My mother died on Monday

[deleted] · 2017-01-13T19:41:38+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss.

This isn't going to be easy, and funerals suck because people want to be there for you and you really just want to be alone to cope. I understand that.

My suggestion is to keep your husband close, let him be a physical barrier between you and people. Let his body language keep people from hugging you. I was that person for a friend at a funeral for his parents. I just held his hand at the door as he greeted people and people seemed less likely to physically touch him because I was physically touching him.

Another option is to keep moving. R moved a lot at his mom's funeral thing and it helped to not be near any one person for too long.

As for your second question - I don't know. I hope other ladies can offer some helpful advice.

I'll keep you in my thoughts <3

Littleknownfacts · 2017-01-13T19:45:30+00:00

2) I found out that one of the women attending my mother's funeral (one of her "friends") actually drank with her on New Years Eve, despite knowing that my mother was DYING from alcoholism. Should I address that, either in person or over the phone, or should I just let it be water under the bridge?

It sounds like your mother was the type of person who would have been drinking anyway, with or without her friend. It also sounds like your mother has been sick for sometime, so I'm sure this one incedent was not the cause of your mother's death. It sounds like she was a good friend to your mother in her last weeks and wanted to celebrate that friendship the only way they knew how.

mabeol · 2017-01-13T19:49:45+00:00

First, I want you to know that I am very sorry for your loss. Losing someone you love, no matter how complicated the relationship may be, is not an easy thing. Alcoholism can have extremely serious consequences, I've also watched someone I love suffer through it. It's painful for you too. I would recommend trying to look into AlAnon or something similar once things have started to slow down for you.

Second - you just lost your mother. I would not be concerned with appearing feminine to your husband right now, you're in an extremely vulnerable place and he's your protector and your lover. Let him comfort you. I realize you might be concerned with letting your emotions out given the circumstances of your mother's passing, but if there's anyone you should trust with your feelings, it's your husband.

Third, let's talk about your questions:

1) I don't want to be hugged much at the funeral tomorrow, because I like my personal space and I am afraid of breaking down uncontrollably. What would be the best way to let people know I'd rather not be touched?

I don't like to be hugged or touched either. It's a weird sensory thing for me, I don't know. But anyway - I try to shake hands with people instead of hugging. Just preemptively moving for the handshake when someone gets close. This is probably autistic as fuck, but hugs don't make me feel good.

2) I found out that one of the women attending my mother's funeral (one of her "friends") actually drank with her on New Years Eve, despite knowing that my mother was DYING from alcoholism. Should I address that, either in person or over the phone, or should I just let it be water under the bridge?

Is this woman going to be in your life in the future? If not, it's not your problem. If there's some reason that she will be in your life in the future, I would be inclined to write it in a letter. Letters hold a lot of weight, and it'll be easier for you to get your words out clearly and without breaking down. But wait a while after things calm down a little. This woman sounds like she's an idiot.

If you need any help talking through this, absolutely feel free to PM me. Like I said, I'm unfortunately very close to the issue of watching someone you love suffer from the effects of alcoholism.

StingrayVC · 2017-01-13T23:04:07+00:00

but I always feel like I need to hold back. I want to scream that I hated her, and that I was so mad at her, and how DARE she... But that isn't very lady-like, is it?

Who cares if it's lady-like? Seriously, it sounds like you NEED this, so do it! Your husband, more than any other person in your life will understand this. Get it out. Get it out. Get it out.

What would be the best way to let people know I'd rather not be touched?

I like others ideas of your husband helping you out here and moving in for the handshake. These should both work very well.

Should I address that, either in person or over the phone, or should I just let it be water under the bridge?

I would just let it go. That is not what killed your mother. Talking to her about it would only be a way for you to vent your anger, but this woman really has nothing to do with that. Your anger is directed at her mother and her death. Do that with your husband like you are longing to do. If you can't do that, get a therapist and get it out. If you can't do that, drive out in the middle of nowhere and scream at the clouds. But don't let it poison you. You have to forgive your mother, if only for yourself.

My condolences to you and your family. Forgive her and move on.

ZingMaster · 2017-01-13T19:43:57+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. Loss of a parent, no matter how close or distant they are to you is difficult. No matter how you slice it, she was your mom. Alcoholism is horrible and I certainly don't judge you at all for the comments you made after she passed. I think it was warranted; she failed you and she failed herself. Frustration is only natural.

1) Is it posible to have your husband be your protector here? I'd brace myself for hugs as it will likely be inevitable given the circumstances. I'm sorry, I don't have much advice there.

2) I'd leave it alone. That person likely is an alcoholic themselves and nothing you say will help the situation. It's water under the bridge. What has been done has been done and it is now in the past, albeit a very recent past. Your mother also was a participant there, so the blame can't be placed on the woman. Avoid the woman as best you can or it could turn very ugly, very fast.

Grief ebbs and flows, so be prepared for those waves of grief. Focus on that new chapter in your life, future land-lady :)

BellaScarletta · 2017-01-13T19:48:11+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't honestly say I relate in any way.

I can only imagine how emotional of an experience this is for you. To me, it sounds like you're mourning a mom you struggled with deeply, as well as the mom you wish she could have been. Those must be intensely conflicting emotions, and I can't fathom how complex it must be to make sense of every piece of it.

As far as your husband goes, now is not the time to worry about being feminine. He's your husband. He wants to love you and support you. He must be familiar with your mom, and the dysfunctionalism she brought to her relationships. I can't imagine he will fault you for breaking down in the coming days and weeks. Keep doing your best, but do your best for your own health and the health of your husband, not for appearances. Let appearances go for the time being, as long as you are healing...let it be as ugly as it needs to be.

As far as your questions, I like what Iris suggested. Let your husband protect you. He can engineer interactions to disuade people from touching you. Just talk to him.

As far as your mom's "friend"....just answer this, were her actions really the difference between your mom's good health and poor health? Would things have really turned out differently without her enabling? To me, it sounds like your mom made her own bed. If that's the case...just let it be water under the bridge. I know assigning blame is tempting, but your mom doesn't seem like she would have surrounded herself with the most supportive of folks as it is. If you really think her friend contributed in unforgivable ways, then perhaps a letter would be helpful for you to express those emotions.

Best of luck, you can always keep coming here for support.

fiat_lux_ · 2017-01-13T22:14:33+00:00

1) I don't want to be hugged much at the funeral tomorrow, because I like my personal space and I am afraid of breaking down uncontrollably. What would be the best way to let people know I'd rather not be touched?

No one is going to hold it against you if you just shake your head or put a hand in your way. Most people are considerate enough not to hold much against you when your mom just died.

2) I found out that one of the women attending my mother's funeral (one of her "friends") actually drank with her on New Years Eve, despite knowing that my mother was DYING from alcoholism. Should I address that, either in person or over the phone, or should I just let it be water under the bridge?

Don't do it at the funeral.

violetpiecrisis · 2017-01-13T23:21:45+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss, and this hurt for me to read because I relate so much.

My mother and I have an extremely strained relationship, but she is also terminally ill and I'm the only one of my siblings able to see to her care.

Our parents are our first connection to this world, and losing them is a visceral feeling even when our rational minds feel differently. Our parents are also people with their own flaws and wills. She was responsible for the decisions she made. It's never easy to reconcile that.

Feel free to turn down hugs at the funeral. You're also grieving, you do not need to validate wanting to do this privately and maintain control of your emotions.

I would also recommend just focusing on the future, there is nothing to be gained from focusing on the events leading up to the present.

beanx · 2017-01-14T03:22:44+00:00

god, i'm SO sorry :( hugs to you, lady.