dressing in pricier clothes or going to the salon more regularly are the sorts of things your husband means. Just a hunch, but he might just mean taking better care of yourself. You mentioned that he looks at girls who wear more expensive clothes, but that seems like projection a little to me. Girls notice how much clothes cost more than guys. Losing weight and working to help yourself look more put together (makeup, skin care, having your hair done and looking nice when he gets home) will go a lot farther than you might think.

Weight - sugar addictions are hard to break, but you just have to do it. It's going to be hard, but it's still ultimately your choice what you put into your body. I've had trouble with my weight all of my life, and I really started making progress when I actually realized that I am the only one who could do anything about it. Since you're a SAHM with an almost 1yo, it might help if you take regular walks, or even jog if possible with your baby.

Productivity - when my husband is getting ready for work in the morning, (when I remember) I try to ask him what I can get done for him during the day. If there extra errands to run, or anyone I need to call, or anything in particular he'd like to get done. I try to do what I can to make things easier on him/run more smoothly when he gets home.

Budgeting - Think about where you can trim costs. Grocery budgets can typically have a lot of room to give. Make more homecooked meals when you can, and if there are things which make good leftovers to send with your husband for lunch, so that he doesn't need to spend money on it.

Bedroom - I know your said that your daughter doesn't sleep unless you are cosleeping, but if she's almost a year old you should probably start working on transitioning to a crib. I'm not trying to downplay how hard that might be, but it might be something to start looking into. My husband and I are friends with a couple who were cosleeping with their baby. Her husband told my husband that it was really taking a toll on their relationship. He said that she was so busy with the baby during the day, and during the evening when he was home, and not making time for him in the bedroom really made him feel marginalized and like his needs were completely unimportant in their relationship.

Hope this helps. I completely understand feeling overwhelmed by the feeling like there is a lot to fix and not knowing where to start. I agree with what everyone has said so far about being more deliberate about your communication with your husband, I bet that will help a lot. All of the things you talked mentioned in your post can be helped (at least a little) with some little changes. Best of luck!

philomexa · 2017-03-15T17:23:29+00:00

Do you have an active bedroom life? I try to keep it active even if it's just a blow job but so far it's been like once a week because of the baby. I co sleep otherwise she won't sleep.

We still cosleep with our 21 month old. We keep the intimacy alive by taking advantage of naps/sleep/down time and unconventional locations (bathroom, living room, kitchen, etc), it keeps things fun. Doing this we bumped up from once a week to roughly 3 times a week. As the kid gets older it will become easier to engage in intimacy, even if its a quick grope and make out sesh while kiddo is engrossed in their activity.

MrsYoung26 · 2017-03-15T14:24:25+00:00

This posting from yesterday may benefit you some

You seem to be worrying out loud to your husband about stuff and it's annoying him. Why not ask in simple terms what the expectations are and focus on that. The rest of this mess is just you creating fires where there don't need to be.

[deleted] · 2017-03-15T17:09:03+00:00

Communication - ask your husband what he wants to see happen on a day to day basis, show him the budget and ask him which areas he'd like to conserve in to bolster your savings, regarding work, pulse oeuvre to look into work you can do from home? I had a friend who would babysit a few other toddlers while she was home watching her own kid anyways.

Budgetting - check out r/personalfinance and r/eatcheapandhealthy and read their sidebars for tips on saving and budgetting. Learn to do your own hair, nails, and hair removal. I've been cutting my own hair for years because a men's haircut costs 15-30 and a women's haircut costs 60-200 in my area, and that's just not something I can shell out for every 4-6 weeks. In today's day and age you can learn to do anything on YouTube

Self Care - sugar is bad for you and junk food is an unnecessary expense. Just go cold turkey. Swap sofa for seltzer then eventually water. Swap chips for carrots or salted nuts. Swap candy for fruit like apple wedges or frozen berries. Make sure at lunch and dinner that half your play is vegetables, a quarter lean protein, and a quarter complex carbs (brown rice, quinoa, sweet potato, regular potato WITH SKIN, etc). Drink 8 8oz glasses of water or unsweetened seltzer daily. It will seem weird at the outset but you will look and feel better in the long run.

Self presentation - treat being a SAHM like a job. Be productive, efficient, and professional in your dress. If you're wearing yoga pants, make sure they're clean, neat, and well fitting. Getting dressed in the morning, even if you don't have to be anywhere, changes your mindset from schlubby to focused. Have something more dressed up that is attractive to slip into before your hubby gets home. Seriously, tale 20 minutes, put your makeup on, fix your hair, and slip on a cute dress. Put the effort in where it counts most. Check out r/femininenotfeminist for beauty ideas and tips.

Baby - sleep training sucks with a finicky baby but it works. Stick to a schedule. Consult with a professional sleep trainer if you can afford to and would benefit from it. It'll be better for everyone in the long run. Just don't start right before a vacation or a stressful time for your husband because crying babies keep everyone up :-(

Keep us posted!

SexistFlyingPig · 2017-03-16T00:12:25+00:00

I have been doing these since she was born and I know he'd burn out fast

He won't burn out fast from taking care of his child. You are deluding yourself that this is hard.

Going to the Salon and clothing stores is expensive and he'd definitely get upset but I need a hair cut and new clothes

You're saving up for a house. Buy the house first. You can look pretty later. Who are you trying to look pretty for? Your husband, or a new guy with more money? Your husband already loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

Laneybelle · 2017-03-15T18:24:52+00:00

As a SAHM who used to work, I struggled for a long time with not contributing financially to our family once I had our second child and decided to stay home. My husband and I decided that my time with our young son is worth more than any salary I can make. For a woman who always had my own money since the age of 14, it was so hard to let go. If you are able financially to meet your goals and provide for your family, I say from personal experience that the sacrifices you will make are worth it to have that time with your child I think it's normal to have feelings like you're not doing enough. Trust me-you are! I know this doesn't address all of your concerns. I will add this little tidbit about sugar-if you can make a clean break for 4 full days-no sugar at all-you can break the addiction. it helps greatly to cut out bread corn and potatoes also since they convert to sugar.

[deleted] · 2017-03-16T13:40:56+00:00

EDIT: Since my account is brand new the mods are taking down my replies.

No one is taking down your comments. As it was already explained to you, your account is new and the aut0-mod feature is catching your comments. If this is how you act in your marriage it's no wonder he's exasperated.

Holy cow woman, chill

WorksAtBank · 2017-03-15T22:39:56+00:00

There are some ways to get a home without a down payment. In Alabama, at least you can avoid a down payment by being a veteran or buying rural. The state of Alabama will also grant first time buyers a loan for their down payment. (For example, my monthly payment is 590 with about 30 a month being for the small down payment loan, and 560 going towards the normal mortgage)

Not sure of options in your area but check it out.

MrsYoung26 · 2017-03-15T22:27:17+00:00

Thank you!!! :D

teenMom86 · 2017-03-16T13:33:29+00:00

I just want to add that I went /r/keto last year to break my terrible sugar addiction. The first week is hard but then it got easier and my baby weight finally melted away. I didn't even count calories or work out, and after six weeks I had so much energy I could barely sit down (yay productivity!) I swear it cured my depression too. I tell everyone about it now.