Great article, and a topic currently near and dear to my heart. I walked away from an abusive relationship about a year and a half ago, and I’ve identified some patterns that I’m working to break, so #3 really resonated with me.

A lot of people have identified me as the victim in my old relationship, and they are technically right. I was emotionally and verbally abused and have no doubt that it would’ve escalated to physical abuse had I stayed around longer. I walked away more or less in one piece, and while I was indeed the victim, I've tried to avoid the victim mentality.

I was talking to a friend the other day about some of the patterns I’m working to break (for example, I catch myself expecting the same crappy behavior from my current SO that I got used to from my old one and it leads to me not having much faith in him, which is no good), and he kept insisting that I am the victim and what happened/the way I was treated was not my fault. And yes, he’s right: it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t deserve it, etc.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to make a counselor appointment to help me break patterns. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to stop communicating with my ex or checking his various online presences. It doesn’t mean I’m going to start blaming every single person who is similar to him for my predicament or the state of the world. It doesn't mean I shouldn't take action to heal my own wounds. My friend reassuring me that I'm the victim doesn't fix the unproductive relationship habits I learned from my ex. That's something only I can tackle.

Yes, I am technically a victim. But I’m not helpless, and I am willing and able to take responsibility for bouncing back. What’s the alternative? Expect my ex to fix it? Hell no. It may not be “fair” but it’s my job, and I can either take it or leave it.